User:Mr. Briggs Inc./50 Cent
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“He puts the RAP in CRAP”
“50 cents (aka Jose Mocoltas BHS) is all a gangster's life is worth.”
“50 grew up in an upper class country home. His facial bullet wounds are in fact a result of a bad case of acne when he was 15 and falling off his pony.”
“50 Cent ain't got shit on me.”
“50 Cent and oliver raped me.Boy he has the softest ass..mmm..must make love to dr.dre now!!”
“50 Cent doesn't know how to rap”
“Neither does he know how to do basic math”
“The only things he knows how to do are rapping and basic math”
“Yo mang, I be in da club, smokin dem bluntz, checkin them mad biches out yo. Yo, yo, yo, yo, uh, uh, check it. Ma name is fiddy. Ma pantz iz shitty. I be havin them money, I be havin them honeyzzzzz....”
edit Suspect Dossier
Two Quarters, Curtis Leroy "Stupid Twat" "50 Cent"Whifty Cent "Fiddy Shit"5O Pence "Fiddy Fiddy Fiddy Fiddy...Fiddy" "Got Shot 9 Times an' nigga still wont die" "Shitty Cent" "Curly Joe" "Showertime playmate" Jackson "Stabbed with a dildo in the prison shower" "58 Cent" in Canada (50 Cent, not to be confused with legendary and influential poet 15th century, or Tu-Pense, a rival rapper), son of tron "1 dollah" Jackson and Ashlee Simpson was a soulful young emo boy born in the modest town of Minas Tirith. "Fitty" was best friends with Ewsew Blewsew son of "Air Retard." He adopted the name 50 cent because that's how much money he had growing up, despite his father's dossier (see below. Discrimination huh). Jackson, bored of the confines of rural living, turned to piano playing. His contemporaries hailed him as the next "Leeroy Jenkins" but he considered himself more like "Liberace" - the dead/alive/dead alien gay piano player who ruled Las Vegas 6000 years before Christ. Fiddy then changed his name to Necrophiliac the III. This is illustrated due to the poor taste in gaudy clothing and "iced out" jew-lery. DEWEW!!!!!!!! Though Minas Tirith is a more or less tolerant society, there was still racism, so the local white hoodfolk began to call him "Nigga-ra-chee". Eventually, his fame became widespread and people filled the concert halls in hopes that they would see his great skill in action. Most 'hoes' didn't like him in the beginning, before his widespread un-fame. The people were, of course, amazed at both his technical skill and poor grammar. They left every concert either in shock or awe, but never both. Often touring for hours every few weeks Fiddy often claims he is the hardest working man from the Hood. His ability to be shot and live amazes medical officials to this day. They believe his DNA was altered by a radio-active 'hoe' named Titty McBoobins carrying a radio-active mutation of the HI-Virus. He also time travels due to space-time stomach syndrome (see below). To this day he continues to maintain that despite his success, he's still "Jenny from the block". Why 50 cent is called a musicsian is still a mystery to many, considering how he just talks while some guy puts music in the backround, and the fact that he has no talent what so ever, and sings about women all the time because he's wonders what making love to women instead of men is like. GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG...GGGGGGG....G UNIT (ta ta ta ta ta ta today junior)
A certain User on this site hates him. But whatever, that user is such an asshole.
edit Growing Up
CURTIS JACKSON was born in Minas Tirith, East Winchester, Virginia with the name Arthur Dollar. His father was an Immigration to the United States and received a Bachelor of Arts degree from Beijing University in 1980 and a Master of Business Administration from the Jedi Training Academy in 1981. After graduating he became an Jedi Apprentice to state Senator J. Doyle Corman (until 1986) and director of the Pennsylvania Senate local government committee (until 1984, when he became the director of Nazi Germany (1984–1986).
Following his first arrest for pimping at age 2, Jackson quickly descended into a spiral of increasingly violent and heinous crimes. At age 7, while still in diapers, he was sent to jail for selling fake Mr. T memorabilia to unsuspecting schoolchildren and three years later he was convicted for animal cruelty after a target practice session using live babies as ammo. Disillusioned with society, 50 Cent became a high drug dealer, and a self-pimp, providing both services at the same time and slashing bus costs.
When a drug deal went sour in his 10th year of life (excluding time traveled years, see below), he was supposedly shot fifty times at close range by a rocket launcher on steroids which was later traced to Flava Flav, a well known hardcore gang banger enemy of Fiddy. However, by some amazing (unfortunate) miracle, Jackson did not die and was in fact induced into a dream where he believed he had been shot which was used to remove his anxiety of tweed blazers due to his recent inauguration into Yale. During his hypnosis, he believed that he was blessed by god, although it stung after he was blessed several, earth-shattering times in the bonus tunnel. After he woke up, he decided to rebel against his tormented youth; deciding to abandon oreos and maple syrup for life; hence "for life" . During his revalidation, he was blessed some more by renowned rap artist and surgeon Dr. Dre, who discovered his "talent" and taught him a valuable lesson about honesty.
After his miraculous survival, 50 Cent became a devout Ebonitian, thanking Moddafokka for saving him from the streets. Whereas other rap artist regularly sing about sex and violence, 50's lyrics deal almost exclusively with mother, P.I.M.P and Shorty in a violent and sexual way. He is particularly obsessed with da Guh Guh Guh Guh Guh Guh Guh Guh Guh Guh Guh Guh Guh Guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guh guhG-Unit, a gang of white harvard graduates. He is an honorary member of the Pimp Congress of da Hood, a spokesperson for the Hip Hop cult and a close friend of Oprah Whinefrey the Ninja. He is also a self-confessed nerd, having programmed and published both a video game and a virtual massacre simulator starring himself; the latter smashing all known human sales records. His biggest hit, I.B.M.P.C.(I buy many peoples children), features a revealing line "I'm a Moddaboardin' I.B.M.P.C." His future plans include solving the world hunger problem and recording an album with Michael jackson. He also owns a Candy Shop. Take him to it. He'll let you lick the lollipop.Go 'head girl, don't you stop. Keep going 'til you hit the spot. Woah.
As of, January 1807 (see time travel) Fifty cent is now embarking upon a lucrative career of target practice. Many of the osama bin laden targets have now been reprinted in a stronger shade of black so as to resemble 50's face. As a Publicity stunt, fifty will be participating in a target practice session with the United States Modified Chaingun Brotherhood in which he will demonstrate his gangster street cred.
edit Transformation: From Coon to Swoon
17, and now knowing he's gay, he lives his life until we come to... 18, and now fully recovered from his initial three-to-nine-bullet-holes-depending-on-who-you-ask, CURTIS JACKSON donated himself to an experiment: The Kingsman Process. The Kingsman Process, as we all know, is a method devised by renowned surgeon Doctor Dre, dedicated to augmenting the body with an adamantine skeleton. That is to say, in a straightforward fashion, that he subjected himself to robotic experiments. This was illustrated in the hit song and video "In Da Club" and was very reminiscent of the $6,000,000,000,000 Man on a 50 cent budget. But the experiment had some downsides... Apparently, while operating, a sudden infusion of the surrounding fabric of space-time laid waste to his stomach. The effects were dire. Soon after, Curtis started feeling under the weather, whether the weather was wet or dry as a feather. Time travel ensued. Fitty didn't actually suffer 9 (or 3) bullet wounds, at least right away, because he paradoxically took the barrage for his past self and his WW2 self from an assailant that is deemed to be his future self. Luckily, the public never caught wind of this calamity, and he became the famous rap star you know and Dispise today. He was, however, severely weakened, and is now cursed with his trademark speech impediment.
Hypothetically, 50 CENT actually fought in World War II. It is theorized he fought on the Western Front, first slaughtering all the Germans before the white Allied Soliders even reached their lines. This is the only possible scenario; he could not have fought on the Eastern front as the Soviets were not keen on black people and would not have let him. A favorite technique 50 CENT used was to walk up to a German Panzer and punch it. Although 50 CENT was hypotheoretically surrounded by over a hundred panzers at any given time, he is bullet proof, and tank shells only tickle him. Once however, 50 CENT did pass out from being overtickled, but it was for less than a second. Then he woke up and starting punching tanks.
He also uberhypotheoretically strangled Hitler for 34 hours, 45 minutes and 19 seconds, thus rendering the corpse of the dictator non-existent due to particle dissipation.
CURTIS JACKSON still Travels back in time through yoga, but had, at one stage, dropped into the 70's and released some songs there under the name Weird Al Yankovic. His experimentation with that decade was nevertheless a failure, as his songs were annoying but still the Magnum Opus of his career (even though no one knew it was CURTIS JACKSON).
Not all was lost however. Jackson is still playing piano today and sings with Katie Melua. He has already been given the award for Outstanding Musical Skill Depending On Color And Musical Taste Of The Beholder, and has been awarded with this no less than forty-two (42) times.
After fifty became rich, he found the power to do anything he wanted (dont believe me go ask yah mom),like most rich-ass stars. He donates 10 million dollars a day to himself, using 5 million for hoes and strippers and the other 5 million to brag about how rich he is. Bill Gates has declared war with him. Bill's new invention, the atom bomb composed entirely of money, should put this idiot in his place.
In 175 B.C. 50 Cent went to Istanbul to check his best buddy Phil Osophy. In this time he became one of the biggest gangsters of this city. He soon joined Phil's THJ (Turkish Hitler Jugend) and became a pimp daddy with lots of money, prostitutes and pimping cars. He had a lot of gang wars with Oscar Wilde's IRA and Kanye West's KKK. Nevertheless he survived all this attacks and became counselor of Phil. After a couple of years 50 left the city together with Phil to study entemology at Cambridge.
edit Presidential Years
In 2020 Republican Presidential candidate 50 Cent and Vice-President candidate Will Smith win the USA Presidential elections in a 51/49 vote split against Democratic candidates Rosie O'Donnell and Oprah. 50 Cent and Smith agree to comply with a group named The Harrison Administration that seems to control the world's supply of oil, energy, and technology.
It seems that 50 Cent once called himself the George W. Bush of gangsta rappers, and he took Bush's advice to enter into politics. Instead of the phrase "The buck stops here" in the Oval Office, it was changed to say "The 50 cent chills out here playa". After the USA's miserable defeat in Iraq, 50 Cent decided to run a re-run of the Iraqi war that started in 2003 and ended in 2010 when the USA entered a great depression from the war debts and was forced to withdrawal from Iraq. 50 Cent sent some of his boys to do drive-by shootings, and decided to give the people if Iraq free copies of his hit CD "Bad grammar bad attitude" to encourage them for freedom. The war was not a success as the drive-bys killed too many innocent people, and the Iraqi people were too poor to afford CD players to listen to 50 Cent's music. Plus 50 Cent's troops used uranium depleted bullets that poisoned Iraq's water supplies. Iran came in to try and invade Iraq and take over the government, but 50 Cent say "Fuck that playa, eat shit and die motherfucka!" and withdrew all of his troops from Iraq and the Middle-East. While Liberals and Terrorists and Islamic Fundamentalists were all doing an End Zone Dance, 50 Cent launched a first strike on Iran and Iraq, turning most of the Middle-East into one big glass parking lot and most of Asia into a radioactive wasteland.
edit Tragic Death
After curing all world hunger, solving all known physical anomalies, and smoking a shit blunt in 10 seconds, 50 cent embarked upon a relaxing walk in the countryside with his 50 children. As he was walking along the hills, he noticed that he was not walking with his children, but, in fact, they were plastic models of his children, strapped with semtex. Unfortunately, 50 managed to survive the combined blast of 50 tonnes of C4 on steroids due to his P.I.M.P. stick, which posessed magical properties attributed to it by will smith's left knacker.
After a lengthy 10 hour escape, 50 was brought down by Jay Leno, who was a rival member of the "cripples" gang whom had been arrested several times before outside 50's palace for urinating over 50 meters onto his front door. Leno, who was able to run at speeds of over 500 miles per second, eventually killed 50 cent by jaming 50 acupuncture needles into his hypothamalus. A news report on FOX news titled "THANK FUCK FOR THAT" began a 50 hour marathon of celebrations, which all known media outlets in the known universe broadcast, beginning with the US government giving Leno the highest honor in american history; "The medal of unbelievably great honor, courage, skill, wisdom, humor, strength, unity, fashion and chins" (AKA "The Medal of ughcswhsufc" - pronounced ughcswhsufc).
The death of 50 cent was given stern opposition to by the 50 cent alliance, which gained over 500% more members, bringing the total from 0.00 to 0.00.
50 Cent's body was reportedly sold to an unknown buyer for only a shocking 29 cents. Some believe that this means that 50 cent had given himself a faulty value rating.
edit $0.50 USD In The Media
Filthy cent was recently quoted saying this about his video game, "Bulletproof", "Just because it is rated mature doesn't mean you shouldn't buy it for your kids. Play the game and explain to them why the big black men are shooting each other, they will understand." He said the same thing when a reporter mentioned the DVD, "All The Wet Spots Volume 2", and the video game, "Mary Kate & Ashley: We <3 shit and my own dick".
50 Cent is an active member of the gay community, and therefor it is a huge influence on the shit he calls his music. Despite the fact that it has now been proven that 50 developed the lyrics from the pissed ramblings of a drunken mentalist, he claims it is a rather well-known fact is that 50 Cent has drawn a major influence from both Shakespeare and Edgar Allan Poe, which is evidenced by a strongly related writing style. One can assume that his lyrics containing such topics as "clubs" and "gang wars" are actually common allegorical devices, and are subtly inserted into all of his songs. Critics often demonize these lyrics by taking them at face value. Although most label him as the "modern Shakespeare" of our generation, there is a fierce debate between both factions, the "Poe faction" and the "Shakespeare" faction. The Shakespeare faction postulates that 50 Cent's lyrics depict a "hamlet-esque" brevity hidden within them. The Poe faction, however, states that his lyrics depict a macabre feeling throughout, gripping the listener in a tense uneasiness. Both factions are still debating which side is correct, but Cambridge University reveals that there is actually both influences equally prominent, with no particular dominance by either influence. However, it remains untwisted that fitties lyrics hold a very deep meaning. As said, the origin and reason of the frequent reoccurrence of words like "gang wars" and "party" are from the heavy contending position of the factions mentioned above. However, other terms such as "bling bling" and "bitches" remain a mystery to the Shakespearean as well as the Poe faction. Some claim that the "bling bling" refers to a bright light, and the "bitches" to the Angels that saved him when he was shot in the "hood". Others claim that the "bling bling" is a result of Fitties' Nietzchestic point of view on things, meaning that the "bitches" are you and him and I, who killed the "bling bling", in which theory the "bling bling" is a metaphor for God.
One of the greatest enigmas in 50 cent's work is the use of the word "candy shop". It is speculated that the childlike innocence may stem from Fiddy's desire to relive his comfy, sheltered childhood, as opposed to the intense prssure of his current success.
Nonetheless, it is frequently held that 50 Cent has achieved lyrical mastery. He stands about a foot below Mozart's genius, but stands above Bach's. 50 Cent is among the best musicians that have ever lived after being shot 9 (or 3, excluding wounds obtained through time travel) times. He feels at home both behind his trusty "Fender stratocaster" and his extensive gun collection.
He has been accused of and indicted on allegations of inappropriate sexual conduct with a minor and possession of child pornography on six occasions. Every time, the charges were dropped because all persons involved with the case were compensated thousands of dollars at 50's famous chain of chic, trendy, all-male sex-show-cabarets. He really took those kids to the Candy Shop.
He was also criticized by connndoooolezzzzzzzzzer rice for being overly familiar with "vulgar language which without swearwords is equal to that of a chimp". To illustrate this, she presented the lyrics to fiddy's song "G-Unit":
G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! G-G-G-G-Unit! Motherfucka!
50 cent responded by saying "I love condolezzer rice, i used to have it all the time when i was a kid, as my mom used to cook it. Does Uncle Bens still sell dat shit?".
shout out to doja stripper aka The game
50 Cent has also come under fire about his new game, '50 cent Bullet' Proof. It has been called "violent, outrageous and with no message".
Curtis has responded to this by saying that "it will show children how gang life really is". Despite the big fucking 18+ sticker on it supposedly to stop children actually buying the game.
"Just because it is rated mature doesn't mean you shouldn't buy it for your kids. Play the game and explain to them why the big black men are shooting each other, they will understand." He said the same thing when a reporter mentioned the DVD, "All The Wet Spots Volume 2", and the video game, "Mary Kate & Ashley: We <3 shit and my own dick".
He has recently engaged in a rap battle with rival MC, Pudge Daddy. Pudge has said that 50 "Can't Rap". To which 50 said "Nuh Uh". To which Pudge Daddy replied, "Yes huh." I doubt our generation will ever see the resolve of this epic clash.
Recently discovered most of his song lyrics were stolen from true gangster Ronald McDonald.
edit "50 Penis"
In 2004 50 Cent shelved plans to conquer the British rap market under the moniker "50 Pence" citing the moral implications of having a queen stamped into his ass. Fiddy's management company Small Change is however pressing ahead with a scheme to introduce the guttural raper to Russians markets as "Half a Rouble" and to Europe as "49 Eurocents". This will most likely end in failure because 50-Cent's brain is so full of talents that he has no room for any more knowledge, and is consequentially unable to learn to speak either Russian or European.
The following is a partial list of tour names 50 Cent uses in various countries where his name means nothing.
|Animal Crossing||"3,000 Bells"|
|Burkina Faso||"Our GDP"|
|Brazil||"2 Reau e 7 Centavo"|
|United States of Albania||One USA dollar.|
|Croatia||"2 Kuna i 91 Lipa"|
|Denmark||"3 kroner og 50 øre"|
|Finland||"One bottle of Koskenkorva"|
|Hungary||"100 Forint + ÁFA"|
|Happy Land||"13 Fuzzy Happy Hugs"|
|Indonesia||"4500 Rupiah" - Or equal to 45 candies|
|Iran||"20 Russian Uranium Rods"|
|Ivalice||"1 Gil, 2 potions, and a phial of Smelling Salts"|
|Japan||"50 billion Yen"|
|Kazakhstan||"30 lbs of pubic hair|
|Netherlands||"41 Euro-Cents" (formerly "18 Stuivers") with AH Bonus Card: 39 Euro-Cents|
|New Zealand||"2 Sheep & wooly fleece"|
|North Korea||"85 Non-Evil Capitalist American Puppet Won"|
|Norway||"One half sheep"|
|Philippines||"2-Ben Ching Coh"|
|Runescape||"Enough to get a pack of n00bz following you asking "D00D CA$H PLZ!!!""|
|Serbia||"500,000,000,000 starih dinara" (As of 1988-1993)|
|Soviet Russia||"In Soviet Russia, 50 Cent YOU!!"|
|Saudi Arabia||"1 Camel"|
|South Africa||"3 Rand 50"|
|South Korea||"425 Won"|
|Your mom||"69'er goddess money"|
|Tibia||"2 Frae iteanz pls?"|
|Taiwan||"8 beatle nuts"|
|United States of Antartica||"0,5 Polar bear and 1 penguin|
|Ukraine||"0.38 grams of salo"|
|United States||"Half Dollar and a bottle of Corona"|
|Vietnam||"14 blowjobs and herpies"|
|Atlantis||"0.12 gallons of water"|
|Where Ever You Live||"Your Soul"|
|Bollywood||"4 painkillers and a blunt"|
|Bratislava, Slovakia||99999999999999999999999999999999999999999.999 Slovak koruna|
|Tasmania||6 cousins to choose from|
|Iraq||3 suicide bombers|
|a paddock||2 cow craps|
|World of Warcraft||27 hours 31 minutes 22.8 seconds of your life mysteriously gone.|
|Wizarding World||Doxy shit packs|
|4th Dimension||25 cows inside out|
|Fareun||5 Silver Pieces|
|Anywhere||A can of beer|
|colinville, CSA, -nothing. not a mutha fuckin cent|
- Fiddy went through many problems as a kid, circumcised at 8 days old(dont believe me ask yahn mom), his lifesory can be found in the movie Big mommas houseand number 2 is about him now.
- Later in his life, he was beatin up in bar fight by Coach Z and yah mom. Soon after he found out that he was gay and had homoerotic relations with Akon and yah dad, the high pitched voice in most of Akon's songs is produced by Fiddy as Akon squeezes his balls and yah dad sticked hes willy-dilly up there behind hole( dont believe me ask yah mom, she was der).
- he was shot 10 times, but still failed to die.
as his attackers fled the scene, they could be heard saying "omg noob hax!11!!11 how j00 not die??" the tenth bullet is the one you may not have heard of; this is because it asploded his balls, and that's not somethin he wants his G-unit to know and yah mum.
- Fifty is more bullet-absorbant than bullet proof, being blessed at birth with the power of 'Homeostasis' (the ability to digest metal), it has been suggested that allowing minors to witness his ability to absorb energy (chi/mana/power/XPpoints) from metal objects embeded in his skin could have distracting, traumatic and harmful effects on them, manifesting in poor SATs scores; when questioned about this at a press conference 'Fiddy' responded "G-G-G-G-G-Unit, y'all playa hating motherfuckas ain't gon disrespect this shit right here no longer, I'm 'a show you what's popping in this hood", he then proceeded to ram the microphone into his upper arm, where his super-human powers of digestion disolved it in moments. In his memoirs Albert Einstein described Fiddy's behaivour at the event as "retarded".
- New allegations have recently rose over the reason why 50 cent wears a bandanna, or a silly hairnet so much. A close friend of 50 cent, later reported to be Les Battersby of Corrie, said that 'When he was at a sleepover a while back one of his friends wrote a rather crude word on his head while he was sleeping, and if you look closely you can still see it.' As we all know, 50 cent is no fan of foul language, so he likes to keep his new tattoo hidden from the eyes of old ladies and children. That's why he always looks so darn silly.
edit Latest Single
Uncyclopedia.org has managed to obtain the lyrics for his new song "Yeh shit dog nigga want pussy homey ghetto" which is to be released in time for Christmas, so that it can be bought for people you don't like:
Homey...da ghetto dog king, it's FITTY
Elvis don't live no more b(bleep)ch
All ah wont take iz sum pussy babe, plz
Just a lil bitta pussy babe, plz
Homey...shit nigga..dogggggg MOVE it..
Yeh..shit dog nigga...wanna pussy homey...ghetto
Look at my big fat lower lip, b(beep)ch
Yeh...doggg i'm the KING, Elvis doesn't live, b(beep)ch
Want pussy homey
Included on the album will be Fifty's cover of the new Spaghetti-Os song.