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“In my experiences, there are only three types of unrequited love. There's one where she doesn't know. There's another where she knows but she doesn't really care as long as you keep it in your pants. And for a third, there's one where she does know, she does care and she's secretly planning on using your shortcomings against you someday.”
So, you want to be Matthlock, eh? Well, who could blame you? Who wouldn't want to be an
insensitive asshole oversexed pervert angry hypocrite awesome dude like Matthlock?
edit Step one: Find Matthlock
edit Step two: Vote yes on every article you see on VFH
edit Step three: Listen to virtually every type of music
edit Step four: Talk obsessively about countries that nobody cares about
edit Step five: Make everything ambiguous
For example, nobody on Uncyclopedia knows if Matthlock was born in America, Canada, Moldova, Croatia, Wales, Scotland, Albania, Germany, Poland, Latvia, Georgia, Israel or some magical place where all of those places are one. You can ask Matthlock but don't always expect a clear answer.
Matthlock is a mystery. He never really says his plans, where he's going or what his life really is. Truly, other people think he is awesome, good-spirited and hilarious. Matthlock thinks of himself as a freak. His teachers sort of look at him like the teacher's pet. However, probably to an outsider his life is 100% normal.
Whatever is, Matthlock truly is an enigma.
edit Step seven: Stalk hot girls
The darkest trait of Matthlock is that he has stalked several girls. In fact, rumor even has it that he has a restraining order from one girl. Matthlock thoroughly denies this; however, he always feels the need to stalk girls who'll never love him back. He also stalks girls he's never met before.
edit Step eight: Be an Anglophobe
It is a well-known fact that Matthlock
utterly hates despises dislikes English people. He shall never salute the Union Jack even if the British chop his fingers off.
edit Step nine: Wear polo shirts
Matthlock has an obsession for this style of clothing. It is a mystery but about 80% of the shirts in his closet are polos. The remaining 6% of it is flannel, 10% is t-shirts for bands like Pink Floyd or Led Zeppelin or the Doors, 3.9% of them have some sort of funny saying on it and 0.1% of it is sweaters that he only wears at around December 15th or December 16th.
edit Step ten: Make witty sayings you can somehow claim as your own
Such as, "I like my ladies the way I like my steaks: rare and juicy, and occasionally with a side of A1 sauce."
edit Step eleven: Grow an unhealthy obsession with Final Fantasy I
Matthlock loves FF1. FACT! He loves Final Fantasy sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much. He's spent more with Final Fantasy I than he has with his girlfriend. In fact, he even has a perverted novella on Final Fantasy in the works. You can even see that FF1 is like Matthlock's nicotine.
“You are not afraid of me?? Then I am impressed!”
edit Step twelve: Write erotic novels that no one ever reads
It's true. Matthlock has a wealth of handwritten erotica at his place. However, none of them have came to light due to how embarrassed he is of them.
edit Step thirteen: Don't be Matthlock
This is probably the most important step. Matthlock is too hard to put into a few words. His mind is a land of mystery. He's a complicated man and no one understands him but his woman.
edit See also
- User talk:Matthlock
- Forum:Are you a Matthlock?
- ↑ Also, Matthlock is an Öysterhead, if he hasn't made that heartbreakingly obvious.
- ↑ And possibly Wikipedia
- ↑ Or is that overly?
- ↑ However, we will not say that because nicotine addiction is no laughing matter. In fact, nicotine is like a shark.
- ↑ Some of the over 194 erotic novels Matthlock has written include Fistings of Fury, Planet of the Rapes, Missionary Position Impossible, Beauty and the Beast With Two Backs, The Italian Blowjob and most embarrassingly of all Lapp Dances: 32 Tales of Finland.