User:Mattsnow/Stephen Harper/shabidoo's edits

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This is not a nauseating image of Stephen Harper and a kitten.

Stephen Harper, born "Stephen Harper", was born on a small farm on the outskirts of what once was the greater metropolitain area of Red Deer. He was the 19th of 20 children and the only one to not only survive childhood, but also survive school. The Harper name, back in those days, had been sullied by a variety of false aligations, true aligations and a variety of shameful events involving the Harper twins and the tragedy that no one speaks of. Stephen Harper was severely bullied in school on a near hourly basis in elementary school and on a minute by minute basis in middle school. By high schol, even teachers joined in on ripping on Stephen Harper, for his fathers short comings, his mothers left-leaning policies and the barbaric acts of the Harper twins, which are not spoken of. With a diploma in hand and an American quarter in the other, Harper boarded a greyhound bus and never looked back to the suburbs of Red Deer, except when he went to visit his family every christmas and some birthdays.

edit The arctic days

Stephen Harper applied to a variety of Universities though none would recognise his dimploma from the Red Deer board of education and was left with the only option to him, go to private University or wait five years and apply as a "mature student". Harper hit the road with only a back pack and his American quarter and decided to explore the great country known as the Dominion of Canada. His first stop was in the Arctic circle where he picked up work as an asbestos miner and a seasonal seal clubber. He gained the sordid nickname "Steel Harper" as he was known to club Harper seals with a cheap aluminum club he bought from eskimos for an American nickel. Harper was greatly liked by all of his work mates and refused to take cocain or visit prostitutes as most other hardy working men in the mines and arctic animal torture grounds. Known as a responsible, dedicated and serious worker, he moved up the ranks quickly and became junior assistan captain to the head of human resources in only three years.

It was while he was on vacation in Alaska one fateful summer that Stephen Harper was introduced to ideals of which he had never encountered in his native Canada. Having broken his nose during an unfortunate agressive teeth brushing session, he visited a local doctor who took good care of him in a luxurious office with friendly smiles and beautiful nurses in ill fitting clothes. At the end, he shook the doctors hand and recieved a small piece of paper with a price at the bottom of it. He had been charged for his visit to the doctor. Never having heard of the concept, lightly went off in his head and he realised that not only should he get the hell out of Alaska before they call him on that money, but that it was one hell of a great idea, having private options for stuff that was once considered so public.

edit The desert days

Tired of the horrid cold and sick of cleaning up seal brain matter, Harper headed for the semi-arid desert of southern Alberta and joined an excavation team in what was the most incredible find in South Western dinasaur archeology, the fossilised Pterydacto egg. While Harper had absolutely no trainig in excavation science, reptilian biology, genetic testing, we was very skilled at brushing away dust ontop of bones and small rocks. Having discovered a medium sized rock, he presented it to the excavation head and convinced him that it was a fossilised Ptryldacto egg. It was during this moment that Harper learned the valuable lesson of leadership: The more you could convince others of how convinced you were of something, the more likely you could convince people to listen to you about the things that you are convinced about. Harpers fossilised Pteryldacto egg went on tour around the world visiting several paelontology departments before it was completely discredited by the scientific community. Harper convinced the owners of the fossilise Pteryldacto egg to send it on tour to various protestant churches were it was well recieved. Over 100 parishes in Europe alone signed the fossil with their names. The fossilised Pteryldacto egg was lost at sea on its way back to Canada. It is said that Harper wept for three days and three nights when he discovered the unfortunate end of his fossilised Pteryldacto egg and could only be consoled by the knowledge that he was the only person to ever claim they had found a fossilised Pyeryldacto egg placing him forever in the history books as a notable person of human history.

edit The lost year in NYC

Harper spent at least an 11 1/2 month period at a brokerage firm in the heart of Manhattan working as a third world country intern. A fairly large though unamable power house in the economic world took in Harper, have him a new clean suit and space at the end of a secrataries desk, to analyse the ongoings of markets and trading so that he might bring back to Canada the concept of competition, supply and demand, tax evasion and insider trading. Harper enjoyed his time in Manhattan and was even known to play trombone solo's in New York's most creative and alternative jazz clubs. Harper was forced to move back to Canada after living in NYC for 53 weeks so he would avoid paying taxes to both the USA and Canada. He ended up paying them instead to a small Island in Bermuda where he was registered as a resident on they day that he was born, though the records also show that he was born 3,000km away from the Island. In any case, it was in the financial capital of the Universe, that Harper refined his theory on the failure of the Canadian economy and devised his plan on how to make Canada a better place.

edit Mature Student

Harper was accepted into the University of Saskatoon as a mature student on the provision that he get at least a C in most classes and fail no more than 2 classes in one year. Harper ended up failing three classes though the dean mad an exception for Harper due to the scary reputation his family name had in the wheat growing region of Canada. Harper completed his BA in Human Rights while completing an online MBA at the Open University of the Grand Cayman Islands as well as a Law Degree via written correspondence through the University of Tahiti. His MBA thesis was a comparative study of the Canadian, American and Cayman Island economy. He discovered many startling facts about each economy and his argument propeled him into international economic theory stardom. His main ideas were as followed:

  • Canada would not catch upto the United States level of competition and free market principles, as long as rich people in Canada were not allowed to do anything and everything they liked.
  • Canada would not be able to catch upto the Grand Cayman Islands high number of bank accounts per population (there are currently 10,000 bank accounts for each registered citizen) unless Canada lowered it's corporate tax rate to 0.0001% or less.
  • America would never catch upto the Cayman Islands fiscal prudence until the United States became a floating Island in the carribean.

Ultimatey Harpers research on comparative North American economics won him the respect and love of Canadas national chamber of commerce as well as the Association for deregulation of asbestos minig and seal clubbing.

edit His first election

Stephen Harper lost his first election bid running for mayor of an eskimo village in the arctic.

edit His second election

Stephen Harper lost a race to become the President of the University of Tahiti.

edit His third election

Stephen Harper lost a race to become captain of his Thursday night bowling club.

edit His third election

Stephen Harper lost a race to become Attorney General of the province of Saskatoon.

edit His fifth election

Stephen Harper lost a race to become Prime Minister.

edit His sixth election

Stephen Harper lost a race to become Prime Minister.

edit His eighth election

Stephen Harper lost a race to become Prime Minister.

edit His ninth election

Stephen Harper lost a race to become Prime Minister.

edit His tenth attempt

Stephen Harper sent Queen Elizabeth a gift basket of maple syrup, a fine horse saddle and an Eskimo prayer stone. She tanked him by naming him Prime Minister to everyones delight.

edit Celebration

Harper was sworn in as the Prime Minister of the Dominion of Canada and Quebec, one day before his 65th birthday and was handed the Canadian Prime Minister wand into his hand by the former Prime Minister who was some French speaking guy that had it for a bit. To celebrate his victory and his 65th birthday, Stephen Harper's mother invited several of his old school friends over and baked a money cake. Stephen Harper had a one dollar coin and was envious of his wife who had a two dollar coin in her piece.

edit Prime Minister

As all good leaders do, Stephen Harper leads by word and word and more word. People travel around the world to learn the art of saying what you plan on doing and why it will be good for you. The Stephen Harper rhetoric style has been copied by leaders of both developed and desparately impovrished nations. In a matter of only three years, Prime Minister Harper has managed to cut out of control government spending, purchase dozens of modern hi tec atomic fueled war jets, clean up crime off the street, repeal gun laws and gun registration, make businesses more responsible, dismantle out of control unions and all of the other essential things a modern leader must do. The action now think tank in Washington has given Stephen Harper four out of five stars for following his convictions and making Canada a better place for those who already have a good life.

edit Retirement

Stephen Harper will most likely retire after his seventh term as Prime Minister at the age of 92. As Stephen Harpers gift of Rhetoric is so god like, he will undoubtedly be free of the curse of senility and as an added bonus, will still maintain full bladder control. Stephen Harper has already commission 50 statues of himself which will be placed around Canada, one statue for every portrait of himself that he has hanging in the Prime Ministers office.

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