User:Mr-ex777/A pile of dog turd/2
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“Oftentimes, I question why the Lord would make such things as Jeandiss. Such a horrible thing to happen to even the worst people. Then I remember that I have chronic Jeandiss and probably shouldn't make it worse.”
Jeandiss is a medical condition that is most commonly attributed to ill-willed comments about Jean Reno. It is a crippling, if not fatal condition that affects every bodily system known to man. Currently, the Center for Diseased Columbians recognizes that Jeandiss is one of the worst diseases since the Ebola Virus, though, thankfully, its rate of infection is lessening. Thank Jean for being so forgiving.
There are many theories as to where the name "Jeandiss" arose. Some experts suggest that the word arose as a euphamism for James Dean, who is reported to have been such a badass that he carried a vial of the disease in his pocket at all times, using it to lace his cigarettes. This is the most widely accepted theory. However, another theory in recent decades has been the association of the "diss" in Jeandiss to the appearance of the disease after negative remarks made about Jean Reno (dissing the man, then). However, most, if not all, of the proponents of this theory have yet to offer an answer for the "Jean" in the word.
“Seriously? You just asked me that? It's in the first fucking paragraph, you half-wit. I swear, you're like the bastard child of a waffle-iron and a spiral-cut ham.”
Jeandiss is most commonly atrributed to speaking ill of Jean Reno. However, experts agree that the disease may arise from acts that speak ill of Jean Reno explicitly or implicitly. Such acts include:
- Talking during a movie starring Jean Reno.
- Talking during a movie that Jean Reno is watching.
- Not talking during a movie based on a Stephanie Meyer book.
- Reading a Stephanie Meyer book.
- Not believing in Santa Claus.
- Believing in global warming.
- Attending a Jonas Brothers concert.
- Introducing your children to Spongebob Squarepants. Seriously. What the fuck is that about?
- Believing that Wikipedia contains a factual account of Jean Reno.
Whatever the cause, it is common knowledge that the disease is not bacterial nor viral. Rather, it is caused by concentrated molecules of radioactive awesome.
Jeandiss is, potentially, the easiest disease in the world to diagnose, as the symptoms are possibly the most prominent. While reactions to the radioactive awesome may vary from patient to patient, the basic symptoms remain the same. The primary symptom of Jeandiss is explodia of the arms and legs (peripheral), torso (abdominal), and/or head (cephalic). This means that sufferers experience rapid explosions of the affected areas, often with diasterous results. This, however, is usually limited to more extreme cases, as more minor offenders are allowed to repent. Thank you, O Heavenly Jean. For those aforementioned individuals, there are still a host of hellatiously awful symptoms that accompany the disease including dissipation of internal structure (your guts melting), subdermal and/or superdermal hemmorhaging (bleeding), spontaneous combustion (Oscar Wilde), inexplicable exposure to Chevy Chase movies (comparable to chemical castration) or bone-cracking facepunches from Jean Reno.
edit Epidemic Outlook
A recent census shows that Jeandiss affects 99% of the world's population with various rates of affliction (see image right). However, it is interesting to note that the 1% of the population constitutes the populations of Japan and Nebraska. Studies have shown that Japan is unaffected due to their unnatural obsession with Jean Reno (comparable to Germany and David Hasslehoff). Nebraska, however, has stumped many experts, though it has been scientifically proven that no Nebraskianite in history has ever insulted Jean Reno. The late (and far from anything construed as great) Dr. Adrian Rogers poses this theory concerning Nebraska's lack of affliction:
“ More than likely, because Nebraska is the last state anyone would think of.”
At any rate, Japan and Nebraska remain not only the best choices to avoid contracting Jeandiss, but also the safest places in the world. So congratulations, you corn-husking sons of bitches.
There is no cure for Jeandiss. Even with treatment, it may be possible to spread Jeandiss. Experts suggest letting the awesome run its course, somewhat like a cold. A horrifyingly pseudoforgiving common cold. As well, it is possible to speed up the process by making amends with Jean. Such amends may include:
- Saying a prayer to Jesus, God, God-Jesus, Frank Sinatra, and Jean Reno, in that order. Note: failure to do this in order may result in an unrelentingly painful shitkicking by Frank Sinatra.
- Suffering through a Tom Clancy novel, though this has been found to cause disconcerting symptoms on its own.
- Removal of the pharynx by means of Burt Reynolds.
- Finding Waldo.
While these methods have been scientifically proven to speed up the recovery process, none are exceptionally advisable. Finding Waldo, especially, is the least advised.