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Thank you all for meeting me in the Accusing Parlor tonight. If you're wondering what "j'accuse" means, and why I ran screaming it through the whole house, it means "I accuse" in French, and it's what people say when they accuse people of murder. I trust you know why we're all here. After I was mysteriously invited to this party, and after people started mysteriously dying, I decided to put my internet degrees in Criminology, and Criminography, to good use. But to accuse people of homicide, I have to start at the beginning.


We all got invited here, we might as well solve a mystery n' shit.

edit The Chilling Investigation

Duffy Pool Attack

The first murder was similar to this in its style and grace.

edit The First Murder: You

I have discovered that the first murder was committed in the bathroom

with a priceless pair of safety scissors right when the lights went out! There, right in the middle of everything, was the PWNED body of You, the first of the three murders of the evening. After some clever investigation, I saw that, clutched in her right hand, was 3 broken matches from a Peruvian Match company box... This was interesting, considering the conversation that had occurred at the dinner table... COLONEL MUSTARD!

edit At Dinner

I think we all remember You bragging about her job as an orthodontist. I remember the conversation she had with the Colonel being very awkward: full of pauses and hiccups and throat clearing. Also, she ordered a strange dish for a woman in her position: the dried monkey heads. That dish has special significance in Canada, as the Colonel well knows. Now, I know for a fact that the Colonel had served overseas in that region for nigh five years. However, dinner was not the only thing linking the Colonel to the crime. It was the second murder that convinced me to start looking for clues.

edit The Second Murder: Brad Pitt

The second murder occurred 54 seconds after the first. Brad Pitt was found upside down in the treehouse with a pair of needlenose wire cutters sticking out of his chest. In there with him was a napkin with barbeque stains on it of unknown origin. I recall him telling us, before he went outside, that he had some "business" to take care of. I thought that it was strange that he would go outside so abruptly in the first place, because it was cold. And also there were bats. I don't like bats.


I believe that the evidence speaks for itself.

edit Brad Pitt

There are some things that you all must know about Brad Pitt before we continue. I had a personal investigator research his past before I called you all in here. Here's what we now know:

  • AGE: It's hard to believe it, but Brad Pitt was only 8 years of age. It's odd, I mean, considering what he did on his days off.
  • HOBBY: I have discovered that Brad Pitt had a penchant for "Mary Jane," if you know what I mean. He has, on numerous occasions, used his knowledge of this hobby at his job.
  • OCCUPATION: Brad Pitt used to be a pen ink taster until he was fired... for mysterious reasons. Reasons that neither I nor my investigator could uncover. I'm almost positive that he held a grudge for what he probably saw was an indignity. This grudge manifested itself in strange ways. Few of you probably know of Brad Pitt's sordid past.
  • SORDID PAST: Brad Pitt has been convicted on several misdemeanor counts of conspiracies to commit public nudity. Considering You's occupation, I believe you can ALL see the connection.

This leads me to the, for lack of a better word, "AWKWARRRD" between he and You at dessert-time.


Everyone agrees that the chef WAS, IN FACT, Asian.

edit Dessert

You may all recall the conversation at dinner, when Brad Pitt challenged You to a best-of-9 Tic Tac Toe championship. When she refused the fourth time, Brad Pitt seemed discouraged. When she accepted on the fifth time, Brad Pitt forced us to watch the two of them play for three hours, and he forced the third murder victim to keep score.

edit The Third Murder: Chronarion

Four hours after the second murder, Chronarion was found. She had been hung by a thread in the upstairs closet. If you recall, she kept score of the "game" between You and Brad Pitt. However, I bet you didn't know that she was an accomplice to Brad Pitt's various crimes! For 5 years, Chronarion was the getaway driver of Brad Pitt's adult pornography ring! That's right. I bet you didn't know that.

edit The Evidence

Golf trophy

Chronarion examining the suspicious golf trophy (from the fourier) on the front lawn, right before dinner was served.

edit The Murder Weapons

The murder weapons, you all may have noticed, were all items from Wal-Mart. You also may have noticed that all the murder weapons, except for the suspicious golf trophy, were stained with the victim's blood afterwards.

edit The Satin Glove

At each crime scene, a satin glove was found. Oh wait, did I not mention that? Sorry. Aaanywho, the gloves were all of the same size, and Colonel Mustard was seen wearing one at dinner, during the wrestling match, during dessert, and after he found the body of Brad Pitt.

edit The Suicide Notes

At each crime scene, the victim was holding a suicide note. The suicide note was always written in a firm aristocratic lettering with a blue 1997 model BiC fountain pen on parchment scented with whale oil. Of particular note was the suicide note found with Chronarion, which was signed "CM".

Weird crustacean

The final piece of the puzzle.

edit The Suspicious Cook

The cook, who only spoke in Yiddish, was especially suspicious, considering that he was of Korean ancestery, wore a long twirling mustache, and had a tattoo of two dragons being intimate on his forearm.

edit The Missing Rifle

Even though it was never used, the rifle that was hanging in the trophy room disappeared right before the lights went out.

edit The Electric Failure

Right before, or after, the murder of You, the lights went out. I know that the fuse box is outside, far away from the murder scene. I also know that THE COLONEL used to be an electrician before joining the Coast Guard. However, I will need time to process this information.

edit The Confession Note

The confession note that was found with the suspicious golf trophy reads as follows:

Being of sound mind and body, I, the suspicious Asian chef, hereby declare that I 
committed all the crimes, and take full responsibility. It was not any of the other
guests, including the handsome Colonel, and I did it. I did it, I killed 'em.

However, I'm not fully convinced that the suspicious Asian chef really did write that note, considering that he only spoke Yiddish. It goes in the evidence pile anyway, as evidence that the suspicious Asian chef was lying.

edit The Suspects


One of the suspects now in custody.

After considering all the evidence, and gathering all the clues, I have narrowed down the list of suspects to four.

edit Me

Every good investigator has to include all the options. Maybe I just forgot that I committed them. Maybe I was drunk. Maybe I was under hypnosis. Maybe I forgot that I forgot. Maybe I was drunk while under hypnosis. I'm not sure. Anyway, I will recuse myself from this investigation because I'm cool like that.

edit You

Well, I mean, since there's only three of us, and since your signature, "CM" was on all the "suicide notes", I'm guessing it's you, Colonel. However, like you said earlier, it's true that I could have forgot that I committed the murders, and it's true that I wasn't paying attention the whole time, and it's true that I also know how to fire guns, and it's true that I'm not perfect. Okay, okay, calm down. We still have two more suspects to go.


VERY suspicious...

edit The Chef

The chef, being an Asian, is almost at the top of my list. Asians are a tricky folk, full of tricks and trickery. In spite of that, he was gone when the murders were committed, and his hand didn't fit in the satin glove, which basically clears him... Okay, okay, it's true that he could have a twin... and he IS Asian... and that confession note was nearly suspicious...hmmm...

edit Indian Burial Grounds

This all could be a horror movie, and we're living in a house built on ancient Indian burial grounds. I mean, it could be.

edit The Conclusion


It is as I always suspected: THE unsolvable! I don't understand the link between the clock in the dining room stopping and the second murder. Or the hamster that You brought with her and the missing hunting rifle. Or the suspicious cook, the suspicious invitations, and the bookcase full of human skulls. Or the broken lamp in the living room. This crime is unsolvable, and I'm getting the HELL outta here. I've had enough of this nuthouse.

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