User:Matthlock/Fritz Lang

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Fritz Lang is still dead. But before he died, he was known as an early German film director. He was known as an early German film director because he was in Germany, he directed films and he always showed up on the set a couple of weeks before everyone else and spent the time drinking beer, trying to pick up junge frauen and learning to balance strange objects on the end of his nose. Easily recognized by his eyepatch and mustache, he is famous for not including a single explosion in any of his films except for his films that did. As a film director, he found the surname Lang useful because it attracted the paying kind of customer. Eventually customers would realize that they'd been duped by a misnomer. By then, the money and Lang were known as Long Gone.

Lang's best known work is Mmmmmm, a film about a little pedophile who cannot find his way home. Originally titled Enough with the Multiple Takes Already, the film was renamed after the sound that the female members of the preview audience made every time Peter Lorre, in his motion picture debut, appeared on the screen.

He is also credited with creating Superman, whom he based on the boyfriend of his cousin Lana.

In Germany, German Fritz Lang, director of German-speaking German films, found German-speaking German Germans to be too German. Thus, he left German-speaking German Germany for non-German-speaking, non-German Hollywood to make non-German-speaking, non-German films for non-German-speaking Non-Germans.


The Lost Films:

  • A, Lost in a fire.
  • B, Eaten by a nest of bees.
  • C, Burned by the nazis.
  • D, Cooked and eaten by the nazis.
  • E, Loved by the nazis, but sadly lost.
  • F, Taken into his grave by Lang himself, just after he ate it.
  • G, Eaten by a duck.
  • H, Someone taped a tennis match over it.
  • I, Used by Lang as eyepatch material, before settling on a velvet one.
  • J, Last copy bought up by Michael Bay, who used some of the explosion footage, and flushed the rest of the film through the toilet.
  • K, Exploded.
  • L, Imploded.

Acknowledged Masterpiece:

  • M

Unfinished Film:

  • N

Forgotten Film: The critically acclaimed but rarely seen Der Sieben Samurai (1968), which was later remade as The Seven Samurai.

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Not-So-Epic Visionaries

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Highly Respected in France

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Highly Confusing in Japan
Terry Gilliam | Akira Kurosawa | Russ Meyer | Quentin Tarantino
Highly Disturbing in Mexico

Guillermo del Toro

Highly Racist in Suid-Afrika

Neill Blomkamp

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