User:Mordillo/Jew

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What Is A Jew, and how can it amuse me?

Jewbacca
Jewbacca (Hairy Sephardic Jew).

Let us begin with the basic assumption that a Jew is not laughing matter. Jews will not amuse you. Hence the second part of this title is invalid. Let me rephrase that. Hold on.

What is a Jew?

a Jew is a collaborative derogative expression referring





Sephardim

Sephardic Jews, or SuperJews, are close to the original Mizrahi Jews but slightly Africanized, making these Jews ferociously militant people who will not stop until they get the job done. Some have been deemed to have extraordinary powers, but after World War II this myth was tragically disproven. This is expressed most explicitly in the hard-nosed investigative reporter, Geraldo Rivera, whose no-nonsense demeanor has made him one of the best Jewish reporters of this century! Also among those greats are Bill Cosby, Zorro, and Maimonides, perhaps the greatest Jew who ever lived, as well as Jewbacca.

Their traditions include the mystical musical tradition of Flamenco, which they use during Torah recitals, Yoga, also used during Torah recitals, and Jew-Do, which they invented (also see Jedi).

They enjoy fighting for truth, justice, and the American way, and are also good chefs, specializing in ethnic cuisine, as well as being managers of numerous stores and various concerns.

Ashkenazim

Ashkenazic Jews (pronounced "Ash can Nazi"): Known popularly as "International Jews" or "Hollywood Jews" or simply (place out-dated slurs here) are basically white people with some Arab in them. It is not known where exactly they come from, but most scientists conclude that they hail from some parts of Germany (in his borders of 1942) (though Father Yukon says Alaska is the home to the great white Jew, known for it's ferocity).

These Jews are known for being business like and cultured. They are also known for being racist hypocrites with a victim complex. Their favored passtimes include capitalism, fussing, philosophizing, bulldozing Gaza, capitalism, complaining, networking, comedy, and capitalism.

Well known Ashkes include director Steven Spielberg, Albert Einstein (inventor of the light bulb, which he stole from Tesla to get back at him for what he said about the unfeasibility of nuclear energy), Steve Ballmer, wacky inventor Simon Bar Sinister, Captain Kirk, Kirk Douglas, Harrison Ford and Superman.

There are at least three sub-catagories, these classifications are based primarily on income level:

Yids (this is a generic term for Ashkenazim with an annual income below 1,000,000, most are lovable and wise realists, or sometimes cheats, but most often have to contend with allot of nervious dissorders and bad luck, they are also the ones to pay first for the Kike's/Khazar's sins). Note, one can tell most Yids by their names, most, like the Sephardim, have Biblical surenames, such as Jacobs', Davidmen, Abramen, Abrams' etc, etc there are also some Kohenim, though many are Kikes, as well as Freidmen.

Kikes (Ashkenazim with incomes at least beyond 1,000,000, though most often recieve far, far more than that, these guys are pretty tough and tend to control allot of things, many of them are actually gangsters, they also tend to disslike anyone not of "our crowd", including other types of Jew, especially low class Yid Ashkies, most if not all are also Freemasons). Most Kike names relate to money, such as the Silvermen, Goldmen, Rothmen (rubies), and then there are "The Pricious Steins" (Goldstein, Rothstein, Schwartzstein, Silverstein, etc). There are also many Koheinim and Freimen up here two.

JewGoth (see Gnostic, usually the rebellious children of Kikes, many of them try to piss their parents off by becomming Messianic, Anarchists or Neo-Nazis; yes that really happens, see The Believer, the smarter ones however become Communists, or better yet, Anti-Masonic Socialists ;-). See also: Self-hating Jew

Invented Yiddish to curse with in a whiny voice (Yiddish, like English, was practically built to contain large amounts of profanity), Hollywood (and most lousy sub-genres from the 1930s until now, and subsequently, Americana kitsch), gravity (Isaac "Fig" Newton), and Great Britain). They are also known for their brilliant innovations within the Jewish faith by inventing the successful sects of Freemasonry and Communism (both based on Kabbalism, a Khazar religion).



Big-Nosed People

Jews have very big noses, It is scientifically determined that they can smell money better than normal people. This is mainly used as a money-detector. It is also used to obtain more air, due to its low cost.

Can My Jew Transform Into a Piano?

For centuries, Jews in Europe were hunted down and forced to transform into pianos in response to a claim made that the Jew Harp, with its ten strings and ability to look snazzy and travel well, was "overstepping its bounds". After millennia of turmoil, the Jew Harp is making a comeback.

You Mixed Your Jew with My Chocolate!

Chocolate Jew is the greatest of the 17 deadly sins, and second greatest of the 17,876,863,874,966,523 not-so-deadly sins. Anyone found eating a chocolate Jew would immediately be excommunicated by the greatest power in the whole world, purple kittens.

If My Jew Becomes a Piano, Is There a Refund?

No, any Jew piano will not be refunded. However, a Jew in the the non-piano form can be traded for 30 silver coins or your choice of a flavored bagel. See also pianist.

What's That On Their Heads?

These are called "Jew-beanies" (also Yid Lids, or Targets if you're German) . They are universal in size, but varied in syle. The more elegant Jew may wish to decorate his/her Jew-beanie with ornaments, such as beads and mirrors. Young Jews regularly nag their parents for a more stylish Jew-beanie ("Mummy can I have that Jew-beanie? Malachi has it!"), and this is understandable, as the more maxxed the Jew-beanie, the more Jew you are, and consequently no more Jew-to-Jew name calling in the local synagogue.

Also, these caps become handy in times of conflict. As they have paper-thin edges along the rim of the skull piece, they are ideal throwing weapons. One simply tosses the hat like a Frisbee at their foe and stands back as they watch their opponent become decapitated by their Jewish wrath. For example, "Kung Lao" from Mortal Kombat. Or Oddjob from James Bond are both famous jews.

Another abstract object on a jew's head may be what is know as the jew fro. These are messy and unruly and are among the top 3 nastiest types of fro's, trailing only ginger fros and dark people fros.

Sharpton
Al Sharpton, just one of many Jews in America

Jewish Food

The Jewish have a thriving food culture. Most Jews are required by law to eat crackers and sugarless soda. Their most popular dish is crackers in soup which is called Matzo-Ball Soup (tastes just as good as it looks!).

Other delectable treats include grasshoppers in drawn butter (which is much more appetizing then those nasty, cockroach-like shrimp! and is still considered Kosher because grasshopper meat isn't actual meat and can be had with dairy products), honey-nut cheerios (since they live in the land of milk and honey).

There is also a secret formula called manna, a suspected variation of Jew Bread, but the properties are still not well known. When one eats it, it is said to make one completely invincible to one's enemies (unfortunately, it also temporarily ruins one's vision).

Since Jews are disciplined and scrupulous, food is generally expensive, most Jews tend not to even eat that much, but rather sell food; this has been a very, very lucrative industry, especially with the inclusion of Kosher taxes.

Also known as a new delicacy of the Jews is Pork and Shellfish bread, known for its aphrodiastiac qualities.

Jews have also been used as food through out Poland and is the main ingredient in Polish Sausage.

Does Jewland Exist?

Whats a Jew's favorite drink?

Mountain Jew. Plain and simple.

Jews4dummies
An updated version of Mein Kampf revamped for the Internet generation.


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