User:Matthlock/Barnes Been Beyond Before But Believe Barnes, Barnes Being Bolmontious Bout Being There 2: BED, BARNES & BEYOND

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“Where humor is concerned, there are no standards — no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. Only a very foolish man will use a form of language that is wholly uncertain in its effect. That is the nature of humor.”
“I knew a Modusoperandi once, good fella...big guy, head like a beach ball. Enjoyed eating grapes, if memory serves...”
~ Anonymous on Modusoperandi
“I'm a cowboy...on a seahorse I ride, 'cause I'm wanted (wanted). Dead or alive”
~ Modusoperandi on Modusoperandi
“There is a fine line between intelligence and an undying knowledge of worthless facts. Although I don't know if I possess the first, I know for certain that I possess the latter.”
~ Matthlock on intelligence
“Such a pretty ass, such a pretty girl. (Such a pretty house, such a pretty garden.)”
Cobain smoking

"Stop ripping off my quotes!"

“There is plenty of Hühnerfleisch in the Kühlschrank. (There is plenty of chicken in the fridge.)”
~ Kurt Cobain on August 27, 1991
“We're waiting for the dinosaurs to die out. They will die. And then we'll move into their homes.”
~ Kurt Cobain on February 14, 1992
“I spent all of my life trying to stay away from sports and here I am in a sporting arena.”
~ Kurt Cobain on December 30, 1993
“OK, you trained monkeys, everybody jump up and down. Let's bring back the good old pogo!”
~ Kurt Cobain on December 31, 1993
“This song is dedicated to Frank Zappa, and River Phoenix, Fred Gwynne who played Herman Munster, Dixie Lee Ray, Thomas P, Tip O'Neill, and you, dumbass, who just threw water on me.”
~ Kurt Cobain on January 7, 1994
“I wish you would stop stealing dead people's quotes.”
~ Kurt Cobain on July 26, 2012
“Today I will once more be a prophet: If the international protocol financiers in and outside Uncyclopedia should succeed in plunging these pages once more into a revert war, then the result will not be the ruination of these pages, and thus the victory of the Vandal, but the very annihilation of the Vandal in Uncyclopedia!”
~ Hitler on Ban Patrol Holocaust
“Vandal: a. Someone who willfully destroys or defaces property or b.A member of the Germanic people who overran Gaul and Spain and North Africa and sacked Rome in 455. So ask yourself, when you write someone down as a "vandal" in BP, do you blame him for sacking Rome back in 455 as well as blanking Tits?”
~ Oscar Wilde on Ban Patrol
“Wikipedia hasn't heard of you. Neither have we.”
~ ChiefjusticeDS on being a dick
Pitythefool

Mr. T says, "I pity these fools, 'cause they don't quit their jobs you crack smoking whore jibbajabba!"

“Hey, everybody gotta' put on clothes and if you don't you get arrested.”
“I ain't no computer hacker!”
“I believe in the Golden Rule - The Man with the Gold... rules.”
“It takes a smart guy to play dumb.”
~ Mr. T on intelligence
“I remember one time I tried to pity this fool. He told me his name was Jeff. He was married. He pulled out his wallet and showed me three pictures of his kids; Kelly, Robert, Brittany. Real cute kids. Don't get too close man. It's hard to pity a fool if you get too close.”
“I pity the university for not giving T enough time. You know I got all duded up, got dressed, the students were all ready for me, then they gave me short time. So I pity them. So if they want to be unpitied, they'll invite me back and give me more time.”
~ Mr. T on UCLA
“I think about my father being called 'boy,' my uncle being called 'boy,' my brother, coming back from Vietnam and being called 'boy.' So I questioned myself: 'What does a black man have to do before he's given the respect as a man?' So when I was 18 years old, when I was old enough to fight and die for my country, old enough to drink, old enough to vote, I said I was old enough to be called a man. I self-ordained myself Mr. T so the first word out of everybody's mouth is 'Mr.' That's a sign of respect that my father didn't get, that my brother didn't get, that my mother didn't get.”
~ Mr. T on males
“Love is a verb... and verbs show action.”
~ Mr. T on love
“You gonna lose a deal over $35? Thats chump change! My lunch cost $35!”
“Hey foo, this ain't no football game!”
“Do you know me? Of course you do. 'Cause I'm famous!”
“Shut up Murdoch, crazy fool!”
“content was: 'The Bravery are a really fucking god awful band with bad haircuts. I wish they didn't make music.'”
~ Some dick on the Bravery
“But nothing's unconditional.”
“I thought the symbol of English pride was the Sex Pistols!”
~ Matthlock on pride
“Not bad.”
“I'm Croatian.”
~ Dream Pac-Man on Non-canonical stuff
“A long time friendly, disturbing, creepy, dirty, often autistic admin.”
“It's so warm and gooey. It's a great drink on a cold autumn day.”
“Boo Uncyclopedia. Boo this site. 5 years of dread.”
“At one point in time, I went to the bathroom, locked the door, rubbed lotion onto the tail end of a plunger, and inserted it into my anus. Proceeding from there, I stuck it up against the wall so that I would have to bend over as the plunger repeatedly went in and out of my anus. I derived great pleasure from doing this and masturbating simultaneously. Of course, before and after this activity I rigorously sterilized the plunger end and my hands. I made sure to neither insert the plunger in deeper than was comfortable nor do the activity immediately before or after having a bowel movement. Recently I have stopped this practice for health reasons. It is a well known fact that circumcision decreases sensitivity and hence pleasure in the penis, so I believe that, being circumcised, it is perfectly normal to experiment with masturbation techniques that could augment the pleasure. Thus, this website is not so weird when one considers its overall mission, that is, to make the masturbation experience of boys from 4-12 more enjoyable and fulfilling- without getting caught looking at videos of Grandma and Grandpa Smith mutilating a young girl's vagina whilst engaging in anal sex with a shemale. :)”
“I can't speak it but I believe it's a beautiful language.”
~ Matthlock on Arabic
“I'd probably ride my bike over to McDonalds and buy myself a one-dollar McChicken if I didn't find myself trapped to Uncyclopedia at the current moment.”
~ Matthlock on his plans
“The red Power Ranger's gay!”
~ Jesse on Power Rangers
Turboranger

Is the red ranger gay or what?

Dude, this is the feeble sequel for User:Matthlock/Barnes Been Beyond Before But Believe Barnes, Barnes Being Bolmontious Bout Being There. Enjoy!

edit So there I was

warming up for a Paris, doing my Heart thing with the Gym shit and the Mountain, right? Like, John Prescott urine shit.

edit and this fucking Penis

bursts out of my fucking boxer shorts, semen all over the place, and instead of going for a Kate Bush, it makes fellatio straight for my mouth. Like WTF?

edit so I pulled out my

testicles and finally got to give myself a blowjob for the first time ever, after years and years of trying (seriously!), and they try to sexual intercourse me from the gym! WTF?

I barely got away with a major Ejaculation and a flaccid corpus cavernosum.

edit No, seriously.

Courtney Love killed Kurt Cobain.

edit Other stuff

RAHB

edit Taxes

Omg Mega Tax Evasion
Omg Mega Tax Evasion
Omg Mega Tax Evasion
Omg Mega Tax Evasion
Omg Mega Tax Evasion
Omg Mega Tax Evasion
Omg Mega Tax Evasion


edit Admins

Big Brother

We are Admins. We are active. We know where you live. We know where your wife lives. We know your pet hamster. Intimately.

The Following list of sysops tend to respond when asked to help. The rest of them are either dead, missing in action, or undergoing a sex change operation as we speak.

edit MEMORABLE LINES

BRUCE WAYNE (on the Batmobile, to Lucius): Does it come in black?

JIM GORDON (on the Batmobile, staring at the Batmobile): I’ve gotta get me one of those.

edit Your brother

Considering that both you and I were adopted by Frosty on the Adopt-A-Noob program, I can say we're like brothers. Welcome aboard! I normally dislike the English but considering that we're both adopted Frosty (and born in the same decade), I can put aside our differences for the good of universal brotherhood.

So welcome to the machine! Welcome to the machine Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 20:33, July 20, 2012 (UTC)

I hate the British too, fuck the British they are their own enemy I always say! Or always think or something like that. And yes hello whatever your name is. --MasterWangs Dildoriken.gif CUNT and proud of it! 07:24, July 22, 2012 (UTC)
It is Matthlock. A portmanteau mix of Matthew (my name) and Matlock. A British Anglophobe, I see. Well, we are different but the same in that manner. Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 16:58, July 25, 2012 (UTC)
Yes, I suppose we are. --MasterWangs Dildoriken.gif CUNT and proud of it! 11:01, July 26, 2012 (UTC)

edit When I got home

Samus2

This is a drawing of my girlfriend. She's not a video game character! God! You're an idiot if you think I'm lying! How could she be a video game character if she's Canadian?! Idiot!

When I got home, my mommy was all, "Honey! Sweep the living room!" My name is John, not Honey! Honey is something bees make! God, what an idiot! Then, I was all, "Charlene! Where's the broom!?", and she started yelling at me for calling her Charlene. God! That's her name. What an idiot! *sniff* Yuck! Did you fart?! God! What an idiot!

Then Sting came home and told me he was leaving my mom, and I was, "Duh! You leave everyday when you go to work! You're an idiot!" Then he punched me. He's so stupid. He told me while my Dad was punching me, but he punched me! God, he's an idiot!

So anyway, I got on the computer and Google'd "Man fucking appliances" cause my girlfriend couldn't come over and have hot, steamy sex with me today cause She doesn't exist. My girlfriend is so hot, man. She's hotter than Huey Lewis! I think it's because she's Canadian. You're an idiot if you don't believe me! So yeah, this video came up of a guy dry-humping an electrical water heater. God! What an idiot! Everyone knows gas-heated water heaters do a better job warming the water evenly! That Dennis Miller was an idiot! I swear to God! I posted a link on Wikipedia to a Goa Tse cause it's funny! I got banned from posting. God, those guys are idiots! Where is their sense of humour?!

edit UnPoetia:Ronald Mcdonald

This poem is an ode to her beloved husband, Ronald Mcdonald, by P. T. Cruiser

"How dear my lovely Ronald,


The mascot of Mcdonald,


How I love my Ronald,


Every single day.

With his pale face and,


His fluffy red hair,


That's my Ronald,


We are a pair.

We are best friends,


Will be until the end,


Me and Ronald,


The mascot of Mcdonald.

We will be best friends,


Until our divorce,


Which I believe is,


A driving force."

edit I think I might've banged the tanned European chick in the knee-high socks

MqdefaultCAI0F7BW

Yeah, totally.

edit Only u can understand this ABSOLUTE MASTERPIECE OF VANDAL-HUMOUR. Am wastin' my time with this vanker-wikipedists

DEDICATED TO OUR LOVE DOGGY! :-*** --Vandal-Patroller (talk) 01:15, April 29, 2012 (UTC)

HOW MANY VFD MUST A MAN CREATE DOWN

BEFORE YOU CALL HIM A WANKER?

HOW MANY PAGES MUST A BLANKER DOVE BLANK

BEFORE HE SLEEPS IN K-LINE?

YES AND HOW MANY TIMES MUST THE RANGEBLOCK FLY

BEFORE YOU'RE FOREVER BANNED

THE ANSWER MY FRIEND IS BLOWING IN THE JOB

THE ANSWER IS BLOWING IN THE JOB

edit Hot Rats

Aside from the experimental side project Lumpy Gravy, Hot Rats was the first album Frank Zappa recorded as a solo artist sans the Mothers, though he continued to employ previous musical collaborators, most notably multi-instrumentalist Ian Underwood. Other than another side project -- the doo wop tribute Cruising With Ruben and the Jets -- Hot Rats was also the first time Zappa focused his efforts in one general area, namely jazz-rock. The result is a classic of the genre. Hot Rats' genius lies in the way it fuses the compositional sophistication of jazz with rock's down-and-dirty attitude -- there's a real looseness and grit to the three lengthy jams, and a surprising, wry elegance to the three shorter, tightly arranged numbers (particularly the sumptuous "Peaches en Regalia"). Perhaps the biggest revelation isn't the straightforward presentation, or the intricately shifting instrumental voices in Zappa's arrangements -- it's his own virtuosity on the electric guitar, recorded during extended improvisational workouts for the first time here. His wonderfully scuzzy, distorted tone is an especially good fit on "Willie the Pimp," with its greasy blues riffs and guest vocalist Captain Beefheart's Howlin' Wolf theatrics. Elsewhere, his skill as a melodist was in full flower, whether dominating an entire piece or providing a memorable theme as a jumping-off point. In addition to Underwood, the backing band featured contributions from Jean-Luc Ponty, Lowell George, and Don "Sugarcane" Harris, among others; still, Zappa is unquestionably the star of the show. Hot Rats still sizzles; few albums originating on the rock side of jazz-rock fusion flowed so freely between both sides of the equation, or achieved such unwavering excitement and energy. ~ Steve Huey, All Music Guide

Track List:

  1. Peaches en Regalia
  2. Willie the Pimp
  3. Son of Mr. Green Genes
  4. Little Umbrellas
  5. The Gumbo Variations
  6. It Must Be a Camel

Copyright © All Media Guide, LLC, used with permission.

edit Earth to Skullthumper

Joel

Yeah, my friend Joel sure was a laugh riot.

This is last warning, Skullthumper. Archvie your talk page now, or I will have to archive it for you. And don't make me do that! Move your talk page now, or I will have to put this problem up with somebody else.

Also, on a more lighthearted note, I'm glad you enjoyed the question I asked you on Formspring. I'm really happy you featured it on your userpage. It was just a question that came out from one of the myriad goofy conversations I had with my friend Joel. He and I have had the most ridiculous talks ever; and I am personally amazed that I've got passing grades in any classes I had with him.

But more importantly, MOVE YOUR TALK PAGE NOW. Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg Dafydd el Gordon-gekko-from-wall-street 600px-Flag of Romania.svg Idi Amin Angryblackman Flag of Andorra LOTL-11 Have-you-seen-this-boy 800px-Flag of Nicaragua.svg Blue Öyster Cult Kurt Demmler 1989 The Honorable Flag of Quebec 23:19, June 27, 2012 (UTC)

  1. You have no authority to order someone to archive their talkpage, let alone to do it for them.
  2. Dr. Skullthumper has been inactive lately, as should be obvious from the timespan between the above two unanswered posts. You shouldn't expect people to do things (e.g. archive their talkpage) when they're clearly absent from the wiki. Sir SockySexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk)Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 23:32, 27 June 2012

edit I remember getting kidnapped by those dogs and having a howling good time with them!

All in all, it's been a great summer.

edit Fame

He rather quickly became the bitch of Cannon Film, a studio specializing in the production of D action movie. Reportedly, they were impressed by his fighting style, which they said "could easily fuck up any Asian that came around the place." This statement was in stark contrast to his first movie, where he played the villain opposite Bruce Lee (and got predictably pwned). However, ignoring this blatant inconsistency, their analysis of him proved to be extremely lucrative. From 1977 to the late 1980s, he starred in multiple blockbuster movies, including the movie version of HowTo:Write the Great American Novel.

However, though it took about five years too many, people finally started catching on that all of these movies were redundancy. Sales plummeted almost instantly, and Cannon Films soon filed Contents (Nonsense) 11 bankruptcy. Unwilling to return to his dual job as a karaoke singer moonlighting as an Asian prostitute, he made more box-office flops for minimal gain. Finally, he fell the final rung, and was back where he started. Sinking into drink and picking Random Page barfights for cash, Norris seemed to have hit rock arse. However, during one particularly drunken spell in which he began spewing anti-Semitic remarks, he got offered the job that would HowTo:Beat the Odds.

That job was the role of Cordell Walker on the Christian-themed Walker, Texas Ranger. Borrowing from the format of his famous movies of yore, the Chuck-centered TV followed a familiar formula. The variations were so slight that, were it not for the fake South motif he affected ever-so-subtly, it would be indistinguishable from such films as Redundancy, Redundant, Sequel, and Musical. Despite this, the show won multiple religion-related awards for wholesomeness and morality, and ran for eight successful seasons.

edit Humor Theory Recommendations from Anonymous

edit You're a musician

How would you like to help me with the lyrics with a song I'm writing? People liked it so far, but I didn't know where to take after the first five lines.

Here goes:

Hey there ladies!


Do you wanna blow me?


Do you wanna lay me?


Do you wanna grind me?


Do you wanna pay me?


That's all I got. Any ideas? Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 21:51, July 19, 2012 (UTC)

Methinks it needs a kazoo in it. ~[ths] UotM Eclipse Craproll MotM BePrepared 00:07, 07/20/2012

edit Fuck your garden is now on VFH

You can vote for your article if you want to. I did the nom! :) Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 20:04, July 5, 2012 (UTC)

Also, on an unrelated note, what's the name of the song that's playing in the background of your Break-up letter audio? Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 20:15, July 5, 2012 (UTC)
I believe that's Creedence Clearwater Revival's Someday Never Comes.
Well, I'm here to tell you now
each and ev'ry mother's son
You better learn it fast
You better learn it young
'cause someday never comes ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usFri, Jul 6 '12 1:14 (UTC)
Ah man! I LOVE CREEDENCE! They are so much better than the Eagles. Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 20:23, July 6, 2012 (UTC)
Big-lebowski-2

'I hate the fuckin' Eagles, man!'

Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 20:24, July 6, 2012 (UTC)
Matt, you are a man after my own Lebowski-loving, Creedence-listening, long hair-having heart :) -RAHB 21:15, July 6, 2012 (UTC)
Hey thanks man! Oh yeah, I made a new forum if you are interested in any way. Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 21:53, July 6, 2012 (UTC)

edit Accusation of rape

In March 1999, a 19-year-old woman filed a police report accusing Brock of rape. The allegations started right before Modest Mouse was to begin a nationwide tour with Seattle garage punk band Murder City Devils. The allegations led to an alleged fist fight between members of the Murder City Devils and Isaac Brock, after which Brock reportedly moved to Gainesville, Florida.[1] Charges were never pressed, and Brock maintains his innocence.[2] In a 2004 interview with The A.V. Club,[2] he claimed:

Cquote1 It's an allegation that was withdrawn, and of course that didn't get any press. It was complete and utter bullshit, and the whole situation was so complicated that it's hard for me to go into lots of detail. At the time, I figured I'd just shut up and give this young lady enough rope to hang herself, you know? It fucked up my life once, and I'd prefer to just let it go.... Before this all happened, I never believed that anyone would lie about rape. That was my stance: No one lies about this shit. It really made me have to adjust my entire view of people, politics, and my own personal politics. I used to be like, "Kill rapists!" And all of a sudden I have this false allegation against me. I remember totally writing people off that I'd heard had even been in just awkward sexual situations with girls, like "That guy's a fucking prick, I'll never talk to him again." It was weird being on the receiving end of that. A friend of mine who's actually friends with that girl recently told me that she had totally withdrawn having said anything. I only just found out about that myself in the last six months. I knew that basically everyone, up to and including the police, was like, "This is bullshit." This person changed her story depending on who she was talking to. It was really just this fucked-up, weird thing. Cquote2

—Isaac Brock, The A.V. Club

edit Everybody Hates James [4.9] 11-28-2008

Rochelle: Hello. Thank you for calling. Nobody is available to take your call right now. Please leave a message at the sound of the beep.

Rochelle: What's this?
Narrator: Flowers from a white person's garden.

Narrator: Tryin' to find a black kid in Bed-Stuy was like tryin' to find a needle in a needle stack.

Narrator: Just because James didn't want a Brother from Another Mother, didn't mean he wasn't gettin' one.

Mr. Perkins: 3:00 P.M. See you tomorrow.
Narrator: No he won't.

Narrator: James was tough, but he was still 12.

Rochelle: Who the hell is Oprah?
Narrator: That was the last time those words were ever spoken.

Rochelle: Oprah doesn't know what I look like without my makeup!
Narrator: And neither did my father.

James: I'm not pettin' no farm animals.
Narrator: He was also allergic to goats.

Julius: Did you just pick our lock with a credit card?
Jerome: This? Nah, this was an accident. I thought this was my house.
Chris: You live across the street.
Jerome: Sorry man, I'm dyslexic.

Narrator: After all was said and done, I found out a few things about James. His real name was Cleavon, he was raised by the streets, and he was still a 12-year-old kid.

Narrator: I already had a younger brother from the same mother. The last thing I wanted was one from another mother.
Mr. Perkins: Being a Brother from Another Mother is a huge responsibility. Your influence is molding a mind, changing the course of a life.
Narrator: You could say the same thing about crack.

Rochelle: If nothing's wrong, then why are you bringin' me flowers?
Julius: I'm just tryin' to treat you the way I would wanna be treated if I was married to me.
Narrator: Now legal in California.

edit Question, Lyrithya

I apologize for sounding rude, but are you from the South, Lyrithya? Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 20:12, July 17, 2012 (UTC)

I am south of something, yes. 1234 ~ 16px-Pointy 01:18, 18 July 2012
To me, you're all Northerners. (Except Joey Numbers. Damned Southerner.)                               Puppy's talk page01:31 18 Jul

edit Wow

Are you from Georgia (the country)? Amazing! Georgia (the country) is my dream vacation! Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 18:32, July 27, 2012 (UTC)

Technically I'm American, but my entire family is Georgian and I consider my self a Georgian too. That's awesome, always nice to hear that someone know about (and likes) my country. Have you visited before? --OliOmniOmbudsman Dumbo 19:32, July 27, 2012 (UTC)
No, but I'd love to. When most people think of Georgia, they think of peaches and Savannah and stuff right, when I think of Georgia I think of Tbilisi and Stalin and soaking up in the Black Sea sun. Yeah, Georgia is totally my dream vacation. Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 18:22, July 28, 2012 (UTC)
Don't forget the fantastic snow mountains for skiing. You should definitely go when you get the chance, the place has improved significantly over the past decade. Anytime in the season is a great time to go, except I like it more when the grape harvest is over. Lots of wine around that time. --OliOmniOmbudsman Dumbo 18:45, July 28, 2012 (UTC)
Awesome. Probably my biggest obstacles in going to some place far away is the fact that I don't even have any money and the fact that I don't even have a passport, but once I get those two things, I'll definitely go to Georgia, or someplace of its likeness. Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 20:41, July 28, 2012 (UTC)
Ah yes, those are quite some obstacles. Hope you can head over sooner rathe than later, let me know how you like it! --OliOmniOmbudsman Dumbo 03:58, July 30, 2012 (UTC)
How I like what? Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 17:22, July 31, 2012 (UTC)
Georgia. If you ever get a chance to go. --OliOmniOmbudsman Dumbo 15:55, August 1, 2012 (UTC)
Oh okay, I can do that. Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 18:25, August 1, 2012 (UTC)

edit Qzekrom

FUCK THE BRITISH! Get that fag flag off your userpage. Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 17:21, July 31, 2012 (UTC)

"Congress shall make no law... abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press." I'm just trying to be an asshat to the IOC. If you want to find out more, check out #nbcfail on Twitter or G+. ~ QZEKЯOM Icons-flag-olyIcons-flag-usIcons-flag-jm Proud sponsor of Team Zombiebaron Tw$*ty Tw%#ve G*me$ FTW! Let's go for the g^@d! 23:43, July 31, 2012 (UTC)
ChiefJusticeDS is a Brit, and if he hears you, you'll get banned from him. Also, we have our own fail page dedicated for Australians. GiratinaOriginForme |Si Plebius Dato' (Sir) Joe ang Kyurem CUN|IC Kill 800px-Flag of the Philippines svg | 06:41, August 1, 2012 (UTC)
The IOC is a bunch of asshats when it comes to intellectual property. If you don't want us to get taken off the net, stop flying that fucking flag. 68.173.113.106 13:55, August 1, 2012 (UTC)
You're an asshat when it comes to intellectual property, IP. Kindly fuck off. ~ QZEKЯOM Icons-flag-olyIcons-flag-usIcons-flag-jm Proud sponsor of Team Zombiebaron Tw$*ty Tw%#ve G*me$ FTW! Let's go for the g^@d! 13:57, August 1, 2012 (UTC)
Said IP is probably unaware that we are hosted on US servers and as such not bound by UK law that have been enacted to get around international IP laws in relationship to the 0l¥m1c5.                               Puppy's talk page01:44 02 Aug
No law - including US, UK and Easter Island law - gives a fuck about Uncyclopedia userpages. What is amusing is your "Terms of Use" which is the least enforcable load of bollocks I've ever read. mAttlobster. (hello) 08:41, August 2, 2012 (UTC)
My "Terms of Use" is supposed to satire stuff that companies with websites try to make you do (or not do), such as not linking to their websites. ~ QZEKЯOM Icons-flag-olyIcons-flag-usIcons-flag-jm Proud sponsor of Team Zombiebaron Tw$*ty Tw%#ve G*me$ FTW! Let's go for the g^@d! 14:59, August 2, 2012 (UTC)

edit I'm planning on writing this article

It's about a man being harassed by a dentist from Afghanistan. However, I'm uncertain if it should be a regular article or an UnScript. There will be some parts in my work that are going to be very dialogue-driven so I'm thinking it should be an UnScript, but on the other hand, there are other parts that are going to be spoken by the main character only; and likewise, there'll be some parts that are solely the Afghan dentist's monologue and explanation.

So I'm thinking UnScripts probably but I am uncertain. What do you think?

(Also can you run over to McDonalds and get me a McChicken? I'm real hungry for one right now.) Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 20:19, July 26, 2012 (UTC)

edit You missed my first message but that's all right

Besides that article idea, tell me what you think of these ideas.

  1. I'm planning on writing an article on Last Man Standing. I'm definitely going to write it in the style of Tim Allen's character. If you haven't heard of the show, I recommend you read up on it and watch a couple of episodes to get the gist of it.
  2. I'm also planning on this article. It's more of an idea right now. It's called Absolutely Polandtastic. I got that idea when I was eating kielbasa and pierogies last night. I think it could work, once I get a full grasp on what I'm going to write for that article plan.
  3. Also, have you read up on my message about my article idea about an Afghan dentist?

Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 17:27, August 2, 2012 (UTC)

Sorry to have missed the message bro! Yes, I think Unscipt would work best for that, and I think the "Last Man Standing" article is a great idea! I'm not sure about the Polandtastic thing, but I like the way you got the idea LOL Snowflake mini Mattsnow 17:31, August 2, 2012 (UTC)

edit User:RAHB/Frank Zappa

I read your bit on Zappa. Seems pretty straightforward. I don't know much about him (although my dad's crazy for him). I do, however, currently have Apostrophe (') on hold at the library, although it seems as though it's not coming anytime soon. But once I got a hold on everything and have all the materials needed, I'll probably do the re-write on Zappa. Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 17:18, July 31, 2012 (UTC)

Most of what's on that page isn't actually "my bit on Zappa". It's in my userspace because it's just a list of ideas and then a bunch of stuff that I lifted from the current revision (which I had nothing to do with) in the hopes of properly rewriting the article into something genuinely amusing and also befitting of the man himself. Be my guest at doing the rewrite, since I've been stalling on it, mainly because of perfectionism. I must say though, it's probably going to take a lot more research than simply the most commercially successful of his 91 albums in order to paint a terribly accurate picture :P -RAHB 19:54, July 31, 2012 (UTC)
Okay. Also I currently got the Real Frank Zappa book on hold as well. Would you also recommend watching bits from 200 Motels to be helpful to get an idea? Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 17:37, August 3, 2012 (UTC)
Oh, dude, yes. The Real Frank Zappa book is probably the best reference you could possibly have. I recommend reading it for writing the article, but I also just recommend reading it for enjoyment in general because it's a hell of a book. 200 Motels would also be excellent to watch because it depicts a lot of Frank's ideas of what touring and being a professional musician are like. Beyond that, both are pretty damn funny in my opinion. Unfortunately 200 Motels is hard to get a hold of because the masters were destroyed by the production company a long time ago and there's currently no DVD release, but there are a number of video rips on various internet sites and the like. Those would be excellent. -RAHB 01:05, August 4, 2012 (UTC)

edit With Teeth

TreИt, iИ his iИsaИity, ripped out his owИ teeth aИd attached them to aИ electric razor, much like the ИiИe IИch Иails razor, and used the razor to cut himself to death. We're Иot exactly sure why he used his teeth; clearly this was a deeply symbolic act entreИched in dark overtoИes, depictiИg the tragic fall of a maИ. That or we was so Bat Fuck Insane that he just felt like rippiИg out his owИ teeth[3].

After TreИt's death, Johnny Cash payed tribute to TreИt's jiИgle-writing legacy by coveriИg one of TreИt's soИgs, "Hurt". Twilight Zone. Upon heariИg that JohИИy had played her graИsoИ's soИg without permissioИ, GraИdmother RezИor took him to court on behalf of her soИ. JohИИy's childreИ theИ weИt to court oИ behalf of their father. IИ aИ iroИic twist, it became the world's first legal proceediИg to be fought betweeИ two dead people. This very battle rages to this day.

edit These messages were sent while you were offline.

12:31 PM Miau: You... DIED! :( 12:34 PM Boo-hoo-hoo!


10 minutes

12:45 PM Miau: And we were just having the greatest time...

 Wait a min, you're spying me huh?
 BUSTED!

12:46 PM Pretending to be offline... Clever.

 Damn.
 And I thought so.


6 minutes

12:53 PM Miau: Whatever, call me in Uncyc if you need me! But fast then, I'm going to sleep soon.


XrayLhand <center> This user is left-handed.
In Latin they would be sinister.
(List of left-handed Uncyclopedians)</center>





For all those left handers out there. Based on the wikipedia template. I'm not sure how to make it automatically add names to the category like:
Finder This user is a Mac User.
Eat up.
(List of Mac-Using Uncyclopedians)

does. Could someone with a bit more ability please do that? Tuck99sig.pngTuckdotsmall.jpg Tuck99 04:07, 2 December 2006 (UTC)

  • There you go. I am flattered that my MacUser template is your idea of how a template should look. --Sir Zombiebaron 09:15, 2 December 2006 (UTC)
    • resized x ray img to 45px X 45px. -- mowgli 09:51, 2 December 2006 (UTC)
  • thanks guys Tuck99sig.pngTuckdotsmall.jpg 05:35, 3 December 2006 (UTC)

Ooh ooh ooh! May I suggest the obvious alternative 'This user is right-handed; in Latin they would be Dexter', accompanied by this image?
Dexter

I am always right!

Dutchy 12:33, 4 December 2006 (UTC)

I think you needs the image on the other side with the text on the left, since it's a left handed template as well as a template for left handed people (does that make sense?) love, gustav talk at menope 01:33, 11 December 2006 (UTC)

  • For 90% of the population:
This user is right-handed.

In Latin they would be Dexter.

Dexter


(will automatically be placed to the right of the page)Tuck99sig.pngTuckdotsmall.jpg 07:26, 20 December 2006 (UTC)

edit All this talk of left-handedness has inspired me to create a template that is totally irrelevant to the discussion in all manners

Baphomet
This user walks down the
left hand path
.
Thus, they would be considered evil by the Catholic Church.
(List of left hand path Uncyclopedians)

--General Insineratehymn 21:32, 21 December 2006 (UTC)

edit Ahem

What about ambidextrous users? Do we have to put both templates on our userpage?


I prefer a pislexic sbell checker. --HPSigHP talk KUN Icons-flag-pi 07:02, 30 December 2006 (UTC)
All this talk of satanists & dyslexics reminds me of the dyslexic satanist who sold his soul to santa. Tuck99sig.pngTuckdotsmall.jpg 05:39, 6 January 2007 (UTC)

I could easily implement that darn infinite for template to destroy all templates here. :) - RougethebatAdmiral Enzo Aquarius-Dial the Gate SonicLivesPicture 03:49, 14 March 2008 (UTC)
Unless it really needs a response, god damn you!! Ahhhh! Spang talk 05:31, 14 Mar 2008
That was actually the IP's fault. - P.M., WotM, & GUN, Sir Led Balloon Baloon(Tick Tock) (Contribs) 10:36, Mar 14

edit Blue Öyster Cult

Blue Öyster Cult was the thinking man's heavy metal group. Put together on a college campus by a couple of rock critics, it maintained a close relationship with a series of literary figures (often in the fields of science fiction and horror), including Eric Von Lustbader, Patti Smith, Michael Moorcock, and Stephen King, while turning out some of the more listenable metal music of the early and mid-'70s. The band that became Blue Öyster Cult was organized in 1967 at Stony Brook College on Long Island by students (and later rock critics) Sandy Pearlman and Richard Meltzer as Soft White Underbelly and consisted of Andy Winters (bass), Donald "Buck Dharma" Roeser (guitar), John Wiesenthal — quickly replaced by Allen Lanier — (keyboards), and Albert Bouchard (drums), with Pearlman managing and Pearlman and Meltzer writing songs. Initially without a lead singer, they added Les Bronstein on vocals. This quintet signed to Elektra Records and recorded an album that was never released. They then dropped Bronstein and replaced him with their road manager, Eric Bloom, as the band's name was changed to Oaxaca. A second Elektra album also went unreleased, though a single was issued under the name the Stalk-Forrest Group.

Cut loose by Elektra, they changed their name again, to Blue Öyster Cult, and signed to Columbia Records in late 1971, by which time Winters had been replaced by Albert Bouchard's brother Joe. Blue Öyster Cult, their debut album, was released in January 1972 and made the lower reaches of the charts. Columbia sent a promotional EP, Live Bootleg, to radio stations in October, and followed with BÖC's second album, Tyranny & Mutation, in February 1973. Their third album, Secret Treaties, was released in April 1974 and became their first to break into the Top 100 bestsellers. (It eventually went gold.) BÖC released a live double album, On Your Feet or on Your Knees, in February 1975. In May 1976, came their fourth studio album, Agents of Fortune, including the Top 40 (Top Ten on some charts) hit single "(Don't Fear) The Reaper" (featured in the classic John Carpenter horror film Halloween), which became their first gold and then platinum album. (On Your Feet went gold shortly after.) BÖC's sixth overall album, Spectres, was released in October 1977 and went gold in January 1978. In September 1978 came a second live album, Some Enchanted Evening, which eventually would become BÖC's second million-seller, followed by the studio album Mirrors in June 1979. A year later, BÖC released its ninth album, Cultosaurus Erectus, with the gold Fire of Unknown Origin, containing the Top 40 hit "Burnin' for You," following in June 1981.

In the summer of 1981, drummer Albert Bouchard was replaced by the band's tour manager and lighting designer, Rick Downey. BÖC's third live album, Extraterrestrial Live, was released in April 1982, followed by the studio album The Revolution by Night in October 1983. Downey left in 1984 and was replaced in 1985 by Jimmy Wilcox. The same year, Lanier left and was replaced by Tommy Zvonchek. BÖC released its 13th album, Club Ninja, in January 1986. Bassist Joe Bouchard left in 1986 and was replaced by Jon Rogers. In 1987, Lanier returned to the group, and Ron Riddle replaced Wilcox on drums. BÖC's 14th album, the concept recording Imaginos, became their final new album on Columbia Records in July 1988. BÖC scored the movie Bad Channels in 1992, by which time Chuck Burgi had replaced Ron Riddle on drums. In 1994, Blue Öyster Cult released Cult Classic, an album of re-recorded favorites, in connection with the use of their music in the TV miniseries of horror novelist Stephen King's The Stand. Numerous lineup changes ensued throughout the '90s (as the band kept on touring the world), and in 1995, were the subject of a double disc anthology, Workshop of the Telescopes. By the late '90s, BÖC had signed with the CMC label, resulting in their first album of all-new studio material in ten years, 1998's Heaven Forbid, and three years later The Curse of the Hidden Mirror. The group's music reached a whole new generation of hard rock fans when Metallica covered the BÖC classic "Astronomy" for their best-selling Garage Inc. album in 1998, as a few other best-of collections surfaced around the same time — Super Hits and Don't Fear the Reaper: The Best Of. In 2001, Columbia/Legacy reissued BÖC's first four releases with a newly remastered sound and added bonus tracks.

edit 1. Sapphire bullets are made of pure love.

Sapphires

Worthless. Just fucking worthless.

I spent seven of the best years of my life trying to construct List of weapons that don't exist, but should. How cool would that have been? Slaying my enemies and various tin cans with sapphires - that would put me in a category of cool normally reserved for James Bond (character) HowTo:Be A Supervillain.

Unfortunately, I quickly found that sapphires have a tendency to shatter upon reaching high velocities. Every afternoon, I'd test my latest batch of sapphire bullets, and every evening, I'd be plucking shards of sapphire out of my chest with tweezers.

My Why?:Is my molten steel bill so high? really started getting out of control, too. I quickly developed a $30,000 a day sapphire habit. Eventually, I had to subsidize an African sapphire mining cartel, and that got out of hand pretty fast, as they quickly started slaughtering each other with machetes made of sapphire. The low point was when I took an African woman on a date, and she laid eggs on my skin which hatched into maggots that chewed their way out of my flesh several days later. Actually, it turns out that she was a tumbu fly, and not an African woman, but they look pretty much the same.

I didn't hit upon the formula until years later: sapphire bullets are not made of sapphires. They are made of User:Orian57. Had I taken the time to purchase and listen to Flood, I could have saved myself years of sapphire shard and maggot-related pain.

edit About the Song

Bestbuddies

Dylan (left) and Halford (right) were close friends in the late sixties. At the time, Halford was an aspiring singer trying to find his voice, while Dylan, already a popular folk singer, had just released his eighth studio album and was going through a quarter-life crisis.

Although Dylan is never explicitly mentioned in the lyrics, a number of Stating the bleedin' obvious suggest that the song is about him. The lyrics cite "eyes bluer than robins' eggs" and describes the subject as "unwashed", both of which certainly match Dylan physically. A memory in the song takes place in winter at a "UnNews:North Korea's "Hotel of Doom" wakes from its coma" overlooking Washington Square in Greenwich Village, New York City, which corresponds to a time and a place where Halford and Dylan spent a lot of time together. The song speaks of a "vagabond" who "burst on the scene, already a legend", a clear reference to Dylan. The subject is Literary Criticism, which fits the common description of Dylan as "a hypercritical Narcissism" by other folk singers. Lastly, the subject is labeled "good with words, and at keeping things vague", which fits with Dylan's reputation for Category:Long articles that ramble on about nothing.

In his autobiography, Halford recounts the following conversation with Dylan, in which he proposes an alternative theory.

Cquote1 "You gonna sing that song about robin's eggs and diamonds?" Bob had asked me.

"Stained Class? We always sing that one."
"No, no, You know, that one about..."
"Oh", I said, "you must mean Diamonds & Rust. That's such a lovely song. Have I ever told you what it's about?"
"Well, I just..."
"I wrote it for an old cell-mate, wikipedia:David Harris (protester)."
"For your cell-mate?" Bob said.
"Yeah. Who did you think it was about?" I stonewalled.
"Oh, hey, what the fuck do I know?"
"He was a wonderful chap. Nicest man I met in prison. I could have spent my life with him but he was Queen Jane Approximately. We had a fantastic arrangement. HowTo:Get Along in Prison, for Wimps"
"Isn't it usually the other way around?"
"You know me. Never mind. I'll sing it, if you like."


Cquote2
- Rob Halford, A THREE AND A HALF OCTAVE VOCAL RANGE TO SING WITH, 1992

edit This makes sense

What the fuck you just say silly me, you little bitch? And you and I know I graduated top of my class in the Navy, and I have been involved in the secret raids on several Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has confirmed more than kill. I trained in a gorilla war and I top sniper in the entire U.S. armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. We will wipe you from having sex with the likes of precision that has never been seen before on this earth, remember my words absurd. You think you can get away with saying that shit me online? Think again, Idiot. And as we speak I am on the secret network connection spies across the United States, and your being tracked now so you can better prepare for the storm, the larva. Storm that destroys something pathetic little call your life. You fucking dead, baby. I can be anywhere, at any time, and I can kill you in more ways, and this is just my bare hand. Not only I trained extensively in unarmed fighting, but I have access to the full arsenal of the Marine Corps, the United States, and will be used to the maximum extent to eliminate your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. Unless you may be aware of what unholy retribution your "smart" little comment on the verge of dropping on you, and you've probably held your tongue ridiculous. But you can not, do not, and now you pay the price, you damned fool. I will anger shit all over you, and you will drown in it. You fucking dead children.

edit This makes some sense

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edit This doesn't make the faintest bit of sense, unless it were in Finnegans Wake

Ma nكh هl skyf any copies only, كnt alكlbة short? Wana uأnt narf albhryة quat per tkrjt high Safi, ulqd sarكt per algarat alsryة aladyd Ali Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, ulqd أكdt often yqtl mind. Wana come tdrbt alguryla qnas alأalى per cent hrb alquat almslhة bأكmlهa alأmryكyة. La syء balnsbة intestine taken only after alهdf Vulcan. Usuf ymsh aljns luck with MRC mind mind mind before msyl yhb aldqة olathe ltd lه believe Ali هzه alأrz, tzكrua skyf كlmaty. Alqul on his mind ymكn tflt tatqd كnt Inc. has alqrf alإntrnt abr? Last aatqd mrة, alأblه. Unhn ntكlm ​​ego Ali sbكة alatsal head juasys abr connection alulayat almthdة alأmryكyة, uyjry ttba alkas book even Alan ttmكn feel better bsكl alastadad llaasfة, yrqة. Alaasfة olathe tqzy Ali syء msyr llsfqة hyatك little astdaaء. كnt skyf alqtlى, boy. Uymكnny the triangle above the houses, at the top, Wana ymكn the yqtlك btrq often, uهza discrete alaaryة Bedi. Ali ntaq uasa only come equipped tdrybهm per alqtal alأazl, Accounts shelf laden Vulcan mind trsanة كamlة fylq msaة albhryة alulayat almthdة, usuf astkdamهa shelf Aqsa Ali ujه alqarة mdaهa llqzaء mwkrtك baysة mind, alqrf small intestine. إza كnt height unless yكun alqsas unholy mother of Ali alkas book "zكyة" abortion even handle a little talyq Ali, urbma كnt aqdt lsanك skyf tall. But هl bring them ymكn, ltd tqm ​​bzlك, ualan كnt tdfa alsmn, كnt cursed idiots. I look أnhaء jmya alqrf suf wrath, usuf fyه ygrq. كnt skyf ualأtfal alqtlى.

edit References

  1. Shapiro, Samantha M. (1999-06-24). Rape Case in Limbo. The Stranger. Archived from the original on 2006-11-28. Retrieved on 2006-09-16.
  2. Cite error: Invalid <ref> tag; no text was provided for refs named Modell
  3. More like "that, or the author of this article couldn't think of a better reference to the ИiИe iИch Иails album, With Teeth".

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