User:Mattsnow/Krypton (planet)

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Fantasy Planet

A sunset starset on Krypton

Krypton is a real and non-fictional planet situated in a dead-end corner of the galaxy on Intergalactic Drive just past the Andromedan Taco Bell. It is the breeding ground of an intelligent life form known as the Kryptonites. The planet Krypton contains no Kryptonite (metal), making it a complete mystery as to why the discoverer of the planet named it so. It has been suggested that the name was given in a metaphorical way which is why there is no meaningful reason for that choice at all. Their species' reputation has been derided somewhat as humans are usually quite afraid of people who are nice all the time.

The planet revolves around the mighty star Alpha Centauri, which generously provides Krypton with lighting, heat and atomic nourishment via photosynthesis, and does all of this for free without complaining. The planet has a double inverted elipsical orbit around Alpha Centauri making its trajectory impossible to predict (which also makes it impossible for any intelligent species to land any spaceship on it without hyper-technology or a dose of pure luck). It means that the only people who can visit the planet are very intelligent life forms are those who have a compass and sheer will power. The local inhabitants live harmoniously with nature and they are welcoming to visitors both peaceful and hostile.

edit Geography

As the surface of the planet is mind bogglingly ginormous and so a Kryptonian is very likely to encounter a new fellow species during any particular voyage. When they cross paths for the first time, both Kryptonians will insist that the other one pass by first. This process can last ad vitam aeternam until one of the others dies of thirst. So strong are their instincts of good manners that they would rather whither away than not let a stranger go through the vicinity first. Sadly, this situation is believed to be the main cause of premature death along with over sleeping and infected haemorrhoidal discharge.

Water covers half of Krypton's surface making it a surfer's dream planet and a living nightmare for those who dislike water or land. Even with technology far more sophisticated than Earth's, Kryptonians have been unable to map their entire planet as its diameter equals roughly that of Jupiter times a Nillion making the planet fairly elephantine. Kryptonians are an inquisitive people however they have little interest in documenting and categorising every single fellow Kryptoniados species nor producing a comprehensive map of their world. Google Krypton cars were seen driving around a few Islands recording images of a few Islands, though no one is quite sure who is paying for it and why google wants this information. Kryptonians have no interweb and instead will hop on a boat and roll around or swim (their organic wheels being quite formidable propellers when the proper set of tracks is installed).

edit Composition

The atmosphere is composed of 20 % Plutonium (Kryptonian's oxygen so to speak), 70% Chlorine and 10% Methane. The high levels of Methane can be explained by a high consumption of pulses and brocoli by Krytoniones and the result of such consumption and the following digestive process. The Kryptoniums are also genetically predisposed to acid reflux, which is considered a good thing over there and gives them a pleasant sensation if they ingest a healthy daily portion of chick peas and brown beans.

edit Physiology of Kryptonites

Funny alien

A Kryptonian is rolling around and observing suspiciously a flying star. "Another botched human-made space shuttle which catches fire? Will those guys ever learn?"

Rather than bipedal, the Kryptonions are a non-pedal. They are the only known lifeform without a leg to stand on. Instead, nature has provided Kryptonians a rotating appendage fixed with an organic axle and a mental/physical steering device. In laymen's terms, they are a cross between a man and a Segway.

Their all-terrain appendages are about twenty centimetres wide and are made of soft cartillage, crosswired ligaments and extra large sinews with a rubbery texture. They can inflate or deflate the appendage depending on the terrain. Kryptonicals always travel in pairs. If one of their appendages went flat, their companion would blow air into it to create the pressure/buoyancy that they need to move.

However, over-inflated appendages will burst, which triggers their internal defense system stopping the flow of acids from their gall blatter to the axles. The body then works on overtime to repair the handicapped Kryptoniac with much time and recuperation, much like a human who recovers from a bullet wound. They can also speed up the recovery to be able to make it back home by carrying a spare ligament with Super Glue as a temporary stop-gap solution before the natural recovery occurs.

Kryptoniters are afraid of glass and become ferocious when a delinquent youth drops glass shards (by accident or on purpose). They can become rabid if they find tacks and nails on the ground. This situation is thankfully extremely rare since the inhabitants care about each other.

edit Entertainment

Kryptonians catch radio and digital signals from all other planets thanks to the powerful receptors in their brains. They are avid inter-galactic anthropologists. In particular, they admire broadcasts of Taurusian ballet, Argonian skittle boat races, the Inter-galactic Consul debates, Primuses four dimentional philosophical problem solving and Earth's "Who wants to be a Millionaire".

Young and hip Kryptonian hypsters are particularly fond of the song "Rolling" by Limp Bizkit. However, the group Nine Inch Nails is universally hated along with all other banal, repetative, incessant, drone like music. Latin American dance music causes considerable pain in the neo-cortext of all Kryptonits as well as Hungarian accordian balads or music by Phillip Glass. The incessant drolling of 4/4 beats, the predictable chord structure and general screetching sound reminds Kryptonians of the sounds of their birthing process. The birth of a Kryptonian is quick put painfull involving severe pressure, rapid contractions, cyclical screaming sounds and pulsating uterus muscles. The whole process is considered agonizingly painful for both the mother and new born babies that survive, and Kryptonians will do anything to avoid music that reminds them of this. Hard ganster rap will temporarily disable their mental functions if played loud enough.

edit Psychology and intelligence

Kryptonians possess an intelligence that is pretty similar to human beings, minus the instinct to destroy and murder one another. This translate into a very stable and pleasant society where nobody is trying to get more beautiful rims on their organic wheels than the other.

This also means that the concept of a "weapon" is something the Kriptonyodites don't understand at all, since they are herbivorous and they all appreciate their in-laws.

edit Belief System

ET field

Kryptonians are not the one producing the crop circles: the Zorgonites do. This particuliar pattern means "Please close your rooftops windows at night, we see you in your mating process. Thanks!"

Kryptonians are incapable of understanding the concept of a "personal belief". Their thought structure does not allow for shades of grey, murkey explanations or a string of "maybes". Their cognitive process is one of: yes, no or insufficient information. In fact, they are not ashamed of their ignorance and they find it very puzzling to meet creatures who have "faith" in something that seems made up and non-verifiable.

While the Kryptonians are tolerant and open-minded, they generally tend to be slightly troubled by creatures who don't stop talking about things that don't exist and are disturbed by people who talk about their "personal beliefs" without pointing out that they are imbeciles beforehand.

As for crop circles, Kryptonites usually get blamed for making them. The wheat field impressions are actually made by the Zorgonites from the Norf-Zogzog Galaxy. Even the Zorgonites have no idea why they make crop circles, yet they tirelessly continue to carve intricate designs on Earth at nightime. The Xorxons of the Gaz-Gaz Galaxy suggest that the crop circle theatrics is nothing more than an attention-whoring maneuver. Kryptonivores tend to agree.

edit The five senses in five dimentions

Everyone knows we exist in a realm of four dimentions (the three spacial dimensions and time being the fourth). This is... in fact misleading. Humans are capable of experiencing only four of the infinite number of dimensions that exists. While Kryptoninians essentially exist in four dimensions, their senses are tuned to make sense of five dimensions. This means that Kryptolonians can see and hear everything within their sight and hearing range. It means they can see through walls and see the bowels of their fellow beings. Kyrptonans are aware of their fellow beings' ability to see deep inside of their body and soul, thus they learn at a young age to not be ashamed of their nakedness and therefore they wear no clothes.

When humans eventually visit Kryptomites, they will quietly obverve the pink skinned carbon based creatures covering their skin and shielding their emotional vulnerability. Kryptonanes would cry deep inside if these sad beings got to close to them, but they are not capable of negative emotions and therefore have already prepared strong narcotics incase humans ever do visit, so that their interactions with each other goes more smoothly.

edit Physics

Krypton physics

A simplified diagram of Krypton's physical equation. Questions?

Krypton has a siderial axis wobble that makes one horizontal circuit every thirteen and a half days . Its inert mass is half that of the Earth and its unbilical destabalizing gravity force is equivalent to triple that of the Earth. It goes without saying that with such figures, Kryptonians have a hard time keeping their balance on their planet.

Such unstable movement also creates time recording problems. The Kryptonian year is divided into 13.5 months of which on every 13.5 years they have to add 13.5 days to make up for the wobble and concentrated methane in the air. Every 13.5 centuries (a kryptonian century is 13.5 squared) they must skip 13.5 years in order to balance out the calandar. Kryptonians always carry a mechanial gismo that will help them keep track of it all as only the most intelligent of Kryptonians has any clue what time and day it is.

It is estimated that in 13.5 years there will be a polar shift turning the 13.5 base figure to a much higher 13.6 which would be expected to reap total pandemonium on the planet if Kryptonians were afraid of change or experienced anxiety. Kryptonians are yet to discover the clock and thus have no hourly divisions therefore rarely make any plans. This results in a fairly laid back culture where anything that must be done, gets done at some point and where decisiveness is considered total taboo. When Kryptonians say yes to fellow Kryptonians it should be considered as a likely no, only Kryptonians with severe mental problems say no to anyone for any reason. Such retarded Kryptonians' are treated with kryptonanity by being consumed by fellow Kryptonians when they reach the age of 13.5 so that their physical material can be made useful to the community.

edit Culture

Culture and art and music is an inherant part of the Kryptonians every day life. Songs develop out of a collective phenomena where no one person is reponsible for any particular work. The idea that people get together just to see the efforts of one person (when in reality many people work on it at the very least providing back up music and staging) makes Kryptonians not want to go. Justin Bieber is particulary unsucessful on Krypton as nothing he does comes from collective culture nor a result of any creativity of his own.

edit Krypton in the future

Krypton is likely to remain untouched by the decadence that plagues the Earth (war, famine, Lady Gaga, etc.) and endure through generations of great pioneers that are bound to invent the can telephone and the tuna slicer sooner or later. We must leave you now as humanity has pressing issues to attend to. Kryptonionites, we salute you!

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Confirmed (Extrasolar): Darwin IV | Discworld | Milky Way | Planet of the Apes | Planet Google | Planet Hollywood | Pizza Planet | Dystopia | Techneta | Roseanne
Dwarf planets: Pluto | 2003 UB313 | Jay Leno's Chin | Xanax
Unconfirmed: Garnox | Mantoobia | Unicron
Denied by CIA and IAU: Neopia | MyAnus | YourAnus
In a galaxy far, far away: Alderaan | Coruscant | Tatooine | Kamino | Endor | Naboo | Bespin | Death Star
Members of the Federation: Vulcan | Qo'noS
Invisible Planets:
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