User:Mr. Briggs Inc./The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny was the name given to a conflict between several individual powers of icons which just did not have anything more to lose. Beginning with a seemingly random Kaiju attack and fueled by an Aaron Carter concert, the conflict was known as the "Hundred-Years Battle", and is now taught in history textbooks everywhere despite being met with controversy for being too interesting for students. Thought of children growing up to attempt another such showdown, or even a cartoon relating to the showdown is feared by soccer-moms worldwide.
On December 7th 2001, Godzilla decided to attack Tokyo city for reasons unknown. Ironically however there was an Aaron Carter concert playing in the general facility. Though Godzilla posed no major threat to the area besides clearing up some surplus population, it is believed that Batman, an avid Aaron Carter fan finally snapped and, in a move he had not tried since the 1960s, burst into the daylight and provoked Godzilla with one of his Bat-Grenades. Godzilla was enraged and went to retaliate, he was fortunately stopped mid-attack by Shaquille O'Neal. As he was supposed to be in the NBA, Godzilla was effectively caught off guard by Shaq's entrance. The latter began to engage Godzilla. By the NBA star's entrance, a sizable amount of attention had been diverted away from the Carter concert. Aaron, in a tizzy fit, attempted to break up the fray.
Batman, seeing the concert was effectively over anyway, tried to get one last hit on Godzilla in and called in his Batmobile, this only succeeded in flattening Carter and O' Neal. Batman, disgraced by the accidental murder tried to take the Batmobile back to see his lover Robin, but before he could do this, he was shot by a vengeful zombie evil version of Abraham Lincoln with an AK-47. His job seemingly done and out of ammo, Lincoln attempted to flee to America to hunt down rednecks ignoring the Gettysburg Address when Optimus Prime, present in Tokyo for a car show and to do voice work, arrived to save the day.
While Optimus went to blow Lincoln to bits, he was himself unexpectedly bitten by Godzilla, crushing most of his electronics, "in a way," said Reiko Asakawa "resembling Scruff McGruff". Then Shaq tried again to stop Godzilla even with substantial tire damage, but was jumped by one of Godzilla's many sympathizers, who, unfortunately, happened to be Jackie Chan. The two fought while Batman, barely alive tried to right himself, but was spotted again by evil Lincoln, who gave up his original plans to attempt at finishing Batman off. In a cruel twist of fate that was perhaps responsible for the continuation of the fight, Lincoln happened to trip on an umbrella-hat, which got the attention of visiting adventurer Indiana Jones who joined the fight by incapacitating Abraham with his whip. Jones hardly noticed Godzilla ambush him. Indiana tried to pull his gun on Godzilla, but it had been taken by Batman who fired it off at an unknown target. The bullet was allegedly knocked from out of the air by Chan. Jackie left his attack on Shaq, and collided with Lincoln who was trying to engage Optimus. Then entered a stray Care Bear who covered both of the aforementioned fighters with a Care Bear Stare, re-killing the Evil Lincoln.
edit Emergency status
By nightfall the conflict had been dubbed an "Ultimate Showdown" by Asakawa, as the fight had now been joined by other Japanese resident and visitor good guys and bad guys. There were even at this early stage explosions "as far as the eye could see". Finally a promising conclusion was predicted with the arrival of an air-dropped Chuck Norris. Norris immediately delivered a death blow to Indiana Jones. Batman, who had before had trouble escaping the scene, upon seeing Chuck's arrival took a chance and changed back into Bruce Wayne in public. This was in vain however as Chuck already knew his and all other superheroes secret identities, a trait shared by anyone with an ounce of common sense, and neutralized the millionaire playboy in a display of smiling bloodlust. Chuck seemed in control of the incident, but was uninformed of the arrival of Gandalf the Grey, Gandalf the White, the Black Knight of Boar's Head, a previously hiding Benito Mussolini, The Blue Meanie, Cowboy Curtis, Jambi the Genie, Robocop, a T-800, Cpt. James T. Kirk, Darth Vader, Lo Pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger (excluding the Green ones), Bill S. Preston esq., Theodore Logan, Rod Orlovsky, Spock, Dwayne Johnson, Doctor Otto Octavius, Hulk Hogan, a generous share of fancharacters, and a Bruce Lee clone during the 5 minutes it had taken Chuck to be flown to the scene. The previous parties mentioned had formed a plan beforehand to gang up on "that big stupid guy" once he undoubtedly arrived. However, with Chuck injured this alliance quickly dissolved into chaos, The Care Bears were eaten by Killer Tomatoes, The Tomatoes were mushed by Mussolini, Mussolini was squished by The Hebrew Hammer.
edit September 1995 - September 2095
Japan had to be totally deserted, Godzilla, the first combatant became a casualty himself near the middle of the fight, however the battle continued to rage past the second-coming as well as the aztec end of the world. Some fought to test their strength, some in revenge for Aaron Carter, some just because they were sick of each other. Rumors that only one would survive quickly spread as the battle raged on. Eventually however those with lives quickly turned their attention away from the event in favor of the war against Paris Hilton, posing the question on whether they really did have the lives they claimed to.
In the end Mr. Rogers, who had been proclaimed as dead for years after he joined the fight in 2001 finally became consensual winner after singlehandedly slaughtering the descendants of the Spartan 300, James Bond, and every Harry Potter character (including fancharacters) led by Steven Seagal. With a tear shed for those potential neighbors lost, he took his own life, making the entire fight a pointless exercise in violence. Sick to their stomachs, the others returned to their semi-normal lives
The event, which eventually destroyed all of man's creation became the most infamous event and claimed the most lives (thankfully mostly c-list celebrities and red-shirts) in history. All those who did survive faded into obscurity very quickly.
Freddy Krueger became the last of the Big 4 horror slashers to not need a remake, though he was dismembered and thus barred from making any more sequels. Aaron Carter, unfortunately was never seen again. The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny inspired a folk song (), but was never dared parodied ().