User:Matthlock/Lando Calrissian

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Lando Calrissian: Hero to intergalactic pilots and beer drinkers alike
“The guy plays a mean sabaac game. I'll give him that...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Lando Calrissian
“AUUUGGHH! My eyes! His sheer perfection is blinding!”
~ a mortal who dared to look upon divinity
“Who's got two thumbs and betrayed his best friend?”
~ Lando Calrissian on himself


Landolio Archimedes Calrissian Jr. or Apollo Creed as he prefers to be called, is a legendary Armenian-American boxer who allowed the less liked Rocky Balboa star in his film, Later realizing the plot for the Italian stallion to take over he staged his own death in a fight against a Russian midget. Lando is probably best known for a series of F.U.I. (Flying Under The Influence) incidents which resulted in the destruction of Empire Carpet's Death Star Nine battle station. Experts generally agree that Lando is the most awesome person to ever exist.

edit Early Life And Career

Lando sabacc
Artistic recreation of a typical evening for Lando. Interestingly, there is only one woman in the shot, and she is not naked.

Born at the age of five to Neo-Armenian parents, Skip and Betty Calrissian, young Lando was piloting spacecraft soon after. Calrissian was born with his trademark mustache and it's impossible to shave it off. He got his flight certification after completing a six parsec track course in a 1953 Studebaker Starliner that he still flies to this day. Young Calrissian frequented the dragstrips around all the spaceports where he quickly earned the nickname Leisure Suit Lando, due to his choice of racing attire. His ship was so fast, the dragstrip he raced on was generally referred to as "The Land Of Lando". Legend has it that his ship, the Aluminum Falcon had a competition clutch with a four-on-the-floor, and purred like a kitten until the ion engines roared. Lando amassed himself a small fortune racing the Falcon from starport to starport, often leaving a burnout patch when he left.

It was during one of his races that Lando literally ran into who would become one of his closest friends: fellow scoundrel pirate Han Solo. Lando thought he had struck a small piece of space debris, and kept flying for several parsecs. Finally, after hearing some pesky rattling he decided to check it out. There was Han, and the remains of his ship, crunched up in the front of The Falcon's nose. Han's first words were "Hey, can you drop me off at the next Starbucks?" The two formed a friendship that lasted many years afterward.

edit Life After his Early Life and Career

File:Lando colt.jpg
The Official Malt Liquor of the Rebellion

Lando soon gambled most of his money away. Any good businessman should gamble all their money away. Or, maybe that is "shouldn't". Either way, he did this to build himself up from nothing, again, to create a far more inspiring story. A man with nothing dying a man with something. As opposed to, of a man with something dying with something, in a bed with Arnold Schwarzenegger. What they were doing, the universe will never know.

Lando began touring the galaxy in a band called Lando and the Landlubbers. Lando sang vocals and played the kazoo, an Ugnaught named Ug played the trumpet, and Admiral Ackbar toured with them for a short time on the bass. They scored several funk and bluegrass hits. Their biggest chart-topper, Fly That Funky Starship White Boy, was a top 40 standard for years to come.

Lando furthered his career by entering the world of heavy weight boxing, after quitting the booze, but keeping up the women. After rising to the rank of Champion, he lost it to Rocky, a fighter with the worst defense on record. Years later, Lando would decide to give Rocky's style a try out, but ended up dying to some giant Stalinist freak.

edit Career In Cloud City

While serving at Cloud City, Calrissian won the title of Intergalactic Pimp, a title which he subsequently defended a minimum of every 30 days as sanctioned by WWE rules. His most notable match was an Iron Cage LumberJack Match against HHH. A match which lasted a fortnight and was voted Match Of The Year by Pimp Illustrated readers.

edit Heath Ledger

Recently rumors emerged that Lando Calrissian may have had a hand in the death of famed earth actor Heath Ledger. The most common theoories generally attribute the murder to revenge for the time Ledger beat Calrissian in a joust. Lando Calrissian is still alive, unlike Ledger, making him the ultimate winner. In conclusion, HEATH LEDGER IS DEAD, LANDO IS NOT.

edit MAD

I wish to announce a rebuttal against Mad. Lando is not Chewbecca’s Uncle but in fact due to cloning is his Aunty. R2D2 is the lost child of C3PO and the dumpster from Judge Dread”. The Terminator T1000 is a cross bread between Obi One Kanobi and Short Circuit.


edit See Also

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