From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
- NOTICE: The name of this article is too long and unmemorable.
XZ7-543532465-346ASDF000037 B is an M-class planet, the second of four hundred fifty-three, orbiting the type-G3.14 star XZ7-543532465-346ASDF000037. XZ7-543532465-346ASDF000037 B is also confirmed to have received a clone of Doub-O from Neptune.
XZ7-543532465-346ASDF000037 B was discovered on April 20, 1889 by the martyred shampoo salesman Sir Waterius Fountanada of New York City using a telescope smuggled to him inside a vending machine vending machine made by Leonardo da Vinci. For his discovery, Emily Dinkinson knighted him and gave him the Obnoxious Undercover Couch Harpist Award. Because of his OUCH he made numerous deals to sell his book, Sweet Treats Made With Blood Sugar.
edit Encounters with sentient penguins
The questioned discovery of life on XZ7-543532465-346ASDF000037 B was not made until the year 1415, when Mr. Popper happened to skip a stone off of his swimming pool. The stone bounced off the back of the pool and onto Mr. Popper's forehead, knocking him unconscious. When he aroused, he noticed that he was flying slowly into the air on a bed of nails. After a scream of thirty seconds, he noticed he still was not inside the alien ship, so he screamed again. When he was taken into the ship, a group of cyborg penguins escorted him into a room filled with Coca-Cola and a conservationist moose named Save. Save lectured Popper on the importance of wildlife conservation, breaking glass, listening to electric flute music, and not huffing kittens. Popper was then escorted into a Buick-shaped room by a Pain-G'wynn (as the aliens were called) named Rexiforportifuspontoforxpilliciz. Rexiforportifuspontoforxpilliciz pressed several buttons and a Happy Meal materialized in the center of the room. After sharing the Happy Meal, the alien pressed more buttons, bringing some Starbucks coffee. Finally, the alien summoned a star map. He indicated where Earth was, also showing fourteen planets in the Earth system (and six interplanetary gas stations with McDonald's with them), and then indicated their own solar system in Andromeda. It is here that the Pain-G'wynn name for the planet was revealed, An T'ark-Ti'kah. Once they had viewed an episode of M*A*S*H, the sentient penguins deposited Popper in a trash compactor next to the van down by the river. Numerous other encounters have been reported since then.
Numerous critics came challenged Popper's claims to live on An T'ark-Ti'kah.
edit I.M. de Tractor
Among these critics was I.M. de Tractor. De Tractor stated, and showed using differential calculus, bistromathics and accounting math done in the hexadecimal system, that without the evolution of the shredded wheat piece, Chex could not evolve, and, by the same token, there would be no sentient penguins. His views were upheld by a large part of western Europe and Euthanasia for four hundred years.
edit Rayne Klowd
Rayne Klowd, a Sri Lankan hot dog vendor, attempted to carve a model Pain-G'wynn out of soap. When it fell to pieces, he tried to purchase some books on organic chemistry, but, finding that Border's did not have any in his price range, bought a computer programming book instead. In 1989, he attempted to reconstruct the genetic code of a Pain-G'wynn using a mysterious piece of cloth that had been in existence since sometime around 980 A.D., the Cloth of McMurdo. He got permission to sample a thread off of the cloth, known to have come in contact with a Pain-G'wynn when their colony ship Marcia D. Penguin crashed to Earth in 980 A.D. during the famous March of the Penguins (some of which was captured on film). When he tried to integrate the genetic material he sampled with a hot dog, a lizard-like lifeform materialized, said "Deus ex machina!", and degenerated into cookie crumbs. Because of this, Klowd publicly stated that Pain-G'wynns could not exist; the McMurdo Cloth, he claimed, was actually an experimental wrapper used to store Big Red chewing gum. For the rest of his life, he lectured on the subject.
Simba claimed that his wife could channel alien consciousnesses while listening to loud System of a Down music. Many times, she claimed that Pain-G'wynns could not exist because of a flaw in the calculations of the early Universe Computer (UC)--an error catastrophe in the equations governing the behavior of boron atoms caused a cascade failure in Roquefort cheese. Oscar Wilde repeated these calculations in 1941, getting the same result. However, Stephen Hawking (see below) found a way around the setbacks--by finally remembering to carry a 4. This forgotten 4 caused all steps after and inclusive of the 290,000th to be fallacious. Despite Hawking's 1991 breakthrough, Simba and his wife steadfastly clung to their beliefs.
edit The Other Side
Others claimed that Pain-G'wynns could, in fact, exist.
edit Ima Opt Immist
Immist, born in 1655 on the planet Barcelona, used the Law of the Conservation of Spaghetti to show that if an H-bomb detonated sometime during Earth's Twentieth Century, a Tempo time distortion would occur. This meant that a time vortex would form between the late 1980s or early 1990s and send a white Ford Tempo GL back through time to the birth of An T'ark-Ti'kah, seeding the planet's primordial soup with rust and oyster crackers, thus allowing for the evolution of sentient penguins.
edit José Cañusí
Cañusí was a software engineer from Boulder, Colorado. In 1436 he independently came to the conclusion of intelligent penguins because he decided to have some fun with C4 plastic explosives and Pop-Tarts. He used algebra and cereal geometry to show that sentient penguins in the Andromeda Galaxy were possible. Added to that was a mysterious rock (the Boulder Boulder) inside of which was a spark plug bearing the Latin inscription ALL YOVR BASIII ARE BELONG TO VS TIIIH PAIN-GVVYNNADA.
Adams, famous for discovering the fundamental Equation of Everything (6*9 = 42), and getting knighted by the Beatles for it, also showed, via Improbability Drive physics, that penguins with opposable flippers could exist given a number of variables, which could vary widely without changing the net result. He was knighed (again) for this discovery by Sir Elton John and went on to write fiction based on his equations.
Hawking was the first to use quantum physics to prove the existence of the Pain-G'wynns. By modeling the early universe, he found that a black hole would eventually cause so many virtual particles to congregate near the XZ7-543532465-346ASDF000037 system that the lifeforms there would mutate and become intelligent. By calculating the curves in a pool of bean dip when a tortilla chip is dipped at a 26.3104-degree angle at 0.0013 kilometers per hour, Hawking showed that the Universe would have a certain critical square milage of Australia that would cause a Victrola to evolve on the planet. One of these, according to calculations and legend, spontaneously combusted, which altered the genetic code of the Sony Walkman that evolved on that planet to produce the ancestral Pain-G'wynns. Hawking also proved that this was not only a possibility but a most probable occurrence, with a mind-boggling probability of 199.99979% +/- 3.14159%. In 1991, Hawking famously corrected a late, non-Adams segment of Equation of Everything (starting with the Hitchhiker Equation, 6*9 = 42), which had until that point been erroneously solved, by carrying a 4 in the 209,000th step.
edit In the News
The debate over life on XZ7-543532465-346ASDF000037 B raged on for almost five hundred years until a dust particle on the space shuttle Discovery was found to be from the planet of the penguins. This rekindled the debate in the favor of the so-called "lifers" and NASA, which was able to create 43,000 new jobs in such fields as cartooning, juggling, and kids' television series mascots.
edit Recent Observations
The first recent observations of XZ7-543532465-346ASDF000037 B were from the Tiros II weather satellite on July 12, 1963. NOAA tried to aim the camera at a Burger King, but missed wildly, capturing the planet in a photo. More recent photographs from the Hubble Space Telescope show the planet as having what appear to be advanced military bases, clowns, and sitcoms.