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Mealstrom C. Deucebag(1619 - 1916) was an American writer and convicted child molester.


Born the son of a Polish prostitute and a Brazilian vaudeville star, Mealstrom began his life in the sleepy town of Tough Shit, Arkansas. Reportedly, his mother went into labor while performing fellatio on legendary character actor Celine Dion.

As a child, he was inquisitive. According to his mother, he would often attempt fornication with local wildlife, including pine cones. He allegedly gave a rim job to Dick Cheney, and by the age of twelve was the star in his sunday school production of The Emperor's New Vagina, which claimed the lives of more than 30 of his fellow students.

His big break came when he was 16, and was invited to service Darth Vader under the table at a congressional dinner. Vader was quoted as saying "I'd hit it." following his star-studded performance of "The Vagina Monologues," he was proppeled to the top of the Forbes "Wealthiest Assholes in the Whole Fucking World" list.


Tragically, at the age of 36, Mealstrom was wrongfully convicted of child molestation for sodomisng a new-born kitten. Having lost his fame and fortune, he died after being fatally wounded by Ann Coulter in retaliation for his botched operation to remove her penis.

Following his death, a memorial was erected in front of the whorehouse where he spent his formitive years, with a plaque bearing his famous quotation: Goddamnit Alice! Get out of the mutherfucking bathroom, I'm packing a shit the size of Rhode Island!

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