User:Mordillo/armed commercials

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“Our brave warriors always drink Coca-Cola just before blasting the infidel dogs to smiterins. DIE INFIDEL DOGS! DIE!”
~ Hassan Nasrallah on Armed Commercials

edit Introduction of Concept

The first armed commercials were introduced during WWI, when wars ceased to be a sort of funny and amusing game of the royalty. Starting a new age of modern Warfare the people in charge found out that killing their neighbours is becoming a very expensive gig. If, in the past, the warlords had to pay for horses, sharp pointy objects (i.e. swords), tons of metal to be worn and all sorts of silly banners, they found out that the cost-benefit of modern wars is by far different.

Modern warfare demanded the warlords to supply their armies with funds. And that is, in abundance, to support the ever growing modern arsenal.

NOT ANYMORE will the weapons and uniform be based on B.Y.O. EVERYONE wanted uniform and EVERYONE wanted the big gun. Bloody wankers. And of course, you realize, big guns and shiny uniform cost money. And loads of it.

Remember the sharp pointy objects? Well, they're gone. Yeah. And instead you get those noisy tractors with barrels sticking out of every damn orifice AND those idiotic pipers swooshing from the skies going :wakka wakka wakka wakka!!! and KABOOM! and such. Those sound effects and orifices cost the warlords. In fact, some of them had to give up their sons higher education fund or future therapist budget in order to fund their little wars. And so came the time, when those warlords thought to themselves: genoeg! assez! genug! abbastanza! or any other god damned way of saying enough! someone has to pay for our expensive little hobby, and we bled our peasants dry already! What better way to fund our little wars but....

Commodities. Yes.

And how does one sell Commodities?

Commercials. Yes.

Wartime commercials.

Armed and nasty with pointed sharp teeth commercials.


That will do the trick.

edit Implied Commercials: The Napoleonic Wars

The year is 1799, Napoleon Bonaparte marches the first ever volunteering force on the European soil. An army of men, an army of citizens. A people's army. A French people's army. As Frenchman do, they cannot properly surrender triumph without supplying themselves with adequate supplies of red wine and smelly cheese. Imagine if you will, a army sketch artist placing a drawing pad on the fields of battle and draw the French soldiers as they munch on their cheese. And then, that picture "accidentally" finds its way to the '"Fromage Puant Incorporé" in Paris. And just think about the brilliant owner spreading those sketches all over Paris with the caption: "Support our soldiers! they are big and strong French and they fight their way across Europe nurturing themselves with stinky cheese". Implied commercial? We'd think so.

edit World War One - The Collapse of Colonial Powers

The collapse of the colonial powers of the old world have brought forth the ever growing need to fund the nations' need for the never ending delight in eradicating its neighbors. The Russians, being a clever nations of merchants, initiated the first ever official commercial campaign to fund the war effort. The initial Russian plan was to add the following banners as part of the official insignia of the Royal Czarist Cossack Cavalry: Ввпейте водочку для того чтобы погасить вашу жажду для немецкой крови! (Drink vodka to quench your thirst for German blood!). Just think of those lovely banners waving in the cool Siberian wind as the Cossacks charge, a rifle in one hand and bottle of Moskovskaya in the other. Lovely.

Lucky for us all, the never ending Communist Party nationalized all Vodka somewhere around October 1919, and we were all spared of the sight.

Quote1 Wouldn't you prefer to eat baked beans now rather than being run over by this rather large tank? Next time, before you go to war, EAT HEINZ! Quote2

The English however, caught on the Russian's idea and soon after you could catch sight of enormous British Mark I charging, the tank commander standing on top his eyes blazing in untamed fury, and on the side of the tank you could see an gigantic encouragement to eat more of Heinz's Baked Beans. [1]

edit Footnotes

  1. Which is extremly silly when you consider it, since Heinz didn't even operate in the UK prior to the sixties.
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