User:MaxPayne/Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion
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- Not to be confused with The Elder Scrolls: Oblivious, or The Llama Scrolls: Bolivion, which would have been a weird confusion to make (unless, of course, you're Captain Oblivious, or whatever...)
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion is a tale in which old men with severe mental issues write scrolls (elder scrolls) to teach younger men how to be extremely promiscuous, have alcoholism and drug-addiction issues, commit senseless murders, and where to find the cheapest pornography to buy. This is the fourth chapter in the series, as you start out as this drunk loser who has somehow locked himself in his greenhouse with only the clothes on his back, goggles, and a baseball bat, and then a miracle occurs. An emperor by the name of Urine Septic appears right in front of your greenhouse with two uselessly-large, steroid-pumped lackeys. And you know what he does next? The emperor reminds you how to use a bat and you smash your way out of the greenhouse. You then must fight your way through a hedge maze full of Playboy playmates in parkas who refuse to take their clothes off in front of you. The Emperor, Uri, dies promptly of cholera as soon as you leave the maze. His two lackeys (one of which has a wallet with Bad Motherfucker written on it) give you an extremely heavily locked suitcase and tell you to deliver it to Joe Free.
edit Weynon Priory
You arrive at Joes pizza house, where you are supposed to give the Amulet of Things to this Bartender who has mad sword skills. Upon arriving, you can either give him the amulet or refuse to talk to him completely and steal his horse. The latter is more fun, but he gets pissed at you and comes with you with a samurai sword. The best bet is just to give him the damn necklace. After that, he will tell you that he needs you to find the long-lost forgotten heir to the throne, the Emperor's sister's daughter's cousin's brother's roomate's father-in-law's dog, mr woofy.
edit Siege at Kvatch
The first thing you face at Kvatch is a mysteriously placed door in the middle of a burning plaza. Hundreds of business executives come rushing out and beat-up the Kvatch guard. The captain of this guard, Save meMattius, hands you a chainsaw and tells you to fight your way to the door and cut and enter. You must cut your way through countless executives with your saw until you enter an OCD-friendly meeting room. There you find a french-maid with a key hanging from her upper leg being held prisoner. You convince her to give you the key using the conveniently-placed flower boquet on the meeting table and grab the key. You then open a drawer where you remove an orange stone and close the portal to this meeting room. Mr woofy is then found in his kenel and you must take him with you back to Joe's pizza house. There you will find that Joe has been attacked by the CEO of a rival corporation, Wanker caMoron, the leader of Joes greatest rival,KFC, and you must find the location of his secret corporate headquarters and steal the suitcase back.
edit Mythic Dawn Shrine
You will find that a lizard in the Imperial City university (not an Argonian Man-like Lizard, just a skink) is on top of a very important book called "How to find another book that will get Urine's suitcase back". You must read it and travel to a shrine in the Imperial City Central Park and use the map on it to find the location of the secret headquarters. You may then travel there (usually on horseback, but an automobile works fine too) and attempt to infiltrate the Mythic Dawn, a secretive paper supply company that worships the evil daedra lord George Bush.You find that the suitcase has been taken by Wanker and that the only thing left is a book that is called "How to open a portal to the location of Urine's amulet". You must then take it and escape from the HQ, fighting your way through the business executives, and kill Wanker's daughter, Tina Fey. Once you return to Fartin, give him the book and ask him to read it to you. He will tell you he needs four objects, but then quickly corrects himself and says he only needs one object, to open a portal to Wanker's vacation spot so you can take back the suitcase. You need the stones of a stoner. You will also learn that this place is in fact not the location of the fabled Dead Dark Elf Storage; because storing dead dark elfs is not the mythic dawn's fucking business.
In this mission you find that Chuck Norris is guarding Curtis Jackson and his crack stones. You obviously can't fight Chuck (DUH!) so you must challenge him to a game of Texas Hold 'Em. Both of you grab each other's balls and squeeze as hard as possible. Since he has balls literally made of a steel-titanium alloy, you have to go back to Fartin, who will give you a sturdy wrech enchanted with the blood of Chuck Norris to make it as strong as ever, and you can go back. Make sure to win, then he will politely give you a few of Curtis's crack stones. Take them back to Fartin and let him open a portal into Wanker's vacation spot and enter.
(If you wish to play Texas Hold 'Em with a friend, and I suggest you dont, the winner is whoever can squeeze harder and cause more pointless pain.)
edit The Battle for Brewma
This is the hardest quest in the entire game. After retrieving the crack stones, you find out that they are not good enough to be able to open a portal to Las Vegas Paradise. You need another orange stone, but since you were a complete ass and spent it enchanting your rusty iron shortsword, you have to allow the business executives to open another portal to Oblivious. You, Fartin, Joe, and a few Brewma Militia who are all identical male twins, you must fight back an entire army of demonic brethren (also known as Celebrities) and close the orange portal once it opens before a giant orange traffic cone comes to destroy the entire world. You have a three hour time limit, in which time you couls stop right in the middle of Oblivious and cook a five-course meal for all the celebrities, and then go take out the big orange stone the exact same way you do all the others. If Fartin survives, he must take the orange stone and use it to enchant the crack stones and open a portal to Vegas.
Your now in a large Las Vegas casino, full of ascended imoortal celebrities who lost their lives in the service of Wanker. It is a nice peaceful setting and everybody is laughing and having a great time, except for Wanker, who is repeatedly whispering in your ear through a psychic connection like some weird gay emo stalker. Then you team up with Brad Pitt and George Clooney, former Mythic Dawn "sleeper" agents, who devise a plan that is almost exactly like the plan that was executed in Ocean's Eleven. After fighting through many evil lizard bodyguards who attack you. Don't worry if Brad or George die while searching for Wanker; they will just resurrect in the next room like nothing at all happened. Typical of Hollywood. When you fins Wanker, after a whole lot more of ear-whispering, he will summon his two children, Tina and Bob the Builder to come attack you. At this point equip you best weapons and slaughter them mercilessly, then take his necklace. The casino than magically blows up, and you dissappear in a taxi that goes back to Fartin. Give him back the necklace. He says that he has to go light a candle in the Imperial City. You must go with him and fight countless of disgruntled underpaid immigrant workers until you reach the Temple of the Dragonfires.
edit The Imperial City
This is the centerhold of the illegal crap that goes on. Consider it the San Andreas of Tamriel. Why? A group of people, who so wisely chose to keep themselves discreet by calling themselves the Thieves Guild, has its headquarters there. HQ is located in the grand location of...a garden located outside of a ghetto, located just outside the city walls. You'd think that the only organized Mafia of Cyrodiil would do better than that. Sad.
edit Light the Dragon Fires! Again!
This mission is the final one and is the funnest one. Here you must force Martian Semen to catch these french fries on fire. But back in these days(when Oblivion takes place), they called it Dragon Fries. But after that tasty snack of course, you must go to the temple and light the dragonfires candle. After that you will find that Fartin will open the suitcase (Somehow)and take out a ruby necklace. Then the daedra lords attack for final assault on the world to keep Martin from lighting the candles. You fight your way through many of the immortal daedra lords, the highlights include Agent Smith, who you fight in an epic kung fu battle until you realize that you cannot beat him. After slaughtering the entire city guard, Smith turns his attention to You, who flees to the temple of The One, where Fartin takes out a ruby necklace and uses it to make himself into Neo, and they duel in an epic battle while the character is completely frozen in place like a fag and can't move, for reasons the game has yet to explain. Neo wins, but the price for bending the rules of the Matrixis to turn into a rock. And that is the end of the main storyline, but of course you can do the trillions (literally) of unconnected side quests.
These Side-Quests include:
- Go Fetch.
- Kill 'em.
- Steal some shit.
- Guard some fucktard.
- Tic Tac Toe.
- Spinning Chinamen and/or Downies Around.
Fun for hours and hours on end!
Epilogue? There was an epilogue? When?
edit Other Things
There are many other things to do such as:
- Kill Civilians
- Raid Dungeons
- Kill Civilians
- Do Side Quests
- Kill Civilians
- Edit your face to look like Michael Jackson's and kill and teabag evrything in sight that's dead
- Ride Cute Horsies...Then Kill Them
- Experimenting with large amounts of Prozac and Morphine.
- uhhh...killing Civilians?
- Overthrow the government
- Jump off cliffs and temples, and bridges. Oh, what fun!
- Take Skooma!!! the wonderful drug that makes you turn into a jibbering idiot!!!
- Kill any remaining Civilians
- Rinse, Lather, Repeat
- Guessing which end of a chocolate cornet is the butt.
- Delete your save game and start all over again.
- Ask yourself, what would Jesus do?
- Bake a cake! Sponge cake! Yes!
- Jump off things.
- Make apple pie, silly! You like apple pie, don't you, fatty?
- Delete your save game and start all over again to kill more Civilians.
- Do pointless roleplay when you get bored, which means you cannot fast travel or do anything fun.
- Kill a civilian and arrange his carcass into a physically compromising position over a barrel and a dead guard that found you killind said civilian. Now pickpocket them both and remove pants.... wait what!
- KILL A CRAB!
- GET KILLED BY A CRAB [warning - this takes ages, unless you're a complete n00b]
- Do fun stuff with magic
- Amuse yourself with the amount of air control you have when you jump.
- Accidently overwrite your level 40 with a level 4.
- Find Chuck Norris then die a fast, yet horrible and painful death.
- Do a barrel roll.
- Try to go to other countries, then realize that you forgot your passport and be turned away by Border Control.
- Slaughter the entire city guard, only to have them respawn at the end of the day.
- Kill civilians. Then ~resurrect them. Then kill them again.
- Kill everything that moves.
- Play worthless mind games in someone else's perverted Dreamworld.
- Save your game to go an a merciless rampage of killing civilians, only to find that some, no matter how much you stab them, light them on fire, blow them up, or drown them, they will never die. WHY WON'T YOU DIE!!!!!!!!!!
- And kill more civilians.
- Beat the areana to see the adorring fan first you must raipe him then kill him and finally raipe his body.
- kill civilians.
- Then destroy this game!?!
- Say "All your game are been played by me."
“STOP RIGHT THERE CRIMINAL SCUM!”
“In Soviet Russia, CRIMINAL SCUM stops YOU!!”
“Find him and close shut the jews of Oblivion.”
“Excuse me, Mr Septim, whose 'him', and what the hell is Oblivion? Mr Septim... Hello?. Oh, he's dead. Well I guess I'll just have to wander aimlessly around these sewers until I happen to find out. Doo-de-doo...”
“I would heart the Elder Scrolls IV, but my Pentium can't handle the realm of Oblivion. I hate Dremoras.”
“Find him, and close shut the jaws of Henry.”
“Find him, and close shut the jaws of Oblivion.”
“Would you like to give away Amulet of Kings?”
“Why the hell can't I fight from horseback? What's the point of choosing a Knight class if I can't kick ass from horseback with my dwarven mace?!”
“Wilde, you are so stupid. Dremoras are awesome. Clannfears suck, though”
“Oblivions the fourth game.”
“No shit sherlock... oh wait, that's me.”
“I'm sick of these motherfucking dremora, on this motherfucking plane!”
“So this is where I've been sending all those people.”
“THAT would explain the copious amount of corpses dangling everywhere.”
“I made a semi nude breton and locked my door and stayed there for 3 seconds before vomiting.”
“It's not mine! I swear!”
“That was easy.”
“In Soviet Russia, mod installs YOU!!”
“In Soviet Russia, gates close YOU!!”
“In Soviet Russia, guilds join YOU!!”
“In Soviet Russia, arrows dupe YOU!!”
“In Soviet Russia, Nirnroot finds YOU!!”
“In Soviet Russia, game buys YOU!!”
“Why do I close shut the jaws of Oblivion?”
“lulz i pwnd dat dedraz wit mi umbra!!!1”
“In Soviet Russia, Umbra pwns with YOU!!”
“I wanted to reach master-level Child Molestation, and create a Paedo custom class! Why are there no kiddies?”
“I fought a crab over and over again!!!!!!1eleven ”
“Wait.... This isn't Mordor! ”
“Guns don't kill people. My giant enchanted glass battleaxe kills people”