User:Mr. Briggs Inc./UnScripts:Dracula 3000

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Dracula 3000 is William Shakespeare's first, best, and only masterpiece "history-of-things-yet-to-come". As with many Shakespeare works, it is interspersed with tragedy and comic relief, yet that is not the only merit of Dracula 3000.

According to legend, "3000" was penned in under an hour by a very drunken Shakespeare, after being commissioned by a very drunken King Jimmy I to write a play to satisfy and destroy his recent interest in vampirism and astrology. The work produced has been widely thought to be both a triumph of satisfaction and destruction of both interest in vampirism and astrology, however besides that it has also been called a prophetic work. Dracula 3000 in fact predicted the idea of space travel, though the ship described in the play more closely resembles a Navy battleship ca. 1987. Indeed, it appears Shakespeare predicted many other things within the play as well; personal wheeled-chairs, communism, rap music, and rampant immorality and mass decline to mental retardation are all things Shakespeare talked of, which in fact appeared well before the year 3000. The fact of the prodigious nature of "Dracula 3000" led a not-so-great playwright to make a pretentious "downgrade" of the idea, which he called "Dracula 2000".

One common correction brought up by Dracula 3000 is that Bram Stoker did not create the modern vampire with his novel Dracula. The novel Dracula instead stole elements from Shakespeare's play, including the title and names of several characters, though placing the action in comtemporary times, and removing the more controversial elements.

edit Characters

Captain Abraham Van Helsing: Captain Van Helsing can be described as a tragic hero. Despite meaning well for his crew, he does house character flaws which become his downfall. Though hailing from a wealthy, prominent, successful family of vampire hunters, Van Helsing is cursed is cursed being an arrogant, ignorant, cocky, self-important, bigoted douchebag who cannot and does not want to live up to his name. This part was made for Caspar Van Dien.

Aurora Ash: Aurora Ash is the character representative of the "twist of fate". She is a humble pleasure-bot by creation, programmed now to infiltrate organizations in order to report illegal activities through even the lowest of methods. Despite this, Ash continually defies her fate, first being caught along with her human companions in the struggle with the monstrous Orlock, then choosing to fight on her own accord, then finally sacrificing herself for humanity before reforming to her original program in order to provide humanity its reward: Cumfort (Which Shakespeare purposely misspells). The role is traditionally played by a marionette or a castrated choir boy, but was most recently filled by [[[Erika Eleniak]].

Arthur Holmwood: Dead meat in a wheeled-chair.

"Nine-Teen-Eighty-Seven": Born in 1987, but has lived till 3000 due to anti-aging treatment, whilst taking "hyper-opium" the entire time. "1987" is largely used as a comic-relief character and occasionally as a messenger of Orlock's madness. Until recent times the role was filled by a minstrel in blackface, though Coolio took up the mantle in the most recent production.

Mina Murray:


Count Orlock:

Captain Varna:

edit Script

edit Act 1

Scene 1

Opening soliloquy

Captain Varna: Upon the darkness in space as infinite as space, there lurked a darkness, becoming an entire race. My crew, with I, did do depart, to take lifeblood from dark'nd heart. We fell in droves, corrupted through, till only I was left, to save you. I blow myself up, so that I may light up the dark, five, four, three, two on-- HARK!


Abraham Van Helsing: I am called Abraham, of the great Van Helsing name and blood! This ship is mine, with which I use to gather iron wreckage from once-great ships, floating tranquilly upon the vast empty ocean that which encompasses all.

Arthur Holmwood accompanies me, as I am one of the few who would humble himself to guide him in his wheeled-chair the likes of which his great, prodigious upper-half is confined to as a slave! Yes, the halfth-man, I confess, possesses intelligence that surpasses mine own, alas, with his great intelligence he possesses not the wisdom to know one-halfth of what he believes he does!

Contrast the weak Holmwood to Humvee, strong, yet foolish. He simply follows me due to the fact that with his mind, filled with naught but 0, he hasn't a choice! Again, I confess, Humvee is stronger than I, as strong as Holmwood is smart! Yet, there are but three things Humvee is prodigious at; Heavy lifting, heavier lifting, and even heavier lifting...

Nine-Teen-Eighty-Seven sports the most years of any here, and comes from lineage that no one, save the Soviets themselves, could measure up to! Mine own family is prominent, but no match for the name he used to walk under. Alas, with his years since that fateful year he was born came exponential decline; Nine-Teen-Eighty-Seven spent all his years indulging in opium. Now he simply walks under our banner to boost my own status, and in return, I indulge his unbreakable-yet-intangible vices.

Mina Murray is the youngest and most vibrant individual among us, however, she is yet a diamond who in such company shall never emerge from the rough! She grants us her youth, as we absorb her precious years, using them to salvage precious credits for us all!

Finally, there is the one beside me, Aurora Ash. Not much is known about her, yet her lack of experience or fame belies her true skill and ambition! Already I have granted her vice-captain, and she could easily take my spot if she tried, yet she agrees to serve me... It is almost unnatural... How attractive I find her!

The six of us took to the cargoship Demeter as mosquitoes take to cattle, and as the great mosquitoes we were, we arrived well before the government's vultures swooped! Well confident in our abilities, we stuck our probosci unto the Demeter and proceeded to nourish ourselves.

Scene 2 [Aboard the foyer of the cargo ship Demeter]

Mina Murray: Ooo, woe is I! Woe to me! I ponder for hours about my future, planning my every step ever so lightly to becoming a prominent navigator... yet here I am made to take even lighter steps in order to step through thicker shit than that shit who orders me to be such disposable labour!

Van Helsing: Soft! When you speak of us as shit and yourself as indispensable, you cannot help but consider those who think themselves more indispensable than yourself, who would more than gladly jump into our shit in order to take your job, working for we noble, sweaty men of stature!

Mina: Ayyyye my captain! [Aside]Ohh you are my captain in body, but not in my spirit! The only captain that rules my spirit is my own self! Ayyye, and yet my captain is a drunken one, drunken with naivete as my physical captain is with ego! If my summers are filled with more careers such as this, I shall certainly cry mutiny.[/Aside]

Orlock: OOOOOOOOOooooohhhhhh!!!!

Mina: Ach, but what is this?

Orlock: OOOOOOOOooooooohhhhhh!!!!

Mina: A figure, in the dark!

Orlock: OOOOOOOOooooooohhhhhh!!!!

Mina: Ach! Why am I so haunted by this occurence? I would think this is a form of spirit, had the proud Soviets before me not provided reason to stop believing in things unseen! Ha, what thing of harm could glide aboard a cargo ship, left dead for 50 years? Nothing, I say, I shall just continue walking as though what crosses my eyes and ears is what it so obviously is, nothing!

Orlock: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooohhhhhhhh!!!!!

Mina: And yet, I shall continue even more rapidly than before, not for reason of fear, but for that of efficiency! There is no harm in moving faster, as a matter of fact, t'is something to be praised!

Personal tools