A god-awful narrative on how Final Fantasy I changed my life

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[[File:FF1-Madpony.png|thumb|left|Those things with the giant dicks.]]
 
[[File:FF1-Madpony.png|thumb|left|Those things with the giant dicks.]]
[[File:260642 100001070103160 750128702 n.jpg|thumb|This is my ex-girlfriend, Lucille <s>the horse fucker</s>. She dumped me because she said I was too clingy. If you want her, you can have her, but don't let her sky blue eyes, perfectly curved face, straight teeth and rosiness trick you - she's probably going to mess your mind up and then tear your heart up and treat it like it was made of stone, like she did to me.]]
 
 
On the way to Pravoka, we ran into some [[Rolling Stones|wild horses]], otherwise known as Madponies. "Wow, those madponies have huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge dicks!!!!!" said my White Mage. Oh no, not eroticism involving horses. DEAR GOD! This is going to be like [[Horse Fucker|my ex-girlfriend]] and [[Rumor|the Horse Incident]] all over again. NO!!! So <s>the White Mage fucked the horse's brains out</s> we killed the Mad Pony with little hesitation.
 
On the way to Pravoka, we ran into some [[Rolling Stones|wild horses]], otherwise known as Madponies. "Wow, those madponies have huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge dicks!!!!!" said my White Mage. Oh no, not eroticism involving horses. DEAR GOD! This is going to be like [[Horse Fucker|my ex-girlfriend]] and [[Rumor|the Horse Incident]] all over again. NO!!! So <s>the White Mage fucked the horse's brains out</s> we killed the Mad Pony with little hesitation.
   

Revision as of 05:06, September 23, 2012

The world is veiled in darkness. The wind stops, the sea is wild, and the earth begins to rot. The people wait, their only hope, a prophecy…. ‘When the world is in darkness four warriors will come….’ After a long journey, four young warriors arrive, each holding an ORB.

This is the beginning to the greatest game known to all of mankind, Final Fantasy I.

Overview

0483d3a7bfec984d64fb941ec0896099

The largest boost in Garland's career was in 1992, when he made a cameo on an episode of the Simpsons

Redmage-ff1-nes

The Red Mage, flat out pimpin'.

For those of you who are too lazy to bother reading this masterpiece, or even just copying and pasting it onto a word document so you can read it sometime in the future, the objective of Final Fantasy I is to restore these four orbs – one orb represents the power of earth, one represents the power of fire, one represents the power of water and one represents the power of wind – which have lost their luster when four alien fiends – Lich, the Fiend of the Earth; Kary, the Fiend of Fire; Kraken, the Fiend of Water and Tiamat, the Fiend of Wind – decided to come over to this world with three major continents on it, which you’re supposed to save. However there are many other minor “bosses” along the way, including Garland, Astos, the Vampire and the Eye, as well as a major hidden power at the end that’s secretly sock-puppeting the Four Fiends from 2000 years in the past, who I am not going to reveal the name of just yet. You can select between six characters for your four warriors (which you can read up on a little bit more in this section of the official Uncyclopedia article on Final Fantasy I). I'd definitely go with the Fighter, because he's a BAMF. Also, you might need the Red Mage because he's a pimp. The black mage is pretty important also, and he looks like a Vietnamese guy. And although the White Mage looks like a WASP, she's pretty friendly towards non-Anglo-Saxon races and only kills those she's supposed to kill. Anyway, the most important thing you need to know about Final Fantasy I is that you’re supposed to save the orphans bring power back to the four orbs.
FF I Party

Amateur names

Chapter one

Ffscreenie4

Coneria, Jewel of Ireland Final Fantasy.

I am here in the city of Coneria. Everyone here seems in panic. It turns out that the Princess was dropped at the bottom of a wishing well kidnapped. Who kidnapped her? None other than John Wayne Gacy Garland. Damn that bastard Garland! I think.

It looks like we're in for a long game. I gotta pop some Uriah Heep into my CD player if I'm going to make this through.

[I pop Uriah Heep's Demons & Wizards album; 'The Wizard' plays; I sing along.]

So through the forests outside the city limits of Coneria I go, northwest to the Temple of Fiends, where Garland has a hold of Princess Sara! I will rescue Princess Sara and maybe then we'll shag together.

FFNES-GarlandKnockdownQuote

Garland is NOT a bad nigga.

So I arrive at the Temple of Fiends, after battling a few imps, and I meet up with this Garland bloke for the first time. He was all: "No one touches my ho! LIGHT WARRIORS? You white muddafuckas! I, Garland, will beat yo sorry cracka asses!"

So I'm all, "Why don't you go fuck your garden, Garland?"

What I said must have pissed him off, because he and my gang of four got straight into a fight to the death. Garland had an HP of only 106 thankfully, so we kicked his ass pretty easily. It was actually kind of pathetic.

TR-FACH-0106

This is probably what Princess Sara would look like in real life.

So we walk over to the princess, she looked like a cartoon representation of some Swedish megababe, and she's all "Thanks for saving my life, Light Warriors!" and she gives our ringleader a blowjob, which was pretty fuckin' gnarly.

Demons and Wizards

The ultimate Final Fantasy soundtrack.

So we show back up at Castle Coneria. The king is there. He says something like, "Yo nigga, I built ya a bridge, nigga! Thanks for rescuain' my daughta! Come back again soon, Light Warriors! You bad-ass muthafuckas! Now go out to that bridge and over to that Russian-sounding city invaded by pirates. No seriously, there's a lot of trouble going on out there. No seriously, I swear to God! No, I mean it! HONEST TO GOD! Why don't you believe me dammit! I'm telling no lies! God damn it! Does it look like I'm lying? Does it look like I'm lying! I'm not lying! That ain't no joke! You can disappear in smoke! YOU HEAR ME?! DISAPPEAR IN SMOKE! Seriously, be gone. You need to cross that bridge I built and save Pravoka. No seriously. Stop neglecting the bridge. Why are you ignoring the bridge I built for you? You know how many men died building the bridge? Seven! SEVEN! So pay tribute to those seven men and walk on that bridge. Cross the bridge to the continent. Go on! See the rest of the world! Go on with your journey! GO ON! God damn it! I told you to go on! This is it! You four are the world's only hope. So start your journey! Start your journey, grasshoppers. You have much to learn. Much. ......... Why are you still here? Why? WHY? WHY! WHY! WHY! Okay, you got till the count of three. One. Two. Oh wait! The reason you're still is here because I haven't stopped talking yet, have I? Sorry about that, sometimes I let being the king go to my head. I won't bother you anymore. Start your journey. (Don't you) Forget about me."

Chapter two

Finalfantasy

Oh boy... Here we go.

So to Pravoka we went. When we approached the bridge, we were confronted by a troll who wanted us to either pay the 75-cent fee for crossing his bridge, or else he would eat us alive an annoying screen with an image of the silhouettes of the four warriors standing on a hill with a box in the upper left-hand corner announcing the true beginning of our journey.

And so, their journey begins....

So what was the point with fighting Garland?

What awaits the Four, they do not know.

Oh, I know, trust me.

Each holding an ORB, that 2000 years ago shined with beauty from within. But now, only darkness.

Um yeah, I'm pretty sure we already knew that.

Come!! Start your journey! Return the light of peace to our world.

I'll try to, although deep in the cell of my heart, the idea of the fate of the world lying in the hands of four warriors seems preposterous, but I like it anyway.

PROGRAMMED BY NASIR

Wow! One guy programmed this entire game?

CHARACTER DESIGN: YOSITAKA AMANO

Yositaka Amano, I assume he's Japanese or of Japanese descent.

SCENARIO BY KENJI TERADA

Kenji Terada: same thing there.

PRODUCTION OF SQUARE A-TEAM

Ah man, I bet Square A-Team gets a lot of chicks.

[FADES OUT.]

All right, now time for the real journey.

FF1-Madpony

Those things with the giant dicks.

On the way to Pravoka, we ran into some wild horses, otherwise known as Madponies. "Wow, those madponies have huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge dicks!!!!!" said my White Mage. Oh no, not eroticism involving horses. DEAR GOD! This is going to be like my ex-girlfriend and the Horse Incident all over again. NO!!! So the White Mage fucked the horse's brains out we killed the Mad Pony with little hesitation.

We moved onward. To our rights, through the swamp, through the forests, through the plains, then we head south and we're heading near Pravoka.

Final Fantasy 1 map town Pravoka

Pravoka, founded in 1853 by Oleg the Russian Pirate.

Pravoka seems to be like this Sergio Leone spaghetti western-like setting. Very quiet. Hardly a soul around. [The theme for The Good, the Bad and the Ugly plays in my head.]

Oh wait, there's one resident, thank God. What do you have to say, young man? "Help!"

Okay, I'll figure that out later.

Oh, another resident, kind of looks like a punk with his hair all spiked up. He says to me, "This town has been invaded by pirates."

Okay. REQUE THE MUSIC WHILE I GO FIND THESE PIRATES.

Then we run into the big boss, Bikke the Pirate. He says "Aye, I am Bikke the Pirate, and surprised I am that you scurvy dogs have the nerve to face to me. Mates! Get those landlubbers!" or he says something like that. I can't quite remember at this moment.

My warriors are surrounded by nine pirates, which might not be many, and it's even more embarrassing when you realize that each pirate only has an HP of 9. We kill the pirates pretty easily. My Fighter hits like hell, my White Mage hits them too, my Black Mage uses the FIRE spell on them, and so does my Red Mage. We kill eight pirates in two rounds, and the third and final round is reserved for killing the last living pirate, which we sort of use an overhaul on. We won! Every pirate, except Bikke, is dead. YAY!

Bikke proceeds by saying, "Okay, you got me. Here, take my SHIP," or something like that.

Everybody in Pravoka then comes out of hiding and the town is saved.

"There are many dangerous monsters in the sea. Be careful!" warns one resident. Yeah. There is a saying in my family: I DO WHAT I WANT.

AND I'ZE GOT ME A SHIP, BIOTCH!

[I hop into my ship, "Let Me Ride" by Dr. Dre starts playing out of nowhere.]

Just rolling in my 64


Wit all da niggaz sayin'


Slow down, please Dre, stop, and a-let me ride

Chapter three

Anthrax sign

Songs for high-speed boat joyrides.

I can't believe I now have my own set of wheels ores! This is awesome! And this boat comes with a radio/CD player? Ah no way! I got to turn on some tunes that rock!!

Whooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaa


Yeah!!


Racing down the road, in a street machine of steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel


Gears are jammed in full, I'm the madman at the wheel


Got my foot bent to the floor, you can hear the engine roar


I got thunder in my head, I'm metal thrashing maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad


Driving like a maniac


I can't go any faster


I'm burnin' up the road


And headin' for disaster


Got my foot bent to the floor, you can hear the engine roar


I got thunder in my head, I'm metal thrashing maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad


<Gnarly guitar solo>


Whoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaa


Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!'


Racing down the road, in a street machine of steeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeel


Gears are jammed in full, I'm the madman at the wheel


Got my foot bent to the floor, you can hear the engine roar


I got thunder in my head, I'm metal thrashing mad


Got my foot bent to the floor, you can hear the engine roar


I got thunder in my head, I'm metal thrashing maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!!!

Snap000

Kyzokus, the baddest motherfucking pirates to roam the Final Fantasy seas.

While I was sailing my boat across the Aldi Sea at breakneck speeds, we ran into gang of Kyzokus, which are badass Japanese pirates who wear purple, or blue, depending on what kind of pigmentation your television has. (Not like those sissy Russian pirates I killed at Pravoka.) What did the Kyzokus want? The Fistful of Metal CD I was playing on my boat stereo. Like soldiers of metal, we fought to the death for the CD. We won.

1342792580066

I got Coneria under my wraps.

We got back to Coneria for some rest and relaxation. After taking five (and some pancakes and syrup) at the good old inn, we went around town and trapped everybody there except the city sage into a corner. It was a hell of a time.

Tceles b hsup

Backwards talking brooms.

FF1Matoya

Matoya's the bitch sitting in the back of the room.

We then took a little walk northeast of Coneria and by the end of our walk, we found a cave. OOOOOOOOH! SPOOKY!! In the cave were a couple of brooms speaking sdrawkcab and at the back of the cave was a witch - or so she said she was, I think she's probably just an agoraphobic who lives in a cave - who claimed her crystal was missing. She said she couldn't see a thing without her crystal. I think I have a hunch on who stole the crystal, but it might not be who I'm thinking of.

Come to think of it, no it isn't. It couldn't be him at all.

It looks like a need new hunch. I'll travel southwest to ElfLand to see if I can obtain any more information.

Sherlock

"You say your crystal is stolen, we'll get on that."

I traveled across the Aldi Sea from north to south to reach the other end of it to go to ElfLand. Once I got into the city, I ran into an elf who thought was that kind of guy who likes to greet tourists, but you know what that asshat says instead: Yeah, that's right. "Save our Prince!" I was like, "WTF, dude? What's that all about?" I then thought maybe I should go to the castle to get the full story.

Snap059

I'd like it a whole lot better if you just said something like "Hello, and welcome to ElfLand," but no, you just had to burden me with your problems the second I got here.

So I burst rushed into the castle. The two guards at the main gate say this: “Astos put the Prince to sleep. Please! Save him!” Okay. That’s a little bit maniacal for guards, don’t you think?

I hope to obtain more information from a calmer guard that is further down the hallway. You! Yeah you! What do you have to say?

FF I - Astos

Astos just keeps on sounding cooler and cooler.

“Without warning, Astos attacked our castle. Our Prince was laid under a curse, and our treasury ransacked.” Damn! This Astos sounds like he knows how to party!

I then head into the Prince’s chamber, opening the door very quietly so I do not disturb the Prince’s beauty sleep. I run into some dude who I think was like the Prince’s father or something. He says to me, “For five years the Prince has slept under Astos’ spell. Only HERB can wake him!” Who the hell is Herb and where can I find him? I turn over to the Prince, and all he says is, “z…. z….” He is most definitely asleep. I can tell you that for sure.

I walk out of the chamber and into the courtyard. I see another elf taking a cigarette break or something. I talk to him, and this is what he said:

Cquote1 It is said there is a witch who has HERBS. I believe that her name is…. Matoya! Cquote2

Wait a second! That sounds awfully familiar. It sounds like what that one woman in Pravoka told me: “The Elves live across the sea. Matoya’s HERB is the only thing that will wake their prince.”

Wait a second! HERB isn’t a person at all. It’s an object.

<Pause>

Wait a second! Matoya is that woman in the cave I ran into a while back.

My God. This is starting to become an interlocking story.

Alex breathing

SPOILER ALERT: Alex isn’t the real bad guy. The foul English government was the real problem. Alex just liked to rape people, but the damned government stole his free will, and EVERYBODY SHOULD HAVE FREE WILL!

Well, if I need to kill this Astos fellow – God only knows why, because there is nothing wrong with Astos, he just wants to have fun, like Heath Ledger as the Joker or Malcolm McDowell as Alex DeLarge in A Clockwork Orange, which by the way kids, please don’t see that movie; not seeing it will really help your mental health, if only I could turn back the clock and un-watch it, I would be a much happier man – I am going to train up to face him off. But it won’t be easy. I love him. (And what’s wrong with a man stealing his ex-wife’s crystal ball?)


Training

I travel across the Aldi Sea, facing off villainy this way and that; I’m in my boat by the way, I don’t have that CANOE yet. Damn it, I just ruined something for you, please forgive me.

I have impulses. That is, to fight whatever comes in my way, to stop whatever threatens my crew, to end piracy on the seas, not so much in DVD sales, but definitely on the sea. I am going to drive this boat at 60 nautical miles per hour like a crazy man who’s had three straight martinis and I will play my Hawkwind at full blast. No I will not turn it down. I Need it. And also, I’d like to briefly thank you, RAHB, for introducing me to Hawkwind.

I GOT TO STEER THIS BOAT LIKE MANIAC OR ELSE I WON’T FORGIVE MYSELF.

$(KGrHqQOKi4E6fG-,jd2BPfwjM3FOg~~60 58

LIVING BEYOND DEATH I FEEL THE SENSATION! I’M HEADING FOR THE CRISIS OF ALL CREATION! I FEEL LIKE JESUS CHRIST HEADING FOR DESTRUCTION ON THE CROSS! HEADING FOR DESTRUCTION ON THE CROSS! IN MY DEATH TRAP, DEATH TRAP! IN MY DEATH TRAP, DEATH TRAP! IN MY DEATH TRAP, DEATH TRAP! IN MY DEATH TRAP, DEATH TRAP! ALL RIGHT! DEATH TRAP, ALL RIGHT! FEEL LIKE A HERO HEADING FOR EXTINCTION, WHAT’S YOUR LOSS? I FEEL LIKE A HERO… HEADING FOR EXTINCTION! WHAT’S YOUR LOSS? DEATH TRAP! DEATH TRAP, DEATH TRAP! CRUISING IN MY DEATH TRAP, DEATH TRAP! CRUISING IN MY DEATH TRAP, DEATH TRAP! LOSING IN MY DEATH TRAP, DEATH TRAP! ALL RIGHT!!!!

Chapter four

I train and I train. I sail through the Aldi Sea, fighting the rapacity that now dominates its waves. I head over to a cave on the west end of the sea, populated by dwarves. (Not elves, dwarves. The difference between dwarves and elves is that dwarves are real things, and elves aren't or at least as far as I know they aren't.) A dwarf says to me, "With the CRYSTAL, even the blind can see. Astos stole it from Matoya." I hear his name again, but should I give a damn? Another dwarf named Nerrick says that he's building a canal, but a rock stands in the way of the isthmus, preventing him from completing the canal, and what he needs is trinitrotoluene - or TNT, for those of you who are simpletons - to get the rock out of the way. I talk to another elf, who says "Did you meet Smith, our blacksmith?" What a funny name for a blacksmith, don't you think? I mean, can picture someone calling him Blacksmith Smith? That would be funnier than Hell. I walk into Smith's room. There's swords, a furnace, an iron and a dwarf: Yup, this has to be him. He says, "For the LIGHT WARRIORS I will make a truly legendary sword. However, my supply of ADAMANT is exhausted." I turn to my left hand side to see the swords. Smith says to me, "No! That is just an unusable sample." This ADAMANT could be stolen by Astos, but I'm not going to assume too much about him.

FF1-Astos-1 004

In Minnesota speak, that would be "I been double-crossed now for the very last time and now I'm finally freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

I have no idea where Astos is. Perhaps the villagers in ElfLand can help me with this. One villager tells me, "Astos wears a disguise, and lurks in seclusion." Well, being that I haven't seen much of the world, for all I know, he could be hiding anywhere. Anywhere after all. Another villager tells me, "Long ago I wandered to the Northwest. I found an ancient castle that was so spooky, I left immediately." Oh yeah, now I remember, back when I was nine, I watched my dad play Final Fantasy in my bedroom, and I don't remember that much of it, but I do remember Astos living in a castle, but I hitherto couldn't remember where the castle is, but now I know - and if you don't know, now you know (nigga). Another thing was that Astos was quite the fancy dresser, but I'll get to that later, I promise; hell, I'll probably even devote an entire chapter to his looks, per chance. So I head to the northwest, to see if the castle that the elf was talking about is in fact Astos' castle. I have a feeling, but I don't know for sure. So I head through forest, move past a river, and head through another forest and find a castle. I walk into the castle, it seems pretty damned ruined if you ask me and I'm not sure what kind of king - if at all - would want to live here. There is a chamber. I head in; I see someone who looks like Astos but might not be. I talk to this king; he says: "Astos double-crossed us. Go south, to the Cave of Marsh, to retrieve the CROWN. Then, bring it directly back to me!"

0 01

The wretched, disgusting hellhole some call the Cave of Marsh.

Well, this obviously must be The Lone King. He seems ostensibly innocent, but the way he dresses makes me a bit suspicious. I train up some more so I can head south to the Cave of Marsh and get the CROWN. When I get to the Cave of Marsh, and what I find there is a shithole that makes Chernobyl look like Kiev. Disgusting bats everywhere I turn, the undead to my left and to my right, and some guy playing an awful and half-wrong rendition of Rimsky Korsakov's "Flight of the Bumblebees" somewhere in the background. God only knows how a CROWN wound up in someplace as awful as this – what I’m trying to say here is that the desirability standards of this cave are so low that it would make a one-star rat-infested motel look good, and that no human or even sub-human being would want to be here, regardless of what, it is a disrespect to every possible aspect of living, and I could go on and on about how terrible it is that it would make this god-awful narrative be really obsessed about a single subject, which I don’t really want to do at this exact moment. But since The Lone King asked me to get the CROWN, I guess it's all up to me us, the LIGHT WARRIORS. I run like hell to find the CROWN, go down stairs and down some more stairs, hoping to try not to run into too much trouble. I find the CROWN in the center of the bottom floor, and it's in a chest protected by wizards (not the good kind) and I have to kill these wizards that guard the CROWN for some unnamable reason, and then I get the CROWN. A blue box says "In this treasure box, you found: CROWN." And it takes fifteen seconds for the blue box to close up.

I march over to ElfLand to save my hard-earned data in an inn, because I don't want to push my luck.

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