User:Matthlock/Bosnia and Herzegovina

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Bosnia & Herzegovina.
“Welcome to Bosnia and the other place where death and destruction awaits you”
~ Niko Bellic on peoples coming to Bosnia
EU Satellite B1H
Devided-bih-flag
(Flag) Bosnia & Hercegovina: Divided We Stand!
Motto: "Jebeš zemlju koje Bosne nema" ("Let's both sit down and calmly discuss this over a pot of coffee and some burek.")
National Anthem: Kad Ajvar Nije Volijo Kajmak
(English) When Ajvar Hated Kajmak
(Real English) When This Silly Red Stuff Hated Something That's Kinda Sour Cream, but not Exactly
Official languages Bosnian, Serbian, Croatian, Serbian-Croatian, Croatian-Serbian, Bosnian-Croatian-Serbian, Serbian-Bosnian-Croatian, etc.
Capital Sara je vo (Sarah is bull)
Rulers Mujo, Haso and Dinar
Established Almost
Currency The cigarette (1 ŠTK)
National Sports Speed Smoking, Civil War, Hiding in the basement, Basement Football, Basement Basketball, Complaining about everything, Meditation (pictured):
IndianYogaMaster

Traditional Indian Meditation Practice

BosnianYogaMaster

Traditional Bosnian Orthodox Meditation Practice

Bosnia & Herzegovina (Bosna i Hercegovina), (or shortly Eternal, Unified, Sovereign Bosnia) was created in the early 12th century so that Serbia could prove to itself that it was a heroic nation and Croatia could prove that it was a cultured nation, thus enabling both nations to participate in regular fights and ethnic cleansings without damaging their own lands. Turks were let into the game in 15th century AD. When the Turks arrived they messed up Serbian-Croatian relations even more by turning 40% of the population into Muslims, mostly for their own amusement. (See Serbian History)

Bosnia became such a popular location for solving disputes that many countries placed advanced bookings to bomb it in order to settle their differences. As a result of this continued bombardment, the indigenous population of Bosnia has grown into a sixth sense, giving them the superhuman ability to stay unharmed during times of war and turmoil. Native Bosnians have been observed walking unharmed from air disasters, bombing attacks etc., whilst complaining about plaster in their hair and how the smell of gunpowder is so persistent.

edit Language

Bosnia abolished approximately 70% of its Vowels in The Great Vowel Purge (Velika Čistka Samoglasnika) of 1944, after discovering that they had been collaborating with the Nazi occupiers of the country. The diacritical marks of the language attempted to exploit the resulting confusion, and succeeded in wresting control of 30% of the language, forming the breakaway province "Řêpǚbłĩká Đĭàķŕitīkǻ". Thus, 90% of the population still doesn't understand how to use four of the consonants correctly. Between 1944 and 1992, Bosnia was ruled by the letter 'J' under a system of Non-Aligned Consonantism, which collapsed after the fall of the Berlin Wall, its position being taken by annual rotation of 'H', 'Đ' and 'V'.

edit Population

There is no explanation for the fact that the DNA structure of the Bosnian Genome contains Molecules Of Stone (MOS), but it should be noted that the MOS have found expression in the head of Bosnians. Although that gives them their famous invulnerability, there are some relatively minor side-effects (lack of a brain). However, the scientific community has recently proposed a much sounder theory for their complete lack of brain tissue. After a Bosnian child is born, it is immediately fed inhumane amounts of rakija (a unique multi-purpose liquid, serving as an alcoholic drink, disinfectant and engine degreasant) rather then the traditional milk that new-borns drink. The massive amounts of alcohol given to newborns causes widespread brain damage and stupidity which eventually leads to death, in some cases up to 70 years later. In fact, alcohol poisoning is the biggest cause of death in males in Bosnia.

An alternative explanation for the presence of MOS in the Bosnian Genome can be found in Butmir. Butmir is a small place near Sarajevo. It is believed that a master sculptor from Butmir once made the First Sex Toy, a Stone Model of a Woman. After the prototype was Alpha tested it miraculously became pregnant and gave birth to the first true Bosnian. Considering that the child did not have a mother to breast feed it, it was fed with rakija. That custom is still being practiced today.

There have been some attempts to reconcile these two theories and, thus, create a Unified Field Theory Of Rakija And Stone (UFTORAS) but none of them have come to fruition yet. Undoubtedly, this is due to the scientists in question being Bosnian as well.

Studies have also recently found that due to the large consumption of alcohol among the Bosnian people, their blood is not blood, but is, in fact, 99% alcohol (making all Bosnians highly flammable). Occasionally, you will see people burst into flames in broad daylight, but don't worry because it's quite common in Bosnia.


edit Religion

The predominant Bosnian religions are Islam (go figure), Serb-Russian-Greek-Ukranian Orthodox, Catholicism, and Bogumil Paganism. But most bosnians perfer to worship the jew Dinar, this is the main god in bosnia. Named after the greek for ugh! the almighty Dinar will sacrifise any Bosnian if they aren't beating them selves of each other.

These religions are covers for what Bosnians really worship -- soccer, beer, and nicotine.

edit Food

As in the rest of the Balkans, dinner in Bosnia is prepared following a basic recipe:

  • 1. Cut two big onions
  • 2. Decide which one to have for dinner.

The rest of the dinner will necessarily include calf/beef or lamb, being the only quality product of Bosnian mountains (note that Herzegovina is not Bosnia, and that meat rules apply differently). For this reason, refusing to eat second class Argentinian meat, Bosnia is one of the few countries in the world without McDonalds "restaurants".

The national dish, cevapi, is unsurprisingly, barbecued minced meat prepared and seasoned in a way that it guarantees bad breath for days and served with as much onion as can possibly fit on the plate (which is crucial for survival in harsh Bosnian conditions). The best cevapchichichi can be found in the city of Sarajevo, "ali u kurcu (nisi jeo cevape u Travniku)".

The second national dish is Burek. A reader should note that in the rest of the world the Burek can be prepared with spinach, cheese, potatoes or other vegetables, while Bosnian Burek is exclusively stuffed with meat. This is because of the simple reason that a Bosnian's respect for meat is so high that he refuses to call anything without it a "Burek". On the contrary, those without meat are looked down on in common language and referred to as "Pitas"

The original Burek, which is falsely believed to be of a Turkish origin was actually invented by a Bosnian scientist who blew a dish of cevapi with a miniature nuclear device and rolled the debris into a page from local newspaper, Oslobodjenje. On his trip to the Breath Institute where his breath was to be analyzed, he mistakenly ate it instead of his breakfast. The meal got its modern form after years of refinement by the Albanian Chefs And Bakery Owners Association whose descendants could be found owning small kiosks in the Tito era, where they were selling cooked or BBQ corn and chestnuts, depending on the season and highly complicated technical inventions like the deadly pepaljka device. They also invented the cheese and spinach variety burek and sold the recipe to Sultan Mehmed II. The Sultan thought that he was buying the original recipe for the burek meal that his mother used to prepare. After he found out that he bought a cheap knock-off, he was so angry that he invaded Eastern Europe. Please note that you must include a piece of bread to accompany any meal in Bosnia, including sandwiches.

Merlin

Famous Bosnian singer Dino Merlin

edit Music

Air raid sirens (Often set to a dramatic beat of artillery shells and screams)

Turbo folk (a mish mash of oriental rhythms played on cheap organs, heartbreaking lyrics usually sung by slutty looking female singers - called "pevaljkas")

Zabavna (an amalgam of 70's pop music and German schlager)

Genocide Rap (An offshoot of gangster rap, promoted by dynamic duo Young Slobo and Rad Radko)

Examples:

The Singing Gegaj Family 1. Izet Gegaj - Hej ba sta ima ba (a famous model singing whats new in sarajevo) Song - http://youtube.com/watch?v=4At0ZguLO10]

2. Ado Gegaj - Nazovi zbog nas (ugly and older brother of Izet Gegalj. This song made him extraordinary popular in Bosnia, Sandjak & Monte Negro. Song - http://youtube.com/watch?v=I11bUhH_4K0&mode=related&search=]

3. Hajrija Gegaj - Moja ti je otvorena kuca (sister of gegalj brothers who followed the brothers steps) Song - http://youtube.com/watch?v=-uQ6zREXo4E]

Some common Bosnian song lyrics(names of authors are intentionally omitted, the original authors prefer not to be named):

 Na čaršafu 2-3 kapi krvi                                     2 or 3 drops of blood on the plate
 to je dokaz da si bio prvi                                   A proof that you were the first one
 
 Pijem vino i rakiju vruću                                    I drink wine and hot brandy    
 i ne mislim na njivu i kuću                                  I don't care about fields and home
 šta će meni vjenčanje i žena                                 I don't need wedding and wife
 kad sa tuđjom živim bez problema                             Neighbour's wife suits me fine
 
 Mala moja popišaj se u bocu                                  My little girl, piss in the bottle
 pa nazdravi materi i ocu                                     And make a toast to your ma and pa

edit The Gospa of Medjugorje

Father Veli of the Croatian catolic Church is a protector and missionary of town Medjugorje near Chitluk, the miracles that he experienced and witnessed, and of 6 young Bosnian children who on June 24, 1981 were blessed with an apparition of Our Lady.. the Gospa. After 21+ years, Our Lady still appears to 3 of the visionaries daily (Marija, Vicka, and Ivan). The 25th of the month message is always given by Our Lady to the visionary Marija. This, coincidentally, is the exact date each month when Marija starts her day with a treble shot of rakija.

Apparently, Our Lady appeared on some hill near the town , as a reincarnation of Marylin Monroe wearing a thong. 6 young children were smoking pot on that hill and they thought it was an angel, but the local shepherd thought it was a Bigfoot and local priest saw $$$ a miracle. From that day forth, hundreds of thousands of idiots believers come to Medjugorje every year to smoke pot and drink heavily in the hopes of seeing Gospa again.


edit External links

Now Bosnians have their own Uncyclopedia

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