User:Matthlock/WIP/HowTo:Swear In Farsi
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Farsi is one of the most beautiful languages in the world. After reading this article, you'll learn how to make that beautiful language sound un-beautiful.
edit Step 1: Get an English-Farsi dictionary
You can't really learn how to swear in Farsi without this. You can try, but it doesn't really work.
How you can make this happen is by going to a bookstore, and by that mean one of those huge bookstores that are about a mile wide and are in someplace like Portland, and when you get to the Farsi-English English-Farsi section, pick out the biggest, fattest English-Farsi dictionary you can find.
edit Step 2: Buy the dictionary
You weren't thinking about shoplifting, were you?
No, buy the book, pay the cashier whatever the book costs, and enjoy.
This step is especially important since Uncyclopedia does not encourage criminal behavior.
After that you should probably read the dictionary, because the book's kind of useless if you just put it on a shelf, so study it day and night. Read it over and over until you can speak Farsi in any situation you can encounter, whether it's in the workplace, at school, on the telephone, or when you're brushing your teeth.
edit Step 3: Understand the irregularities
Also understand the regularities, but more importantly, understand the irregularities..... Here's something to keep in mind: Farsi is an Indo-European language, just like English, Spanish, French or Hindi. However, Farsi, at the same time, has also been influenced by Arabic, as the Arabs have ruled over Persia for a little while in history.
Perhaps the best way to understand Farsi and its linguistic ancestors is by watching movies in Farsi. I recommend anything by Abbas Kiarostami, or the new Persian film A Separation, which won an Oscar for Best Foreign Language Film, FYI kids.
Also, just watch Iranian cinema for the sheer hell of it, because Iranians are actually extremely good at making movies. Aside from the above-prescribed films, also watch Kandahar, Gabbeh, The White Balloon and the Cow (1968).
edit Step 4: Understand what's taboo
Some cultures aren't offended by all swear words. For example, an Australian would not be offended if you called him a bastard, unless he's an aborigine, in which case he might be offended due to the fact that he's not descended from political prisoners.
A Farsi-speaker could be offended if you say "Oh my God" in a blasphemous way, as Iran is an Islamic republic, whose citizens for the most part are controlled by the Ayatollah, except for the homosexual community of Iran, who are controlled by the Gayatollah.
edit Step 5: Go to a community with a large concentration of Iranians
This is an important step, because this is your best choice, even if and especially if you have family that is Iranian, because you just don't want to offend your crazy Uncle Mahmout. He gets angry enough at you if you swear at him in English, he just might blow a fuse if you swear at him in Farsi. He could pick up bits of furniture and try to insert it in you or even cut your thumb off
Anyhow, if you can't think of a place with a high concentration of Iranians, just go to New York. There are probably a lot of Iranians there, who jumped on the emigration boat to Ellis Island with the Nicaraguans in 1979.
However, if you don't like New York (which if it's due to the rumors that there are alligators in the sewers then you need a new excuse), then you go on a cross-country road trip, searching through every major and minor city in America for Iranians, and if you see a town with a little villa in it called "Little Iran" with its name written in Persian letters, then you've hit the jackpot.
edit Step 6: Wait for the golden moment of opportunity
This step could take several years or even decades before it's able to be put into play. However, waiting for the right moment to offend the Iranians you worked so hard to befriend is the way to go.
People who you shouldn't swear at in Farsi are anybody who looks like they work for the Taliban, your wife (unless she doesn't speak or understand Farsi), any high religious leader, any persuadable child under the age of twelve, or any elder in the community.
You will happily offend the culture you have slowly but surely have fallen in love with. Now here's some of the swear words that will most certainly offend your friends:
- Fuck - دمار از روزگارمان درآورد
- Shit - گه
- Cunt - کس
- Ass - الاغ
- Dick - سوگند
- Pussy - بیدمشک
- Bitch - سگ ماده
- Piss - شاش
- Whore - فاحشه
- Motherfucker - مادر
- Nigga - There's no Farsi word for this, so you're dead out of luck there.
- Horse Fucker - اسب اساسنامه
- Fuck your garden - لعنت به باغ خود را
- Fuck your couch - لعنت به نیمکت
- Fuck your Persian ass - فاک الاغ فارسی
- Penguin-fucker – پنگوئن اساسنامه
- Arrogant Aryan asshole - متکبر آرین تشکر
- Freddie Mercury - فردی مرکوری
- I'm actually a Christian and I've been pulling your leg the entire time, sir - من در واقع یک مسیحی است و من شده است با کشیدن پای خود را در تمام مدت، آقا
Congratulations, you have offended the Iranian-American community by following these steps. If this tool has not been successful, then we recommend that you go back to your English-Farsi dictionary, and then just wait around at home for an outsourced IT phone call or something, and swear at the Iranian in Farsi at the top of your lungs.
Good luck with your adventures swearing in Farsi, and try not to get any body parts hacked off.
- ↑ Also, another example would be that a German probably wouldn't be offended if you called him a wop. You can try, but he'll probably he just laugh.
- ↑ آه خدای من
- ↑ And you'll need that later on for other important stuff, like reviewing movies or plays.
- ↑ کوچک ایران
- ↑ If this Persian is really passionate about his garden, then you've really pushed the envelope there
- ↑ Ooh, you definitely don't want to say this alliteration
- ↑ And is extremely dangerous for you and your country
- ↑ Especially if you're talking to him with a kazoo