User:Matthlock/Geography of Romania
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Romania is a country situated in the Balkans bordering Ukraine, Moldova, Hungary, Serbia, and Bulgaria. It contains the bulk of the Carpathian Mountains, and is divided into several ethnographic and geological regions, which interact with each other in a delicate interplay of peasant villages on peasant villages.
Wallachia, also known as Tara Romaneasca, is best known for being the location of Vlad the Impaler's reign in the Middle Ages as prince of the area. Bucharest is the focal point of the area, along with Craiova in the southwest. Its southern boundary is the Danube, and it consists of three subregions - Oltenia, in the west, Muntenia in the middle, and east of the Danube, the trash-ridden marshy port region of Dobrogea.
Transylvania, known for its peasants and vampires, is the eternal battlefield of the Romanians and the Hungarians over who owns it. There is an inconveniently-placed pocket of Hungarians (sneakily named the Szekely) in the middle of Romania, which angers Romanian nationalists to no end.
Moldavia, in the northeast - not to be confused with Moldova, which is Romania-lite (less calories, slightly cruddier taste) - is the region of Russian-sounding Romanians who sound as if they have a slight speech impediment. It is nearly as peasanty as Transylvania.
Bucharest is the summer capital of Romania and the largest city in the country, except for summer, when 50% to 80% of the population migrates to the seaside to show off the expensive cars that during the rest of the year turn the mother city into a huge parking lot. In Bucharest's quest to emulate ancient Rome, it is also known as "the city of the 9 hills", sporting only one noticeable height difference, inappropriately known as "Dealul Mitropoliei" - "The Metropolitan Hill". Besides the above mentioned attractions, Bucharest is a city of many enchantments. Most of the magical population of Romania seems to live here (those specialised in disappearing acts). All inhabitants are very warm and welcoming folks, very fond of tourists - especially German (cars), American (wallets),and Japanese (cameras).
You will also find here a wide array of wildlife. In Bucharest you may find many species of inhabitants: taranii (the peasants - common word for people who do not know how to dress or act in society), smecherii (the cool ones - word for people showing off with their parents money, pretending they're theirs) and the Roma - a special category of people, populating most of the districts of Bucharest. The cool ones pretend to become urban, a title granted only for cool city looking guys with fancy clothes and crazy haircut.
- The weather in Bucharest has 2 seasons - dirty and very dirty. Once in 4 years, a strange and new kind of weather appears, corresponding with the election season: clean.
- Driving in Bucharest: you may find that driving in Bucharest is an extreme sport and requires many protection systems. There are 3 categories of drivers: the sleepers (drivers that sleep behind the wheel - do not honk, you may disturb their sleep), the fast and the furious and the 3rd category, the most dangerous one - too fast and too furious. To be prepared you have to:
- Always be ready to honk loud and clear,in order for the other drivers to notice you - mirrors are not enough for them.
- Have your middle finger prepared to greet other participants in traffic. They will answer back in the same way.
- Also, other forms of saluting other drivers in your way to the office are: "Cine ma-ta te-a invatat sa conduci, ba boule!!", "Misca imbecilule, ca ma grabesc!!" and "Futu-ti frana ma-ti ca era sa intru-n tine!!". The other drivers will answer back in very polite ways like: "Du-te-n ma-ta de imbecil!"
- Also, in Bucharest, pedestrians seem to be suicidal (as they cross everywhere but the crossing sign) so be careful not to run them down.
- When a gypsy with a bottle and a cloth approaches your vehicle, drive as fast as you can at them, attempting to clip their knees, as they will wipe your window if it is the last thing they ever do!
Always be careful around the Roma's means of transportation: the horse and carriage, the donkey and sometimes children carrying each other. The sales representatives are the most bizarre species of drivers. Do not annoy them, or this will be the last thing you've ever done in your lifetime.
Huşi is Romania's gateway to a darker dimension otherwise known also as the Republic of Moldova. Huşi was built out of horse manure, public debt and heroic tales as headquarters for the flourishing ethno-bothanic industry. It was established in 30000 BC, by a group of German tourists seeking shelter from the religious persecutions against transvestite postal workers.
The portal towards the Republic of Moldova is guarded by a drunk blind lorry driver who is asleep or stoned most of the time. Apart from that, the portal opens on both sides by a ritual called "şpagă", which is a particular form of bribe. "Şpagă" is very much like a regular bribe, only in lesser value: a pack of cigarettes, a jar of Moldovan marmalade, a quick blowjob from a female (the guard is blind, so she does not have to be good looking).
The neighbouring realm from another dimension, the Republic of Moldova, is said to be the richest place in the universe. It is also referred to as "El Dorado" or "Shangri-la" in ancient textbooks that have not yet been translated. The inhabitants of Moldova are said to be blessed by the gods of plenty with "Vodka Spicul de Aur", "siliotka", "basamak", "Kalashnikov", "Kvint", "Bucuria", "Igor Smirnov" and cheap cigarettes, which they export to Romania by specially modified gliders who fly at night, when the blind guardian is the most drunk. Moldovans do not like money and are hard workers, they do not charge cash for their goods, instead they want old books of poetry and folk music songs, which stand at high value in Moldova. The source of their abundance is believed to be in another secret realm of fairytale fantasies and lesbian orgies, Transnistria.
As to what actually lies beyond the portal, it is yet unclear, as everyone who returned came back filthy rich and unwilling to comment. The language of the locals is called "Busuioacă" and it is said to be the most intoxicating language in Europe.
Anyway, back to the topic! Huşi has been traditionally populated by Transnistrians, the descendants of the German transvestite postal workers who married and reproduced in underground laboratories by means unfit to be described in writing. The locals form a ruthless banking guild that charges protection tax from other bankers passing through. Despite of their large amounts of money, they can not do trade with their neighbours from the dark side, as they have rarely been seen with any books at all (the most valuable commodity in the Republic of Moldova).
There is a permanent state of war between Huşi and Vaslui, as their religions are diametrically opposite. Vasluianians worship the sheep, while Huşi dwellers consider the sheep as the highest temptress and the root of all evil. Hostilities began in early Neolithic and lasted for an entire week, causing terrible losses on both sides: all warriors were sacked for not showing up for work. Since then, battles are fought by mail. All the blows are sent in writing to each of the combatants, gathered and then opened. An employee of the local council will then apply each blow as he sees fit, in the presence of an umpire from the opposing side. Combatants are males aged below 5 and over 95. If they do not show up for the weekly battle, they are sought after by bailiffs and duly delivered with both the blows and a penalty notice of 5 sit-ups.
Culturally speaking, they belong to a culture long lost at poker. Since then, they've been trying to win it back and hired Lucky Luke for the job, but only got themselves deeper in a cultural debt - as opposed to their Vasluianian neighbours' culture of debt (which they are bound by religion never to return).
A very peaceful city, situated almost in Hungary, on the West side of Romania. People are slow and chilled and life is pretty good compared with the other regions from Romania. When you get there be sure you also visit the Baile Felix Resort, where you will have the chance to bath in the same swimming pool with more that 200 old people at the same time, in a very hot water, which melts all the dirt and the fat from your body.
This is a very interesting town. Everyone seems to be visiting it extremely often and enjoying it, but they're also unable to say WHY they enjoyed Giurgiu, as it has ABSOLUTELY nothing interesting to SEE or DO. But people seem to like visiting dull places. Giurgiu is the Utah of Romania.
The original capital of Romania, lost during attack of the clones, only a little old Roma woman in Bucharest knows it's actual location, and one cannot be told where Baicoi is, one can only be shown where Baicoi is.
Baicoi is a mysterious place in Romania. One might say it doesn't really exist, that it's a kind of Romanian Avalon. No-one goes there... or, at least no one reliable went there and came back to tell about it. Some say it is the place where a huge radioactive meteorite fell down to Earth; some say it is a place where an ancient nuclear plant exploded...
Anyway, the legend says that the people in Baicoi have two pairs of testicles, even women have two ovaries and one testicle. In other words, in Baicoi live another human species, an authoritary and aggressive one. The people of Baicoi worship the God of Sperm, Thestostheron, brother of Tutankhamen, and every year every family in Baicoi gives him a gift: one banana and four oranges, symbolising the doubled, overwhelming love for him.
Every two years an expedition to Baicoi is prepared. So, if you are interested to participate in some way, with your body, your money or your soul, you can call +40777 734 034 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting +40777 734 034 end_of_the_skype_highlighting
Baicoi rocks. I have pictures of it. The streets get all muddy in the winter. One day if you're nice I'll put a link to some pictures.
Constanta is the main port city of Romania on the Black Sea. Constanta is the 2nd largest city in the world and got rid of all Gypsies there a long time ago. This is the only city in the world where Gypsies are banned and if they enter the city are obliged by law to pay taxes as large as 50 bani. Depending on what kind of music they make and what they come to steal, they will be searched when they exit the city. Last year alone 1 Gypsies tried to steal 5000 car radios. When he tried to escape the marine shot him on the beach.
The population of Constanta is estimated at 2,200,000 people and 5,000,000 dogs, making the the people that live there an ethnic minority. The dogs that live in Constanta have been given the right to vote and freedom of speech. At night this causes conflict between humans and dogs.
After the invasion of the Turkish they stole the name and called one of their major cities Constantinople. The name was stolen from Constanta. Nowadays people call their city Tomis instead of Constanta because of the mass confusion.
The greatest city in the world with the greatest people. The Olteni are a superior race to the rest of world. It has been debated recently that Oltenians should become the National currency of Romania as they have a greater value. Craiova is home to Mititelu (little one) even though he is quite fat...but short! He owns the city's soccer team, Universitatea Craiova where famous players such as Iraqi international Salih Jaber played (world renowned Kebab and Shawarma vendor). He stated in many interviews that the dinamuisti (also known as the javre) should be afraid of him because he will bomb their stadium since he is from Iraq. Craiova is also known now for its new facelift in the center of the city. The mayor, or better known as the jackass, decided he needs to move the Mihai Viteazul statue around - probably got bored - so he turned it around so that the horse's ass is no longer facing the city hall, but rather a famous church. That took a few months to accomplish as the Oltenian workers were too busy fighting over who is the real leader of the project. He then decided while he is at it he should make random fountains as if the city was not already suffering from lack of plumbing in the outer suburbs. In short, Craiova is a beautiful city, with many manelisti or tanned individuals who love to fold their shirt up and scratch their chest while in a store. There is also the growing problem dumb rockers supporting the group Tokio Hotel but thats another story for another day.
Also known as The Little Vienna for those who have frequently visited Spain in agronomic interests and could see some similarities between these two cities while passing through Vienna. People who crawl on Timisoara’s streets form a debased union of Asian and European citizens, where human faces combine a wide color palette: white, black, red, yellow and their explosive combinations. It is the Mecca of Banat. Roasted turkeys sell cheap clothes, ship-made on a street which carries the name of a medieval leader, Constantin Brancoveanu, who had fought against turkey oppression with the price of his family and his own head chopped. These brutal fellows earn their lei (the Romanian currency, equivalent to a third of a dollar) along with the Chinese in bloody katana–yatagan meetings. If you’re lucky enough you can meet their special niggers, the gypsies. They are so sociable that they will want to share with you all you have. They will even say nice things to you. Timisoara’s citizens are ready at any time to offer their body as bullet targets in the name of freedom. Therefore not even Ceausescu and communism could resist the people’s will to eat cocoa chocolate instead of soy chocolate, to watch MTV, to be able to put their naked bodies over the internet and prostitute.
Thought by many to be the Kabul of the West, Vaslui is the home of lieutenant Worf's relatives who miss him and sacrifice a virgin sheep on every third full moon trying to appease Porumboiu (the name locals give to God) to allow their son's return. Locals also take great pride in their sewage system, a most original engineering work that runs above the ground with no pipes - just like in Kabul, Afghanistan. The local industry is drilling for incense used in the worship rituals for Porumboiu that can last for up to 30 days on end. Vaslui's education system is also highly specialised in training exotic dancers and adult chat hostesses from an early age. Uncyclopedia's spies have good reasons to suspect that BMWs are made in Vaslui, since even the poorest bloke in town has an X5. The factory is believed to be buried deep under the sewage ditch, where the smell of faeces would very likely conceal any activity underneath and would discourage any recon mission. Vaslui also has its own currency, the East German Deutsch Mark, that is now worth about 100 Roubles or 100000 US Dollars. Money is made in every household, on Tuesdays, out of rice flour and Chinese sex toys, using a special press and mould passed from generation to generation. Vaslui also has three famous brothels, known as Liceul "Mihai Kogălniceanu" (LMK), Liceul Anghel Rugină and Liceul de Chimie "Emil Racoviţă". The geishas employed in these brothels need to pass an advanced maths test and to prove a solid record of awards in the "Olimpiadă", which is the Vaslui's way of encouraging young girls and boys to lose their virginity. The winner is the competitor who manages to pop the most cherries within one year. Anyway, back to Vaslui's religion: the Vasluianians worship Porumboiu, whom they believe to be a living god among the mortals. For this reason they presented him with "Fabrica de Lapte" and "Fabrica de Ulei", which is Vasluianian for "The Holy Place of Worship" and "The Sacred Table of Pool". Porumboiu is also worshipped in "Arsenal", which is the largest cathedral in the known universe. There, believers shoot sacred darts and holy pool, asking Porumboiu for his grace. The life of Vaslui is being transmitted live on OTV, every night, after midnight, and the show is pay per view. There was a newspaper once in Vaslui but someone needed it to wrap some fish and the paper was no more. Showers in Vaslui are very ecological, because they use no water: the Vasluianians wash by meditation and prayer, seeking to be cleansed spiritually, not physically.