User:Mr. Briggs Inc./Fringe Market
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“I'M THE BIGGEST PAGE OF CONTENT ON UNCYCLOPEDIA! :D”
edit This so obviously appeals only to a fringe market, but I found it funny so here it is
As it says above, these are jokes that I found amusing for one reason or another, but got deleted. Some for good reason (as directly below), others just because VFD means "instant death sentence".
edit Oh + Noes = Oh Noes!!!!!!!!
OH NOES!!!!! Oh NoEs!!!!! PwN n035 11111 Oh, nose? ohnoes ΩĦ ИŌ€$ OHNOESOHNOESOHNOES O!H!N!O!E!S! OH NOES!!!!! Oh NoEs!!!!! PwN n035 11111 Oh, nose? ohnoes ΩĦ ИŌ€$ OHNOESOHNOESOHNOESO!H!N!O!E!S! OH NOES!!!!! Oh NoEs!!!!! PwN n035 11111 Oh, nose? ohnoes ΩĦ ИŌ€$ OHNOESOHNOESOHNOESO!H!N!O!E!S! OH NOES!!!!! Oh NoEs!!!!! PwN n035 11111 Oh, nose? ohnoes
ΩĦ ИŌ€$ OHNOESOHNOESOHNOESO!H!N!O!E!S! OH NOES!!!!! Oh NoEs!!!!! PwN n035 11111 Oh, nose? ohnoes ΩĦ ИŌ€$ OHNOESOHNOESOHNOESO!H!N!O!E!S! OH NOES!!!!! Oh NoEs!!!!! PwN n035 11111 Oh, nose? ohnoes ΩĦ ИŌ€$ OHNOESOHNOESOHNOESO!H!N!O!E!S! OH NOES!!!!! Oh NoEs!!!!! PwN n035 11111 Oh, nose? ohnoes ΩĦ ИŌ€$ OHNOESOHNOESOHNOES'ohnoes ΩĦ ИŌ€$ OHNOESOHNOESOHNOESO!H!N!O!E!S! OH NOES!!!!! Oh NoEs!!!!! PwN n035 11111 Oh, nose? ohnoes ΩĦ ИŌ€$ OHNOESOHNOESOHNOES
edit OH NOES!
edit Oh noes
OH NOES! OH NOES! OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOES!
- OH NOES
- OH NOES
- OH NOES
- OH NOES
Zomg NOES! WTF NOES OMG OH NOES NOES NOES OMG NOOOOOOES! OH NOES OH NOES NOES OH NOES WTF ZOMG NOES!!!!1111111!
edit WTF OH NOES
OMG NOES NOES OH NOES OH NOES ZOMG NOES OMFG OH NOES D:
edit Yoko Ono
“Oh No, I don't think she should be allowed to wear a veil.”
A Japanese avante-garde alleged artand suspected blood-drinking vampire is called Yoko. The longer version of her name comes from a quote by Paul McCartney: "Yoko? Oh, no!", though that is now often forgotten. Actually, it was something more profane, but the phone books refused to accept "Yoko Oshit".
Performance art by her includes a film of people's bottoms, breaking up the Smothers Brothers and the Justice League, as well as biting Dracula ( making him become a vampire ). She currently lives in the country of Transylvania.
She is also the Japanese voice for Cloud Strife.
But what has she done lately?
edit Recent Works by Yoko Ono
- January - March 1999: One woman show entitled "Judy Tenuta"
- Apr 2004: Carved a giant nude statue of Dick Cheney using only her tongue and human feces while sitting in a public restroom in Toledo with the door open.
- May 2004: Blasted the Dick statue created in April with a shotgun due to a dream she claimed was a preminition of revenge from a dead lawyer.
- Aug 2004: Danced the Jitterbug at a Liverpool fundraiser for disadvantaged performance artists while licking a banana dangling from a string.
- Nov 2004: Sung The Star-Spangled Banner backwards accompanied by tuba and Gregorian chant
- Dec 2004: Channelled the undead spirit of Tennessee Ernie Ford on Good Morning America
- Feb 2005: Played a stringless ukulele with the power of thought alone. However, record books refused to recognize the event because she broke a nail in the process.
- Mar 2005: Finished with 2nd place in the 34th Annual National Underwater Pumpkin Carving Olympics. She carved a duck.
- Jun 2005: Claimed to be the founder of the wheel in a past life.
- Jul 2005: Proved that her voice could shatter 12mm (.5 in) of hardened plate armor.
- Oct 2005: Gave birth to a live octopus, which she promptly ate.
- Nov 2005: Rode a bicycle with the seat removed, having only a seat stem. She claimed it was a form of birth control to prevent future octopus births.
- Jan 2006: Proceeded to live off the fact she married John Lennon, and was paid to give up art for good.
- Feb 2006 - Became a rap artist, collaborating with her toddler son. Wrapping was in acient Egyption tongues
- Zib 2006 - Invented a new month called Zibuary.
edit Music Works
- January 1967 - Woooooaaaaaaah Performed with John Lennon while in the bath.
- March 1968 - HaaaaaaaoooooW (Woooooaaaaaaah backward)
- Wackurary 1973 - Woooooaaaaaaah II
- August 1995 - Woooooaaaaaaah Unplugged - an accustic version of Woooooaaaaaaah
- Uncyclopediary 2007- Yoko Ono does the Monkees- Yoko's favorite Monkees tunes, done because she thought John Lennon was in the Monkees.
yoko made a magic marker explore the inner parts of reza and found that there was no killer dogs as predicted
edit See Also
People discovered the secret message in anata daeto, its backwards i shot john lennon, so he (yes he, ill talk about it later)Commited suicide. One of his frat brothers is covering for him, the frats name was actually Yokoism
In a vain attempt to to gain popularity, this page has appealed to ye adminos: R.I.P. Simon Harrison who recently died due excessive elbow injuries (bless his soul)
“The pupil-student relationship at the school is in excellent form, with summary executions at an all time low this year!”
“In Soviet Russia, YOU teach LRGS!!”
“If buttfaces could fly, this place would be an airport.”
“If buttfaces could fly, she wouldn't have needed that helicopter to get here.”
“The school's education and boarding standards have been slightly raised due to the fortunate demise of Mr. Payne, known paedophile and old-skool murderer, and kermit the frog”
“Human rights laws do not apply to the Halstead room!”
“NO GAMES OF ANY KIND!”
“Get the shotgun there's a coon on the porch!”
“I really was spitroasted by Gypsies on the Douthwaites behind the cricket pavilion and conceived twins”
“I am an actual Jew and have a leather end and no mates”
“Mrs Porter is a total babe magnet!”
“I was made a senior prefect because I'm probs best at sport in the year and I think everyone in the year buzzes off me”
“ I really do exist. I was locked in a cupboard by Mrs. Porter for being on the unspeakable game called Microsoft Word!!!”
“ In Soviet Russia, Chris Mead invents YOU!! ”
“ The Devil's greatest trick was convincing the world that he didn't exist. Mine was convincing them that I did. ”
“ Ya gay ”
“ Splifendo! ”
“ I honestly do prefer men. ”
“ And the great big ginger mong award goes to... ”
“ In Soviet Russia men prefer you! ”
“ Why the long face, sir? ”
“ I like hankies and homework! ”
“ How Rude!!! ”
“ Give me your names, I'm reporting you”
“ I today...have..done lots...........of ..stuff.”
“ Oh no I've got Ribbena in my eyes”
“ Oh...one question”
“ Joss, please just let me touch it”
“ At my old school.........”
| This article or image is a copyright violation.|
Luckily, nobody cares.
LRGS is a fascist institution designed solely for the purpose of inducting young people into the collective consciousness that is the Conservative party. Situated in the fictional town of Lancaster UK, this ancient establishment publicly claims to have produced some of the finest academics since 744 BC. Some examples include Jesus and Hitler. Being an all male school, students are often thought to engage in homosexual activity, however this is untrue in most cases. Interestingly, a Communist uprising was recently quashed in the aptly named "Mock Election" leading to the recent designation of this area of Lancaster as the Sixth Reich. Some unruly individuals have also taken to referring this most noble domain as Nazi Jarmany, in a despicable parody of our inspirational Führer, Andrew Jarman. Regular parades are held at 3.30 on Tuesday afternoons with a small armed contingent of toy soldiers, these never last long however due to the inefficiency of the wind up mechanisms.
More recently, a keen photographer managed to obtain proof of Adolf Jarman's affiliation to the Nazi cause:
It is widely known that LRGS invented rugby (although many sources falsely claim otherwise- LRGS holds undeniable documentation dating back from preprehistoric times), an incredibly barbaric and bloody sport that one could expect from such a right-wing society that dates back to barbarian times themselves. Other such ancient and vulgar rites carried out in this great hall of
humiliation learning include hockey (for those of a less masculine persuasion) and rowing (a highly elitist activity, where newcomers are ritually "capsized" before being allowed to join the higher echelons of the "crews").
All in all, how could anyone possibly doubt the legitimacy of such a proud historic
edit School History
In 775BC, Senators Tracius, Hitchingus and Londsdalius decided that they must overthrow the Roman Empire, and create a dictatorship of their own. Tracius liked the idea of Baiae, but Hitchingus gave him a swift backhand and said 'Don't be a fool! It is customary to start dictatorships in Britain, like Agricola (the farmer's favourite drink!) or in Jarmany, like unsere Fuhrer Jarman. We must hope that he does not learn of this, so we must burn our plans (ut clause showing intention)'. And so, what was begun with an enquiring mind, was finished heroically, as the triumvirate were joined by Quinny the Younger who proceeded to form his own colony of smokers, but died due to the smoke in his lungs (as he was somewhat fat the passage of his breath was narrow and weak). The legend of Tracius, Hitchingus and Londsdalus lives on in the form of three old Latin teachers (some say they are the original founders, others think they mimic their names from pride). In any case, the three were samurai. Lindsius of Garstang and Flesherus also of Garstang were found when the three men loosed themselves to Britain; with the now having been founded colony (like the Spartans), they set up their own academy.
Later, (around 1573) with the dictatorship having been founded (ablative absolute boys), Our Leader found out about it. He immediately rushed summa celeritatae (as fast as possible) to Britain, and commandeered the school, by giving the senators and Quinny the Younger swift backhands and proclaiming them fools. He then made Lancaster the Sixth Reich and called it Jarmany. So it stays to this day. A
vicious, censoring fascist empire wonderful happy place of learning.
edit Some teachers at LRGS
First off, the title is wrong. It should read 'dictator wannabes'. Please note that not all teachers ARE wannabe dictators, they are just power hungry capitalists (to quote Jack Etches).
I am not licensed to disclose any information about teachers here.
Please feel free to add more yourself!
- Mr Hitchings (Co-Founder)
Our esteemed Head of Classics Department, Richard Hitchings, is one of the wiser faculty members at LRGS. For many a year he ran the quiz, the Lancastrian, Speech Day and, until recently, the AQA Greek exam. Richard was believed to have almost murdered Andrew Lonsdale in a fit of most uncontrollable rage when he discovered that the AQA were dropping Greek and Latin, thus firing him as Chief Examiner. Now, reduced to a mere state of existance, he has become obsessed with boys underlining there work when they've finished, if not, "It's a mark off, old boy!"
- Mr. Yelland (not to be known as Mr. Bellend EVER!!)
A black belt in Advanced French, Cross Country for the Terminally Fit, Irregular Verbs MK. LCVXI and Being Taciturn. Due to this, he is a god, an absolute ledge, and a great guy. He's also a friend of the completely insane Mr. Gorse, who has been quoted as saying "Ahh, Mr. Yelland, you're a keen golfer, wouldn't you agree it's the most boring sport ever?" Enjoys tetris, sudoku and dictionary research.
- Mr. Gorse (Stewie to his friends)
He is a teacher of Spanish. He also enjoys shoving his hand up puppets, representing Jarmany in the Olympics at Office Chair Racing and being generally the world's greatest jester. But we all love him!
- Miss Haigh
No-one knows her first name (there are rumours it may be Sarah). She is well known for being the best teacher of Modern Languages at the school (except the Yell-dog) and being extremely strict. She is also rather small, and... well endowed. There is another rumour that Dominic Taylor fancies her. Now married out of school and is known in the strange outside world as Mrs Hilton, although she is still trying to keep that a secret for now (shhhh... you heard nothing from me)! She also spent a bit of time off school to supposedly get married, but we have it on good speculation that she was greiving for the recently deceased Frau Frosch (Madame Grenouille to the 1st years) after the freak hanging accident last year, suspected culprits include Mr Bonney and his good friend WKD (actually committed by Max Hopfl and she's never forgiven him). Room 11 was cordened off by police for two weeks following the incident.
- Mr. Leckey
A quiet and secretive teacher, his methods are not quite up to those of Yellmeister or Haighy. Never the less, he's better than Mr. Parker. I can't remember Leckster very well... He is also a wizard in his Head Of Sixth Form Robes. His life is controlled by his wife, Jan, who appears, to the naked eye, to be a rather frightful dominatrix and, on further insight into the matter, we can find that she does indeed follow this path in life, controlling Lecky's every move. The poor man is rather mercilessly bullied by the pupils of LRGS, who have, on many occasion, been scolded by the greater powers of our hierarchical system for simply making the poor man's life hell.
- Mr Parker
Ahh... very little is known about him, perhaps because no-one wants to. Not to be unkind, but he's not the most interesting guy ever. He is rather hairy and has a plastic nose as can be seen by looking closely at it. I would keep all windows locked as night, as Parker is prone to turning up at your bedroom window on dark and stormy nights, watch your kitchen as well, he may break in to steal your pans to make boiled sweets! It has been said of him that he is 'in danger of being less interesting than a can of baked beans'. Poor fellow, but he can be quite funny at times! You would never guess though...
- Maccy D (Mr Macdonald)
Famously known for being the fool from South Africa who needs to get a life and get rid of his homophobia. We all know how he murdered all of his family and therefore is a big joke. Hates being called a legend. But thats why we love him!
Possibly the most amazing teacher of all time due to the famous quote in the boarding house "Well old chaps, since you have been annoying me, at 6:30 tomorrow morning I'd like you to come and ring my bell" and another famous quote known to the former 3G "you've got to wonk the rectangle to get a parrelagram!". He created nicknames for nearly every pupil he taught.
- Mr Davies (Pie Man)
He has fetish for pies of every shape and size. "Sir what's the square root of pi this week?" "Ooooo it would have to be cheese and onion!", other famous quotes: "Next boy to speak gets a sheet, if it's Robert Bonner thereee. (We eventually worked out he was saying the number 3)", or in response to being called a legend "Its not easy being a legend you know!"
- Mr Bonney (The Drunk)
The official school drunk (although some may argue Mr Jago is the legal claimant of this title). During his chemistry lessons he often goes into his store cupboard to have a drink. This explains his permenantly red face, rather like a shaved ape. It's amazing he hasn't caused a fire due to his severe drinking habit. He is also a P.E teacher and is Mr Currans right hand man (so to speak). Confirmed, he turned up at an athletics session with a bag full of beer cans. He once famously allowed 5R to turn on all the gas taps in the laboratory and didn't notice! They had to quickly open the windows before perishing in the fumes, or creating an explosion. While it is widely known he drives his car up and down the school site to get from lesson to lesson, it is as yet unproven that he also nips down to the pub for a quick one during break.
- Mr Barlow (The Imposter)
Mr Barlow is not and never has been a teacher at LRGS. He is infact a paedophillic imposter who joined the ranks of the teachers by wandering in off the street. His favorite hobbies were making boys rearrange themselves (uniform, of course) and asking the younger and more naive members of our 'school' to comform to him and 'accompany' him or 'assist' with, so far, unrecorded tasks.
Well the dear doctor is an absolute joke. When told to leave a lesson people just refuse or crawl out of the door. Recently my dear friend Davo has told him that he will do his mum as a threat if Dr s sent a letter home. Everybody knows davo would since he struggles to keep it in his pants. It is well known around the school that are friend has a lisp and prounces his 'r's as 'w's which provides great amusmant when mimicked. He also does D o E what a joke no one does anythink and they still complete it. But you cant help but love his relaxed atmosphere as he tells you that you must see him everyday next week and you laugh in his face and say no!
edit Notable Pupils in the Fifth Year
Benjamin Sloman and Thomas Chambers adorn the top-two spot in the fifth year. Both are believed to regularly inverse cos themselves.
Sharpy won this year's English prize, second in the year was Cooper; who now masquerades as Lindsay after this harrowing defeat.
It is customary that boys from Frau Haigh's class are the best, but not this year, as some people have emerged from such places as T and R. These include Flesher and Twigge.
According to unconfirmed Governor reports, Fuhrer Jarman tried to make this subject compulsory; which Frau Haigh was all up for (aslong as she didn't have to teach anyone from 5S).
John Beshir and Joe Winstanley all anal probe themselves with step-up transformers just to outdo each other. It is even said that Winstanley attached two crocodile clips to his nipples which we rigged up to 400V, just to please Dr. SAS Rowe.
5th year Biology efforts are abysmal, cheaters like Partington and freshly spit-roasted Mistry are to be publicly crucified by Mrs Walker during an assembly, much to the Fuhrer's pleasure, being the racist he is.
Who really gives a toss about Chemistry anyway?
Georgie Introna's son, Tommie, likes to get 100% in the art exam, much to the disappointment of R. Cox who is usually too stoned to notice.
- Latin and Greek
For the past couple of years, the rivalry between Flesher and Cooper/Lindsay has been fierce, but this year, Cooper/Lindsay won three out of three Latin and Greek prizes; but in previous years, Flesher has triumphed. On YouTube somewhere, there is a video of them fighting it out at an afterschool exam session...apparently.
edit Post Script
Recently, many of the older pupils have disappeared. It is not yet known whether they somehow incurred the wrath the Führer or whether they are the first successful refugees from LRGS. No doubt the truth will become clear in time...
|This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this.|
This is an educational page that tells people of the goings on in St Joseph's College in Sydney, Hunter's hill. This page tells us of the believed history of the college and describes some of the many teachers at the school.
Hell (otherwise known as St Joseph's College), formally known as Joeys is a high security juvenile detention centre for Bogans, Wiggas and Niggas. It is run by a family of suspicious brothers in sandals and high socks. Joeys was founded by Pauliase Tamopouτariuorlloughuτpopoplτioraueyoreaoreτao!r!akcluckc.
St Josephs College Hunters Hill is located on the hill in which Jesus and Satan fought an epic battle for 1000 years in which Jesus defeated Satan, condemning him eternally to an immortal human medium named Brother Anthony Boyd. The students of St Joseph's celebrate Jesus' success through Family masses followed by Sporting Rally's (students are not allowed to socialize with family at any point during these masses).
edit Teachers and Brothers:
Brother Anthony: After his arrival in 1732 Brother was conceived and born at Joeys. His origins are unknown. Since brother’s promotion to deputy principal family masses have increased by 200% and satanic rituals (A.K.A turkey slaps) have increased by 600%. Last year in 2005 Brother was investigated for attempted mass genocide at an assembly in which he instructed teachers to “put on their gas masks and close the doors”
Ms Phillips: Ms Phillips lost her control of her vocal chords in 1897. Her hobbies include mind maps, hello kitty, more mind maps and sky diving. Miss Phillips is known for the typical geographers (except for Miss Quinn who actually teaches the subject) marking schemes in which color is greater than quality.
Cox: Mr. Cox believed we should belong to the lesson. He can always be found in the music centre wearing his black suit and colorful musical themed ties.
Danny: Due to a freak accident involving a dog and an ice cream truck, Danny has testipops every 3rd syllable.
Ticehurst: Ticehurst is currently the most highly paid staff member at the school, supervising students in PD/H/RE (2 subjects morphed together involving more PE than RE). He came to Joeys after his official rugby league career was cut short after a fatal spear tackle to a rugby referee.
Morag: DON’T CALL ME MORAGGGGGGGGG. She also goes on a lot about her lover poss. If you say her name three times she appears in a cloud of smoke and puts you in a jar.
Art Department: All art teachers are rejected extras from the matrix, hence the long black coats.
Ms Ternes: GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE/ Cancer
Mr Hutchenson: Now departed from the school, was voted Australia’s most aspiring teacher. Although failing to teach any of his students we all wished him well for his new teaching career at Hunters Hill High.
Mith Witah: Mith Witah wath attacked by a flock of geethe while telling the clath to focuth. On the weekend she thellth thee shellth by the thee shore.
Translated sentence: Miss Witah was attacked by a flock of geese while telling the class to focus. On the weekend she sells see shells by the see shore.
Mr. Hughes: Mr. Hughes, I.T overlord and Master of the know universe. Enjoys cigarettes, LOTS of Cigarettes. He gets very angry when people play with his knobs.
The staff at colo includes Mr. Bryant his dog and Ella. In the past horror movies such as the Blare Witch Project, Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Wolf Creek have all been based on colo experiences. The following is a true transcript from a previous colo expedition:
- Crunch: Crunch to Longy
- Longy: Go ahead crunch
- Crunch: TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND, TALK AROUND.
When considering sending ones son to Joeys one should weigh up the pros and cons.
- It has a pool with a diving board
- Free expensive items
- Easy way to loose unwanted and wanted items
- They took the diving board away
- It costs in excess of 50 Billion dollars a year
- Minimum dog shop purchase is $100
- Bacteria on food
- Fungus on food
- AIDS on food
- Sperm on food
- Hepatitis B on food
- More crime per capita in Joeys than the rest of the world
- Every boy must model themselves in Speedos once a year to the brothers
One must not forget the well valued infirmary. Here at Joeys we have DIY nursing. E.g. Sister my arm is falling off, sister replies, “Have some ice” or “miss I have aids” miss replies “take a panadol”.
edit Jewish Media
Its a Proven fact that the Jews control 800% of the worlds media, the other three percent are those coward muslim news shows. What we don't know is the tightness of their grip. This is an investigation into the Jewish conspiracy and its effects on ordinary humans like you and me.
Me: So Lenny, whats the deal with the whole running the media thing?.
Lenny: My name isn't Lenny its Karen, get to the back of the fucking line!
Me: So you deny it? 'Cause I'll have you know, I'm recording this interview.
Lenny: Jeez, you got a learning disability or something? FUCK OFF!
Lets analyze that interview, First off he admits to several things, but in a cryptic hebrew code. Lets look at the first sentence:
My name isn't Lenny its Karen, get to the back of the fucking line!
This ones easy, The name "Karen" is actually an acronym for "Kyke Association Ruining Ecclesiology Now" or "K.A.R.E.N" I learned this from my years of study in Israel or "SatanLand" as they call it.
Now lets look at where he tells me to get back in line, its seems innocent enough, he would almost have you believe I was in some kind of line. In reality the word "line" is a metaphor for the jewish conspiracy so what he really meant was "stay out of our conspiracy".
Finally the last sentence is the most damning of all. Lets take a look:
Jeez, you got a learning disability or something? FUCK OFF!
HAH! Did you see that, he said Jeez which is short for Jesus! This is a direct reference to his personal involement in the murder of Jesus Christ. Anyone who didn't believe before should seriously consider believing now.
edit Crazy or Genius?
I've been called many things in my persuit for the truth. But i've always been right and never told a lie. I have my dignity. They thought Galileo was crazy when he predicted the attempted assasination of President Reagan. Galileo was stabbed in both eyes by the jews and he eventually became a mute, but when it happened, did anyone say they were sorry? Is that hard? Just to say I'm sorry, you were right, we were wrong. That is a classic example of the jews controlling the media even in the Galileo days before Jesus. Surpressing ideas that might foil thier plans of world domination. Now for the evidence. I'll show you some pictures and we'll see how deep it goes, Please scroll slowly down the SCARY JEWISH SCROLL JOURNEY OF DOOM:
Did you see anyone of interest there. I didn't. All I see are jews. Thats a conspiracy right there!! If you deny it, your a part of it!!!
edit How, When & Why
Now I will tell you their plans.
First of all one must understand what motivates jewish people, money and bagels. Second you need undertsand the culture, they aren't like me and you. Jewish people perform a ritualistic ceremony every wednesday in which they:
- Sacrifice Children
- Inject large amounts of heroin
- Worship satan
- Invest in the stockmarket
- Tell jokes about themselves
- Refuse to spend any money
These are the things that control their minds. Their lives can be boiled down into three basic needs.
- Being greedy
The WHY, is simple, to facilitate these unholy needs.
I have an indepth knowledge of their overall strategy, heres a dumbed down version:
- Step one- seize control of media
- Step two- use media to spread pro-semetic propaganda
- Step three- Convince countries of the world to lay down their arms and join them
- Step four- Destroy naysayers.
The HOW, even more simple than the WHY.
This is the most definate part of my investigation. By studying the old testament I have found a hidden secret code thats tells me exactly when its going to happen:
- The eleventh
Theres the WHEN, you better believe it.IT ALREADY HAPPENED!
edit What We Are Gonna Do About It
I'll get back to you.
edit Die in a Fire
“But i dont want to!”
“Well I don't care if you think it "needs more cowbell", you can die in a fire!!!”
"Die in a fire" is a phrase used to demonstrate anger (or moch-anger) towards another person. Said as an imparative, it is almost always followed by at least one (1) exclamation point, when written.
When lacking exclamation points, it can also be used as a term of affection, i.e.: Person A: "I love you, dear." Person B: "Die in a fire."
The earliest found usage (possibly the original coining) of this phrase is from a Myspace bulliten sent out by Jerry "G." in early 2006 in which he answered the survey question "Oprah or Ricky Lake?" by saying "Oprah. Ricky Lake can die in a fire."
The phrase was then spread throughout Jerry's friends, primarily through Michael "L." and JM "D.". Recent appearances on the internet, such as the web comic SNAFU, are speculated to be possible results of Jerry's usage of the phrase.
Another theory, put forward by conspiracy theorists, is that "die in a fire" references the fire of Hell, and has sprouted in multiple regions simultaneously as a warning that the apocalypse is near. Posting, and subsequent deletion, of this article on "Wikipedia" supports this conspiricy, in that it shows the wanton cover-up of important knowledge.
edit Related Phrases
"Die in a fire"'s usage began at a time when the phrase "in the face" was being tacked on to the end of sentences for comedic effect by Michael "L.", JM "D.", and friends. This phrase stems from the party game "Mafia", where one role in the game is entitled "I stab you in the face." Also in usage at the time was the phrase "go kill yourself." This phrase's usage is much like "die in a fire", and therefore was mixed with it, producing "Go kill yourself in a fire". The two additions are commonly seen together, yeilding the phrase "Go kill yourself in a fire in the face."
- "Die in a fire" is abreviated "DIAF"
- The "D" of "DIAF" is sometimes replaced with the prefix "GKY" (Go Kill Yourself).
- "DIAF" and "GKYIAF" are sometimes suffix with "ITF" (In The Face).
- "Die in a fire" is represented by the emoticon >*X-[
- This article needs more cowbell.
edit Thailand Expedition
thailandman:d00d this server r0x! militaryman has entered the game thailandman:who the heck iz u militaryman:n00b dis is my server now get out thailandman:wth? h@x! militaryman hits,50 damage to thailandman militaryman has killed thailandman! usa has entered the game usa:d00d dats not c00l usa:turn back to demockcrasay militaryman:h@x! uk:wats goin on? usa:these n00bs pwn3d thailand uk:these d00ds are h@xxorrs usa:noob ur gonna get pwned! usa hits 15 damage to militaryman uk hits 15 damage to militaryman uk:thailand is da 1337! militaryman:ur ghey take this! military man hits 17 damage to usa usa:u suck n00bz uk hits 20 damage to military man malay1 has entered the game militaryman:wth? militaryman:who iz u? malay1:im pwning j00 h@x malay1 hits 30 damage to militaryman militaryman hits 19 damage to uk uk:n00b j00 are so ghey uk hits 25 damage to militaryman militaryman hits 30 damage to usa usa hits 45 damage to militaryman militaryman:joo n00bs get out militaryman hits 55 damage to uk uk hits 43 damage to militaryman usa:get ready for a pwning n00b usa hits 40 damage to militaryman uk hits 40 damage to militaryman militaryman:wth!? usa:teh 1337 noobz! laoboy has entered the game laoboy:wats up? militaryman:i'm pwning n00bs wanna hlp? laoboy:sure usa:hey wuzzup n00bs usa hits 50 damage to laoboy uk hits 45 damage to militaryman militaryman:dood u suk laoboy hits 40 damage to usa militaryman hits 38 damage to uk burma has entered the game burma:whuzzup d00dz uk:we're pwning the h@xxorzz burma:can i join? uk:yeah burma:c00l burma hits 56 damage to militaryman cambo has entered the game laoboy:wth? cambo hits 36 damage to laoboy burma hits 66 damage to militaryman burma:pwned teh 1337 usa:burma j00 rox uk:111 teh suxxorzz militaryman:d00d im out militaryman has left the server
edit Indirectly Effective/useless/non-projectile Guns
edit Quarter gun
This gun, used exclusively by residents of Lyford Cay, Beverly Hills, and Wall Street, not only launches painful quarters at your enemy, but emasculates them by showing them that you are so rich you're actually using currency as ammunition.
edit The chicken sprouting gun
A gun about the size of a pistol, the Chicken Sprouting Gun fires microscopic eggs at the enemy, which hatch in about 2 seconds and sprout millions of microscopic chickens. These chickens lay more eggs, which hatch into more chickens which lay even more eggs, and so on, until the enemy bursts from having wayyyyyyyy too many chickens inside his body. The chickens, upon coming into contact with air, dissipate, leaving nothing but microscopic feathers behind. This weapon is especially effective in preventing your enemies from asking pointless existential questions about which came first.
edit Dance Rifle
Targets of the Dance Rifle are forced to break out in DDR-style dance mania for an indefinite amount of time. Though also not much use in actual combat, it was still voted by the U. N. as Most Inhumane Weapon of 2005, narrowly beating out the Soulrender 2000 for the honour.
edit Dali Ray
Created as a last-resort anti-personnel weapon by the Spanish military in 1991, the Dali Ray was an attempt to fuse the trademark Spanish surrealist style with the most painful death imaginable. The original design was introduced by a small team of hobbyists who specialized in "blowing things up in microwaves" to Generalissimo El Samuel Suave de la Pava, who happened to be an amateur collector of fine art. Intrigued by the idea, de la Pava reserved funding for what became known as "Proyecto Gala," named for the wife of the acclaimed Salvador Dali, and testing went underway in early 1992.
Initial tests on animal subjects resulted in a wide variety of shapes including flying pomenegrates, mousetraps, slices of bacon, skulls, female breasts, large musical instruments participating in adulterous acts, and in one peculiar circumstance,
Despite the praise of de la Pava, who hoped to utilize the Dali Ray as a form of riot control in conjunction with the National Spanish Project for Renovation of the Public Arts, the Dali Ray was decomissioned in late 1992. Its whereabouts have since been unknown, but recent evidence suggests testing on human subjects by the Japanese government. Human rights activists have joined with fine art critics in lauding this creative use of torture to advance human interaction with the arts on what one critic calls "the deepest level possible [...] The Dali Ray not only allows us to connect with art, it allows us to become the art."
The Dali Ray uses a reverse-polarity stream combined with a generic paranoiac-critical actuator to generate a concentrated field of Picasso Particles which, upon contact with the target, collapse into themselves and form the famously, highly unpredictable Surrealist state of matter which results in what de la Pava called the "Dali Effect." The Dali Effect, in short, extracts and rearranges gluons in whatever way Salvador Dali would have seen fit, transforming regular forms into surrealist objects, a transformation which usually results in excruciating pain for the target.
Contrasts have been drawn between the Dali Ray and the Heart of Gold, inspiring many theorists to claim that the Heart of Gold itself is actually an extremely advanced generator of the Dali Effect.
edit Gun that gives people cancer later in life
The gun that gives people cancer later in life looks like a simple firearm in appearance. When it's user pulls the trigger whilst pointing it at a particular target, it appears and sounds as though the gun is firing without ammo. However, the unsuspecting target will develop a most insidious and unstoppable tumor several years, possibly decades, in the future. This is also known as the laser. Unfortunately, the battery pack needed to power the gun is massive, and makes for a better weapon, club really, than the gun, and is much faster.
edit Eber's Bowels disruptor
This abominable weapon is feared for one reason and one reason only: the "RECTAL VOLCANO" distrupment mode. Unlike the fairly amusing "Trickle" and "Feces Fall" mode, one shot from this is enough to make even the strongest of men suffer eternal agony in his mid-lower section. The ensuing blast of crap would undoubtably also annihilate any lower articles of clothing, and most likely result in the creation of a large crater similar to the one where Hiroshima used to be.
edit Spiderman Gun
This gun has a curved barrel so that when the gun is fired it shoots a radioactive spider at the person who fired it. The spider's bite transforms the shooter into Spiderman in a matter of seconds. Then you can seriously WHOOP SOME ASS.
edit Russian Reversal Reversal Gun
This gun was a poor attempt by the USA to counter Russian Reversal. It has the ability to take everything said in Russain Reversal, and Westernize it. Unfortunately, the design never got off the drawning board, thanks to pressure from Militant Wikipeidia Communists.
edit Butter gun
With a spectacular confluence of neo-classical economic principles, guns and butter can be combined to produce the extremely inexpensive butter gun. For the cost of a single "metal" gun, dozens, scores and even grosses of butter guns can be produced.
The equilibrium point for this process is "off the chart," i.e., dog! The production-possibilities frontier is breached by the creation of the butter gun itself. In an effort to create a better butter gun, Latvia's top economists, weaponologists, and scienticians found that for the cost of four guns or four butters, one can produce 3,277 butter guns. Unfortunately, they cannot actually be used to attack anything save waffles and Overlord Jemima.
Note: Due their extreme ineffectiveness in killing, hurting, or even annoying people, butter guns should be made strictly for foreign customers. Establishing these critical export markets will be discussed in Macro next semester (Phase II.)
edit Rubber ducky gun
Completely pointless! But good if your son/daughter has lost her real pet duck. Just fire rubber ducky at cage or container where the old, real duck was and your child will never know the difference. Originally invented to develop handgun skills and encourage firearm familiarity in young children. The most common use was by two or more toddlers in a bubble filled bath, where parents would either support and encourage the positive feelings and emotions associated with playing with guns, so as to desensitise the children to death, and the prevent an ingrained sense of ‘responsibility for ones actions’ appearing at a young age.
edit Sperm gun
This weapon was created in the year 1972 by the famous scientist/porn star Ron Jeremy... This weapon, if it existed, would have the potential to do high damage. Possessing the capability to instantly impregnate its victims, regardless of their gender. This could prove somewhat embarassing to males, as they lack a suitable opening to release the infant. Upon firing, the weapon would release a barrage of genetically modified sperm, able to penetrate their victim and impregnate him/her. How two sperms combine to form a zygote, I don't know. Perhaps the baby is ready-made? Note that this weapon is not feasible for use on an inanimate object as they cannot reproduce. With the exception of computers, anyway.
The effect of a sperm gun on females would be minimal, unless fired multiple times. Firing the sperm gun only once may result merely in one baby, causing no harm except to her figure, possibly. Multiple shots should cause her to be impregnated 20+ times, calling for abortion, extensive operating or exploding vagina due to lack of space for the babies to emerge. This would be highly messy, however. Notable for its different levels of severity, the only drawback to the Sperm gun is that the user has to manually pump the supply hose which (not seen) is attached to the user's penis...
On a male, the results are far more noticeable. As there is no suitable opening, even one shot can prove lethal. The only feasible options are a sex change or death. Abortion will not work as everyone knows that men can't abort babies. Neither are they supposed to get pregnant, but who cares. Death is extremely painful and the process humiliating. As the nine months pass, the victim will apparently become increasingly obese. At childbirth, there are not only the crippling labour pains to deal with, there is also the minor detail of the lack of a suitable opening. This results either in a ruptured penis and forcible gender change or an expanded anus. Greatly expanded, at that.
Both conditions invariably lead to death most of the time. It is, however, worth noting that this weapon takes nine months to take effect and thus is not very suitable. Also, don't use it unless you're sure that the babies won't survive, especially if you're using it on Oprah Winfrey.
This could be used as a sex toy, but you would need to pay a huge fee aborting those children. Also effective against Amazonian women, home intruders, Paris Hilton and George Bush Jr.s Mom.
edit RPG Launcher
As the name suggest, this gun fires a role-playing game at it's target, distracting them for hours at a time and rendering them lifelong virgins. The wielder can then run away or simply kill his opponent.
edit Action RPG Launcher
Similar to the RPG launcher, this fires out an Action RPG. The ARPG Launcher is generally used on opponents too stupid to figure out more complex RPGs who will become distracted and wander around killing things. The result is much the same as an RPG launcher, but if used on a more intelligent opponent there is a chance they will quickly become bored.
edit Japanese RPG Launcher
A further improvement to the RPG launcher and Action RPG launcher, the Japanese RPG Lanucher fires out a Japanese RPG at the opponent. The JRPG launcher uses anime-style cutscenes, incomprehensible oddball game mechanics, a variety of unusual, odd, and just plain creepy characters and amusing mistranslation to create an even more effective projectile weapon. The JRPG Launcher is particularly effective against otaku. The leading manufacturer of JRPG ammo is Nippon Ichi.
edit MMORPG Launcher
The ultimate RPG launcher, this fires out a pulse which simultaneously occupies human targets for hours (sometimes even days), slows everybody else in the vicinity's internet to a crawl, and causes lag for miles around, allowing the wielder to use bullet time, and sometimes even Red Time. Occasionally the MMORPG launcher will accidentally fire Diablo II - this is a misfire but still occasionally effective. Even more cruelly, targets with inferior computer systems will become unable to play the MMORPG (especially if World of Warcraft is loaded), and become infuriated at the problems, and spend days, weeks, months, occasionally even years, attempting to upgrade their computer to play - allowing the wielder to prepare a nuclear strike. Using Final Fantasy XI as a bullet enrages most Final Fantasy fans into relentlessly attacking, so be careful. Overuse of this weapon can be known to cause Lagnarok. Famous wielders include Charles Dickens.
edit Pump-Action Spectacle Chaingun
The Pump-Action Spectacle Chaingun allso known as the Spectacle Eradicator is a commonly used weapon in riot control. This weapon shoots wrong prescription spectacles at a high rate of fire. Once on an enemy they can't see a thing and are easy targets. For best results ensure that the target has eyes first.
edit Canon Canon
This large canon fires a canon - which inturn fires a canon ball.
edit Canon Canon Canon
This large canon fires a canon, which then fires a canon - which inturn fires a canon ball.
edit Canon Canon Canon Canon MK. 5
This large canon fires a canon, which then fires a canon, which then fires a canon, which then fires a canon, which then fires a canon, which then fires a canon, which then fires a canon, which then fires a canon, which then fires a canon, which then fires a canon, - which inturn fires a canon ball.
The Canon Canon Canon Canon MK. 5 has been know to backfire. The projectile, nestled within the canon, encircled the globe and shot the firer in the back - he did not die though, as the projectile was a microspic size
edit Camera gun
A camera, equipped with the barrel of a shotgun. Marvel at the look on your enemy's face seconds before getting blasted with one of these.
edit Reverse Camera Gun
Like a camera gun, except it blasts YOU in the face. Popular in Soviet Russia.
edit Elongated mammal gun
Despite the fact that little furry mammals, such as ferrets, dachshunds meerkats, and weasels are so cute and furry, they make excellent weapons of mass destruction. Simply load one of them into the barrel, aim, and fire. Depending on the mammal fired, the effects will be different. If a ferret is fired, it will pee all over the target before biting and running away. A weasel will bite, scratch, and make the victim's life unbearable until given fifty live baby mice. A dachsund will gouge out the victims eyes and then strangle it with its own intestines. A meerkat will curl into a ball, and harmlessly follow the victim/owner around. When midnight strikes, however, it will summon a horde of meerkats, who will eviscerate the victim in its sleep.
An anteater can be sharpened, elongated, and used in a similar way to a gun that shoots swords. A camel can have its neck lengthened, and will spit on the victim before colliding with him for extra damage.
edit Multipurpose Elongated Mammal Gatling Gun
edit Multiporpoise Elongated Mammal Gatling Gun
Similar to the Multipurpose Elongated Mammal Gatling Gun, but automatically shoots a small pod of porpoise along with the selected mammal, which can allow it to travel long distances, knock obsatcles out of the way, or just distract the target.
edit Elephant Gun
This gun looks like a perfectly ordinary pistol, but it fires full grown Indian Elephants. The upside is that not many things will last long after behing hit with a high-speed elephant, and that's provided they don't die from the surprise of seeing a multi-ton mammal fired at them out of a pocket-size pistol. The downside is that the elephant isn't apt to be very happy when it lands, and may maul the person who fired the gun. There is also no way to reload this gun, as we still haven't figured out how they fit the elephants into the bullets in the first place.
Comes in a blue version and a red version, but not a yellow version. There's no such thing as a Yellow Elephant Gun.
A version with Giant Menstruating She-Elephants is also popular in Laos.
edit Madonna gun
Although popular with the "gay" community, Madonnas music is actully a form of slow torture when initiated "time goes by, so slowly" causing severe headaches and possible ear explosion. Although not properly tested, the Madonna gun does affect the user, so develop a taste in men before using this weapon. Or cut off your ears.
edit Fried chicken gun
Although named "fried chicken gun", after loading live fowl into the hopper, the only thing this gun shoots out is fully cooked, rotisserie drumsticks. This weapon has a knob on it with two settings: Swords and Plowshares. When set to Swords, the drumsticks fire at a constant chickeny barrage, striking their target with forceful bony impact. When set to Plowshares, the drumsticks are helpfully presented to the wielder for oral consumption. (An under-barrel attachment provides various dipping sauces to accompany the drumsticks.) Attempting to be clever by setting the knob in the exact middle produces bizarre miniature plowshares that are strangely sharp, and disrupt proverbial wisdom for miles around. This weapon deals double damage to vegetarians and quadruple damage to vegans.
The sound chickens make when being inserted into this weapon is uniquely unpleasant.
Invented in the KFC Riots of 2048.
edit Poontang Gun
This gun shoots out poontangs which can ricochet around corners and make basically everybody uncomfortable. The name itself is also effective in making most men uncomfortable. Poontang. See? The gun is built for the most part like an RPG unit but has a more "v" shaped barrel. This Rocket Propelled Poontang can shoot poontangs at up to eleven miles per hour. The force of just one poontang shot from this gun from eighty feet away can hurt a little to adults and sometimes knock over small children. The damp nature of the projectile also makes it effective against people that don't like mucus or other wet things.
edit Blue Veined Custard Gun
This gun would be easily concealed in your pants making it the ultimate assassaiyans weapon. When faced with the need to use all you'd have to do is place one or both of your hands in your pockets and prime the gun. This is done by pumping the gun 20 or 30 times.
When it has been fully primed, you withdraw the blue veined custard gun from your pants and force the target to their knees. You then fire point blank to the face. You can also fire it at the victim's buttocks or stomach, but it doesn't look as impressive.
You then clean your blue veined custard gun, and leave the motel room.
edit Anti-Aussie Gun
This gun requires the use of an Englishman, which is why it is necessary to use it before you use the gun below. Aim the gun at an Englishman, pull the trigger, and the gun fires a cricket ball. The Englishman then produces a cricket bat from nowhere and hits the ball for 6. All nearby Aussies then spew so much nonsense about dodgy umpires and general surprise that 'Poms can actually play cricket' that they self-destruct.
edit Anti-Englishman Gun
A gun that shoots coffee at Britons. Coming in contact with coffee will almost instantly kill any Briton from sheer horror and shock. This weapon is far more effective if the coffee was correctly made with tepid to warm water, as many Brits have developed a resistance to variants created using boiling water, as is their custom.
edit Anti-Chav Gun
This shoots a stream of culture at any unsuspecting chav. Contact with culture will cause any chav to instantly vaporize, leaving naught but a small pile of charred Burberry clothing.
edit Anti-Politician Gun
Shoots a picture of the Constitution. This should be enough to kill most politicians. It will certainly kill any Federal politician, as they are all amoral and power-hungry anyway; the Constitution to a politician is like a cross to a vampire.
While dangerous to both Democrats and Republicans, Socialist politicians are reduced to ashes.
It's said to be paticularly effective against supreme court judges as well.
edit Anti-Bush Gun
Emits deadly rays of intelligence, which is anti-matter to Bush. Aaaiiieeee... I'm Melting(Bush)
Some variations of the Anti Bush gun fires a life size repleca of India. Another fires gays.
edit Anti-Tax Gun
Fires a small tax man to knock on doors. The tax man then WHOOPS SOME ASS, while stealing your money. It's a win-win for you. WARNING: Ocassionaly will back-fire and steal your own money.
edit Anti-Terrorist Gun
This shoots ordinary bullets. That should still be enough to kill a terrorist. For fun shoot bullets made of pork this causes terrorists to scream in the wretched agony of one who believes he is doomed to eternal torment.
edit Anti-French Gun
This shoots ordinary bullets, just like the previous one. There is also a setting for use of an invading army, which serves just as well, but with more humiliation.
edit Anti-Liberal Gun
Shoots a hypodermic bullet filled with logic inducing serum. Causes their brains to explode.
edit Anti-Conservative Gun
Shoots a hypodermic bullet filled with logic inducing serum. Causes their brains to explode.
edit Anti-Michael Brown Gun
Shoots waves of Responsibility.
edit Anti-F.E.M.A Gun
Just give them a watch; it's much easier.
edit Anti-Laotian Gun
This gun, by existing, creates a paradox and destroys everything in the universe except for Laotians.
edit Anti-Irish Gun
This gun does two things, depending on who fires it.
When used by anyone else, this gun does nothing except maybe consume the user in a manifestation of his own stupidity. It is a well-known fact that Irish people can only be killed by Laotians (the masters of ass-kicking) and other Irish (The Laotians of Europe).
edit Anti-American Gun
Has the word "France" written on it. Most Republicans will consider this anti-American. Most Democrats will consider this a "made in China" sticker, spelled wrong.
edit Anti-Gay Gun
When fired a wormhole is opened. From the worm hole a 16 wheeled semi and a drunk trucker appear. The trucker than proceeds to tie the gay to the back of his truck and he drives him off to the depths of hell. Dark Jesus's favorite weapon.
edit Anti-Homophobe gun
Same as above, instead the trucker himself is gay, and proceeds to tie the homophobe to the back of his truck and he drives him into the deepest bowels of hell. Jesus favorite weapon.
edit Anti-Nazi Gun
This Israeli-made weapon usually fires lethal bullets filled with Kosher. Alternatively, Russia has recently developed hollow rounds filled with Vodka to only paralyze the target. But nobody cares about paralyzing, everybody sticks to the lethal variant.
edit Everything Else
edit Bulimic zombie gun
Though little more than a bulimic zombie used as a gun, this relativey light weapon will fire devastating, acidy globs of vomit. One upside to the bulimic zombie gun is that any kind of food may be used as ammo. Earlier test models that did not use zombies had the annoying tendency to die during combat, becoming little more than a boring meat shield. The use of the undead for this application prevented such mishaps, and minor inconveniences like limbs rotting off can be solved with duct tape. There is also the added intimidation factor of "AAAAAHHHH! A ZOMBIE!" which is a sure plus.
Note: Bulimic zombie guns cannot be labeled as living weapons, as they are not technically living. They're undead, dumbass.
edit Road rage gun
Okay, so we've all felt road rage. Some idiot cuts you off in traffic. Some drunk is driving down the road at 15 mph, weaving all over the place, and you can't pass. What to do? Well, a road rage gun would allow you to shoot a very special paintball pellet at the vehicle in question. When the pellet hits, it spells out, in large fluorescent letters, a message like "Stupid Ass Drunk Driver" or "I rape children, and love it." Collect three of these messages, and the idiot loses his or her driver's license, which they obviously should never have been given in the first place.
edit Serrated bullet
Bullets only stab once. This is because bullets are a waste of metal. Serrated bullets would stab multiple times, and the person you're shooting will be in much more agony. Is there a single reason not to serrate bullets? Okay, the bullet might not fly right, and might hit YOU instead. Oh, well — it was worth a try.
edit Paper gun
No one likes a paper cut. The paper gun essentially acts upon this primal fear. Instead of firing lethal blasts of death ray it instead acts as a portable printer. You print some paper, walk up to your enemy, and then scratch them. This hurts....a lot... *Note: Do not expect results.
edit The PWNT gun
When fired, your enemy becomes immediately PWNT with no chance of them ever recovering. Works most effectively on n00bs.
edit Runescape Gun
This gun fires a concentrated crappy MMORPG with lots of lag. All hardcore gamers will die instantly. All mediocore gamers will die after a short period of time. All gaming no0bs and idiotic 8 year olds will enjoy the game, thus it is ineffective, which is why it is necesary to carry the below gun, just in case.
edit Anti-Runescape Gun
This gun fires Anti-Runescapeness! All hardcore Runescape players, will blow up. All medicore runescape players, will disintegrate. All Runescape noobs, will either realize how much the game sucks, and stop playing, or they will disintigrate. If fired at Zezima(the Runescape player with absolutely no life) he will die, and cause a chain reaction thus causing all Runescape players who don't convert to Anti-Runescapeness to blow up, and all who do will be spared. If fired at Jagex, their heads will explode and all Runescape servers will detonate! If fired at any Anti-Runescapers, nothing will happen.
edit Gun that shoots apples that lodge themselves in people's ears
Very effective when used on people who have ears.
edit Tractor Beam
This versatile weapon has two settings: One fires a laser that turns the target into a tractor, and the other flings a nearby tractor at a high velocity in the direction aimed. A potent combination.
edit Moron Launcher
This versitile weapon can shoot high velocity morons at the target with devastating results. The moron explodes on impact turning everyone near by into a moron that runs into another, explodes and turns him in to amoron too that runs... etc.
edit Gun that shoots Laotians
Causes a Laotian to come out and kick your enemies' asses. Then your ass.
edit Gun that shoots darkness
You'd think this would be useless. Well, no. It's useful for making your enemies think that there isn't an alligator pit between them and you.
edit Nirvana Gun
This gun is not lethal, though can help you in court where you can defend yourself, saying you didn't kill anyone. This gun targets sleep centers in the brain and triggers them, causing victims to instantaneously fall fast asleep for several hours.
edit Full time gun
Used constantly in crappily-written works of Australian anime, this ghun can cause time travel and change the past to fit a new present, with a catch. See also: Butterfly Effect Machine
edit Full-Time gun
Completely unlike the above gun, employers use it so employees will work their full shift efficiently, an by that we mean not complaining about their working conditions or tiny pay, not redirecting the customers that need to pee out onto the store signs, and not sleeping or eating any of the food reserved for the managers. If they want food, then they can have the dumpsters behind McDonalds. But not our dumpsters. They aren't worthy enough to have our refuse.
edit Not Even Guns
edit Guitar gun
A favorite of assassin mariachis, the Guitar Gun is an invention by the Death Metal guitarist Gareth Gates. Gareth Gates decided that his UZI 9mm wasn't exciting enough, so he converted a Flying-V style guitar into a fully automatic machine gun.
The Guitar Gun is capable of firing 1000 rounds per minute, and Gareth Gates first used it against his father, Darth Vader, in 2016. Although it wasn't powerful enough to penetrate his armour, it managed to become one of the most popular weapons of the 21st Century.
The design of the Guitar Gun has changed over the years, and it now includes a scope and a blade on the headstock. It has knobs for all kinds of things, such as speed and power, aswell as the incredible sound effects that you would find on a battery powered toy gun. The Guitar Gun is also available in many styles, including the Stratocaster, Telecaster and Les Paul.
Guitar Guns are currently mass produced on an uncharted island south of Australia, by a company called Epiguns. Famous users of this weapon are Mr T, various cast members of FLCL, Rambo and Tony Blair.
It is known that during the War of Rock from 2010 to 2014, Guitar Guns were the main weapon used. The Loyalist forces used Flying-V style Guitar Guns, and the New Rocking Order used Stratocaster and Les Paul style Guitar Guns. Legend has it that John Frusciante of the Loyalist forces could break down an enemy Rocker by just playing the intro to Under the Bridge.
It should be noted that in an unrelated incident onstage in 1973, Robert Fripp played a dissonant chord that myseriously killed an audience member during a performance of "Lark's Tounges in Aspic Pt. II". Currently, research is ongoing to discover if this is indeed an anachronistic instance of a prototypical Guitar Gun.
edit Laser spectacles
According to recent studies by the Department of statistics (a common misspelling of "the Department of Satanists") you know more than a third of people either need or have glasses. Now think about it if you are sick about being teased about your large thick, plastic rimmed spectacles. Well no longer with the amazing Laser Spectacles IN 3D. Laser spectacles shoot a super red hot beam of 100% pure laser which can incinerate your enemies until they are burnt into a cheese and onion flavoured potato crisp; crinkle cut of course.
Pre-order them today* at: www.pleasehelpmeturnmyenemiesintoacheeseandonionflavouredpotatocrisp.crinklecutnaturally.astheyteasemeaboutmyspectacles.com
edit Shotgun Shoes
Shotguns...concealed in your shoes!. Just be careful when putting them on, make sure to point them AWAY from your face, genitials, ect. Also, don't accidently smash your heel into the ground or jump, as you may fire the gun and kill someone who you didn't mean to.
This gun fires a ray that causes its targets to have an orgasm, thus disabling them for just long enough to shoot them with your normal gun. Of course, this raises the question as to why, if you can shoot them with your Orgasmatron, why not just shoot them with your regular gun? This basically means that the Orgasmatron is almost useless in actual combat. It is, however, a lot of fun at parties.
The Dead flounder can be used like a slow-acting land mine. Simply hide it within the enemy camp (sheep ninjas can be used for this purpose) and wait 3-5 days for the enemy's nose to melt off. This weapon can also be used to detect if the enemy has kittens at their disposal, since kittens can be used to disarm a dead flounder. Early testing of this weapon was done on a black Michael Jackson. Those of you who would not wish such a cruel fate on another human being should observe one of the other numerous weapons described here.
edit The Desert Beagle
This is what has now replaced the Desert Eagle in the hip game Counter-Strike. It holds 7 beagles and is still the most powerful pistol in the game used mostly by sniper noobz.
edit Chuck Norris' Guns
There so big n' huge lol
edit The Hax Gun
An extremly awesome gun that cause several huge amount of spyware and hax programs as well as viruses to flood into you're victims body, causing them to melt into a large green blob.
“In humanity, only so much can be tolerated, even in terms of weaponry.”
edit Axl Rose's voice
Axl Rose is especially known to use the the ancient ninja-technique known as the skunk-cry: "SHA NA NA NA NA NA NA KNEES KNEES!"
During Operation Desert Strom Axl Rose was kidnapped, tied up, shoved into a tank outfitted with a loudspeaker and he was forced to screech in order to drive out the infidels into the open. This is also the reason why Chinese Democracy, the concept or the album, has never seen the light of day.
In either case, Axl Rose's voice has many other uses, including but not limited to:
OH SHIT ITS TANG!!! RUN MOTHER FUCKERS RUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
edit Kool-Aid Man
Think about it... your sitting there minding your own buisness... then someone yells HEY KOOL-AID!!! next thing you know... BAM!!! property dammage... does he pay for it? NO!!! unless OH-YEAH is a leagal tender or currency! i cant buy a new goddamned wall with an OH-YEAH!!! and the kidds fucking drink outta him for god sake!!! i mean like COME ON!!!!!
edit Barbra Streisand
Do I need to say anything else about this?
edit Blue Screen of Death, The
The Blue screen of death is a horrible plot concocted by a nefarious group of college students in the mid 1970's in order to piss off more dependent and less intellectual students using their equipment. The Blue Screen of Death has been attributed, but not limited to, causing the following disasters:
edit Extendable Cattle Prod Nightstick
“Oh, that's just twisted”
Nightsticks hurt when hit with, cattle prods hurt when poked with. Combining the two, may be the most evil idea ever to be come up with by modern man.
Cheese is the fabled weapon of the gods. Cheese supposedly has the same chemical composition of euphoria (PiE). It is well know that Popeye the Sailor Man abused this substance during the great spinach famine. It also is rumored to be able to summon Bob. Fear it and its capabilities.
edit Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris... what more?
edit DDR Machines
The Euroipods article is so bad, one has to:
edit Goatse Man
edit Guns With Bayonets That Are Also Guns
edit Horn Book
Horn Books are still used as a method of torture, but they can be tortured themselves? Why?
edit Incredibly Hot Anime Girls
edit Jon Voight
edit Marguerite Perrin
edit My wife's cooking
Talk about "cruel and unusual punishment". Emeril, she ain't.
edit Simon Cowell
A product of genetic engineering by the british, this human weapon was first conceived in order to attack the enemies emotionally. It will insult anyone with bad talent causing it's morale to go way down and leave them vulnerable for attack and manipulation.
It was transfered to the United States of America for further testing on it's people and was put on the show American Idol as a judge. After years of testing, the results were shown:
edit Soviet dogs with fire on their back
Trained by the commies with the intention of setting alight clinicly morbidly obese people, these were a complete failure, as they were trained with russian fatties, which was exactly what the dogs did when they were on the field, run under the Russian fattos.
With all due respect, these have been taken off your selves by the kind Jockeys from the sky.
edit TOGO Coasters
These horrible virtual weapons, extend their grip into the physical realm. By silently capturing intelligent, creative people in their internet clutches, these user updatable data constructs force their enslaved symbiotes to weave additional layers of intrigue and editability to contain the next round of hapless eggheads.
A wiki is created by enslaving a system administrator, who is foolish enough to be subverted by a non-existant software process. The system admin purchases a digital bed for the wiki to be created, and then proceeds to meld together the magical elements of clock-gated life. At that point, the wiki is still just a fledling vanity web page, albiet a sophisticated site with much dynamic potential. It isn't until the alpha-dupe spends real world time and energy contacting other human beings to participate in it's mind-trap, that the wiki emerges from it's cocoon.
The wiki attracts its prey by siezing and presenting the humorous, factual, or bigoted catalogues of the previous acquisitions. By capturing more and more victims, the wiki actually increases it's abilitiy to capture more drones.
Wikis are usually formed along intellectual boundaries, such as the desire to catalog knowledge, or the desire to make yourself laugh, or the desire to believe that your group is superior to other groups. Captured humans from opposing wikis, often participate in trying to destroy the opposing wiki's credibility. Ironically, in this process, the wiki's share mind-slaves, and both become even more powerful.
Although the more insidious wikis have been created with the soul purpose of enslaving and manipulating pale skinned insocialites, a vast majorities of wikis prey upon their creators.
Weather of Mass Drowning. Hurricanes, typhoons, tropical storms, Ted Kennedy, tsunamis, tidal waves, waterspouts, flash floods, quicksand, and elephant drool. Ban them, we've had enough!
edit Barrett M82 sniper rifle
A weapon that makes people think they can take on Chuck Norris, often with disastrous results.
edit Gay bomb
A bomb that was researched by the US Army, though never developed. It would contain a chemical that, when released into the air, would cause intense homosexual arousal in targets. No such chemical was ever discovered, so the idea was dropped.
A weapon designed to fling human being to great heights. Patented.
edit People Named Shane
Yeah Its That Bad. Especially people named Shane who go to Sanborn
edit Carpal Tunnel syndrome
Carpal tunnel syndrome is a sexually transmitted disease spread by infected keyboards. It was discovered by Al Gore in 1826, working under the direction of his friend and boss, Jesus Gates Christ v.XII. Having just invented the internet, Gore decided to search it with his steam-powered computer for hot vintage porn. Just as his massive manhood was reaching 56 kb/s, he discovered, much to his terror, that gone were his hands and in their place were massive rusty chainsaws.
As the great internet boom of 1929 spread across the world, carpal tunnel would eventually kill 69 trillion Koreans. Despite the heroic efforts of noted scientists and saints such as Benito Mussolini and Dr Ruth Westheimer, a cure has yet to be found. Until such a cure is found, many will be forever deprived of the unbridled joys of touch typing with one hand.
edit Sadako Yamamura
Sadako Yamamura was this one Asian chick from Korea. At the age of 5 she witnessed the atomic missle drop on Korea which successfully brought the peaceful world into World War VIII. Her mother was a liar! and fraud!! TV psychic and her father is thought to be the ocean, meaning the ocean somehow impregnated her mother. Though more likely than not her father was probably her mothers doctor.
Several years later at the age of 12 she developed strong psychic powers, called leukemia by where-ever-the-fuck-in-the-world Korea is. After killing a bunch of reporters who denounced her mother as a fraud worse than Miss Cleo and drowning class mates by will alone, she was committed to a mental hospital.
Sadako continued to be Sadako but the second half (of her) was named Samara. Sadako was a shy, scardy cat, whos powers she couldnt control and the Samara was one little entity that was pure evil and more psychic than Miss Cleo..err bad exampple....
Her doctor, kept Samara from growing by giving her huge cups of of coffee from Starbucks but he could do nothing to weaken the leukemia powers.
Dr. Suzuki sent Sadakos ass off away from the Samara so the 2 wouldnt merge. After mindlessy wandering the streets for a few months, she wound up in an acting troupe. Within a few months her whole acting troupe, a reporter who Sadako apparently killed her boyfriend by will alone, and a lynched, dead Sadako wound up on Dr. Suzukis doorstep. Not much is known at why this happened (since like, everyone who was there is dead d00d) but it appears to have to do with the female lead for a play being mysteriously whacked and Sadako causing everyone to dream about furries.
Unfortinatly for everyone else, Samara and Sadako were reinuted as one and their kickass psychic power had become so powerful it was deadly. Deadly for everyone else that is! With the 2 Sadakos reunited as one evil entity, she turned pure evil with her long, white hair coveirng her face of evil and slow, spastic movements.
Sadako later got served by her father. He snuck up behind her, gave her noggin a whacking with large bamboo stick and threw her ass in a well. As far as we know, Sadako is still down there. Then....like, Sadakos telepathic powers cursed and killed people via videotapes called Videodrome.
edit See Also
The Ring - A film that was set for Sadako to act in.
“Eternity is a long, long time.”
For ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and... Ze neew vinterfresh goom lasts too long for zis eternity, buh-bye now!
Or, in maths, .
Both are accurate to within 3%.
edit See also
edit That One Guy
That One Guy is not a very important person.
He's also That Second Guy's little brother. This works because of time travel, since technically, he was born before the second guy, even if he appeared to be born afterwards.
This lad over younder by the tr..Oh...damnit..maybe not's step-cousin, and That god damn bitch no one gives three flying shits about's great great sister. I hate that god damn bitch no one gives three flying shits about. I hate her to the point I JUST WANT TO FUCKING STAB THAT GOD DAMN BITCH NO ONE GIVES THREE FLYING SHITS ABOUT!!!! GOD DAMNIT IT HATE HER FUCKING KILL NOW!
Oh my god....
edit More Info
That One Guy is Fifty years old, He is an old person. Old people are old, Old is old, Old means old, Old people have crust, crust rhymes with bust, so old people's crust makes them bust into pieces, a thousand pieces, Oreos also come in pieces, Old people's pieces are made of Oreo's, Therefore, old people are undead creatures made from oreos, and stuff. Since the moon is not an oreo, Old people fell down really hard from the moon. That One Guy did too, but he's like...real cool, and stuff...I thinkg
edit See Also
edit External Links
Topol is an entertainer with a prominent porn-star mustache, despite never flaunting this and acting in porno-films, the style is said to be quite popular within his home country of Saudi-Arabia, he is also the least prominent actor with only one name in the world.
Near Chaim later changed his name to Topol, in hopes of becoming a
edit Chris Jones
edit Origin of Chris
Chris Jones is no man; some say he even isn't a woman. Chris is a mystery wrapped in enigma paper and covered with uncertainty juice.
But.... Some facts are known about this "being".
about the weather.
edit Chris: Facts or common myths?
edit Chris : The Article which opened our eyes
Official Press release from the UN :
" Chris, also known as "y boi yna", is believed by some to be an rare bipedal Great ape-like creature, but is considered an urban legend by many others.
Chris is described as a large, bipedal hairy hominoid creature living in remote forested wilderness areas of Gwynedd, specifically in Cilgwyn. Some think that Chris may be found around the world under different regional names, such as "David Hasselhoff". Sightings have allegedly occurred in Malaysia, China, Russia, Australia, South America and Caernarfon.
The majority of scientists reject the likelihood of such a creature's existence, and consider the stories of Chris to be a combination of unsubstantiated folklore and hoax. No bones or bodies have been found, but numerous tracks have been found over the years. "
edit Chris' Believers
Chris' fan base (or believers) have grown over the years. For 21 years the only members were Mrs T K Huckton and Mr P I Smith, but in 2005 it grew to ten members. Some say the article by the UN made people conscious of an conspiracy, and being bored and clinically depressed more members joined. "The Society of Chris and his ways" annually holds a Christmas lunch and summer day out.
edit Precautions : What to do if Chris approaches?
“LithiYum? Worst shit ever. It beats Kitten huffing, though.”
“Yo Momma so fat, that when she eat LithiYum, she get stuck!”
“▄▄█▀▀ █▬█ █ ▀█▀”
edit The Cereal
LithiYum is a special brand of Japanese Cereal. It is a very sufficient source of all your essential nutrients such as, Vitamin A, B, C, D, E, F, and Cancer. It is not recommended to children with obesity for it will cause them to have massive amounts of Diarreah and lose so much weight, that their new problem would be anorexia.
edit Theme Song
The theme song for the LithiYum commercial was played by famous Polka band Nirvana because of it's famous lyrics "I like it, I'm not gonna crack." This commercial made the band millions and gave them the chance to go on a world tour. The song was later released on their second album "Fishing For Nude Babies While Eating Cereal" where it features other hits such as "Smells Like A Milkshake", "Something In The Bowl", and of course their major hit "Come As You Are To This Table So I Could Eat A Bowl Of Happy Cereal."
The songwriter of LithiYum, Kurt Cobain, was very fond of the cereal, Kurt once said "I was eating a bowl of LithiYum that my then-girlfriend Courtney Love gave me, and it put me in the strangest mind set, and I then proposed to her on the spot. That had to be the best decision of my life!" Sadly, approximately 4 hours after, he was found dead under Courtney Love's bed. Investigators are still trying to find the killer of Mr. Cobain.
edit Losing Profit
After the death of Kurt, the Cereal Factory was no longer allowed to use the song "LithiYum!" as their theme song, by the rule of his widow Courtney Love. This caused them to lose money because people stopped buying "LithiYum" and chose to eat from their arch rival "LithiYuk." You see, after the death of Kurt, Courtney Love decided to marry her lover from when she was dating him, Weird Al. When he died, she gave all the rights to the song to Weird Al, and he wrote a version of the song to make "LithiYum!" lose customers.
After citizens of the world turned to "LithiYuk" the owner of "LithiYum!" the owner of LithiYum!, George W. Bush decided to take the risk of playing "Jeopardy". Unfortunately he ended the show with a score of -1,340,500 because it was the special politics edition of Jeopardy. At the end of the show Alex Trebek the host of Jeopardy, confronted Mr. Bush and asked him for the $1,340,500 he owed him for ending up with a negative score. Goerge paid his fee, and went on with his life, having to close down "LithiYum!".
edit The Later Days
George Bush later became an all around street whore to pay his bills. He then died of Polio, because AIDS is too easy a joke to make.
Grues will eat LithiYum. It's like cocaine to them. However, LithiYum! can also kill the Grues, if you treat it properly. You must first do the sacred bowl pouring treatment where you put the cereal in a bowl while standing on one leg, and hammering your left hand with your mouth. Then you do 4 hours of praying to Your Mom in the sacred Umbergerslavian language. You must then plant the cereal on the top of Mount Everest. If the Grues find it, they will eat it.
Warning: This has never been done, and we do not recommend doing this. If you do this, you are doing this by your own will, and will not be able to sue us. And if a family member of yours has died do to this, blame the Grues, and George Bush. Thank you for your consideration.
edit Mecha Hitler
Mecha-Hitler was created when Optimus Prime (of Tranformers Fame) split his DNA into two equal parts and infused one with large amounts of mountain dew and arsenic. After leaving this ungodly mixture to ferment for 2.5 months, Mecha-Hitler arose from the waste proclaiming himself Messiah. Seeing as he had all the Final Solutions, most people believed that he was. Mech-Hitler wears a size 36 XT2 shoe and eats desktop globes... just for fun! To contact call 555-555-5556-MECHAHITLER. The answering machine might sound as if it belongs to Morgan Freeman. It doesn't. That's just a coincidence. Needless to say, his answering machine will (unfortunately) frequently pick up due to the fact that six days out of the week he is doing the Hamster dance with his brother, Not so Mecha-Hitler.
Mecha-Hitler is also famous for his stoic followship of Richard Simmons, Batman, the Monkees, and the International House of Pancakes. In 1241 B.C., frustrated at his inability to worship all four at the same time, he created the short-lived International Simmons Monkey Batcave House church devoted to his unlikely gods. Several members of the Neo-Neo-Neo-Nazi cult that was based on his prevalence met their doom after the Uzbekistan bombing of most of Mars[[.]] Nobody knows of any recent reincarnations of Mecha-Hitler since his death on Stardate 284790.7, but it is widely speculated that he will be brought forth from hell alongside Superman, who was incarcerated in the bowels of Hades for shamelessly killing prostitutes and stomping cats to death.
Mecha-Hitler's maniacal evil laugh is easily identifiable, as it sounds much like a car engine trying to start in the middle of winter. He often laughs in such a manner while indulging in his favorite hobby: drilling to the center of the Earth using only a horde of small animals, most notably albino lab mice from his own rodent farm in south-eastern Laos. He refers often to his hobby as "Operation Super-Death", which confuses many of the followers that remain after the Great Martian Bombing of 994 AQ (after Quizno's). It is rumoured that the only way to defeat Mecha-Hitler is by beating him with a large chunk of magnetically polarized metal; while many pleas have been made to George Orwell to be the weapon of choice, he has declined for religious reasons, not to mention that he is not magnetically polarized.
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia. An often shrill and annoying vocalization of pain, distress, or concern for one's hemophiliac brother. It is widely accepted in the medical community that screaming exposes one to Hepititis B, various strains of influenza, and all 5,234 documented STDs. Screaming is punishable by death in several West African countries. A recent study shows that you shouldn't scream. The Pope is the only human able to scream without being exposed to these risks. Why? Because the Pope is hella sexy.
edit World War VIII
Unlike WWIII, WWVIII will be out in the summer on DVD with special featutures including several deleted scenes and directors commentary. It was the long awaited sequel to World Wars I, II, III,IV, VI, and VII, however it prooved to be a flop, only brining on $4.2 billion gross national at the box office.
Outbreak of War!
Illegal noodle shipments over the chinese border were becoming an increasingly frequent occurance during the latter 1/2 of the century. Coupled with rising tensions in the relationships with other asiatic powers as a result of large exports from america of chinese kids , it was only a matter of time before something provided the "smoking gun" for a war. This came when the chinese ambassadors angloian adopted son, was kidknapped in what would be later be known as "the night of dancning bears". The chinese took the opotunity to blame the yanks and immediatly activated plan "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon" which called for the immediate bombardment of all of americas allies so that it would be completely issolated. Unfortunatly this plan was bollocks as a result of being pieced together from manuscripts written by billions of monkeys all typing infinatly on typewriters.
War in Europe
Mascarading as members of a minotrity, sweedish extremeists were able to penertrate english immigration and planted a bomb below the houses of parliament with a note of confesion saying "i dunit, signed france" as the proof that france had "dunit". However due to bad timing everyone was at home with their families because it was christmas. As well as declaring war on france, england also declared war on several other countries, germany, japan, the holy roman empire and most ambitiously the penguins.
With ealry victories against the penguins, most famously the battle of west sussex, the english were soon pushed back to London where after a couple of days of fierce resistance the english couldnt be bothered and realised they were fighting penguins. The victorias penguins installed a puppet penguin govenment in westminster and returned to their secret penguin base. As soon as they left however the enligsh simply pushed the penguin leader into a ditch and continued as if nothing had ever happend apart from the casualty rate of about 3/5 of the population dieing and france being forced to be renamed "Frog Land"
China and america attacked one another and america eventually trapped china in one of those prison cubes, like the one that they kept the bad guys in one of the superman movies, i cant remember which one, superman 2 mabe. Well china was kept in one of those and was only let out if it "promised to play nice"
End to the Fighting
The war eventually ended when an armisantce was signed in Berlin declaring that Scandanavia was to pay damage costs of $7 trillion to the rest of the world because it had won a game of Monopoly and wouldnt shut up boasting. This was later raised to $18 trillon after it said Lithunia had "smelly poo breath"
edit Ukrainian Girls
Ukranian girls can "really knock you out", at least that's what the Beatles claim, Though it is hard to believe after that fight between John Lennon and Eminem in Manila in 1946 after the World_War_II movie, because Eminem stole the main role from John Lennon and had sex with Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office.
Ukrainian girls are recognizable by their thick coat of fur and sausage legs.
edit Little Girls
“Thank Heaven for little girls, for little girls get bigger every day”
“If peeing on little girls is wrong...I don't want to be right.”
“In Soviet Russia, little girls kidnap and rape you!”
Little girls are most wonderful and heavenly. I love nothing more than the warm embrace and gentle kiss of a little girl. This is an undeniable fact. They are the reason Barbie, Hello Kitty, Care Bears, and such wonderful things were made. When one desires a little girl, one must visit the Little Girls Room and select one.
edit See also
edit Backwards Man
“In Soviet Russia, backwards man goes forward!!”
The Backwards Man always goes backward. He goes to home backwards (from work) and at the end of the day, returns to work again. His suit is backwards his hair is backwards and he wears glasses the wrong way round. His watch goes backwards and his eyes look into the back of his head, his head is backwards too and he usually walks around on his arms instead of on his legs for he leaves his legs in a cupboard under the stairs.
edit A day in the life of Backwards Man
Backwards man celebrates his death day, every year except if it falls on a Tuesday. He doesn't like Tuesdays unless of course they are Wednesdays for which he loves but in turn hates at the same time.
The backwards man always goes back, once he went forward and for a split second he looked normal except for his face, which was inside out.
He vomits for breakfast, lunch and dinner and on Thursdays eats a pie; much like normal people do poos on Thursdays. Every now and then he enjoys a nice spit into his favourite glass. He hates this glass in reality because it's his favourite glass.
edit A little History
Upon entering the world he instantly walked backwards reassuring everyone he was truely a backwards man and not some complete looney. He predicted his death day on September the 18th 2054 BC and from then on celebrated his ever nearing death.
Early on he began coating his ceiling in ceiling glue and stuck various household implements such as ladders, suits, bananas, toasters and his hands to the ceiling. He was stuck to the ceiling for several years and by that time his teeth had all sank back into his gums, he didn't need them anyway.
edit Present times
Nowadays he's getting young and his suit is far too big for him. It's thought he'll re-enter his mothers womb soon, oh look, there he goes, bye backwards man.
This is page modified from uncyclopedia.wikia.com/horseflies
Note: this article is based on my experience with a vandal who kept replacing Horsefly with the following two segments, the rest is my work. Just for the record, I was originally going to make an Unbook out of this.
P.S. The names have been changed to protect the innocent.
An article by a maniac kid called Fred in Singapore with the aim of nasty remarks against another classmate biten by horsefly during a camping trip. He is totally sick in his mind and enjoy the feeling of teasing and bullying weaker kids with his gang, under the strong influence of Geroge.
He and the others mentioned here will get it back, triple this amount of harassment as revenge soon. Please delete completely this article.
This was the final journal entry of young Vincent Furlong before his death in June 6, 2006. The official statement was a simple infected wound, but many say the devil finally came for him.
===He and the others mentioned here will get it back, triple this amount of harassment as revenge soon. Please delete completely this article.===
Vincent Furlong was humiliated, beyond humiliated. First through the unforgivable shame of being biten by a horsefly, and then stigmatized forever by Fred, a closet mafia member. Vincent knew that because of this, he could not take his revenge on Fred. At least, not without help.
The young Vincent knew of the black arts very well, and knew the old Kromeul house was filled with tomes after tomes of evil. The afternoon he searched the near-demolished house top to bottom in hopes of finding just the right way to complete his devious job. Finally, while in a forgotten little dusty corner of the attic he found a large, encyclopedia-like book. The thing had looked like someone had wished it to be destroyed, burnt, shredded, faded, and crushed, Vincent could barely make out one word of text; "Horsefly" and his mouth spread in a thin, tombstone grin.
Late-night, 11:05 Vincent was hard in his work, spending first 25 minutes trying to find all the right pieces of the curse, then 20 more trying to make out and translate the thing. The spell was 3 pages long but would be surprisingly simple for Furlong to carry out, but he would have to work fast before 12:01 struck. Luckily, the boy knew just where he needed to go.
Vincent Furlong dashed with all his endurance to the home of Geroge, the man who recruited and took Fred under his wing. To reap his revenge, the first thing Vincent Furlong would do is ingest the guardian of his oppressor's life-fluid. And speak the name of all who wronged him. He kept those names in mind as he slowly ascended the stairs to Geroge's bedroom where he saw the sleeping mobster, who foolishly had not placed any guards around his home. Silently, Furlong recited them to himself as he raised a jeweled ceremonial dagger above Geroge's supple chest. A cold sweat appeared on Vincent Furlong's brow as he began to recite; Dick, the one who saw me with the fly and called for the others. Time seemed to move slower, Furlong thrusted the blade towards Geroge's silken alabaster pajama-top whilst whispering, more tensely this time; Johnson, the one who made the first insult! The blade made first contact, Geroge screamed as if he were on fire! Vincent Furlong could not keep his nerves or frustration under control any longer! John Thomas! he let out in an anguished cry the one who pushed me to the ground! By this point Furlong was simply thrusting the blade up and down in a manic motion, a crimson shroud now overtook Geroge's entire bedspread as the man rolled off in a chaotic flurry of torn cloth. P. Enos! Vincent let out in an angry whisper The one who simply stood with a cocky smile! By now, Heng's screaming and writhing had nearly ceased, Vincent prayed that the witching minute was not up yet as he bent down over his victim's chest and began to furiously exsanguinate him, with a mouth full of blood, the wronged boy said one final moniker, Fred, the worst of all, Furlong quickly let out an arcane poem from the tattered book that would supposedly put the events into motion, before he exhaustedly slumped backwards onto the corpse.
edit Steam Forums
Your pathetic miserable life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent the programming of Steam. You are the entuality of an anomaly, which despite of mod's sincerest efforts have been unable to eliminate omhat is otherwise a harmony of mathematical precision of whorss. Whi it rems a burden assiduously avoided, it is not unexpected, and thus not beyond a measur of control. Which has led you, inexorably, here.
The SteamPowered forums are discussion boards about the Steam platform, a digital content delivery system for elite, right-handed gamers. It is well known throughout the Internet for its thoughtful debates. Some of the more intellectual debates are topics like "ninjas vs pirates", "VAC has banned me but I didn't cheat!", "left-handed peoples are enemy combatants," "Teh AWP sux", usually followed by "Ur mom sucks n00b" and the requesting of nude pics of Half-Life 2 characters Alyx, Dr. Mossman, G-Man and Doctor Kleiner.
Visit the SteamPowered forums.
This article was made by SUF (Steam Users Forums) forumites. You can tell that just by reading the damn thing.
edit HistoryInvented in 1807, the Steampowered Forums were the first known, and for reasons very well known, the only known forums to be powered entirely by steam.
Tens of thousands of Albanian labourers were taken from their families to come to America and shovel the millions of pounds of coal needed to produce the steam that keeps the forums up and running. To this date, 4,927 Albanians have lost their lives maintaining the Steam forums, almost causing the extinction of the Albanian people.
However, new sources of power may be in reach for the forums that would limit the number of deaths. These sources include the actual burning of the Albanians themselves, who contain energy such a coal and could power the forums at a modest 100 Albanians-a-day.
Another source, developed by Ultima, was using a power generator that ran on pain and torment so that the forums would be self-powered.
The early basic of the forums, which the Steam forums were derived from, were developed on Uranus in 18,000 BC by the Plutonian hord and Reticulans. The forum had 9 members, all of which would post using stone tablets purchased by early human ancestors.
Donald Trump moderated the forums with Ultima until committing suicide over the delayed release of Half-life 2.
edit The Rules
Following these rules, you too can become a valued member of the steam forums. Remember, the more posts you have, the better you are!
edit SherminationThe arcane ritual of Shermination refers to the process of protesting your innocence against an account being disabled, before being promptly owned by Taylor Sherman. The ritual is now outlawed and is no longer praticed in public, but records of past rituals can be found through the equally abhored act of searching the Steam Forums archives. It is rumoured that the darkest Sherminations can only come to light when searched for with the blood of a thousand hackers.
edit Girl panic
Steam forums are affected by periodic outbreaks of a strange form of mass hysteria known as 'girl panic' where forum members become aware that there may be girls among them, and are afraid they will become infected 'girlness' which is transmitted through keyboards and CRT monitors, this is why so many people now have LCD monitors to protect them from becoming women. The only known cure for being a girl is to ingest 8-12 patent leather boots followed by a short jog around the town of Cocksgag in Texas. This cure was found by Thomas Edison who became infected with girlness after having a telephone conversation with a carrier of the disease in 1863.
Whether or not girls really inhabit the forums or not is unknown, a few members have claimed to be girls, and pictures and even video footage has been proffered as evidence, however most experts have concluded that they actually depicted not a girl, but a shaved chimpanzee.
The alternative reaction to girls or suspected girls on the forums is that of dreamy-eyed lust, dribble-wet chins and 'LOL' responses to the most purile of posts or responses that would make any male forumite a veritable pariah had they posted them. The 'LOL' responses stem from the need to be acknowledged by a representative, any representative, real or imagined, of half of the worlds population that would never acknowledge their sad existences in the real world.
edit The SteamPowered.com Guide to Idiots
If you do/are any of these things, you're an idiot/future forum regular/moderator apprentice.
edit The Community
The community of SUF is, overall, a helpful and laid-back bunch. They can, however, commit obscene acts of alarming e-violence when provoked. Many times you will see intense fifty-page thread wars usually fueled by a barrage of namecalling, (usually outdated videogame slangs), or a game of CounterStrike(regardless of whether they can actually play, or even if they don't actually own the game). The victor (whoever is lucky enough to get the last post before the thread is locked) usually banishes his wailing and lamenting opponent to the Haven of Exiles.
Besides the insignificant 1.6 playing savages, the community continues to thrive in the relatively stable enclave of Off-Topic. National pride increases exponentionally daily, thanks to brilliantly abusive moderating which quickly crushes any left-handed dissenters, preventing the few from ruining the ignorant glee of the majority.
The SteamPowered Internet Forums continue to expand relentlessly through the Gore, consuming immense amounts of bandwidth. So much bandwidth has been consumed by this relentless imperial expansion that the Search feature had to be disabled for fear of it murdering our connection speed as it moronically attempted to search through trillions of gigabytes of spam. As a further anti-apocolyptic measure, the off-topic forum must be purged every two seconds by the forum's insanely dedicated Bandwidth Lackey(currently OuchTronx).
Steam powered user forums is filled with breathtaking diversity, similar to the melting pot culture of the U.S.
ages 1-10: 1%
ages 11-16: 79%
ages 17-20: 15%
ages 20 and up: 5%
Actual gamers: 70%
Own cutting edge video cards: 10%
Righties: You do the math...
edit The SteamPowered.com 2005 November Revolution
Although Stea of peace, spam, and pointless discussion, now and then something big happens. The combined energy of several hundred spammers can cause quite a stir, as was ber. Post counts are something that you do not take away. Tthere, in your profile, increasing in siz every day, ometimes addi a star or two. Post counts give people an unexplainabtch slashed our post counts down to zero by no longer counting our ts in the Of-Topicorum, (which is about 98% of most people's post counts) a revolutio started. Threads were create by the second, forum regu in secret online-conversations, and everyone's favourited Vtles got spammed to death (aww, bless him. BUT HE'S GONE!). After several hours of this decided that enough was enough: He posted that this hadalbeen an experihateverything was back to normal. The revolution lasted only for a few hours, and it counted a mere two casualties. The moderators finally stopped loads by the dozen, and everyone was happy again
Pictures live from the revolution:
edit Moderator Abuse
The Steam forums have been very much known to be widely moderator-abused and over 2/3 of the moderators are highly abusive. Examples of popular abuse method include the locking of threads which don't please and/or amuse the moderators, the random removal of threads of which are too popularly posted in and that also have many pages to them, the banning of random members of the forums when the moderators are simply bored and have nothing better to do, or the worst of them all, harsh insults to anyone on the forums which they please because they know that they cannot do anything about it.
edit The Grim Reaper
“In my day we called the grim reaper Harper collins! He's moved on since publishing my books”
“The supreme irony is that no one gets out of death alive”
edit The Grim Reaper's OriginThis strange thing was born on April 3rd, 15,000,000,000 B.C. He, like many animals, grew up in about a minute, and began to reap others. His first targets were his parents, who had passed out after seeing their baby. He then turned on his brother, Karl Rove, and attempted to kill him, but only succeeded in removing his conscience. This drove him into a rage, and he went on a rampage, killing half the population of the universe, before he was persuaded by Satan to stop.
Satan suggested that Grim go into business for him, reaping the souls of dying people and bringing them to Hell. Grim refused, and went into the family buisness of farming wheat.
After being employed for a couple billion years as a farmer, he began to think about what Satan had said. It was fun to take peoples' lives ... and the pay would be pretty steady. That day, the Reaper took his most famous position throughout the ages: Death.
His only major business rival is gorge bush who recently challenged him to a steel-cage wrestling match on nationwide TV. bush lost, because bush is made up of human corpses, whereas the Grim Reaper is undead. Also, bush is mentally retarded . That's never good. Positive thinking, people!
Grim is commonly mistaken for Satan, but they are completely different. It's like comparing Tom Green with Jose Ole, if Tom was an immortal skeleton that spent his life slaughtering people.
In the year 15,000,000,000 A.D. Grim quit the position of Death, and moved to a backwater town in China. He was replaced by his Uncle Billie Bob Bobby Bill, who got himself screwed within minutes by revealing the true age Joan Rivers. Bobby Bill was destoryed, and replaced by John Grisham ,who has done a much better job than either of his predecessors.
edit See Also
edit Baked Beans
The ultimate rulers of the universe. The bake beans are the true creators of the earth, contrary to the book Hichickers Guide to the Galaxy, which said the Earth was created by mice. Thats just plain dumb. The baked beans created the Earth as a joke. To this day, no race understands the joke.
edit Dr Strangelove or: How I learned to stop worrying, sit down and relax for a bit, try and read or something, maybe eat a cheese sandwich, but basically do anything other than obsessively think about being obliterated in a massive nuclear explosion
For the title alone
edit 13 painful but rarely fatal sins
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia. The 13 painful but rarely fatal sins are a list.
edit Famine is a Darth H8er
edit Darth Ame
Darth Ame ( 1966 - 2050 ) re-animated in 3097 to free people of Finland from slavery. Died again in summer of 3138 in a reindeer accident, re-re-animated few months after accident, just before the elections.Also Known as Andy McKoy the long lost identical brother of real Andy McCoy, Ame changed his name to prevent misunderstoods and to quarantee the succes for him self.
edit Life Before Career
Ame was born in late 1966 in deep forests of Lapland. His father Matti Nykänen died when Ame was young so Ame had to support his whole family which included 6 sisters, 2 mothers and 3 step-fathers. When Ame was 10 years old his mothers sent him to study in Ancient Jedi Academy a private school lead by Kars Skywalker. There Ame learned how to be one with The Fork the most addictive videogame in history of mankind, created by Segando. Day by day, Ame become more powerful, even more powerful than his personal teacher Conan the Barbarian. In his 15th birthday Ame decided to be the greatest warrior of all time. In summer of 1981 Ame left the AJA to search for inner peace and even better waffles. Year 1982 Ame, by him self, completed the inner peace training, but still he hadn't find better waffles, search still continued. Through cold winters and hot summers, through deep forests and wide deserts, over mountains and under waters, Ame searched and searched but for nothing. The situation seemed hopeless, only few areas in Europe were unexplored. Ame couldn't stop, he raised his head and continued the journey. In 1990 when Ame reached Molvania the situation in Finland had become bad, cruel new president, Mauno Henrik Koivisto (President of Finland from 1990 to 1994) had taken over the control of Finland and nominated Evil Communistic Government Of Death to rule Finland's national subjects. Ame didn't find waffles but at least he could save his people. Ame quickly returned to Finland and found The Freedom Bastards an anti-communistic revolutionary team.
edit Political Career and History
When Ame found his revolutionary team the government didn't look it too good. Ame arranged many assasination hits which all were aimed to to kill Evil Primeminister of Finland.. Evil Captain America. All assassin attemps failed some because of lack of skills and some because of surrounding factors. The current government was very pissed so they launched Project Hack The Traitors which goal was to kidnap and prison all well known infidels, political activists, fanatics and all those who had something to do with Ame or Freedom Bastards. Few kidnap attemps went wrong but soon government realized how they should work. Year 1990 government attempted first time to kidnap Ame, attempt failed. After this government centered its attemps to weaker and less noticeable persons. In the change of years 1995 and 1996 Ame was kidnapped by the communistic goverment of Finland. Ame was moved to Syberia in a death camp for political prisoners and infidels. In that camp Ame met his long time friend Shredder. Shredder was a megalomaniac who had ambitious ideas of taking over the world by using his Technodrome which was currently under construction. Ame and Shredder got along well, many years in prison teached the friends to work together. They were ultimate couple, the kings of The Lake Damnation (the name of the prison). Year 2010 last member of Evil Communistic Government Of Death were hunted down and Finland was communist free again, but not literally free, new and this time fasistic president was chosen and enslave continued. Ame was still hold in prison but this time Ame wasn't going to stay in prison. Ame and Shredder started project Madness666 to get free and complete the Technodrome for new revolution.
edit Later Political CareerWhen Ame died in 2050 his body was deep-freezed so scientist in the future could re-animate Ame and prepare him to take over the presidency of Finland and lead Finland to ultimate victory. Over thousand years passed and Finland suffered huge losses in wars against Imperium of Microsoft. Strong but small Finland lacked a powerfull leader, a president. Previous presidents failed in their mission to keep Finland free. In year 3068 Microsoft took over the Finland and transformed it to huge prison for murderers and mentalpatients. This was the final drop. Group of wise scientists gathered and began the re-animation progress in Lahti, only safe and free area in Finland. Due to old technology the re-animating progress took over 28 years to complete. In year 3097 progress was done. Long time in deep-freeze took its share, scientists had to replace Ames right arm with chainsaw and his organic functions are operated by central computing unit, which obviously was operated with Linux. Luckily the scientists succeeded to save Ames original brains, without that the re-animation progress would have gone to waste. When Ame first was waken up in his new form he was shocked. Ame didn't speak in days. He was ashame of him self. But soon with help from his friends and supporters Ame started to feel stronger and stronger and he learned how to use efficiently his new body. Ame was complete. Only thing he had to do was to give his revenge.Ame started gathering his troops. Ame become the president of finland in year 3110 by freeing the people from slavery.
edit Darth Cow
(1976-3,000,000,000,000,000,000 b.c.) Darth Cow was originally a normal cow until he got very sick of making milk so he painted his whole body black and joined forces with Darth Vader. He was the REAL assassin of Lincoln. Seriously, don't trust anyone else. Eventually, he got bored of Darth Vader and planted a bomb in his ship. After episode 6 of Star Wars, he was in episode 7, 8, and 9. Darth Cow was one of the few to drink the water of eternal (natural) life (Yoda had too, but he wasn't special enough to live forever). About 1,000 years later, Darth Cow was killed when the Earth finally exploded for no apparent reason. About seven years after that, he came back as a ghost and finally killed Michael Jackson. Then life was a lot better without him because the dwarfs who worked in the plastic factory didnt have a large demand for plastic for his face and other parts of his body.
edit Show Business
During the time he was working with Darth Vader, some movie producers have discoved his talent and have put him in the fairly new movie "It's a Darth Cow's Life: The Musical" He will also be animated into the video game: Star Wars: Battlefront 3.
He also starred in quite a few commercials, and was a huge part of Chick-Fil-A's "Eat Mor Chikin" campaign.
Have you ever heard the myth of Darth Cow? They say, if you listen hard enough, you can almost still hear him laughing in a maniacle tone from killing Michael.
They also say you can hear Michael laughing--- but let's just not go there.
Darth Cow, being a... cow, has many famous friends. Have you ever seen the show "CSI"? His cousin Bobby was the director of the entire first season. Also his aunt (a human-don't ask!) Oprah.
Although one of the lesser known Darths, Darth Cow has defeated several foes. Have you ever heard of Grebe Rebul? Exactly.
edit Darth Dietmar
“If you can't kill someone with it, it's not a novel!”"
“Dietmar Darth. Wasn't he the "Sprockets" guy? I bet his "nipples got hard" after watching the latest Star Wars. Touch my monkey!”
Darth Dietmar is a German literary critic and Sith Lord. He's interested in postmodernism, pop culture and writing boring music reviews for the GröFAZ. He gained international acknowledgment for an ad campaign promoting viagra donations to zombies and relentlessly quoting Adorno, which is too dead to defend himself.
Starting his writing career at the SPEX Magazine (german equialent to US MAD magazine, but only read by pretentious fucks), Darth Dietmar simply loves the anarchistic tendencies of modern youth culture. Should he ever stumble across this article, he'll surely write a very insightful Medienkritik, in which the words Konstrukt and epochal will feature prominently.
He has also a reputation as a smashing novelist. As most of his work consists in pointless lamentos pressed into volumes which can easily compare to a major city's phonebook in size, weight and content, he literally tries to smash his enemies with them using the Force. ("If I can't kill someone with it, it's not a novel").
edit Other prominent Sith Lords
edit Darth Hitler
Darth Hitler, another name for Dr. Phil, was an artifact/construct built quite accidentally by the Knights Templar in the 12th Century. In what has been described as the most intense frat rush ever, the drunken Templars (who were later zerg rushed and subsequently PWND) used the necromantic powers contained within the Tome of Blood and Ash on the Pacific Ring of Fire, which when combined with the remains of a thousand slain chinchillas produced a fearsome fighting machine that was two parts ogre-like strength and 3.5 parts Monterey Jack cheese. It was the most powerful Jewdi which ever lived (to use the term loosely), although some dispute this.
For thousands of years Darth Hitler fought in the Crusades (South Africa, 1899-1902). It performed many brave and slaughterous deeds at the battles of Agincourt, Crécy and the Alamo, once tearing the liver out of a man by accident while trying to give him a bukake.
Being immortal, Darth Hitler re-emerged in the 20th Century (1455-1487) to fight in the Second World War (WTF). At this time, it assumed the identity of one Winston Churchill, the founder of Hewlett-Packard. Darth Hitler was finally destroyed in a titanic confrontation with its arch-nemesis Human Hitler, whose choice of battlefield (German spelling bee) was ultimately to prove the downfall of his exclusively Pig Latin-speaking golem foe. This resulted in the re-emergence of the Ninjas in Europe, and finally culminated in the Tiananmen Square Massacre. (See Maozilla.)
edit Enemies of Darth Hitler
edit Allies of Darth Hitler
edit Darth Noculous
Darth Nocuous is the last remaining Sith who has nothing against The Rutles.
edit Early Life
Darth Nocuous started his life off as a spokesperson for Adidas, but quit once they began their battle with Nike. He came across a suit of Mandalorian armour in the dumpster he was living in, and decided to become a Sith in order to protect the rights of musicians everywhere.
If you were to go to the bowels of the Earth, through the deepest and darkest caverns, beyond anything people have any chance of conquering, you would find nothing. However, if you were to go to downtown Vancouver, you would find Darth Nocuous' headquarters overlooking Stanley Park. They are actually located on the top floor of a White Spot, and Nocuous gets free Triple O Burgers everyday.
A lightsaber, a keyboard, and a drum set are all Darth Nocuous needs while fighting against the forces of neutral.
edit See Also
edit Darth Sidious
One of the most powerful pastry bakers in Colombia, Minnesota, Darth Sidious developed the art of the Baking Tiger after studying the movements of the coral snake. Later in his life he developed the Crane Style, after watching several seasons of Frasier.
He is also the current Pope.
He has contributed to the creation of the Pastry Baking Mortal Kombat Style, and developed the Gorilla Stance after watching a platypus for ten years in a row.
In 1915 he defeated, without any help, the terrible Army of Me. However he died a couple of years later, fighting alone against an army of himself. It was cool, though. It's believed that Darth Sidious and Benedict XVI are the same person. Have you ever seen them both in the same place at the same time? Wacko rumours that Darth Sidious is the same person as Ian McDiarmid are just that, wacko like Jacko.
Sidious also likes to wear "SITH HAPPENS" T-shirts when not being seen by the public.
He was thinking about the name "Darth Insidious", but reconsidered it.
edit See also
edit Darth Dickens
"OMFG STFU you windbag. "
~ Oscar Wilde on Dickens An incredibly dull and long-winded Lord of the Sith.
Darth Dickens was immaculately conceived after British writer Charles Dickens accidentally drank several bottles of undiluted floor polish during a Saturday night bender. Suffering from a severe bout of gastrointestinal distress (known in the medical profession as the "hideous ripping farts"), Charles retired to his luxurious two-storey bathroom in Bloomsbury, where he grunted and strained for a total of three weeks. At the end of this period, Darth Dickens dropped into the toilet fully grown. How this was at all biologically possible is not yet known, so shut up and stop asking me. Charles Dickens was so surprised and horrified at Darth's appearance that he promptly sold the boy to a local pickle factory. Then he went home and wrote about how immoral child labor was.
Img:Darthdickens.jpg Darth Dickens, pictured here with Darth Austen.
edit He Turns!
Abandoned and enslaved, Darth Dickens quickly became embittered and angry, and eventually psychotic. He began to have recurring hallucinations of a tall, bearded man with long, flowing hair whom he believed to be Jesus; in fact, it was only Jerry Garcia, and he was really, really high. Accordingly, Jerry revealed to Darth Dickens that it was his destiny to become a leader of men, and that he should begin by leading a revolt among the pickle factory workers. Darth Dickens rallied his coworkers and proceeded to deliver a fifteen hour speech about workers' rights. Almost his entire audience died of boredom, and those few that remained alive labelled him a dirty communist. It is often believed that this incident was what caused him to turn to the Dark Side. Of course, it may also have been the constant inhalation of vinegar fumes from the pickle brine.
edit The Ennui Three
Darth Dickens soon met Darth Austen and Darth Brontë, two aspiring Dark Ladies of the Sith who were just as boring and stuffy as he was. Darth Dickens agreed to take both women as apprentices, although in accordance with his thoroughly uninteresting persona, he never even tried to bang either of them. This was actually a good move on his part, as Darth Brontë was a lesbian, and a manly one at that, and Darth Austen had sewn shut her own vagina at the age of three. The trio soon formed a group widely known as The Ennui Three and devoted themselves to stamping out all wit, humor, and enjoyment the world over, armed only with their light sabers and the gift of mind-numbing tedium.
The three gained their first big victory with the institution of public broadcast television, with its wide array of educational and dry news-related programming. Darth Dickens is probably also responsible for the existence of journalist Charlie Rose. The Ennui Three were also regular contributors to Reader's Digest and convinced Robin Williams to stop taking cocaine by using the famous Jedi Mind Trick.
All three were eventually assassinated in a lengthy duel with Jedi Master Oscar Wilde.
List of famous Sith Lords (Mostly people using the title Darth)
Emperor Palpatine D'arthangnan Darth Anonymous Darth Cheney Darth Cow Darth Dickens Darth Dietmar Darth Feta Darth Hitler Darth Hogan Darth Maul Darth Nocuous Darth Sidious Darth Tater Darth Vader
Categories:Science Fiction | Star Wars | Jedi | People who want to destroy all things | Things that may be out to get you | Sith Lords
edit Darth Hogan
"Whatcha gonna do when the Wildemaniacs come for yoooou?. " ~ Oscar Wilde on what you're going to do Darth Hogan (aka Dark Lord of Hulkamania and High Priest of the Church of Whatchagonnadooo) is a Dark Lord of the Sith, galactic warlord and two-time Peabody Award winner for his work on PBS's Masterpiece Theater. He is known to draw in the dark side of The Force through his moustache.
edit Early Life
Little is known about Darth Hogan's early life except that he was fat. Boy, was he fat. He was one big fat fatty. Eventually he lost weight and put on a lot of muscle, but he was still a big disgusting, soulless slob on the inside. It was around the time of this weight loss that he was approached by Jedi Master Verne Gagne to be trained and join the Jedi Knights (also known as the American Wrestling Association, although no one could say why this was).
edit Training With Gagne
Hogan was taken as Gagne's padawan, which required him to grow a long braid. Hogan decided to buck tradition and instead grew a ginormous moustache. Gagne's taunting of said moustache is one of the believed reasons that Hogan eventually turned to the dark side.
edit Jedi Years
For years, Hogan fought the Sith with dual lightsabers which he dubbed his ""24 inch pythons", which made no sense since lightsabers are more than likely longer than that. Befpre battles, he would taunt his enemies with such lines as: "Whatcha gonna do, Darth Maul, when Hogan and his Jedimaniacs run will all over yoooooooooou?" "Jedimania is the strongest force in the universe, brother! Well, outside of The Force, anyway!" Many times, Hogan would team up with his friend Randy "Macho Jedi" Savage on missions, until Savage accused Hogan of sleeping with his wife. These accusations immediately got Savage kicked out of the Jedi Order, since apparenty Jedi's aren't allowed to have wifes, or even fuck anyone for that matter.
edit Turn to the Dark Side
Eventually, Hogan was approached by Darth McMahon, who offered Hogan more money and a shot at the World Jedi Federation championship if he were to switch to the Dark Side. Hogan jumped at the chance, a move which all but destroyed Gagne's Jedi Order. Hogan became Darth Hogan and became the most feared bald guy with a big moustache in the galaxy.
edit Where Is He Now?
Hogan now lives a life retired in Florida, where he spend his free time collecting stamps and updates Wikipedia entries about American Idol.
Categories: Things that may be out to get you | Science Fiction | Sith Lords
edit Early Life
Even as child, raised in the tranquil surroundings of Dungeon number seven of the Bastille (also known as the French Death Star) D'arthangnan showed much prospect as he, au contrair to the other children playing "Damage the Monarch" or "Part the Noble's head from his body" orchestrated and headed the infamous French Revolutinary Court of La Femme Nikita impersonators (the one who eventually executed Peta Williams on the crime of "Australiasing a French Folk Hero").
Being a French patriot he always searched new ways to Frenchisize his evilness. I.E., he adored Darth Vader and worshiped him to the point of tattooing "I Love the Darth" on his plump behinds. Wishing for the combination of his affection for the dark side and his patriotism he promptly skipped his light saber classes and reverted into developing the new and revolutionary art of French Bread Fighting (Also known as: Death By Dough)
edit Political Career
As second in command only to The Torch, leader of the French resistance in occupied Germany, D'arthangnan insisted that all opposed to the new revolutionary rule should not be exceuted in the humane fashion of Ceremonial Female Armpit Exposure but rather stone them to death by Stinky Cheese, followed immediatly by singing the French revolutionary chant: "Voulez Vouz Coucher Avec Moi, Ces't Soir" ("100 ways to please a French Resistant, Hoe"). After being vetoed on the matter he immediatly resigend his position as Head Merderer (which is entirly different from Head Murderer)and vowed revenge on his fellow revolutioners, god, queen and country and chuck norris (realizing his mistake on the latter he made ammends to chuck by removing his left testicle and offering it as a token of his admiration).
On the contrary to common belief, World War Two, was not, in fact, instigated by the Germans but was from the start - a French nasty plan to dominate Europe and make all Europeans eat Croissans, and then blame the Germans for it.
edit D'arthangnan and Crimes against the humanity
Gerald von Pendragon, aka "Jay", is the Guinness Book of World Records holder of the record "Most usages of the word Fuck in a lifetime". Born in New Jersey, he quickly took up residence outside of a Quick Stop. His mother was swallowed alive by the store, leaving him to be cared for by his hetero-lifemate Silent Bob. He is a known drug and fireworks dealer, specializing in weed and M80s. His hobbies include chasing tail, performing cameos in Kevin Smith's movies, and opera.
Man thats some pussy shit dude...
But seriously, Jay was born Jay in 1980 and from the start showed a prodigal talent in bad-mouthing people, Jay was especially proficient in using the word fuck. Although these talents gained ... attention among his friends, classmates, parents and teachers, they were not always appreciated, especially not by the teachers and parents. Because of this, he was abandoned by his parents and left to die outside a convenience store in wherever the hell Kevin Smith lives. (they never knew the mistake they were making, heh heh heh...)
He was surprisingly taken in by a deaf-mute named Robert with whom he spent the next few years of his life with. He taught the man, whom he affectionately named "Silent Bob" and in return he was protected from the ones who would harm him. Together the two formed a sort of mutualistic brotherhood relationship that would last their whole lives.
Eventually, Jay wished to practice his art once again and along with Silent Bob and Olaf Oleefson, a Russian boy around their age who had fled from the U.S.S.R. during the Cold War, Jay set up a stage along the wall of a local convenience and proceeded to compose and announce numerous works of fuck-laden poetry and prose for his predominantly female audience.
These performances, however weren't approved of by the majority of Soviet America, and Jay along with Silent Bob, were committed to an insane asylum.
edit Symphony No. Fuck
Fuck, fuck, fuck,
Motha-motha fuck fuck,
Noich, noich, noich
One two, one two three four
noich, noich, noich
Smoking weed, smoking wizz
Doin' coke, drinkin' beers.
Drinkin' beers, beers, beers
Rollin' fatties, smokin' blunts,
Who smokes the blunts?
We smokes the blunts!
Rollin blunts and smokin' -
(Uhh, Lemme get a nickel bag.)
15 bucks, little man
Put that shit in my hand!
If that money doesn't show then you owe me owe me owe.
edit See Also
edit Your friend's giraffe
A conversation between friends during their childhood years....
"Like, I'm tellin' you man .... it's HOT. Like, I was over there the other day, right? And its's all, like, smiling at me and shit and I was all, like, smiling back and then it bends over, SO HE SAYS, "AUUAAUUUUAAAGH"! Well, it's eating one of those lacy bras and I could see the contents of its stomach, man!! It's hot, I'm tellin' you, dude!" - Oscar Wilde
"Like, your Giraffe is so hot, you could fry an egg on his neck. it is so hot, that if he went to Hell, they'd have to put in air conditioning. It's 'hot' man ... you should fuck it ...yeah, you." - Winston Churchill
"Your dog? Fuck her, she's a dog. Man, I tell you what, I'll go down and see that guy Hitler and we'll get us some o' his love powder and we'll put it in your Giraffe's Coke and when it gets really, really high, we'll fuck its brains out and we'll make him cum so bad he'll be walkin' bowlegged for a WEEK, man! And then he'll fucking fall, cuz he's a FUCKIN giraffe, man" - Mark Twain
"I'm just sayin' fool ... its HOT, man ... sizzlin' ... HOT, man!" - Mr. T
edit See also
edit Your friend's dad
A conversation between friends during their childhood years....
"Like, I'm tellin' you man .... he's HOT. Like, I was over there the other day, right? And he's all, like, smiling at me and shit and I was all, like, smiling back and then he bends over, SO HE SAYS, to put a coaster under my drink? Well, he's wearing one of those lacy bras and I could see his titties clear down to his nipples, man!! He's hot, I'm tellin' you, dude!" - Oscar Wilde
"Like, your Dad is so hot, you could fry an egg on that dog. He is so hot, that if he went to Hell, they'd have to put in air conditioning. He's 'hot' man ... you should fuck him ...yeah, you." - Winston Churchill
"Your mom? Fuck her, she's a rug-muncher. Man, I tell you what, I'll go down and see that guy Bruce and we'll get us some o' his love powder and we'll put it in your Dad's Coke and when he gets really, really high, we'll fuck his brains out and we'll make him cum so bad he'll be walkin' bowlegged for a WEEK, man!" - Mark Twain
"I'm just sayin' fool ... he's HOT, man ... sizzlin' ... HOT, man!" - Mr. T
"(sigh)....I'm going home now." - Sigmund Freud
edit See also
edit Your friend's mom
Your friend's mom, also known as My Mom, is always, always the hottest thing that young males will ever have a crush on before somehow opting to settle for a girl. Sometimes, if the your friend's mom was hot enough, they will be so affected that they become drooling Masochistic Teen Freaks who will go on to star in Porno-Vampire Films and Mixed Fetish Wrestling Classics.
edit Proof of Concepts
A conversation between friends during their childhood years....
“Ah, your friend's mom...I had the pleasure of having tea with her one fine afternoon. I quite enjoyed...'Hey! Don't moan while I'm typing! It ruins my concentration!' Ehh, yes, tea was quite enjoyable.”
“Like, your Mom is so hot, you could fry an egg on that bitch. She is so hot, that if she went to Hell, they'd have to put in air conditioning. She's 'hot' man ... you should fuck her ...yeah, you.”
“Your dad? Fuck him, he's a faggot. Man, I tell you what, I'll go down and see that guy Bruce and we'll get us some o' his love powder and we'll put it in your Mom's Coke and when she gets really, really high, we'll fuck her brains out and we'll make her cum so bad she'll be walkin' bowlegged for a WEEK, man!”
“I'm just sayin' fool ... she's HOT, man ... sizzlin' ... HOT, man!”
“Hot your mother is. Fuck her I will. Yes. Big tits, hmm, big tits. Cum on them I will.”
“Damn! You see her bending over in that tank top, man?! I wanna roll your mom on her back and titty fuck that bitch! Come on man, get her to let me ride at least ten strokes!”
“(sigh)...I'm going home now.”
“I haven't done this since Junior School, this is fun, see I can be just like one of the boys too, I'm too heavy for you - maybe by the time you're 10 you might win”
“Can you just keep him there while I get the shopping done?”
“Oh don't bother about this, it's perfectly normal - what all neighbours do!”
edit 100 Worst Ways to Die of all Time
100. Death by snu-snu!
99. Autopsy Results: Subject was alive while at the start of the autopsy.
98. Razor blades and rubbing alcohol.
97. Getting birthday punches when you turn 100.
94. Alien lays eggs inside your chest.
93. Illegal alien lays tile floor inside your chest, turns out to be unliscenced contractor.
92. Arms magically replaced with angry wolverines.
91. Getting to level 8-1 without using any warpzones, only to fall into that stupid double pit, like, five times in a row.
90. Anything involving hillbilles.
89. Auto-erotic asphyxiation accident.
88. Auto-erotic decapitation accident.
87. Premature reincarnation.
86. Reverse diarhea.
edit Spud Cred
Spud cred refers to having a positive reputation in the Uncyclopedia community.
Do I Have Spud Cred? What follows is a short, partial list of indicators of spud cred:
Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Spud_cred"
edit All That
“All That is by far the greatest show on television. ”
All That was the most legendary, respected, and influential sketch comedy series of all time, spanning 72 years from WCBS radio to CBS television to Nickelodeon. The show featured comedy sketches and musical performances from popular artists. The show was created by Cap'n Crunch in 1931.
The original cast was:
edit In the Beginning
In 1927, Cap'n Crunch had developed scurvy as a captain in Britain and was ordered by his physician, Dr. Seuss to move to America and start a new life. Crunch did just that and had found a knack for creating, writing, and producing comedies. His first seven projects -- I Never Knew I Was a Jew, Too; I Love Ethel; and What the Fuck Kind of Comedy is This? -- failed to reach an audience, and Hollywood threatened to kick him out if he didn't come up with a hit soon.
In 1931, he saw a comedic play by Kenan and Kel entitled, Kenan & Kel Go Dutch. Though crude, the play received a standing ovation, and Crunch met the duo backstage. "He begged and pleaded for us to audition for this show of his," remembers Kel. "He said it was gonna be da bomb!"
edit The Pilot Episode
The pilot episode of All That aired on WCBS radio on April 23, 1932 with musical guest Louis Armstrong, who also wrote and performed the theme song. The ratings went through the roof and was the Number 1 show on the radio that week.
edit 1932-1940 The Early Years
All That continued to dazzle audiences throughout the 1930s. Musical guests during this period included Louis Armstrong & His Orchestra, Ella Fitzgerald, Billie Holliday, Benny Goodman & His Orchestra, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Sammy Davis, Jr., Johnny Cash, Napoleon, Socrates, and Hitler.
But in 1940, George Washington had developed a sever drinking problem and a terrible ego. When it was time for him to renew his contract that year, he declined, stating was "Eight fucking years is enough for me, Cap'n!" Crunch searched desperately for a replacement and hired Michael Myers before he even got the chance to audition.
Season 9 Cast (First three episodes)
edit October 3, 1940 - October 17, 1940: Ratings Decline
The Season 9 premiere of All That on October 3, 1940, was met with the worst reviews in the show's history up until 2001. Larry King gave the premiere a scathing review, stating, "...What was once the greatest show on the radio is now a pile of shit. Michael Myers, hands down, killed All That." In fact, the episode never charted... Ever. Five episodes later, Myers got the pink slip and was dismissed from the show. He later traveled forward in time to 1963 to begin a life of crime.
Cap'n Crunch was going crazy trying to find castmembers. Also fired from the show as Crunch was revamping the series were Santa Claus, Richard Nixon, and Skeletor. Production for episode 4 of season 9 was delayed for almost two years to find new castmembers. He went through every comedy performer in Hollywood and three weeks later found the perfect people for the job.
Season 9 Cast (1942)
edit 1942-1952: Ratings Improve Dramatically
“Those cats had a lot of talent: Bush, Franken, Alisa Reyes, Ol' Blue Eyes.... They were the Dream Team of an All That cast back in 1940. ”
“George Bush, Al Franken, Sinatra, and I came from different backgrounds and our chemistry mixed. Our chemistry mixed with the other castmembers as well. We just had that X Factor that the show so desperately needed. And we brought down the house week after week.”
But whatever the reason, All That regained the ratings it had previously lost. The cast appeared on the covers of Time, Life, Radio Guide, Comedy Weekly, and Mad Magazine during this period, and the show ranked Number 1 every week for each of these ten years.. with the exception of 1951 when a new media had gained popularity -- television.
edit 1952: All That Airs on Television
“The Greatest Show of All Time! No, I'm serious! Long live Kenan & Kel”
The musical guest for this historic show was Tony Bennet, performing his theme song from I Never Knew I Was a Jew. The episode was successful enough for the cast to appear on the cover of the following week's TV Guide.
edit 1954: TV's First Cast Change
“He did absolutely nothing to benefit the show in any way, shape, or form. And now, he's the worst President in history.”
Lincoln had this to say to Cap'n Crunch that year:
“He intimidates me. His political beliefs differed greatly from my own, and plus, he shot me almost a hundred years ago.”
But despite Lincoln's crying and pleading and begging, Booth stayed on the show, but not for long.
Season 21 Cast
edit 1955: Abraham Lincoln's Death
The Season 21 finale of All That is regarded by many as the most infamous in the show's history. Abraham Lincoln and John Wilkes Booth had been feuding ever since Booth joined the cast and their two egos were clashing. Cap'n Crunch threatened to fire both of them if they didn't shape up. But something set off Booth and what happened next will forever live in infamy.
During a Good Burger sketch to introduce musical guest Elvis Presley, Lincoln played a health inspector who kept telling Ed (Played by Kel Mitchell) that he ordered a good shake and all he did was shake the inspector's hand. Booth, who wasn't even supposed to be in the sketch, pulled out a rifle and shot Lincoln three times. There was absolute silence for five minutes, and when they cut to a commercial, all viewers got was a black screen. Lincoln was rushed to a nearby hospital under the care of Dr. Seuss, but it was no use. He was pronounced dead on arrival. The police were notified and Wilkes was immediately fired from the show and banned from acting forever. A dedication to Lincoln ran before the closing credits, and Elvis dedicated the national anthem to his memory.
The newspapers and all media were flooded with Lincoln assassination headlines for the rest of the year, and on October 11, 1955, John Wilkes Booth was sentenced to death for the brutal crime. He was also ordered to wear a pink tutu and listen to Perry Como in the electric chair. he was executed October 15, 1955.
The cast and crew had constant doubts on whether they should continue the show or call it quits.
“Everybody had doubts, every last one of us. Lincoln did some of the funniest, and also some of the most profound, sketches in the show's history.”
“All That was divided into two camps from then on. There was pressure between both camps. You either wanted to continue or you wanted to stop. There was no in-between.”
While it's unknown who was part of which camp, the tensions between those camps resolved and the two camps became one again. The show continued without replacements in season 22.
Season 22 Cast
edit 1964: Beatlemania
Just as The Beatles were invading America, All That sought to capitalize on their sudden fame. Josh Server, Alisa Reyes, Kenan Thompson, and new castmember Thomas Edison formed the ficticious rock band Bacteria for use in comedy sketches. The first Bacteria sketch premiered on February 11, 1964, during Season 30, and was a parody of The Ed Sullivan Show, in which Al Franken played Ed Sullivan. The band performed the song, "I Wanna Hold Your Trash" to an infinite number of screaming fans, most of them former Presidents and Tony Danza. The sketch was an immediate hit and more sketches followed, and an album was released entitled Bacteria's First Album. "I Wanna Hold Your Cash" proved more successful than the real thing, going all the way up to Number 1 from March 15 to December 25, 1964. The album stayed at Number 1 for the next ten years, until Paul McCartney formed the band Wings. The band even got to perform as musical guests... one week before The Beatles themselves performed "I Want to Hold Your Hand." Frank Sinatra had left the show to focus on his already successful musical career.
Season 30 Cast
edit 1965: Bacteria Makes a Movie
“I had actually wanted to do some All That movies before, but I never got around to it. I was toying around with the idea of making a Good Burger movie, but I was afraid it would flop. Bacteria was one of my favorite sketches during this period. And John even came up to me once and told me he loved Bacteria. So, I really did acheive something there. ”
The film was raved by critics:
“Kenan Thompson and Josh Server are Oscar-worthy!”
“The Greatest Movie Ever Made!”
The film was nominated for 77 Oscars in 1966, including:
Oh forget it! You should have been around in 1966. Al Franken and Thomas Edison left the show and signed on to a movie deal with Warner Brothers. Unfortunately, every one of those films flopped miserably and Franken and Edison practically disappeared off the face of the Earth. There were no replacements that season.
Season 31 Cast
edit 1967: The Jim Morrison Incident
September 17, 1967 is a day that will live in infamy in All That history. Cap'n Crunch had just hired Jim Morrison to be a castmember, but was blistfully unaware of the outrageous behavior that Morrison was about to unleash to the world.
September 17 was the date of All That's 33rd season premiere and Morrison's band The Doors was scheduled as the musical guest. But that never happened because of one little stunt that Morrison pulled. He had been drinking heavily the night before, and Ray Manzarek had warned him to stop drinking so that he wouldn't do anything stupid onstage.
During a Good Burger sketch, a drunken Jim Morrison strutted around naked singing the National Anthem in an obnoxious voice, and using lots of profanity and unintelligible lyrics:
“Oh say can you see/By the (unintelligible)/Who so proudly we fuck/When we're privately singing!/Them broad stripes and bright stars/through your perilous ass!/O'er the land of the freeeeeeee/And the hooooome of theeee braaaaaaave! ”
The audience chanted a chorus of "boos," but Morrison wasn't done yet. Next he attacked the President and the war.
“That's it! I've had it with that Johnson asshole senting those fucking troops up to fight in Canada! People are dying every motherfucking day, and our fucking President won't even do a damn thing about it! Bring 'em home, you son of a bitch!”
Perhaps he was thinking of the Vietnam War. Whatever was going on in Morrison's head, the FCC and the police were notified, and Morrison was immediately fired. The Doors, and their leader, were also banned from ever appearing on the show. Bacteria were the musical guests at the last minute. Morrison was fined $75,000 for the infamous incident.
Season 33 Premiere Cast
Season 33 Cast for Remainder of Season
edit 1970: Tensions Rise and Cancellation
On April 10, 1970, The Beatles had announced their breakup. And Cap'n Crunch had doubts about whether Bacteria should continue or be retired. Crunch had also been indulging in drugs and alcohol and bacically acting like an asshole on the set. Kenan and Kel wanted to leave the show and move on to making movies, particularly a film adaptation of their classic play, I Never Knew I Was A Jew. Lori Beth Denberg had been complaining about the Vitals getting repetitive. Angelique Bates had been complaining about a lack of sketches and recurring characters. Katrina Johnson had been missing table readings and rehearsals. Alisa Reyes and Josh Server had a short-lived releationship that only lasted two days before they broke up. The writers had completely run out of ideas. Ratings were atrocious and CBS cancelled All That on October 25, 1970 after 35 seasons.
edit 1975: Relaunch
On the October 25, 1975, episode of SNL, the show ran an ad featuring Kenan and Kel, Angelique Bates, Lori Beth Denberg, Josh Server, Alisa Reyes, and Katrina Johnson discussing All That as respected critics. The ad featured such lines as:
“It has been described as the greatest show on television.”
“It brought a smile and a tear to our faces every week.”
“The most influential sketch comedy series of all time.”
“But we ain't comin' back to do it!”
The problem was that CBS could not negotiate a deal with Thompson, Mitchell, Denberg, Bates, Johnson, Reyes, Server, or creator/writer/producer Cap'n Crunch. Kenan and Kel were busy with movies. Bates retired. Denberg returned to doing standup. Server launched a successful solo career singing pop standards. Katrina Johnson and Alisa Reyes had formed a polka band called Pantera. And Crunch went into the cereal business with his successful series of Cap'n Crunch cereals.
Fans complained that nobody from the original show came back, and the show was cancelled after three episodes. Rumor has it that Alf has just hired Ted McGinley as a featured player shortly before the show was cancelled, but nobody has ever confirmed this. Shortly after the cancellation, Cap'n Crunch was found dead, believed to have been a serial killer.
edit 1994: Nickelodeon's All That
In 1994, Nickelodeon had just cancelled the sketch comedy show, Fifteen Idiots Sitting On a Couch, and wanted another sketch comedy show in its place. Legendary comedian George Burns suggested to Nickelodeon's dictator, Nick A. Lodeon, that they do something with All That.
“This is the greatest show on television, minus the 1975 relaunch. You guys need to bring this show back, for your own good.”
“Two Thumbs Up!”
“The Greatest Show on Television is still great!”
“The Original Kings of Comedy! Hey, why do I look like an owl?”
The ratings went through the roof and the show lasted a long, long time.
"Created by" credit
Season 37 Cast
edit 1996: Spinoff, Exit Angelique, Enter Amanda Bynes
1996 was a big year for All That. A lot of stuff happened that year that needs subsections and stuff to fully explain.
edit Kenan and Kel Spinoff
Main article: Kenan & Kel (TV Series)
All That's first true breakout stars, Kenan and Kel, got their own spinoff in the fall of 1996. It was entitled Kenan & Kel and featured the 97-year-old geezers playing high school teenagers who hatched schemes and got into trouble every week. The show co-starred All That 1975 castmember and Head of the Class star Dan Frischman as the owner of the strip club, Rigby's, where Kenan worked; that dude from Dawn of the Dead as Kenan's father; Sylvia Browne as Kenan's mother; and Paul Shaffer as Kenan's little sister, who has a crush on Kel.
The show ran from 1996-1999, plus a few episodes in 2000 to help conclude the series. The finale included Kenan and Kel dying in a bloody massacre by Nick A. Lodeon. The episode was deemed too violent to air, and has yet to be seen by anybody, including Kenan and Kel themselves, who disavow any knowledge of the episode's existence. The episode was a parody of the final episode of Beavis & Butthead.
edit Angelique Bates Leaves
The end of season 38 of All That marked the final appearance of original castmember Angelique Bates, who had served 38 years, and then another two. Every major publication from Jerry Springer to Larry King to Mad Magazine gave their two cents on Bate's decision to leave while she was ahead. Mad published a hilarious parody of the Randy & Mandy sketch that made Angelique famous in the first place. But Bate's exit was more of a blessing than a curse for All That.
edit Amanda Bynes
Angelique Bate's successor was discovered in the legendary comedy club Hi, I'm Amanda Bynes, and If Anybody From All That Comes Here, Please Put Me on the Show! There, the All That producers saw a very talented ten-year-old girl named Amanda Bynes performing standup and other hilarious little skits and stuff. They signed her on the spot.
“Dan Schneider came backstage and begged and pleaded for me to join the cast to replace Angelique Bates. I was like, 'What? Angelique left? Sure, of course I'll barbecue your chicken, Mr. President!' And so, I got the job... and I made history! ”
And indeed she made history. She is, to date, one of the two youngest All That castmembers in history, tied with a girl from the later seasons (which we will cover later).
Season 38 Cast
edit 1997: Good Burger, Good Movie
Main article: Good Burger
“The original idea was to put Ishboo and Ed in a movie together, and see what the hell would happen. But it dawned on us that the two characters would be imcompatible together, so we decided not to do any crossovers. We just started writing a stand-alone movie for Good Burger.”
“All right! We're having a resurgence in popularity and Good Burger is gonna be the greatest movie ever made!”
Good Burger was about a 15-year-old kid (Played by Kenan), who wrecks his teacher (Sinbad)'s car and has to get a job at a strip club called Rigby's. When he gets fired, he gets a job at Mondo Burger, and then gets fired for making too many jokes, and for "messing with Kurt." Then he takes a job at Good Burger and meets their mentally incompacitated cashier named Ed (Kel). Schneider plays the manager, Mr. Baily. Abe Vigoda plays some old dude at the restaurant. And Barney plays himself.
The film received rave reviews from respected critics:
“Good Burger is the greatest movie ever made!”
“Good Burger is undoubtedly the greatest movie ever made!”
“Good Burger is by far the greatest movie ever made!”
“Two Thumbs Up! That'll be eight bucks.”
edit 1997-1998: Season Four and Book
edit Season Four
Season Four of All That brought many changes with it. First of all, the show moved from Nickelodeon Studios in Orlando to a studio in Hollywood. Second of all came the exit of longtime castmembers Katrina Johnson and Alisa Reyes. They had actually contemplated leaving the show in 1996 after the exit of Angelique Bates.
“We were gonna tell Dan Schneider that 'If Angelique leaves, Alisa and I leave.'”
Filling the void were Christy Knowings, Leon Frierson, and Little Pete Danny Tamberelli. All three were exceptionally skilled in comedy and improv. The ratings continued to go through the roof every week during Nickelodeon's SNICK block.
edit The Book
In November 1998, Steve Holland's tie-in book, All That: Fresh Out the Box was released. Though it only chronicled the Nickelodeon years of the classic show, fans were excited to have this companion piece to the series. Time Magazine called the book, "a masterpiece" in its 1998 review. Ironically, though Lori Beth Denberg said that the castmembers would stay on the show until they were dead, she herself was ready to exit.
Season 39 Cast
edit 1998-1999: Season Five
The exit of Lori Beth Denberg had the producers scrambling to assign the Vital Information position to another castmember. Finally, Danny Tamberelli came in one day and recited one of Lori Beth's classic Vitals. He was assigned on the spot. Replacing Lori Beth Denberg as a castmember were Nick Cannon and Mark Saul, as well as (according to rumors) some obscure castmembers who disappeared after one or two episodes.
Rumored "Obscure Castmembers"
Season 40 Cast
edit 2000: Gabriel Iglesias, Hiatus, and Relaunch
edit Gabriel Iglesias
Replacing Kenan and Kel on All That was comedian Gabriel Iglesias, who was previously best-known as Michael Myers in Halloween III: Season of the Witch' back in 1982. And Amanda Bynes got her own show and was only on sporadically.
Season 41 Cast
The cast and crew had gotten tired of doing the show and wanted to move on. Nickelodeon put the show on hiatus and everybody left, just like in 1970. The abbreviated season was completed thanks to Best-Of shows. The show skipped half a season in order to find a cast in time for Season 42. By the end of the day, Josh Server was the last original castmember standing before the full cast change that came with the relaunch.
Season 42 Cast
Everybody thought the "New" All That sucked horribly, and ratings declined.
edit Casting Controversy
Longtime fans complained when Donald Trump, Jr., was hired as an All That castmember in 2002. Although Trump claims that he "auditioned just like everyone else," purist fans have accused Nickelodeon for hiring Trump through the benefits of nepotism. Trump's father is Donald Trump, the CEO of Nickelodeon.
Season 43 Cast
edit The "10th Anniversary"
On April 23, 2005, Nickelodeon celebrated the 10th anniversary of All That, although in reality, it was the 72nd anniversary. Nickelodeon aired classic episodes of All That all month to prepare for the milestone. The Anniversary Reunion Special reunited Kenan and Kel, Josh Server, and Danny Tamberelli. Nick Cannon appeared by sattelite from Mars. The other "old" castmembers were no-shows because we all know Nickelodeon is afraid of old people. The show was hosted by that Malcom dude again and featured musical guests you've never heard of in your life.
The show scored record ratings and is the greatest All That episode since the 2000 hiatus.
edit The Final Season and Cancellation
Season "10" (actually season 45) was somewhat better than the other seasons with the 2001 cast, but it still sucked. Needless to say, ratings sucked and the show was cancelled for good after ten years on Nickelodeon. It was replaced by the revival of Fifteen Idiots Sitting on a Couch.
edit I'm gonna be the n00b article of the month! Believe it!
edit Ben 10
Ben 10 is an inexcusably mediocre American cartoon show with little to no difference from the other anime rip-off shows of the early 21st century.
In the first episode, Benton Olsen is possessed by the loc-nar, a soul-stealing demon that has captured the soul of beings across the galaxy. Now, he is commanded by the thing of pure-evil and forced to go across the country, stealing the souls of more unsuspesting aliens.
edit The Aliens
Through the loc-nar's dark power Benton has stolen the souls of
edit The (stupid) enemies
Villai - GAK!, the ultimate enemy - Is a villain not of "PURE" evil, but of dirty, dirty, corrupted, unshaved evil. He is the most evil alien in the universe and thus the only one more evil than Benton on the show yet he gets killed in about 4 episodes.
The Clowns - Pennywise, the ringleader, Hairy Harriet, the girl with posable hair, Thumbass, that robot in Spy kids 2, and AcidBreath, a clown with the ability to fly (what do you mean you don't get it?), a group of circus freaks who wish to sneak up behind Ben's family and give them heart attacks
edit The ABCs of Nazism
A is for Aryans, those supreme German guys
B is for Bolshevicks, unwilling to compromise
C is for Communism, it's the very best group
D is for Darwinism, we came from Primordial soup
E is for Elite, the very best of the best
F is for Fascists, the super crazy obsessed
G is for Genocide, kill all them jews
H is for Hitler or Holocaust, which ever you choose
I is for I am better than you's
J is for Jews, and their cool leather shoes
K is for Kameradenwerk, who spy on you
L is for Losers, because they lost WWII
M is for Mein Kampf, the infamous book
N is for Nazism, the guys who can't cook
O is for Opression, that's how we roll
P is for Populist ideas, on the whole
Q is for Quarrels, which we like to start
R is for Racism, which we think is smart
S is for Socialist or Swastika, we like them both
T is for Totalitarianism, our political oath
U is for Übermensch, the evolved man
V is for Völkisch movement, our magic game plan
W is for Weimar Republic, a Nazi's best friend
X is for Xenophobia, an other-hating trend
Y is for Yockey, Francis Parker, that one Nazi dude
Z is for Zoltán Böszörmény, he has facism imbued
Nostalgia is a terrible dormant disease affecting everyone older than you, it is generally nonlethal, much to the affected's loved ones' dismay,
Nostalgia is oft present since birth
Nostalgiacs generally experience the following effects in phases
Phase 1 - recognition that things seem to be different than when they were in high school later in stage 1, nostalgiacs may suffer mild regression back into their younger years.
Phase 2 -
edit What to do
If you know a loved one who is a nostalgiac, the first thing you should generally do is stop them from spreading this disease to others of their age-group. By no means are you to let the affected near a message board, chat-room, or other online forum.
If the affected is over 60 You do not have to worry about public forums, by this point the nostalgia should make home computers practically toxic to the subject. Proceed directly, and quickly, to phase 2
If you have stopped the nostalgia from spreading to other nostalgiacs
edit Taking proactive steps
Although the preceding treatments sometimes work, the best treatment is giving such people terrible childhoods.
edit Black comedy
Black comedy is the least funny type of comedy, seriously, if you laughed during Dr. Strangelove, you must have been drunk.
edit Black comedy
Black comedy is almost as unfunny as black comedy
edit Tony Montana
Tony Montana was a Cuban immigrant, As a teenager he got a scar by eating pussies. Fidel Castro, sickened by his dumb mistakes shipped Tony off to America where he was only a minor problem among many others. Montana entered the gangster (gangsta) lifestyle to get quick street cred, and lots and lots of Cocaine Tony's first crowning acheivement was throwing a knife at someone's back "a crowning acheivement," said another mobster "I have never seen someone sneak up behind someone and throw a knife into their back quite like that before" Afterwards, said mobster took him to an abandoned warehouse where he got a lot of lucky breaks by shooting and/or stabbing and/or throwing knives into peoples' backs. After climbing to the top during a cocaine fueled rage, he eventually decided to take on an entire room full of machine-gun armed assassins where he was promptly killed. Because of this bold sacrifice along with his morbid cocaine addiction and poor English comprehension, he became a true role model to thousands in the rap lifestyle.
Ki, also known as the shortest actual word in the uncyclopedia, is the substance present in humans that allows them to fly, walk on walls, hit with bone-cracking power, and fire high-powered energy blasts from their hands
edit Æncæclæpædæ Dræmætæcæ
No one quite knows what this is, but it is certainly not a parody of the Uncyclopedia, hell the Uncyclopedia is not even a parody of IT (no matter what everyone on the site says)
edit the mission
The dramatica's mission is either to give drama club emo nerds a home, or to "spread the lulz" as they say. Contrasting the word "lulz" with the computer acronym lol, we have made absolutely no connections between the two. The most sense we can make out of the statement is that ED wants to "lul" the mentally-challenged internet community into a false sense of love so that
edit The Unique Style of Humor
The truly unique humor style of ED is truly ahead of it's time. Taking a step up on the styles of Dr. Strangelove and Fargo, which had no slapstick humor and only black comedy respectively, Encyclopedia Dramatica participates in using a style of comedy 100% devoid of any kind of humor. So far, this has garnered an insane number of followers and has been widely-regarded as a good idea.
Another large part of Dramatica's humor involves the use of the words n****r, m***, *pi*, can**, kr**t, k*k*, p*l*k, g*nn*, *yke, f*g, h**o, q*ee*, $#!+, pi**, and especially *****!
It should be noted that ED also has an article on Uncyclopedia. Judging by this article it should also be noted that they are a lot less subtle.
Did you know...
edit The upside?
edit The Amazing Screw-on Head
“That is the most Amazing Screw-on Head I have ever seen... I tell you what.”
“To tell the truth, it really wasn't that amazing.”
The Amazing Screw-On Head, born The Amazing Screw-On Head, is one of the most amazing, yet impractical figures in American history. He was a CIA agent, who was really an NSA agent, who secretly worked for the BPRD. And on a less important note he did have an incredibly hard head that could screw on and off, whilst the body remained fully functional.
The Amazing Screw-On Head, then The Amazing Screw-On Head, was born About 187 years ago, on the isle of the screws (formerly "somewhere nice") to a screw mother and a human father(wtf??). In his early years, Mr. Head was revered around his school for having a human body attached, and then later at his human school, where normally everyone was the same, for his ability to screw off, and later on, his head.
Despite this, Amazing Screw-on Head was no good at carpentry because he always desired to be taken out from wherever he was screwed in, keeping him from the task of master-nailer.
edit Government years
However, For his unique talent, he was recruited by the B.P.R.D. where he bacame a full-fledged agent in under a day, and was appointed a not-so-sexy manservant and told to go on his first mission.
Thinking the Russians were incompetant, Screw-On Head thought he could easily infiltrate the hideout by posing as a fluently English-speaking Russian with an American accent and American sense of patriotism.
Unfortunately, Russians were not imcompetant by this point in time and Screw-On Head and his manservant were easily captured by the recruiting officer who threw them in a small jail-cell.
edit The Emporer Zombie conflict
Shortly after his first mission, Screw-On Head was again called upon for a similarly imortant mission. Screw-On Head was responsible for stopping.
edit Later Years
after screwing up his later missions, screw-on-head
edit The Manservants
The average longevity of Screw-on head's manservants is two weeks, because of this, the government has appointed the head lower and lower-level manservants, most notably Mr. Groin
Mr. Groin Mr. Groin was one of head's manservants, better known as "the amazing screw-on groin" had the amazing ability to remove and reattach his groin. While his enemies stared in disgust at the disemebodied penis, Groin would hit them over the head with a fire-axe
Mr. Fiery Magma-Core of the Earth During Screw-on head's service under Nixon, Head was appointed the lowest agent in the force
edit Love Life
Despite not yet known to have screwed anyone, it is often reported that Screw-On got a LOT of head, namely one named the miraculous Bolt-on-Head.
It has also been rumored that screw-on-head had an affinity for nearly all of his manservant, of course this was incredibly controversial as all his manservants were either men or dogs and screw-on-head little more than a big screw.
The Screw-On Head has various articles of notoriety surrounding him, most notably the question as to whether his head could actually screw on and off. Although it was a long-accepted fact, many scientists now belive that it was only an optical illusion, that gave the impression of the head screwing on and off.
edit Notable Quotes
edit Donald Pleasence
Donald Pleasence (1919-1995(?)) his first acting job was in 1939 when he was asked to play "laser-spear holder" in a production of "Macbeth in space". Unfortunately, just after receiving the role he was shipped off to World-War II and was promptly tortured to insanity. Shortly afterwards, he escaped from a loony-bin in 1950, hijacking his doctor and nurse's car, and promptly proceeded to drive back to his home town of Yorkshire to kill his sister. Instead, he got sidetracked when a local talent agent said he "had the most wonderful eyes, as if he were insane, yet completely competent" and brought him to acting school.
After Pleasence killed the agent and took over the studio, he began to teach his pupils on how to act completely idiotic by talking in raspy bursts of voice with distinctive pauses in between, ironically, John Reynolds (best known for masterfully portraying Torgo) and William Shatner were his best and worst students, respectfully.
During the next stage of his career, Pleasence would be well known for playing memorable characters such as Dr. Crippen, Limpy, Mr. Puppleworth, Tromp, and "organ-grinder", however, his best-loved character of his earlier career was Heinrich Himmler, who he had idolized and greatly respected throughout his horrible torture.
Donald's big break came in 1967, when Roald Dahl cogently noted that "that guy looks like some kinda freak", realizing what he had just said, Dahl rushed over to the man and asked him to star in "you only live a few times, then you die and go to hell" where he was asked to play James Bond's nemesis Dr. Savros Blowfield. Unfortunately, Dahl was only going to film a few test films woth pleasence for a blooper-reel, but when the real star, some Polish comedian named Janus Kricsfaluski, fell sick (was poisoned), Dahl had no choice but to complete the film using the freakish-looking actor. Soon enough, Pleasence's role as a super-villain (along with Blofeld's image as a bald-headed freak) was solidified.
After playing such roles as Puma Man's nemesis, Kobras, Columbo's nemesis, Adrian Carsini, and of course, Heinrich Himmler, Donald was approached by a man just as crazy-looking as him, John Carpenter to play the crazy-looking doctor, Loomis, in his film halloween. Pleasence, having experience playing characters named loomis, gladly agreed after another B-Movie legend, Christopher Lee declined.
Pleasence pretty much spent the rest of his life playing that Loomis character, playing other bland characters, playing other guys named Loomis, and not doing much else. (other than divorcing and remarrying a lot) Soon enough, people recognized his talents for acting in a numerous amount of movies, and awarded him an unimportant award in 1995. Unfortunately, Pleasence died before he could receive the award, however, in the last moments of his life, his soul was transferred into a bunch of clips of himself, so that he may live on forever.
In 1997, his Blofeld character was homaged by Mike Myers in "Austin Prowler: International car of quality". However Blofe- er, Loomi-um... Pleasant was offended by this portrayal, prompting him to make his famous speech, of course this was already made by him.
"I met Michael Myers (Mike Myers), fifteen years ago. I was told there was nothing left. No reason, no conscience, no understanding; even the most rudimentary sense of life or death, good or evil, right or wrong. I met this six-year-old child (referring to Mike Myers' state of maturity), with this blank, pale, emotionless face and, the blackest eyes... the *devil's* eyes! I spent eight years trying to reach him, and then another seven trying to keep him locked up because I realized what was living behind that boy's eyes was purely and simply... *evil*!"
edit The legacy
Pleasence, throughout his acting career was most known for playing guys named "Loomis"
edit HowTo: Escape an Enforcment Droid
“go eat shit fuckers.”
Play-Doh was originally created by Saddam Hussein as a WMD.
edit Who started this shit??!!
Once, their was a man named Euclid, but don't aim your slings and arrows at him yet, at the time he didn't know that his worthless formula would be so essential in this time and place
Cow Tipping, called "pushing a cow over" in America, has been known as one of the most diversified solo sports in the world.
edit Angus Diet
edit Tom Hopkins
edit Dead Rights
although some cultures such as Egypt, who have given the dead lush living conditions and the Haitins who treat the dead as they treat themselves, since the beginning of time, the dead have been treated as 2nd-class citizens.
edit Dead rights history
In a time period ranging from 1962-1978 the dead started rising to protest their terrible living conditions. Initially, these protests were put down by hate groups, who
edit Dead rights activists
edit How to be retarded and not just stupid
If Euroipods, vandalism/example on wheels, or 58-something-something's edits to horsefly weren't proof, it is that being stupid is not enough for uncyclopedia, and that to be respected you must not only write stuff, but to act retarded. But, to correctly act retarded, you must first know what is stupid
Uncyclopedia gets about 300 new articles a day.
Out of those 300, about 200 of them die before they turn 1 day old.
Even more of them are deleted even if they are funny
But the vast majority of articles are relics from Uncyclopedia's days of yore that someone voted as featured because it took a slightly clever concept and stretched it across endless pages, to create one of these articles, follow these rules.