User:Matthlock/Samuel L. Jackson
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“ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! I HAVE HAD IT WITH THESE MONKEY FIGHTING SNAKES ON THIS MONDAY TO FRIDAY PLANE! EVERYONE STRAP IN! I"M ABOUT TO OPEN SOME FREAKIN' WINDOWS!!!”
“Now! Here's the situation! Normally both your asses would be dead as fried-chicken; but you happened to pull this shit while I'm in a transitional period, and I don't wanna kill ya!”
“Personally, I always thought snakes on a plane to be worse than its sequel bears on a submarine, What could be better than bears, sea, men and what not?”
SAMUEL L. MOTHAFUCKIN' JACKSON (BORN JANUARY THIRTY-FIRST, NINETEEN-FITY-EIGHT), ALSO KNOWN TO HIS ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS AS BAD MUTHAFUCKA, IS A SHARK EATING, SNAKE HATING, LITTLE-KNOWN CULT CANADIAN MOTHERFUCKER AND PRESIDENT OF MOTHERFUCKING ANTARCTICA!!!
WHY DO YOU THINK IT'S THE ONLY CONTINENT WITHOUT ANY MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES??? I'M SORRY, DID I BREAK YOUR CONCENTRATION??? WELL ALLOW ME TO RETORT!!! IT'S BECAUSE HE'S THE PRESIDENT OF MOTHERFUCKING ANTARCTICA. BITCH!!!
HIS TALENT AND SKILL AS A MOTHERFUCKING ACTOR CAN BE SEEN IN HOW EFFECTIVELY HE PLAYS A WIDE VARIETY OF MOTHERFUCKERS!!! HE PLAYS EVERY MOTHERFUCKER IN EVERY MOTHERFUCKING FILM EVER MADE!!! FROM "BOB" THE LONELY PLUMBER WITH A HEART OF GOLD IN "LOG JAMMING" TO THE NEUROTIC MOTHERFUCKER "TK-FOUR-TWENTY-ONE" IN "STAR WARS MOTHERFUCKER"!!!
JACKSON RECENTLY ENDORSED HIS OWN BRAND OF BEER, "SAMUEL JACKSON". "FUCK SAM ADAMS, I'LL KILL THAT BITCH!"
(Reader's Comment: Why do you have to talk that way?)
CAUSE THIS IS HOWS I TALK! HAVEN'T YOU SEEN MY MOVIES? JUICE?! THAT WAS A GOOD ONE. DEEP BLUE SEA? THEY ATE ME!! A MOTHERFUCKIN' SHARK ATE ME !! AND I'M STILL MOTHERFUCKIN HERE!!! YES, THEY DESERVE TO DIE!! AND I HOPE THEY BURN IN HELL!!
(Another Reader's Comment: But, I've seen your movies and you aren't like that...)
MOTHERFUCKER! FUCK YOU! YOU DON'T KNOW ME!!!
Sam Jackson (Full name: Samuel Elle Mothafuckin' Jackson), was born in Gotham City hospital on January 31, 1942.
On that morning, his mother, Janet Jackson, pissed herself to make her husband, the late Jesse Jackson, think that her water was broken. Being an idiot, Jackson didn't realize his wife was only three months along, and that he had never had sex with her.
The story goes that, after driving through traffic with the Batmobile as an escort along with Wonder Woman planting alien eggs in the eye sockets of anyone who disturbed them, the couple reached the hospital and, once a bed had been found for Janet (not Sailor Jupiter and note she was not born in an Extrasolar planet), throwing off a homeless man with cancer, she revealed she wasn't actually giving birth. Oh, how they laughed.
Later in life, Samuel L. Jackson came upon the revelation that the man he killed at birth was not his real father. His real father was Mr.T, a motherfucker that was not quite as bad who is always too mother fucking busy sucking on a mother fucking Mars bar, when he's a motherfucking Snickers fan (the stupid whore of a mother fucker!]]). Samuel L. Jackson tried to kill him for his confectionery affair, but Mr.T was backed up by the one and only, Mr Mother Fucking Chuck Norris. To date, this is the only man Samuel L. Mothafuckin' Jackson has not been able to kill in direct confrontation. He has not yet faced Chuck Norris in one on one combat, and he is currently being chased down by Naked Frogs on a Picnic Blanket and Bananas in Pyjamas... mother fucker.
Born an orphan (Does that make sense? I don't motherfuckin' know), Jackson was sent to work in the acid mines of Gotham City, until he was three, when he was adopted by learned elderly Jedi master and condiment producer Yoda. At the age of eleven, young Samuel also met with the would be blacksmith/serial killer/strongman/farmer Magomed Vitargov. The two spent some time together and developed a common interest in bullying fat people, before separating in high school. Yoda had heard the rumor of an apparent madman living in his hometown, and so he made Jackson confront Magomed in a grand battle of the mightiest where Jackson wounded Magomed by throwing a Tasty Burger (which it really was) in Magomed's left eye. Magomed decided not to continue the battle with his friend and said a hasty goodbye, before throwing a motherfucking snake at Jackson and disappearing in a bright flash of light.
Moving into Yoda's penthouse apartment in San Francisco, young Sam learnt the ways of the Force, how to make damn fine mustard, and also began reading the Bible, in particular, Ezekiel 25:17, as one day, while making ketchup Yoda had a premonition: that Sam was destined not only to be a Jedi and a kung fu master, but also... an actor. And that particular passage would prove very useful one day...
edit Snakes Experiment
In late 2006, Samuel L. Jackson was put on an airplane filled with snakes by the government as part of an experiment to see how he would react to the situation. An assortment of hidden cameras were placed on the plane, and the entire experiment was filmed and turned into a multi-million dollar documentary, originally called Samuel L. Jackson on a Plane. The producers later realized that the title was ridiculous and later settled on Snakes on a Plane.
edit Selected Filmography
- Do Tha Right Motherfuckin' Thang
- Def by Goddamn Temptation
- The Goddamn Patriot Games
- Motherfucking Jungle Fever
- True Motherfuckin' Romance
- Menace II Motherfuckin' Society
- The Matrix (Hold on a motherfuckin' second! I wasn't in that!)
- Jurassic Park: Motherfuckin' Dinosaurs on a Motherfuckin' Theme Park
- Pulp Fuckin' Fiction
- Die Hard With A Motherfuckin' Vengeance
- A Time to Kill a Motherfucker (Anytime...)
- The Long Motherfuckin' Kiss Goodnight
- Shaft 2: Bigger and Blacker
- Shaft 3: The Biggest Baddest Blackest Motherfucker Who Ever Walked the Face of the Earth
- Shaft 4: Christian Bale Murders the Motherfucking Light Technician
- The Motherfuckin' Negotiator
- Out of Motherfuckin' Sight
- Jackie Brown: Lets Go Crazy Ho'
- Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Motherfucker
- Deep Blue Motherfuckin' Sea
- The Matrix Reloaded (What the fuck?! That ain't me!)
- Rules of Motherfuckin' Engagement
- Unbreakable Motherfucker
- Changing Motherfuckin' Lanes
- Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Motherfuckin Clones
- xXx: Vin Diesel likes Cars
- The 51st Motherfuckin' State
- S.W.A.T: B.A.D M.O.T.H.E.R.F.U.C.K.E.R.S.
- Kill that motherfucker who goes by the name of Bill: Volume 2
- The Motherfuckin' Incredibles
- Motherfuckin' Coach Carter
- xXx 2: The Abduction of Vin Diesel
- Motherfuckin' Snakes on a Motherfuckin' Plane
- Black Snake Moan: Jackson does Porno''
- The Matrix Revolutions (For the last GODDAMN time, I AM NOT LAURENCE FISHBURNE, MOTHERFUCKER!)
- Freedomotherfucker Land
- 14, Oh Fuck, I Hate...
- Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Motherfuckin Sith
- The Motherfuckin' Man
- Humper: Another Jackson Porno
- Iron-Motherfucker Man: They stuck my ass at the end of the GOD-DAMN Credits!
- Motherfucking Soul Men
- Star Wars: The Motherfucking, Goddamn Animated Motherfucking Piece of Crap!!!
- The Motherfucking Spirit
- Lakeview Fuck
- Motherfucker and Child
- Inglourious Motherfuckin' Basterds
- The Other Motherfuckin' Guys
- Iron-Motherfucker Man 2: It's Nick Fury Time, Motherfucker!
- xXx 3: Vin Diesel Resurrected
- The Muthafuckin Incredibles (as muthafuckin Frozone, bitch!)