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Thank you all for meeting me in the Accusing Parlor tonight. If you're wondering what "j'accuse" means, and why I ran screaming it through the whole house, it means "I accuse" in French, and it's what people say when they accuse people of murder. I trust you know why we're all here. After I was mysteriously invited to this party, and after people started mysteriously dying, I decided to put my internet degrees in Criminology, and Criminography, to good use. But to accuse people of homicide, I have to start at the beginning.
edit The Chilling Investigation
I have discovered that the first murder was committed in the bathroom
with a functioning breadknife just before "2 and A Half Men"! There, right in the middle of everything, was the PWNED body of You, the first of the three murders of the evening. After some clever investigation, I saw that, clutched in her right hand, was an autographed photo of the pope... This was interesting, considering the conversation that had occurred at the dinner table... COLONEL MUSTARD!
edit At Dinner
I think we all remember You bragging about her job as a septic tank mechanic. I remember the conversation she had with the Colonel being very awkward: full of pauses and hiccups and throat clearing. Also, she ordered a strange dish for a woman in her position: the liver drenched in chocolate milk. That dish has special significance in Louisiana, as the Colonel well knows. Now, I know for a fact that the Colonel had served overseas in that region for nigh five years. However, dinner was not the only thing linking the Colonel to the crime. It was the second murder that convinced me to start looking for clues.
The second murder occurred two hours after the first. Brad Pitt was found naked in the treehouse with a gun sticking out of his chest. In there with him was a napkin with barbeque stains on it of unknown origin. I recall him telling us, before he went outside, that he had some "business" to take care of. I thought that it was strange that he would go outside so abruptly in the first place, because it was cold. And also there were bats. I don't like bats.
There are some things that you all must know about Brad Pitt before we continue. I had a personal investigator research his past before I called you all in here. Here's what we now know:
- AGE: It's hard to believe it, but Brad Pitt was nearly 97 years old. It's odd, I mean, considering what he did on his days off.
- HOBBY: I have discovered that Brad Pitt had a penchant for cow tipping down at the docks. He has, on numerous occasions, used his knowledge of this hobby at his job.
- OCCUPATION: Brad Pitt used to be a pen ink taster until he was fired... for mysterious reasons. Reasons that neither I nor my investigator could uncover. I'm almost positive that he held a grudge for what he probably saw was an indignity. This grudge manifested itself in strange ways. Few of you probably know of Brad Pitt's sordid past.
- SORDID PAST: Brad Pitt has been convicted on several misdemeanor counts of mayhem. Considering You's occupation, I believe you can ALL see the connection.
This leads me to the, for lack of a better word, "AWKWARRRD" between he and You at dessert-time.
You may all recall the conversation at dinner, when Brad Pitt challenged You to a game of thumb wrestling. When she refused the fourth time, Brad Pitt seemed discouraged. When she accepted on the fifth time, Brad Pitt forced us to watch the two of them play for an hour, and he forced the third murder victim to keep score.
edit The Third Murder: Chronarion
69 seconds after the second murder, Chronarion was found. She had been hung by a noodle in the upstairs closet. If you recall, she kept score of the "game" between You and Brad Pitt. However, I bet you didn't know that she was an accomplice to Brad Pitt's various crimes! For 5 years, Chronarion was the mastermind behind Brad Pitt's pot ring! That's right. I bet you didn't know that.
edit The Evidence
edit The Murder Weapons
The murder weapons, you all may have noticed, were all items from Wal-Mart. You also may have noticed that all the murder weapons, except for the suspicious golf trophy, were stained with the victim's blood afterwards.
edit The Satin Glove
At each crime scene, a satin glove was found. Oh wait, did I not mention that? Sorry. Aaanywho, the gloves were all of the same size, and Colonel Mustard was seen wearing one at dinner, during the wrestling match, during dessert, and after he found the body of Brad Pitt.
edit The Suicide Notes
At each crime scene, the victim was holding a suicide note. The suicide note was always written in a firm aristocratic lettering with a blue 1997 model BiC fountain pen on parchment scented with whale oil. Of particular note was the suicide note found with Chronarion, which was signed "CM".
edit The Suspicious Cook
The cook, who only spoke in Yiddish, was especially suspicious, considering that he was of Korean ancestery, wore a long twirling mustache, and had a tattoo of two dragons being intimate on his forearm.
edit The Missing Rifle
Even though it was never used, the rifle that was hanging in the trophy room disappeared right before the lights went out.
edit The Electric Failure
Right before, or after, the murder of You, the lights went out. I know that the fuse box is outside, far away from the murder scene. I also know that THE COLONEL used to be an electrician before joining the Coast Guard. However, I will need time to process this information.
edit The Confession Note
The confession note that was found with the suspicious golf trophy reads as follows:
Being of sound mind and body, I, the suspicious Asian chef, hereby declare that I committed all the crimes, and take full responsibility. It was not any of the other guests, including the handsome Colonel, and I did it. I did it, I killed 'em. Signed, CM
However, I'm not fully convinced that the suspicious Asian chef really did write that note, considering that he only spoke Yiddish. It goes in the evidence pile anyway, as evidence that the suspicious Asian chef was lying.
edit The Suspects
After considering all the evidence, and gathering all the clues, I have narrowed down the list of suspects to four.
Every good investigator has to include all the options. Maybe I just forgot that I committed them. Maybe I was drunk. Maybe I was under hypnosis. Maybe I forgot that I forgot. Maybe I was drunk while under hypnosis. I'm not sure. Anyway, I will recuse myself from this investigation because I'm cool like that.
Well, I mean, since there's only three of us, and since your signature, "CM" was on all the "suicide notes", I'm guessing it's you, Colonel. However, like you said earlier, it's true that I could have forgot that I committed the murders, and it's true that I wasn't paying attention the whole time, and it's true that I also know how to fire guns, and it's true that I'm not perfect. Okay, okay, calm down. We still have two more suspects to go.
edit The Chef
The chef, being an Asian, is almost at the top of my list. Asians are a tricky folk, full of tricks and trickery. In spite of that, he was gone when the murders were committed, and his hand didn't fit in the satin glove, which basically clears him... Okay, okay, it's true that he could have a twin... and he IS Asian... and that confession note was nearly suspicious...hmmm...
edit Indian Burial Grounds
This all could be a horror movie, and we're living in a house built on ancient Indian burial grounds. I mean, it could be.
edit The Conclusion
It is as I always suspected: THE CRIME...is unsolvable! I don't understand the link between the clock in the dining room stopping and the second murder. Or the hamster that You brought with her and the missing hunting rifle. Or the suspicious cook, the suspicious invitations, and the bookcase full of human skulls. Or the broken lamp in the living room. This crime is unsolvable, and I'm getting the HELL outta here. I've had enough of this nuthouse.