From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“There's no escape from the fortress of the moles...”
“Dreadful, just dreadful! Voice like an aardvark. Can I have some money now?”
Hans Moleman is a recurring character in the animated television series The Simpsons. He is voiced by Dan Castellaneta,[big fat lie] and first appeared in the episode "Principal Charming". He normally appears in a running gag, where he usually suffers unfortunate, nearly always fatal events. He is also the son of Homer Simpson.
edit Acting Career
It is unclear where and when Hans Moleman's acting career began, but his first major success was in 1987 with the release of blockbuster Man getting hit by football, a hard-hitting, documentary style masterpiece, following the arduous journey of a mexican family's struggle to survive in the groin of consumerist, corporate America.
He has since been awarded many cameo roles in various cinematic works, notable examples being The Mummy, Citizen Kane, Brokeback Mountain, Disney's Snow White, Jaws, Brokeback Mountain, The Muppets Christmas Carol, and of course, the Oscar-award winning Man Gets Hit By Football. p Despite being only 43, the young Hans has only ever been cast in roles as an elderly man.
|I can't understand it. It must be those headshots - they can't get the lighting right.|
- the baffled actor is reported as saying (wheezing softly as if on the brink of death).
edit Near death experiences
Although old in appearance, Hans Moleman is surprisingly resilient, and has survived a number of near death experiences, including:
- Crashing a car-transporter, "It was the book that did it" he quotes
- Over-exposure to X-Ray, nearly (definitely) rendering him permanently radioactive
- Holding a flaming arrow too long
- An exploding tricycle
- A malfunctioned trampoline experiment
- Prolonged exposure to heavy glasses
- Having a run in with a school bus
- And many, many, more
And let's not forget the infamous incident with the football in the groin, that went on to inspire his creative spirit.
- 1840 - Drowned in a puddle of mud
- The past - Whacked by Bartman with a hammer
- 1993 - Got his AMC gremlin crashed into a tree by Otto Mann
- 1994 - Burned by the Sun
- 1996 - Got brain drilled out with a screwdriver by Mr. Burns
- 1998 - Got trapped inside a bubble with a mind of its own
- 2004 - Eaten by alligators
- 2006 - Had a heart attack
- 2008 - Crushed by a rock
- 2008 - Muffled by an airbag in another car crash
- 2008 - Drowned by a bridge explosion caused by that dumbass Homer Simpson
- 2010 - Crushed by exploding whale blubber
edit Celebrity friends
|Oh yesh, he and I go way back, he ushed to be an old drinking buddy in the shikshties. We are talking about Michael Caine right?|
edit Musical tastes
edit Conspiracy theories
There are many mysteries and conspiracy theories surrounding the elusive Hans Moleman, however, since the turn of the new millenium he has gone into hiding to avoid the hordes of screaming fan-girls, so we cannot ask him about them.
edit Possessed by the devil
It is a commonly held belief that Hans Moleman is possessed by, or at least in cahoots with, the Lucifer himself.
The devil, however, was quite vague on the matter, quoted at interview as saying:
|I might know him, I might not. Who wants to know?|
edit King of the Mole People
It has also been suggested that he is a member, if not the leader, of the gang of underground enthusiasts known as the Mole People, or molemen, in informal conversation. This is almost certainly true, but may also be false, as there is no conclusive evidence on the matter. Unfortunately, and quite by chance, all photographs/hidden camera footage/quotes from fellow molemen have mysteriously been misplaced. The owners of these items also found themselves repairing large holes in the floors of their houses, each leading to an uncertain underground destination.
edit Alive since the dawn of time
Yes. A select few have identified and tracked a man they claim to be Hans Moleman through the archives, even dating back to ancient cave drawings. He is said to have taken part in numerous momentous events in human history, for example:
- Discovering America
- Building stonehenge
- Leading the Jews from Egypt, and
- Defeating Voldemort in single combat
...to name but a few.
This would suggest that he is either a freak of nature or that he has discovered the cure for death, which would also explain his amazing knack for avoiding it.
Alternatively, this theory could be the result of too much kitten smoking.
edit Moleman on the moon
Some say that if you say his name three times backwards then dance naked around a bowler hat whilst babbling witicisms, his face will appear on the moon.
|Utter nonsense! Never works for me!|
This one's probably not true, but have YOU ever tried it???
edit Moleman Quotes
- "Uh, excuse me: I'd like to request $17 for a push-broom rebristling."
- "But he ate my last meal."
- "No one's gay for Moleman."
- "You took four minutes of my life and I want them baaack! Oh, I'd only waste them anyway."
- "Hello, this is Moleman in the morning."
- "Good Moleman to you."
- "This isn't my house."
edit A Moleman movie?
I know, can you believe it? Better yet, it will be released in the year 2096. That's not too far away. It will star all your favorite characters too. Including Duffman, Bill and Marty, Ned Flanders, Troy McClure, Lionel Hutz, Bart Simpson, Bart's son, Bart's wife, Bartholomew 'Bart' JoJo Constintine Charles Brian Aberforth Michael Hunt Joseph Frank (the Mole) David Andrew Mangina Fonkonskini Idilho "I'm a Hobo" Indian Georgiizzz Frugenjum Alberto Naked Fat Simpson, Adolf Hitler, Adolf Hitler, Jr., Ernest Hemingway, The Angry Video Game Nerd, Thomas Edison, Tom Cruise, Borat, The Police, Stephen Hawking, Stephen Hawking ran over my cat, Sith Vicious, Sid Vicious, Freddie Mercury, Oscar Wilde, Barry White, Pedophile, Pae Do, Santa Claus, Karl Marx, Ronald Reagan, Mormons, Calvin Coolidge, Calvin Coolidge is still alive, R.E.M., Arnold Schwarzenegger, Arnold Schwarzenegger's Presidential Run, The Republican Party, Democratic Party, Democrat Party, Michael Flatley, Mimes, Led Zeppelin, Joy Division, New Order, Moron, Idiot, You, Punk Floyd, The Sex Pistols, Johnny Rotten, Communists, Bob Dylan, Billy Corgan, Moby, Dr. Seuss, Atheism, Judaism, Islam, Michael Stipe, Bob Dole, Peter Griffin, ...For Dummies, David Bowie, Ziggy Stardust, God, Satan, Yahweh, Allah, Jehovah, IPod, iPod, iPod IV, Arthur, Confucius, The Clash and HAL 9000. It will be shot in Delaware, Maine, Heaven, Tennessee, up Youranus, Mars, Planet Hollywood, iEarth, Earth, Planet Google, Freddie Mercury, Roseanne, Globe, Neptune, Lyons, Jupiter, Mercury, Pizza Planet, Polkadottia, Jay Leno's Chin, Uncyclopedia, Darwin IV, Garnox, Unicron, Unicorn, UFO, Lexicon, Wikipedia, Ceres, Pluto, Planet, World, Moon, Black hole, and up Uranus. It will be 25 days long and super sexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxy.