User:Matthlock/Joy Division

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Ian Curtis as a young man (For postage stamp contests, "The Young Curtis")

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Joy Division are by many considered to be one of the most influential comedy/techno bands to come out of Manchester of all time. Formed from the ashes of the city Warsaw the band gained notoriety for having absolutely no appeal to girls whatsoever. They are also the third most prolific band, second only to Supertramp and Oscar Wilde and the Whalers, releasing a staggering 420 albums in the 4 years they where together. This band is by many considered to be Interpol rip offs. Joy Division is widely known for their collaborations with artists such as 50 Cent, Katy Perry, AFI and the Insane Clown Posse. According to witnesses, the lead singer Ian Curtis burned crosses in order to channel the soul of Jim Morrison into his voice box.

edit Joy Division and music

Many people believe Joy Division invented Goth Rock, however this is untrue as Joy Division actually invented music (and obviously, goth rock is not music, never has been, and never will be). Despite the practical problems involved, utilizing the tortured genius of lead singer Ian Fleming, they went back to 1221 and in just 3 and a half hours they had practically built all the instruments currently known to man plus a few that we won't know about for another 3 years, as of today. Nobody believes me, but it's true. Is it because I'm a n*****-lover?

edit Stage Antics

Many of the uninitiated may not know that it was Ian Curtis who invented stage diving, although his early inspired version involved him flopping around on stage in a pool of his own vomit because he was a ep-ep-epilectic. Interestingly enough no one thought of discouraging strobe lights and flash photography at Joy Division shows.
Rich vomit

Joy Division backstage after a gig

edit Ian Curtis, Depression and Epilepsy

Reasons are abound for the depression and subsequent suicide of Ian Curtis. The most accepted theory was provided by his brother, Paul Banks, in a 1981 interview.

"We were playing [mutually masturbating] around, like we always did, and then Ian got this look in his eye and said he had a secret to tell me. After a lot of cocaine, he revealed that he had come into a lot of money from a Nigerian prince. I lol'd and told him it was totally fake, and Ian was utterly crestfallen. The next day, well, he offed himself. It turned out it was actually real and it also turned out that his wife and daughter were killed in a car accident that night. Ian, the kind soul, left me the money in a will written via a Ouija board."

More common reasons, including severe epileptic seizures, a rocky marriage with his wife, an upcoming American tour, and his inability to stop singing like Jim Morrison have been dismissed altogether.

edit Ian Curtis' Resurrection

On the third day, Deborah and Natalie walked the banks of the Lamaload Reservior. As they spread his ashes across the water they burst into exotic fire. From the smoke laden urn of Hannett arose a flaming phoenix with gold etchings. The risen Ian is often mentioned in Gnu Oudor songs such as "ICB" and "Here to Stay."

edit Post-Joy Division

Ian Curtis has retired from the music business, and spends his time back home in Manchester in a small coffin. As with Elvis, there are sightings of Ian flipping hamburgers, stocking the frozen foods section, and fighting mummies, but these are usually discounted as visions of Tom Smith or Justin Warfield from the near future.

Meanwhile, the rest of the band bravely decided to soldier on, making only minor changes--substituting synthpop for goth, ecstasy for alcohol, and hanging out with The Happy Mondays at clubs for hanging themselves in their basements. Unfortunately, they were not particularly successful, and nobody has heard from them since.


The goth subspecies known as the "Butter Troll"

edit See also

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