User:Matthlock/Barnes Been Beyond Before But Believe Barnes, Barnes Being Bolmontious Bout Being There

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Cnorris WARNING:This user knows Chuck Norris and therefore must be either Mr. T, Chuck Norris, Oscar Wilde or dead. Proceed with caution!!!


InyourfaceM

What's that? You don't agree with His Excellency, President for Life Robert Mugabe's official policies?
You're trying to undermine Zimbabwe and her precious democracy, aren't you? TRAITORS TO THE REVOLUTION!

WHITE IMPERIALIST PIGS! GUARDS, GET 'EM!!!


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“Not funny for sober people.”
~ Dr. Skullthumper on Barnes Been Beyond Before But Believe Barnes, Barnes Being Bolmontious Bout Being There
“uhhhhh yeah”
~ Thekillerfroggy on Barnes Been Beyond Before But Believe Barnes, Barnes Being Bolmontious Bout Being There
“Expired WIP”
~ Ljlego on Barnes Been Beyond Before But Believe Barnes, Barnes Being Bolmontious Bout Being There
“this makes no sense”
~ Frosty on Barnes Been Beyond Before But Believe Barnes, Barnes Being Bolmontious Bout Being There
“This page should be Featured now, although it should include a pic of TKF with a stick up his ass.”
~ Aleister in Chains on Barnes Been Beyond Before But Believe Barnes, Barnes Being Bolmontious Bout Being There
“I've been diagnosed with Pythagorean schizophrenia. The voices in my head tell me that all the angles are dead.”
~ Modusoperandi on mental illness
“Ever hear of marsupials? Marsupials got pouches, man. Pouches.”
~ Modusoperandi on Marsupials
“At first I thought that the world was starting to go crazy; then I realized it was only because I hadn't been paying attention before.”
~ Modusoperandi on the world
“In 1994 Rob Reiner tried to eat a castle.”
~ IP on Rob Reiner
“A witty saying proves nothing.”
~ Voltaire on Oscar Wilde
“No one here gets out alive.”
“I've been double-crossed now for the very last time and now I'm finally free!”
“My eyes seemed to follow you, like a hated addiction.”
~ Conor Oberst on Laura Laurent
“Matt, sorry I was an asshole to you in the past. Have a rad summer.”
~ Nica on Matthlock
“When the world and his wife are on my back again, not enough pleasure, too much pain.”
~ Mark Burgess on the Swamp Thing
“Damned Serbs.”
“Now that we've established that the Frosty sucks, why shouldn't you vote for Frosty? I'll TELL you why. He never cleans up after vandals, doesn't tidy up in general, is horrible to newbies and losers, has a poor sense of humor, rarely demonstrates a greater maturity than any of the users here, and is an all-around twatish little bogan. ALSO, HE'S TEN YEARS OLD. Do you know that this bastard can't write? So what does he hang around here for? To shit on the community, and fail to help out in any way. THAT'S the exact opposite of "community spirit", the faggot! So put your hand over your hearts and then slap this Aussie sack of fail, this deviant homosexual. If you do, he may become disillusioned and leave. And if he does, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY ”
~ ChiefjusticeDS on fuck you
“When a man sees an animal dying he is seized with horror. What he himself consists of, his own substance, is being visibly destroyed, ceasing to exist before his very eyes. But when the dying creature is a man, and a man deeply loved, there is more to it than the horror experienced at the extinction of life: its feels like a laceration, a spiritual wound, which, like a physical wound, may heal up or may prove fatal, but it always hurts and it shrinks away from any abrasive external contact.”
“There are more love songs than anything else. If songs could make you do something, we'd all love one another.”
ChurchofCth

The church of Cthulhu

Dude, the most merciful thing in the world, I think, is the inability of the human mind to correlate all its contents. We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. The sciences, each straining in its own direction, have hitherto harmed us little; but some day the piecing together of dissociated knowledge will open up such terrifying vistas of reality, and of our frightful position therein, that we shall either go mad from the revelation or flee from the deadly light into the peace and safety of a new dark age.


So there I was

At the noogie world championships, because I can handle a noogie from anyone - except for Chuck Norris, Mr. T, Jackie Chan, Michael Clarke Duncan, or the Devil. Like fucking headstrong John Wayne badass shit.

And this fucking RAHB

Comes out of nowhere - the scent of Frank Zappa's corpse all over the place - and instead of laughing at my face and then denying me, he kindly makes a resurrectionline for this article and raises it brings it back into my user space. Like WTF?

Career comeback

U2 - The Joshua Tree movie

Ken Foree as Bono in 1993's The Joshua Tree, co-starring Dolph Lundgren, George Segal, and Beau Starr.

Ken Foree returned to acting in the critically-acclaimed role of Bono in the movie, [1], based on the classic U2 album. Though he looked nothing like the real Bono, he won yet another Academy Award in 1994.

Critical reviews of Foree in The Joshua Tree:

“Ken Foree radiates with such a John Candy, that he was such an obvious choice to play the black Bono.”
~ Peter Travers
“Why's a Michael Richards playing Bono?”
“Because Ken Foree Cool!”
~ Gene Siskel
“Ken Foree was so convincing in The Joshua Tree, that I thought a zombie was gonna jump out and Ken would bust his ass! Oh, wait, that's Dawn of the Dead.”


In 1996, Ken wanted to sell Nickelodeon a reality-sitcom exploiting his son, Kenan, and his best friend, Kel, who were both already stars of Nickelodeon's All That sketch-comedy show. The premise is that Kenan and Kel would come up with crazy schemes and get into all kind of trouble for it. The show was to be called Dawn of the Dead the Bottle, the Orange Crush will Soak the Earth. Nickelodeon liked the idea but changed the title to Kenan and Kel. The show was an overnight sensation and became one of Nickelodeon's most popular shows ever, beating SpongeBob SquarePants by lightyears.

Unfortunately, the duo aged out of their contract and the show ended in 2000. Afterwards, Ken found God and became a popular Dawn of the Dead who reached his peak in 2004 during yet another Dawn of the Dead on Monroeville. A clip of his Sunday morning show was featured in the 2004 remake of Dawn of the Dead, which re-ignited Foree's career. At the time of these attacks, Ken's brother, Ving Rhames, had taken his old police job.

In 2005, Rob Zombie called Ken up and asked him to play the critically-acclaimed and Oscar-winning role of Charlie Altamont in The Olsen Twins and then again in the critcally-acclaimed role of Big Joe Grizzley in Halloween (2007 film) in 2007. This latter role won him another Academy Award (tied with Iggy Pop), even though Foree wasn't even nominated. That's because Ken Foree is the greatest cult actor of all time!

Foree continues to act and win Academy Awards for every role he plays. He continues to own!

Magic man

Magic Man, that be you? The preceding unsigned comment was added by Aleister in Chains (talk • contribs)

Hello

Thanks a million, Sir Frosty, for showing me the ropes on Uncyclopedia. To tell you the truth, I didn't know where to start........ well, besides HTBFANJS. If you'd like to be friend, I'll give you permission to. But there's one question I'd like to ask: Are you really Australian? --Matthlock 19:16, September 6, 2011 (UTC)

Certainly I'll help you out (as long as I can claim to have adopted you. Yes I really am Australian :D ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) Icons-flag-au 06:52, September 7, 2011 (UTC)

That time I got kidnapped by rednecks

On the Saturn afternoon of September 17, 2011, I was riding my bike down the road when all of a sudden, three rednecks in a pick-up truck, with two in the front and one sitting in the bed, came across me and went after me. I tried to outrun them, but the pick-up truck was too fast, and the redneck sitting in the bed jumped out and struck me on the head with the non-shooting end of his dick and before I fell unconscious, the redneck raised his rifle in the air in triumph and made the sounds of a Tusken Raiders. When I regained consciousness, I found myself in three straitjackets, chained, locked and tied tight to a wooden chair, with my feet cuffed to the front legs of the chair. The rednecks tortured me by forcing me to listen to country music – contemporary country music on top of that. I screamed as loud as I could, saying “AAAAAAAAA! Stop! Give me some rock and roll, like Wikipedia:BÖC, or at least give me some southern rock, like Wikipedia:Marshall Tucker, but only pre-1978 Marshall Tucker.” However, those rednecks didn’t listen to my pleas. After two hours of sheer terror, I thought of a smartass escape plan. I asked one of the rednecks if he could untie me so I could go to the bathroom. So he untied me and after using the bathroom for its piss, I escaped out the window in the bathroom. However, one of the rednecks saw me escape but this is where all my karate train came in hand. I pwned that redneck a swift roundhouse kick to the face and then I got away on my bike. Needless to say, I don’t think those rednecks will be coming after me again any time within jail. And do you know just how much Iron Maiden I had to listen to to get that Utter, utter total god awful shit so bad it makes you gag and your eyes water out of my head?

My girlfriend

Okay, moving on, so Some Chick You Don't Give a Damn About must think I’m really evil. In fact, I’m so insufferable that next September, she’s going to spend a whole year India bitch said I’m always stalking her. How Cemetery of the Absurd! <Insert nervous laughter here> I mean, me an S.T.A.L.K.E.R.? That’s as likely as User:Dr. Skullthumper coming out of the closet. She even said I have a restraining order from her! Bob Saget!

It's about your back yard.

Fuckyourwifesass

Imagine ordering a 20-foot high ass like that for your kids' birthday party.

No, not your wife's back yard. Although I believe the term they're using nowadays is "euphemism" or some such. I don't fucking know. At any rate, believe me, there is nothing wrong with your wife's ass. In fact, I'd much rather your back yard consisted of nothing but a giant version of your wife's naked ass, protruding upwards from betwixt the fence posts, like some sort of Salvador Dali bouncy-house or something. Your wife has a god damned fine ass. To be perfectly honest, your mother's ass isn't half bad either for a woman of old. This is all beyond the point though.

I'm getting a little pissed off looking over into your yard with my Stalker every day and seeing that delicious fucking garden of yours, buddy. Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. I know you put that garden there to spite me, you asshole. I know you fucking want me to look at your garden every waking moment in jealous agony. You know how much I love freshly grown vegetables, and you know that between my dead-end job at the 7-11 and my copious porn-watching I have no time or energy to grow a garden of my own, harvest the vegetables, and make delicious soups, salads, and savouries with them! God, what kind of asshole fucking grows Wikipedia:Anise in his home fucking garden, anyway? I'll tell you what kind of asshole. The kind that you are.

Rise to Fame

Roundhousekick2

Chuck Norris demonstrating his deadly technique.

Returning to California, Norris decided to try his hand at becoming famous. It didn't work, and after five rejections from fringe talent agencies, he gave up. He also lost his one memento from his childhood, a plastic tangerine named Apricot. One of the Letter is reprinted here:

Cquote1 Dear Mr. Norris,
       Bullshit to inform you that your lackluster screen test with us has Nobody cares. While your ability to knock things over with considerable ease was noted, the only other thing notable about you is your Hispanic name when you are so obviously not Hispanic. Thank you for trying out for us, and enclosed you will find a bill for the damages incurred by your martial arts display.

Cordially,
J & M Talent Management
Cquote2

Kitchen sink once again into an emo anger, Norris also needed $ to pay back J & M for their stuff that he had broken. He entered into karate tournaments in an attempt to garner income, and to find the person who had stolen his childhood memento. This, too, proved to be a Fruit endeavor, as he promptly lost the first three tournaments. His little known second job as a karaoke music proved to be far more lucrative for a couple of years, while his one-time gig as a geisha turned out to be too much for him to handle.

However, very soon he turned this Spring shoe on its Cunnilingus, winning several karate tournaments consecutively, and finally avenging Apricot by killing the thief. After this, he briefly held the nickname "Apricot Avenger." He also raped those who had Pwn him in previous tournaments, an achievement that made him very Cock. This attitude led him to create his own form of martial arts called Chun Kuk Do. This form, which is deceptively similar to every other form of martial artistry ever created, became something of a fad in 1970 Hollywood. It was teacher Steve McQueen son this most precious of art forms, in fact, that attracted him to acting once again.

WTR

Oh God! Please, get that thing away!

WHAT DO I HAVE THAT OTHERS DON'T?!!!

Billymays

BILLY MAYS: YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO! YOU HAVE TO! BUY FUCKING RIGHT NOW!!!

YOU MIGHT BE ASKING YOURSELF: WHY BUY BILLY MAYS WHEN YOU CAN BUY ANOTHER, Gandhi?! I CAN GET THE POINT ACROSS WITH A FRESH CLEAN SCENT, WITHOUT AMMONIA AND WITHOUT Bleach! WATCH THIS! WATCH AS I SAND DOWN THIS VERY EXPENSIVE WOOD FLOOR WITH MY BEARD WHILE APPLYING A CLEANING SOLVENT AND TALKING! THE WOOD DRIES OUT! I ALSO HAVE A LOUD VOICE THAT CAN Asplode! NO OTHER SPOKESPERSON SPEAKS THIS FUCKING LOUD! YOU WILL ALSO NOTICE THAT I AM VERY EXPENSIVE FOR A SPOKESPERSON AND THAT IS GOOD!

Characteristics

Cool-wilde

Uncyclopedia's founder and acting Chief executive officer Oscar Wilde, seen here in 2008 on a long term sabbatical at Paradise Inc.

The site was, for a time, famous for its clever articles, but the Drama are also often cited as being a source of amusements for the You and Uncyclopedia:Administrators. The bitter in-fighting has also been used to allay many a Virginia Tech Massacre as lonely young men flock to "compete" on humour, particularly the kind of humour they have found HowTo:Get Laid.

Oscar Wilde instituted a Cabal in the early days of Uncyclopedia to run the site without his supervision. This UnBooks:The Bilderberg Group would allow for bickering about the site's direction to take place in a clean and Banana Skin Joke environment than the rest of the site. Entry to the so called Cabal for users usually depends on how vocal the current active members are and whether the more moderate voices can stand the drama of yet more "queens" coming to the fore. The Cabal system is widely criticized even by members themselves; an anonymous source has commented, "Once you’re wedged into the Cabal the only real way out is further up it."[2]

The site also has a Walpurgis Night based on Judeo-Christian beliefs, though many Walpurgis Night have been introduced for disciplining the less intelligent. Good examples of these include Sophia, Pastafarianism, Chuck Norris and Russian Reversals, which engender loyalty despite whining and in-fighting. The official Church of Uncyclopedia was dissolved alongside many of the classic memes when Oscar Wilde began his Holiday in 2008.

The gradual dissolution of on-site memes and nihilistic sentiment towards differing notions of humour was apparently due the Uncyclopedians in yet another stunt to Attention Whore of the site. The Irish from Oscar Wilde's home sty of Dublin and elsewhere around the world strongly deny this. Since then, Uncyclopedia has become more secular.[3]


Jesus Arrives, God Enters North America

Main article: Original Jesus
Wet tshirt muschis

The Angel lines up for the Gridiron national anthem. Bet you're glad it was raining that day.

God spent several thousand years watching and betting on football (Canada United States of America called it soccer). Then, suddenly, God became bored. According to Reverend James Dobson in his book Focus on the Family, this was due to the season finally ending after all the players collapsed. The Book of Gridiron football 1:3-5, says, "And it came to pass in those days that the multitude of football players were greatly exhausted, and did fall unto the ground as if dead. For the time and the season for football was without end, for in those days there was no player's union. And these are the teams and their names: the Angels and the Devils, for there were but two teams."

During the off season, which was March 25, 0005 B.C., God decided to re-examine the rest of His creation. Looking through the s Cheerleading Squad, God felt an unfamiliar feeling, which he called "Love." He immediately claimed He had created it, and called Himself "The God of Love." (Satan had actually created it 4,000 years before, calling it "Sex" and himself, "Hot Stuff.") God noticed one cheerleader in particular, primarily because she was the squad's only virgin. She was a girl between the ages of 12 and 16 and, according to Reverend Loveshade, God found her "pretty tasty." Her name was Virgin Mary, for she was betrothed to a carpenter named Joseph. God ignored the ring on her finger, and wooed her in the traditional Godly way - with a heavenly light and an invitation by an Angel followed by dinner and a movie.[4] He also tricked her into drinking two bottles of Carmel Kayoumi Shiraz wine, claiming it was "holy water." Once the Virgin Mary was chastely drunk, God had His way with her.

Unfortunately, all did not go as God planned. For Satan had secretly poked a wholly hidden hole in God's Condom, so that the Lord would have to take responsibility for His own actions. As a result, a few months later the supposedly Virgin Mary was found to be "great with child." It was obvious to Joseph that Mary had committed adultery. So to cover, God sent a member of the Angels team to appear to Joseph in a dream. The Angel said, "Joseph, thou son of David, fear not to take unto thee Mary thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of the Holy Ghost. Also, couldst thou sparest some money for a cab?"[5] (Matthew 1:20). Thus God passed the blame for His adultery and statutory rape on His imaginary undead twin.

Troll doll

In utero photo of Baby Jesus between his/her transition from female to male. Note the royalty-signifying purple hair.

God then made a bet with Satan on the sex and name of the child. God bet half His soul collection and the valuable continent of South America, while the more cautious Satan wagered half his souls and the virtually worthless continent of North America.

God followed the advice of one of His prophets, and bet the child would be a boy named "Emmanuel" (Matthew 1:23). Then God secretly went to check that the fetus was a boy. When he discovered it wasn't, He was quite worried for a moment, until He remembered He was God. He reversed His trick of making the female Eve from the male Adam, changing one of the infant's X chromosomes to a Y. To further hide His deception, God told the keeper at the Ramada Inn to claim it was full, so God's son was born in a manger inside a small cave. When the baby arrived with the first contraction, Mary, astonished, uttered an expletive. Joseph, assuming this to be a suggestion for the infant's name, made it so. God quickly claimed "Jesus" was just Puerto Rico for "Emmanuel" (it wasn't, but Satan didn't know this because he'd never been allowed in South America), and won the bet.

God was delighted that he now had His own little son to do with as he wished, and started referring to Himself as "God the Father."

The one thousandth measure rest

Exactly one thousand measures in, the tuna that has graced over a hundred pages falls silent, replaced by a 4-beet rest. This controversial move has stirred music critic and fan alike, often described as "something of a break in the pattern".

Some say that the rest is representative of a sudden pause in the monotony of one's life, when one finally realizes that he or she is trapped in a constant, repeating pattern, the same march day after night, drummed into their head, suffocating their life and stifling their creativity, and realizing, too, that the only true escape is death, which is far too icky to take. According to some, Monotony takes a dramatic 180 after the rest, with more A sharps than B flats, supporting this theory. Others see it as more of a happy turnaround, where Monotony decides that life is emo, and figures it just has to deal with it.

The truth, however, is far different. In Aglethorpe's upcoming vanity, Why Everything is Pointless (and Why You Shouldn't Really Nobody cares About It), he devotes almost a sixteenth of a Contents (Nonsense) to the history of Monotony. Some consider this to be representative of his vast usage of 16 notes, but Aglethorpe says that he just didn't want to dwell on it too much, and that mathematicians seriously need to find something better to do.

Cquote1 ...one fine day at my workplace we had a power outage, which somewhat broke the monotony of the whole thing; my computer, my sauce of inspiration, was down; and so I decided, in honor of the brief silence, to place a rest in my piece; I expected the rest to be somewhat controversial, as it seemed to shatter the illusion of monotony, but I figured I'd bored the audience enough by this time, and I needed something to really surprise them; and so I color in the little block on the next line, crudely drawn, along with the rest, on a sheet of paper, finished the page, and placed it atop my rapidly growing pile, waiting for the power outage to cease; and then I went on from there... Cquote2

It is somewhat interesting to note that Everything is Pointless does not, in fact, have any An article that contains nothing but a full stop in it. Some have argued that Aglethorpe was trying to make a full stop while doing this, and upon hearing this, Aglethorpe had to be hospital for having too much irony in his bloodstream.

PlayingMonotony

This man, having played through all of Monotony, was later found to be definitely, and likely irreversibly, dead.

I've heard the rumors but I want to know if this is true

Socky, are you really Belgian? Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg Dafydd el Gordon-gekko-from-wall-street 600px-Flag of Romania.svg Idi Amin Angryblackman Flag of Andorra LOTL-11 Have-you-seen-this-boy 800px-Flag of Nicaragua.svg Blue Öyster Cult Kurt Demmler 1989 The Honorable Flag of Quebec 00:00, May 9, 2012 (UTC)

I have seen his moustache. MrN Icons-flag-gb HalIcon.png WhoreMrn.png Fork you! 00:12, May 9
I was in Belgium last weekend, and everyone was talking about the new gay-love-slave-star, but it was impossible to confirm anything. --ShabiDOO 11:00, May 9, 2012 (UTC)
Yes, I'm Belgian. I'm not a gay-love-slave-star, though. That is to say, I'm not gay. No idea where Shabidoo gets that idea from. >.> Sir SockySexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk)Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 16:04, 9 May 2012
Everyone knows everybody in Belgium is gay. Snowflake mini Mattsnow 16:07, May 9, 2012 (UTC)
 : O Sir SockySexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk)Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 16:19, 9 May 2012
Yes...everyone there is gay, but a star? I suppose only socky could pull that off! --ShabiDOO 16:21, May 9, 2012 (UTC)
Freddie Mercury had a moustache. Need I say more? MrN Icons-flag-gb HalIcon.png WhoreMrn.png Fork you! 16:29, May 9
Some bullies who obviously don't have a life are making derogatory comments about belgians at the end of this forum. Don't shoot the messenger. -Anonymous The preceding unsigned comment was added by Mattsnow (talk • contribs)
You forgot to sign your post, Mattsnow. Sir SockySexy girls Mermaid with dolphin Tired Marilyn Monroe (talk) (stalk)Magnemite Icons-flag-be GUN SotM UotM PMotM UotY PotM WotM 17:04, 9 May 2012
Hitler was from Belgium you know... He also had a moustache... MrN Icons-flag-gb HalIcon.png WhoreMrn.png Fork you! 17:09, May 9

A really long section

My first UnSignpost entry ever!

By Matthlock
Toffee on sofa

Oh boy, this is my first ever Uncyclopedia entry ever! I’m sort of excited about this. …………………………Uh, I don’t have much to say now. So, um, did you hear about that one guy who “watered” some guy’s garden? Yeah, ah drat, well……………………….. (What do I say?) ……………………………Hmmmmm……………… UPTOWN GIRL! SHE’S BEEN LIVIN’ IN HER UPTOWN WORLD! I BET SHE NEVER HAD A BACKSTREET GUY! I BET HER MAMA’S NEVER TOLD HER A LIE! I’M GONNA TRY for an UPTOWN GIRL! SHE’S BEEN LIVIN’ IN HER WHITE-BREAD WORLD! AND AS LONG AS ANYONE WITH HOT BLOOD CAN! NOW SHE’S LOOKIN’ FOR A DOWNTOWN A-MAN! THAT’S WHAT I AM! ……..Ah god, that’s terrible. Um……………. Speaking of which, did you know that I’m supposed to an UnNews judge? I always just love being the critic. I rate all of the articles in one of two ways, either I’ll rate it as TRRBL or Not TRRBL. Charles Barkley, please don’t sue me for ripping off your two most famous catchphrases. There’s other stuff too, but I forgot. I’m done now. Take it away, next guy up.

File:Vo 3.jpg

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Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg Dafydd el Gordon-gekko-from-wall-street 600px-Flag of Romania.svg Idi Amin Angryblackman Flag of Andorra LOTL-11 Have-you-seen-this-boy 800px-Flag of Nicaragua.svg Blue Öyster Cult Seth & Munchie 450px-Flag of Angola.svg Raging bull JaneyPowell Flag of Turkmenistan svg Kurt Demmler 1989 Fat Tony

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Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK

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Chapter two: Persuaded by a Dream On November 10, 2011, would arrive Peter’s sixteenth birthday. However, on October 30, 2011, he saw something in the house garage he probably shouldn’t have seen. In the garage, he was snooping through his father’s old music collection, trying to find his copy of Traffic’s famous album “John Barleycorn Must Die.” He couldn’t find it though; what he did find was Uriah Heep’s “Demons and Wizards,” Supertramp’s “Even in the Quietest Moments…,” and a different album by Traffic: “The Low Spark of High Heeled Boys.” But on the way out of the garage, Peter accidentally saw his birthday present standing out in plain sight: an electric Squier Strat. Peter was not too surprised to see it, because he was talking about that guitar and how he wanted it, so he saw it coming. Peter told his parents about this incident, and much of the blow went to Padraig for not doing a good enough job of hiding the guitar, but as for Peter, he had to be on good behavior for the next eleven days. He thought that it sounded easy, but unbeknownst to Peter, he was on for no easy ride.

There were other birthdays Peter had to keep up with on the road to his own birthday. After all, Feather was four days older than Peter; because Feather was born on November 6, 1995, in Caisson, the miserable hellhole Peter and Feather were standing in right now. Peter asked Feather what she would like for her birthday and her request was the same as last year’s: Money. Peter was more than pleased to give Feather a ten-dollar bill that was lying around on the floor last year, but he could not recreate that instance of dumb luck. He thought that perhaps he could give her a phone call on her birthday, like he did last year, but Peter did not know Feather’s new number, and she wouldn’t give it to him. He banged his head against the wall, thinking of ideas for presents, searching high and low for something meaningful, but there didn’t come a single spark of inspiration. Then came Friday, November 4, 2011, and Peter still hadn’t thought of anything. And he couldn’t come to Feather’s house on Sunday because she threatened to call the police on him if he came. What could he do? All he could do now was apologize, he thought. So he decided to walk up to Feather and do just that. And surprised at what he saw, he was. For today, Feather was wearing a tank top with nothing underneath it. Peter then had a change in plan. Peter then walked up to Feather and said, “You look very nice today. You want to know why?” Feather answered Peter without having to think, saying, “It’s because you can see my boobs.” Peter stood amazed, because Feather saw straight through Peter’s thoughts, as if he had a head made of glass. Sometimes Peter was not as incoherent as he thought. But then again, Feather had an uncanny way of understanding Peter’s speech and thought that seemed almost magic. Then, Peter felt that grand feeling of libido breaking through him, and that spark of inspiration finally came to him, and he asked Feather, “Have you ever been kissed?” “Yes,” Feather replied. Peter thought, then looked into Feather’s gorgeous blue eyes and continued, “But you’ve never been kissed by me.” “And I don’t plan on it happening any time soon,” Feather replied cleverly. “Please?” Peter begged. “No,” Feather replied to Peter’s beg. “Please?” “No.” “PLEASE?” “NO.” “PLEASE!” “Sorry, Peter.” “Please! Please! Please! Please! I’m almost sixteen and I’ve never been kissed!” “No, no, no, no. I’m sorry, Peter, but I’m not going to let you kiss me,” Feather said, and she walked away from Peter. “Oh, by the way Feather, I think you look very very very very very very very very very very very very nice today!” Peter shouted as Feather was walking away. Now Peter knew that what he did was sinful and lustful and unsightly in the eyes of God, but Peter also knew that He would forgive him. After all, this wasn’t the first time Peter stared at Feather’s chest. As a matter of fact, back in the eighth grade, Peter stared at Feather’s breasts several times, sometimes without even realizing it, and that’s virtually how Peter’s love for Feather was born. And Peter’s antics back in the eighth grade was the reason why Feather normally wore undershirts now, making today so unusual for Peter and her, and why this was relatively a return to the grand past for Peter. Feather normally didn’t wear brassieres, because they cramped her style, but not wearing an undershirt was practically unheard of from Feather nowadays, thanks to Peter’s antics, making this day so much grander for Peter than any of the surrounding days. Then, when Feather was gone, Peter talked to his friend, Ira Grant, whom was also a friend of Feather’s. And Ira and Peter had an enlightened conversation about a great many things, including love, the nature of women, grooming, boundaries, self-confidence, the Golden Rule, crime, the existence of evil, the role of government in society, music, laughter, friendship, life, free will and, above everything else, what he thought Peter should do with Feather. Ira told Peter that he should act like he doesn’t care about Feather anymore. Peter kept on telling Ira that Feather knew him for so long that she would know when he’s lying and when he’s not, but Ira told him to give it a try anyway. Peter enjoyed his conversation with Ira, which he personally found to be amazing because he normally couldn’t tolerate long conversations with other people, and Peter said that he would take in every word he heard, but sometimes it’s easier to say something than it is to live by it. And then Peter’s sixteenth birthday came round the corner. On November 9, 2011, the day before his birthday, Peter went around the school and told people what he wanted from them if possible. He told Ira that he personally wanted from him a pair of gloves. And as for Feather, Peter’s request was very specific: To look the way she did on Friday for him. As a response, Feather called Peter a pig, which at first Peter thought was a complement because pigs are one of the smartest creatures on Earth, but it turned out not to be a complement. Feather said to some of her friends after school, “Peter wants me to show him my breasts.” That wasn’t exactly his request. In Peter’s mind, what Feather meant to say was “Peter wants me to show him some of my breasts.” That evening, Peter lay awake in bed. “Will I get my wish?” he asked himself as he was tossing and turning. The only way to find out was to see tomorrow. And when tomorrow dawned on Peter, he got up at six, brushed his teeth, ate his breakfast, changed his clothes and then walked out to the bus stop and waited for Route 12, like he did many times before. The bus came its usual time. Peter hopped on, took a seat, and closed his eyes and thought to himself: “Today’s my birthday, sweet sixteen. Today is November 10, 2011, my sixteenth birthday, a day that, long ago, I didn’t know I’d survive to. Yet here I am. Oh God, all I’m hoping for is for Feather to give me my gift. Maybe I am selfish, maybe I am a pig, like she says, but I’m a sixteen-year-old boy, and there are certain things a sixteen-year-old boy needs and wants.” And Peter arrived at Caisson High on time as usual, and he ran around A-Hall looking for Feather, and he found her, but he didn’t get what he wanted. What did he get instead? Feather saying very nicely and very sweetly, “Happy birthday, Peter.” However, Peter wanted more than just that, although it was really nice of her to say that. Peter told Feather that she defied him and his orders. She then told him that he was being sexist. Then, out of fury, Peter said these three words, “Shut up bitch!” Those three words, which came out in the heat of the moment, could possibly be costly for Peter. Feather stormed away from Peter, infuriated, but Peter ran up to her to ask her one more question, “Was the Horse Incident real?” Feather said, “No,” and then walked on. And for once in his life, Peter was glad to hear those two letters brushed up against each other! And outside of that terrible small affair, the rest of Peter’s day was great. Everybody around him was wishing him a happy birthday, although some people seemed a bit too friendly to him. And Peter stayed after school to check up on Ira, and he didn’t regret it either, because he gave Peter just what he wanted: a pair of gloves that fitted his hands and his style. He missed the bus because of which, but the gloves were worth missing the bus for, because Peter just loved the gloves Ira gave him. Peter did find a ride, from Mr. Smucker. As he was giving him a ride, Mr. Smucker was amazed to learn that Peter was already sixteen. He then told Peter that he remembered the days when Peter was just a small boy with potential, carrying around a little calculator, with it unlocking the mysteries of the universe. When Peter arrived home, he dwelled on that story. “What am I now?” he asked himself. Peter’s birthday presents were some DVDs, 2001: A Space Odyssey and Enter the Dragon; some clothing, most notably a shirt for Pink Floyd’s “the Wall” album and a shirt for the Doors; Peter got a CD, “the Essential Aerosmith”; and most importantly, Peter got his guitar, an electric Squier Strat. Peter was content with what he got. And that same night, Peter wrote a song for himself, a rendition of “I’m Eighteen” by Alice Cooper, called “I’m Sixteen,” which was merely the same song but with the word “eighteen” changed to “sixteen,” but cherished every word of the song, because he felt as though he could relate to it: “Lines form on my face and hands Lines form from the ups and downs I'm in the middle without any plans I'm a boy and I'm a man I'm sixteen and I don't know what I want Sixteen I just don't know what I want Sixteen I gotta get away I gotta get out of this place I'll go runnin' in outer space oh yeah I got a baby's brain and an old man's heart Took sixteen years to get this far Don't always know what I'm talking about Feels like I'm living in the middle of doubt Because I'm sixteen I get confused every day Sixteen I just don't know what to say Sixteen I gotta get away Whoa Lines form on my face and my hands Lines form on the left and right I'm in the middle the middle of life I'm a boy and I'm a man I'm sixteen and I like it yes I like it oh I like it love it like it love it Sixteen sixteen sixteen sixteen and I like it.” And now that Peter was sixteen, there were certain liberties he could take, such as passports. As a matter of fact, Peter gave this little rant on passports to his friend Canaan on November 15, 2011: “I’m sixteen which means I can get a passport now. With a passport, I can go to anywhere in the free world. Where shall I go? I’m not going to go to Moldova, that’s for sure. I’ll go to Australia, Canada, Peru, England, South Africa, or maybe even Sri Lanka; yeah Sri Lanka would probably do me well. But I’m not going to Moldova because that’s where Nica comes from, and there must be thousands of people who look like Nica walking around there. And I don’t like Nica, she’s a bitch and she can go eat a big fat dick!” And what did Nica do when Canaan told her that little rant? She laughed. And when Canaan told Peter that Nica laughed at his rant and that she found it amusing, Peter bowed and was mildly proud at the fact that he made somebody’s day. Peter himself missed the punch line in his own rant, but Nica didn’t miss it. To Peter, all it sounded like was a xenophobic musing. So surprised Peter was to see Nica’s tanned skin pass him by four times that same day! And after that xenophobic musing, Peter would once, one day after school while trying to reach the bus, overhear Nica saying to someone, “He’s Nica-phobic.” And although Peter didn’t ask Nica, he had a very certain feeling that she was talking about Peter.

And then there came Thanksgiving break; and during Thanksgiving, Ronnie told Peter that he was giving up his alcoholism. Peter learned this whilst he and Ronnie were taking a walk after Thanksgiving dinner, and it started off in a usual conversation between the two, with Peter saying, “Here are the facts, Ronnie.” “Lay them on me,” Ronnie said. “You are going to die someday.” “Mm-hmm, there is no way to avoid that fact.” “You will probably not be as famous as James Joyce when you die.” “Nope, probably not; but maybe I’ll be as blind as him though.” “Yeah, if you don’t stop drinking as hard as you do.” “Actually, I’m trying to quit drinking.” “Really?” “Yes.” “Hallelujah!” Peter shouted, throwing his arms up into the air. Peter was delighted to hear that Ronnie was conquering one of his greatest personal demons – alcohol. He was delighted to her that Ronnie was giving up the only thing Peter hated about him.

And then after Thanksgiving break came three more weeks of school. And what a ride Peter would be on until winter break! On December 2, 2011, Peter and Emmanuel would have a small and minute debate in Guitar, on whether Australian toilets were left-handed or right-handed. Of course, neither of them really knew the answer because neither one of them had been to the Land Down Under; but both had a really itching desire to go there someday. Fortunately for Peter, he had a friend online who was an Australian, so Peter was thinking about asking his Australian friend what the answer to this somewhat important question was. After school, Peter would walk on from Caisson High to Dashboard Butte Diner, only a mere few blocks from the school, where he would meet his mother to have a meal. Peter’s mother showed up at Dashboard Butte Diner right on cue, for she would arrive in the diner’s parking lot at the same time Peter was on the curb of the street the diner was on, and he was steadily approaching the entrance of the diner when he caught sight of his mother and her car, and before they went into the diner together, she told him that he could place the load he was carrying into her car. Peter was glad at the way time works. At Dashboard Butte Diner, Peter had the great deal he was hearing all about lately – the 3-5 special, two corn dogs for two dollars with an optional side of French fries or tater tots and a small beverage of choice – whilst his mother had a nice bowl of soup. They both enjoyed their meals and then decided to head home. And whilst heading home, Peter ran into an unbelievable sight that he believed was a merging together of luck and fate. As his mother was driving along Bear Pond Drive, they hit a red light at the intersection of Bear Pond and 27th Street, and at that red light, Peter’s mother was patiently waiting for the light to turn green, and to the left was Feather’s mother, waiting patiently for that same exact light at that same exact moment, and Peter recognized her co-pilot’s beautiful locks in an instant. Now Peter was really glad at the way time works. And although the two cars were only waiting at the same intersection for no more than five seconds, that single stroke of luck radiated Peter, his thoughts and his happiness throughout the rest of the weekend. When the light turned green, Feather and her mother turned left, while Peter and his mother kept going straight. Peter happily smiled and thought to himself, “There is a God. And He loves me very much.” Peter would surely have to tell Feather about this sight when he went back to school on Monday. Then, when Peter and his mother arrived home, they realized that they forgot to buy some items for the house. Peter quickly took his load out of the car and into the house and then they headed back out. They got the items and then headed to Barnes and Noble™ for some rest and relaxation – by books. Peter first picked up the Picture of Dorian Gray, written by the Irish aesthete Oscar Wilde. Peter stopped reading the book after about eleven pages, thinking, “Okay, so I think the diction and whatnot in this book is absolutely amazing, but all in all, I think the tone is kind of queer. I think I’m going to stop right here. Ugh! No wonder why Oscar Wilde’s called the Posing Somdomite!” Next, Peter picked up another book, Lolita by the Russian-American author Vladimir Nabokov, and he read the first chapter of the book, but that was it, because he didn’t want to get too far into the book, for fear that his mother would catch him reading that book. Finally, Peter went to pick up a book written by another respected Irish author, this time it was James Joyce, and his final and most complex novel, Finnegans Wake. Peter took the book, took a seat, and sat down and began to read – “riverrun, past Eve and Adam’s, from swerve of shore to bend of bay brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs.” Peter paused at that very first paragraph and thought to himself, “Huh? I’m already confused. Surely it’s all done on purpose. A big publishing company wouldn’t put a major error of forgetting to capitalize the first word of the first paragraph in the book by some sort of accident. There must be some sort of reason behind this. Maybe I should check the back of the book.” Peter flipped through the book’s many pages and finally stopped at the last page. He then read the last sentence to see if he could make more sense of it – “A way a lone a last a loved a long the” It ended right there. Peter stopped again and thought to himself, “Now I’m even more confused. This sentence has no end!” Peter thought, and then realized that the last sentence in the book was the beginning of a sentence, and the first sentence in the book was the latter half of that same sentence. Peter picked up the book again and tried to make sense of it by connecting the two sentence fragments together – “A way a lone a last a loved a long the riverrun, past Eve and Adam’s, from swerve of shore to bend of bay brings us by a commodius vicus of recirculation back to Howth Castle and Environs.” Peter was still lost. His eyes wandered about the book now and he saw some strange words of a language of an origin of which he could not say. He thought about this book again as he was just skimming through the pages now – “A bunch of meaningless drivel, I think this is. Why would one man devote seventeen years of his life to something so odd and incoherent?” Of course, Peter already that James Joyce was a raging alcoholic, but then he remembered that Ronnie told him that Joyce progressively went blind throughout the writing of Finnegans Wake. But that still didn’t explain everything. Peter then looked at the back cover of the book and he found out that the book was an honorable attempt to explain the unexplainable – the state of dreams. And if there was anyone who knew something about the strangeness of dreams, it would be Peter. On the morning of December 4, 2011, Peter would have a dream that would stand out among any other. In it, Peter dreamt that his father was not as grouchy and unfriendly and inward and misanthropic as he was in real life, but instead he was a more loving, kind, energetic and open-minded person. Peter dreamt that his father was going to give him a ride home from school one day, and while trying to get his son, Peter’s father ran into Nica, and he grabbed her, picked her up, hugged her with her feet flying up in the air and said, “What a sweet little lady!” Then, Peter came around, and his father, somehow knowing that Nica was Moldovan, told Peter that he should be nicer towards Nica and that he should be friends with Nica. That dream was a bit weird for Peter, but nonetheless it felt wonderful, but he knew it was only wishful thinking and he knew it would never happen in real life. However, Peter thought that although his father would never be that kind of person, maybe he could be that kind of person. From that dream, Peter decided to pour out more of his heart – in fact, he decided to pour out as much of his heart as possible from there on out. He was taught by that dream that he should spread the love around, and not merely love for the sake of being loved, but rather love for the sake of loving. Peter was told by that dream that the one thing the world needed more than anything else these days was smiles, and that he should be the one to show them around. But on the negative side, this dream made Peter seriously wonder if he was subconsciously attracted to Nica. “I have to tell my friends about this weekend,” Peter said when he awoke from this great dream. So on December 5, 2011, Peter told some of his friends about his unusual weekend. He told them of him running into Feather on the road, as well as telling them about his dream. Peter said that the next time he’d pass by Feather on the road, he would beg her to roll down her window and then he would ask her for any Grey Poupon. And as for the dream, Peter got much feedback from his friends, both good and bad, however the interpretation of his dream that stood out the most for him was the one he got from his friend Jacob Tucker, “Your dad’s in love with Nica.” Jacob Tucker’s interpretation made Peter smile when he thought of it, because in Peter’s mind, love seemed like a word that was Greek to his father. And within that same week, Peter would learn more about Nica, and how his friendship with her managed to take a hard left turn in the first place. On December 9, 2011, Peter got a visitation in Guitar from Dax, Nica’s old lover. Although Peter at first talked to Dax about things in general, the conversation soon began to veer toward the one thing that had been plaguing Peter’s mind lately. “So about Nica,” Peter said to Dax very slowly. “Yes, what about her?” Dax asked “She and I, we haven’t spoken to each other for almost a year now.” “Yeah, that’s because she hates you.” Peter stopped to think after Dax said that. The word hate, Peter thought, was putting it across strongly. Surely, overhearing Nica call Peter “Nica-phobic” surely would show that if there were any real hatred nowadays it would be coming from Peter and not from Nica. Yet nonetheless Peter was captivated by this perspective. Peter then stopped his thinking and he finally asked Dax, “Really, how so?” Dax replied, “Something about her thinking that you’re a rapist.” Peter answered back, “Ha ha ha ha! She thinks that I’m a rapist? What even gives her that idea? Oh wait, was it from that one time we went to the bank together, because I swear that I was just trying to get 50 bucks.” “Wait, what?” “We carpooled together.” “Wait, you went to the bank with my ex-girlfriend without my permission?” “Yeah, here’s what happened. We were at the bank, I was waiting for some money, but I lost my patience, pulled out my Q-Tip, my Motorola Razr and my caramel apple and I yelled ‘All right you stupid fuckers! I want 50 bucks now or else I’ll rape someone! Also I will take one hostage as well, and don’t make it this little foreign chick standing next to me!’And what Nica said to me was, ‘I’m out of here, asshole. I don’t want my money anymore. And as of now, we are no longer friends, Peter.’ And then she stormed out of the bank frustrated with no money in her pockets – I gotta admit that she is hot when she’s angry – and I think that’s our friendship was terminated. Yes, it’s all coming back to me now. Speaking of which, can I have some of that LSD that I see you’re using?” “Sure.” “HOLY SHIT! I’M TRIPPIN’ ON ACID MAN! THIS AIN’T REALLY HAPPENING, IS IT?” said Peter after digesting some LSD. Dax answered back, “No, not at all. As a matter of fact, here comes the Grateful Dead.” Workingmans Dead “WHOA MAN! THAT IS FREAKING ME OUT! I MEAN, ARE YOU SEEING WHAT I’M SEEING MAN!” “You mean Jerry Garcia.” “YEAH DUDE, THAT IS FRIKKIN’ AWESOME! ………..FUCK MAN, THIS IS SOME GOOD SHIT.” “I know.” “WHOA! DO YOU SEE THOSE DANCING BEARS AND THOSE SKELETONS, MAN?!? THAT IS JUST TRIPPY!” “Yeah dude.” “FUCK MAN! LSD IS AWESOME! ISN’T IT THE BEST?” “You bet your ass it is.” “HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!” And Peter and Dax bonded like they never did before when they had an acid trip together, and they enjoyed LSD for the rest of their friendship, and when they were in their twenties, Peter and Dax started a neo-psychedellia band called Jefferson Floyd. And with LSD, Peter and Dax lived happily ever after.

THE END


Alternate ending

TR-FACH-0106

"I totally banged her!"

On December 9, 2011, Peter got a visitation in Guitar from Dax, Nica’s old lover. Although Peter at first talked to Dax about things in general, the conversation soon began to veer toward the one thing that had been plaguing Peter’s mind lately. “So about Nica,” Peter said to Dax very slowly. “Yes, what about her?” Dax asked “She and I, we haven’t spoken to each other for almost a year now.” “Yeah, that’s because she hates you.” Peter stopped to think after Dax said that. The word hate, Peter thought, was putting it across strongly. Surely, overhearing Nica call Peter “Nica-phobic” surely would show that if there were any real hatred nowadays it would be coming from Peter and not from Nica. Yet nonetheless Peter was captivated by this perspective. Peter then stopped his thinking and he finally asked Dax, “Really, how so?” Dax replied, “Something about her thinking that you’re a rapist.” Peter answered back, “Ha ha ha ha! She thinks that I’m a rapist? What even gives her that idea? Oh wait, was it from that one time I banged her, because she was totally willing.” “Wait, what? You banged Nica?” “Never mind that, it’s not really that important.” “Wait, you banged my ex-girlfriend?” “Yeah, don’t worry, you already broke up with her when I banged her. Speaking of which, can I have some of that LSD that I see you’re using?” “Sure.” “HOLY SHIT! I’M TRIPPIN’ ON ACID MAN! THIS AIN’T REALLY HAPPENING, IS IT?” said Peter after digesting some LSD. Dax answered back, “No, not at all. As a matter of fact, here comes the Grateful Dead.” Workingmans Dead “WHOA MAN! THAT IS FREAKING ME OUT! I MEAN, ARE YOU SEEING WHAT I’M SEEING MAN!” “You mean Jerry Garcia.” “YEAH DUDE, THAT IS FRIKKIN’ AWESOME! ………..FUCK MAN, THIS IS SOME GOOD SHIT.” “I know.” “WHOA! DO YOU SEE THOSE DANCING BEARS AND THOSE SKELETONS, MAN?!? THAT IS JUST TRIPPY!” “Yeah dude.” “FUCK MAN! LSD IS AWESOME! ISN’T IT THE BEST?” “You bet your ass it is.” “HELL YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!” And Peter and Dax bonded like they never did before when they had an acid trip together, and they enjoyed LSD for the rest of their friendship, and when they were in their twenties, Peter and Dax started a neo-psychedellia band called Jefferson Floyd. And with LSD, Peter and Dax lived happily ever after.

THE END


EPHRIKAFQUGCILSDONMB

Best movie ever → Spaceballs vs. Blazing Saddles vs. Men in Tights vs. Life Stinks vs. Young Frankenstein vs. High Anxiety vs. 12 Chairs vs. the Producers vs. History of the World, Part 1

“Sometimes you can be so remote! Why did I sleep and breed with a █████ with█████!How the hell are you breedable anyway?”

Did you know that the Qu'ran was originally taken from a page in the Thomas the Tank Engine activity and coloring book?

HotcHotCatat

A section that does nothing but link to other articles or redirects to articles that you probably didn't even know existed!

Sara Sloane

My wife looks sort of like this, only way more Russian. [6]

Hello, sir. I am the guy who always conveniently has anything needed stored in his ridiculously large 80s parachute pants. And I would just like to inform you that Bart Simpson is sleeping with your wife and that I’m going to fuck your garden in the ass. Also, have you ever noticed that there a ton of high school football players of Indian descent out there these days? Anyway, would you like to get some sick with me today? If not, then please run like hell now.

There are some other things you need to know as well:

  1. Your kitchen sink has stopped working.
  2. There’s a dead body in your garage.
  3. You're in need of a new door handle.
  4. I’m a veteran of the Great Aspie War of Ought Six.
  5. I have a whores-drawn carriage, so if you’d ever like to go for a ride, just tell me.
  6. You raped my dog once.
  7. Big Bad Mike Tyson is right behind you.
  8. Some crazy nigga stole my bike once.
  9. I also want you to know that I don't appreciate your attitude towards my potato chip situation.
  10. Once when I was attempting to return your ladder, I accidentally saw you fuck ChiefjusticeDS.
  11. When you pay me only $1.70 an hour to mow your lawn, you’re violating the state minimum wage law, bitch.
  12. My wife is a mail-order bride from Russia. Never mind her accent – that is just the way she talks, please keep in mind that she’s Russian. Also, because of that, please remember that my children are therefore half-Russian as well.
  13. I occasionally seek out the thrill of stalking hot Moldovan titties – however do not tell my wife this or she would have a cow. [7]
  14. Stephen Hawking ran over my cat once.
  15. I drive a Dacia and once I was arrested for being high while driving in Bucharest.
  16. Also I’ve been bothered by this one question lately so could you tell me is a 1982 Mitsubishi Colt better than a Bugatti Veyron?

Step three: Use locales that are off the beaten track

For example, if you are making a bullshit story about your national heritage, always pick some obscure European country, like say that you were born in someplace like Latvia or Belarus or Moldova. [8]

Example: "When I was a young boy growing up in Latvia, we only had two types of music."

I'm Back

Happy?--Iwillkillyou 333 TALK What's it like to be a heretic? 20:31, May 31, 2012 (UTC)

Yes ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) Icons-flag-au 06:54, June 1, 2012 (UTC)

It's Matthlock

Hey brah, how we doin' man? 67.59.92.248 22:14, 28 June 2012 (UTC)

Not bad. Just floating around here and looking sexy. --Pup 05:32 26 Dec '11 01:56, 29 June 2012 (UTC)
It's been a while man. Life's so rad. This band's my favorite. Dont'cha love 'em? 67.59.92.248 22:16, 29 June 2012 (UTC)
I love that "teenage dirtbag" song they did. --Pup 05:32 26 Dec '11 23:28, 29 June 2012 (UTC)
Aw man, you want a beer? 67.59.92.248 20:45, 3 July 2012 (UTC)
I think excessive alcohol might have a teensy bit to do with my ban on the main site. So of course I do. --Pup 05:32 26 Dec '11 01:46, 4 July 2012 (UTC)
If you want / to destroy my sweater / whoa-whoa-whoa / pull this thread / as I walk away (as I walk away!) / watch me unravel / I'll soon be naked / lyin' on floor (lyin' on the floor!) / I've come undoooooone! Bizzeebeever (talk) 04:29, 4 July 2012 (UTC)
Wow - you're not naked! --Pup 05:32 26 Dec '11 04:33, 4 July 2012 (UTC)
My browser has javascript turned off, and yet there's a drop-down menu at the top of the page! Woo CSS! Love what they've done with the place. And did CarlB get a new server to replace the Pentium MMX 166 MHz he was running this thing on? Seems snappier.Bizzeebeever (talk)
I still haven't heard from him. It's running much nicer, but I'm not sure if that's from various purgings of cache, or updates, or just dumb luck. In short - I have no idea. --Pup 05:32 26 Dec '11 04:47, 4 July 2012 (UTC)
Cquote1 * PotR has quit (Quit: I just threw up in my mouth a litttle) Cquote2
Lollzers.Bizzeebeever (talk)
Thought you may appreciate that one. :) I wonder if Cartoonist Henning knows he's also on her hitlist? (He's actually a damned nice guy, from all the dealing I've had with him.) --Pup 05:32 26 Dec '11 07:35, 4 July 2012 (UTC)
I dunno. Uncyclomedia folk all sound like weird douchebags to me, though.
For some unaccountable reason, that person of whom we are speaking seems like she's actually trying to be nice (or at least neutral) to me, and I don't know why. Oh, wait, I do know why, and I won't stand for it.~Bizzeebeever 08:08, 4 July 2012 (UTC)
I have no idea what you mean. --Pup 05:32 26 Dec '11 08:13, 4 July 2012 (UTC)
Neither do I. ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usWed, Jul 4 '12 8:28 (UTC)
Smiley --Pup 05:32 26 Dec '11 09:34, 4 July 2012 (UTC)

AWESOME HAIR METAL SONG

Darin' to win


Darin' to dream


Livin' your life


to this creed


You're gonna win


You're not gonna lose


WITH TIME SQUAD!


It's the life that you choose


Mmmmm


It's the feeling that won't let you down


WITH TIME SQUAD!


The best squad around


Reach for the top, don't be a loser


WITH TIME SQUAD!


Enforcing the past to protect our future!


Yeah

I love Uncle RDB but sometimes he doesn't make a whole lot of sense

Bald dudeBald dudeBald dudeBald dudeBald dudeBald dudeBald dudeBald dudeBald dudeBald dudeBald dudeBald dudeBald dudeBald dudeBald dudeBald dudeBald dude

“I have often thought that if there had been a good rap group around in those days I might have chosen a career in music instead of politics.”
A glittering beacon of unending admiration for this guy. Gets shit done and keeps it real. There is nothing else you need to do to get UotY, and this guy does both in spades, with flying colors, and better than anybody else, and when I think about him I touch myself.”
~ TKF voting for me on UOTY, January 7th, 2010
“Customary shout-out to the hardest working man on Uncyclopedia who isn't actually the hardest working man on Uncyclopedia. Deserves some sort of nomination, at the very least, for the great stuff he's done for the last X years, including 2010. ”
~ TKF nominating me for UOTY, January 26th, 2011
“I've voted for this guy on UotY a couple times. I realized far too late that I forgot the "G" both times. Holy FUCK FOR.
~ TKF voting for me on UGOTY, January 1, 2012

lol

Goldcraproll Useless Gobshite of the Year 2011 (co-winner)
Congrats
Perv of the month Perv of the Month May 2012 Craproll Stupid Bullshit of the Month June 2012


i'm a guy that used to do stuff, but now i sit around and come up with steal bad jokes and poop in my pants and look at girls. HOLLA.

below is the rest of my gay page. find the pony and win a prize.

FurleyFurleyFurleyFurleyFurleyFurleyFurley




MariorapMariorapMariorapMariorapMariorapMariorapMariorap
Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellllllll, I'm the Space Goblin, and I'm here to say

That stayin' in school is A-okay.

If you wanna good job, and you wanna do right,

Then stay in school... it's outta sight!
GleediegovnorGleediedevoGleediegovnorGleediedevoGleediegovnorGleediedevoGleediegovnorGleediedevo108519 - animated rarity Scrunchy FaceGleediegovnorGleediedevoGleediegovnorGleediedevoGleediegovnorGleediedevoGleediegovnorGleediedevo
Pizzapizzaok
pizza.jpg























































































































































Colonialman

St. Patty’s Day

Are you wearing green today? If not, don’t be surprised if I show up. Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg 22:12, March 17, 2012 (UTC)

Hello O'Matthlock, may the sod be with you in your beer tonight! May the earth rise to meet ya, and the elves and fairies complete ya. Happy Irish toast to you! Aleister O'Chains sure n begorrah tis the day she is St. Patty's (UTC)
Now this is the kind of spam that puts a smile on a users face! --ShabiDOO 16:20, March 18, 2012 (UTC)

St. Patty’s Day

Are you wearing green today? If not, don’t be surprised if I show up. Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg 21:47, March 17, 2012 (UTC)

Not wearing green, but drinking. Is that a good compromise? Snowflake mini Mattsnow 22:03, March 17, 2012 (UTC)
Good enough, I guess. After all, you're Canadian, I just can't go north of the border to punish you. Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg 23:44, March 17, 2012 (UTC)

St. Patty’s Day

Are you wearing green today? If not, don’t be surprised if I show up. Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg 22:59, March 17, 2012 (UTC)

there isn't a single bit of green on my fat, disgusting, bloated body (although green is my favorite color). what the hell does that last sentence mean, are you stalking me, ew creep go away cr33p. --Roman Dog Bird (talk) 23:40, March 17, 2012 (UTC)

St. Patty’s Day

Are you wearing green today? If not, don’t be surprised if I show up. Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg 23:37, March 17, 2012 (UTC)

Somehow I always wind up coincidentally wearing green without even knowing that it's St. Patrick's Day. I even bought a green lighter at the store earlier. Totally oblivious. -RAHB 23:57, March 17, 2012 (UTC)

St. Patty’s Day

Are you wearing green today? If not, don’t be surprised if I show up. Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg 23:47, March 17, 2012 (UTC)

Please make your signature into a template. -- Brigadier General Sir Zombiebaron 02:14, March 18, 2012 (UTC)

St. Patty’s Day

Are you wearing green today? If not, don’t be surprised if I show up. Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg 22:50, March 17, 2012 (UTC)

Yes, I'm wearing a green Mickey Mouse tee shirt. Don't be surprised if I show up with Mouse Ears. -- Simsilikesims(♀UN) Talk here. 23:13, March 17, 2012 (UTC)

St. Patty’s Day

Are you wearing green today? If not, don’t be surprised if I show up. (You should be especially if you live in the Beaver State, being that I live there, too.) Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg 21:37, March 17, 2012 (UTC)

I wore my red titanium Anti-Pinch jerkin. I'm actually Irish, so I am exempt from the green rule. ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usFri, Mar 18 '11 2:21 (UTC)
I come from mixed stock, so I'm part Irish, part English, part Catholic, and part Protestant. Explains why I'm such a calm and rational person.                               Puppy's talk page02:33 18 Mar
Lollzers. ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usSun, Mar 18 '12 11:02 (UTC)
Verily!                               Puppy's talk page11:04 18 Mar
Neigh, varlet. Thy pratings are of an ass. ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usSun, Mar 18 '12 11:08 (UTC)
Thou art more full of prevarications than a martlebury is full of mizzensails.                               Puppy's talk page07:38 18 Mar
I say, sirrah! Thou shouldst not clean thine ears with screwdrivers. Thou hast loosed the screws that do fasten in thy brains, yea, verily! ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usMon, Mar 19 '12 6:17 (UTC)

Welcome back

Glad to have you again. Now we can share stories of how immature we were! :P A (Ruins) 15:14, 5 July 2012

Where? --Qzekrom sig trans Sir CuteReshiramOnTheRadio [CUNPBJ'12PLS(0)] 16:03, July 5, 2012 (UTC)
Over there. *points* --                              Puppy's talk page07:47 05 Jul 19:47, July 5, 2012 (UTC)
I love you man! I mean it! I Love you man
Because I realized that plutonic love can exist between two straight men. Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 21:41, July 5, 2012 (UTC)
Awesome party! Good food, good booze, good buddies. I feel great, man. I FEEL GREAT! I don't know - I hate my father, I hate my life, but you guys are great man!
I'm gonna go pick a fight. --                              Puppy's talk page10:23 05 Jul 22:23, July 5, 2012 (UTC)

My girlfriend

I CAN’T FUCKING BELIEVE THAT MY GIRLFRIEND IS FOLLOWING THAT HINDU BULLSHIT CRAP! I’M FUCKING PISSED! I’M GOING TO KILL THAT BITCH! (If we didn’t break up already)


Perv of the month Nominated Perv of the Month
This user has been nominated for Perv of the Month—you can vote for them or nominate your favorite users at the voting page.
NoobawardUnbooks mousepadGoldstein awardMicrophoneBadgeDali Glass TrophyMhailleawardWotmBePreparedKetchup1MicrophoneBadgeGoldstein awardUnbooks mousepadFoolitzer

Trousers (NOT PANTS)

PotatoheadsmallPotatoheadsmallPotatoheadsmallPotatoheadsmallPotatoheadsmallPotatoheadsmallPotatoheadsmallPotatoheadsmallPotatoheadsmallPotatoheadsmallPotatoheadsmallPotatoheadsmallPotatoheadsmallHalfPotatoheadsmallHalfPotatoheadsmallHalfPotatoheadsmallHalfPotatoheadsmallHalfPotatoheadsmall

Fries

Mermaid Clothes Skullthumper

AWARDS
IMAGES
THING

Articles

2012

2011

2010

2009

2008

2007

UnNews

2008

2007

Articles About Me

Audios

Articles

UnNews

UnTunes

New Brunswick

I just rolled back Anon (Rutgers University women love taking anal, etc.) What is left is in bad shape. Do you have any first-hand experience to apply to it? Spıke ¬ 20:37 30-May-12

I'll take a read, But I'm pretty sure you know New Brunswick about as much as me... :P Snowflake mini Mattsnow 07:40, May 31, 2012 (UTC)
Wow that's pretty bad. :S The quotes suck, the first template is crap, the text is crap... Anyway, the only idea coming to mind is making fun of the wp:Expulsion of the Acadians. Apart from that, I don't really know any specifics :S Snowflake mini Mattsnow 07:47, May 31, 2012 (UTC)

My only time there was arriving on the ferry from Digby, N.S. as an interesting alternative to the more direct ferry from Yarmouth. It was dark. Spıke ¬ 13:43 31-May-12

Girl problems

Sir Zombiebaron, there's a girl I like, you see, but she already has a boyfriend. What should I do? Here, tell me over here and give me some tips. Thank you for your time good sir. Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg Dafydd el Gordon-gekko-from-wall-street 03:47, April 1, 2012 (UTC)

Tell her how you feel and risk the temporary discomfort of being shot down, or do nothing and spend the rest of your life wondering what might have been. Also, please make your sig into a template. -- Brigadier General Sir Zombiebaron 05:28, April 1, 2012 (UTC)
Check. AND CHECK. Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg Dafydd el Gordon-gekko-from-wall-street 600px-Flag of Romania.svg Idi Amin Angryblackman Flag of Andorra LOTL-11 Have-you-seen-this-boy 800px-Flag of Nicaragua.svg Blue Öyster Cult Kurt Demmler 1989 The Honorable Flag of Quebec 06:22, April 1, 2012 (UTC)
I was in that situation once, and I decided that the best option was to have sex with her best friend. I didn't get the girl, but I had sex with her best friend, so I count that as a win.                               Puppy's talk page06:25 01 Apr
Awesome. Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg Dafydd el Gordon-gekko-from-wall-street 600px-Flag of Romania.svg Idi Amin Angryblackman Flag of Andorra LOTL-11 Have-you-seen-this-boy 800px-Flag of Nicaragua.svg Blue Öyster Cult Kurt Demmler 1989 The Honorable Flag of Quebec 06:38, April 1, 2012 (UTC)

Evil cop

....Sir have you seen this boy?

Have-you-seen-this-boy

Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg Dafydd el Gordon-gekko-from-wall-street 600px-Flag of Romania.svg Idi Amin Angryblackman Flag of Andorra LOTL-11 Have-you-seen-this-boy 800px-Flag of Nicaragua.svg Blue Öyster Cult Kurt Demmler 1989 The Honorable Flag of Quebec 21:18, April 7, 2012 (UTC)

I haven't seen that boy since 1995! He must be a couple centimetres taller now. --ShabiDOO 17:14, April 8, 2012 (UTC)

Notes of Interest

Workingmans Dead

Not the real cover for "Agents of Fortune".

Okay, by now, you have probably looked over my chunk of the BÖC collaboration, and you probably have a few questions. So I’ll answer them.

First of all, I made that link to the Grateful Dead because the way I actually found out about Blue Öyster Cult was because my dad has a huge CD collection buried in the garage, and he occasionally mixed his CDs up and put them in the wrong cases. So I found their Agents of Fortune album actually hidden in the case of the Grateful Dead’s Workingman’s Dead album, so I thought that I’d just stick that in there as sort of an inside joke. Never mind, it’s sort of a long and tedious story, really, so I’m not going to get into that right now.

Secondly, I said that Blue Öyster Cult had a career that only spanned ten years. In reality that’s wrong – and actually the BÖC is one of the longest lasting bands in history and are still touring to this day – but I decided to say that since they have had no commercial success ever since the release of their 1981 album Fire of Unknown Origin, so I thought that it would be more interesting to say that they just quit, even though that’s not really the case. (And I’m not sure how to, but somehow I’m going to go full circle with that lie with this article.)

Now, regarding the lie that the BÖC gave up after the ’81, I’d like to devote a section to their “legacy”, which includes several different references to the band in pop culture – some well known, others slightly obscure – and also include a bit of surreal humor by saying that “(Don’t Fear) the Reaper” made its way into a fictitious video game called Cowbell Hero. The Cowbell Hero game is really just the product of my imagination, so don’t bother looking for it in any stores.

That’s all. Sorry for sweating the details, but I just wanted to make some things clear. Cheers!

(P.S. I’m in the middle of school finals right now, so don’t be surprised if I don’t come back right away.)

(P.P.S. I'd like to take care of the section on Agents of Fortune and Spectres as well.) Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg Dafydd el Gordon-gekko-from-wall-street 600px-Flag of Romania.svg Idi Amin Angryblackman Flag of Andorra LOTL-11 Have-you-seen-this-boy 800px-Flag of Nicaragua.svg Blue Öyster Cult Kurt Demmler 1989 The Honorable Flag of Quebec 23:35, June 5, 2012 (UTC)

That all seems very good to me. Certainly understood most of that stuff anyway, as I've followed their career semi-closely. Even made it to a concert the did a few years back with Deep Purple, and they certainly don't sound like they gave up in 1981, but the joke is well understood. I like the idea of having the CD in the wrong case as well, although maybe the joke would be a little more evident if the CD in the Workingman's Dead case were, say, Secret Treaties, seeing as their covers have some remarkable similarities actually. But yes, all of that does sound fine. And coincidentally while you're working on finals, I'm going to be moving very soon, and may not have internet for a few weeks after while things get set up. And some other things are going on. But I'll try to get to it and add some things before then and then we can more properly reconvene on the project after both of our affairs are back in order. -RAHB 00:24, June 6, 2012 (UTC)

Read this totally unoriginal dialogue!

Retro Doonesbury

The source of this totally unoriginal dialogue.

MARK (thinking): I've got to cut out this business of coming home..

PHIL: Mark, before you go, I'd like to talk to you about joining my old fraternity.

MARK: Forget it!

PHIL: Why?

MARK: The guys in it are all snobby jerks!

PHIL: But son, those people can help you later on in life. They'll be your best business contacts!

MARK: BLEAH!

PHIL: Mark, what's the matter with you? Why do you always reject people from your own background?!

MARK: Dad, I...

PHIL: IT'S TRUE! ALL YOUR FRIENDS ARE EITHER WEIRDOS OR BLACKS! I'LL BET YOU'VE EVEN BEEN DATING SOME JEWISH GIRL!

MARK: DAD, WE'RE JEWISH!!

PHIL: Oh..that's right...

MARK: Give my best to mom!

FAQ

Q: What does FAQ stand for?

A: Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Who's your favorite nigga?

A: Sidney, from Pay it Forward

Q: Do you speak Albanian?

A: Unë nuk jam një gjuhëtar në atë gjuhë të caktuar

Q: When you were a child, did you ever stalk anybody?

A: See for yourself.

Q: Okay, as a teenager, did you stalk any of the following girls? Brittany Dawn, Nica Belenciuc, Jessa Davis....

A: Nooooooooooooooooooo! I mean, okay, I don't know who that first bitch is and the other two girls were just my friends, I swear.

Q: Really? It says here that Brittany Dawn gave you a restraining order.

A: That's a goddamn lie and you know it!

Q: All right all right, we'll avoid that for now. Next question: If I bang a mermaid, does that count as bestiality?

A: As long as you're giving the mermaid oral, you're okay.

Q: Okay, next question: Why does it hurt when I pee?

A: It's probably because you have prostate cancer, Mr. Zappa

Q: Is This Some Kind of Fucking Joke?!

A: Good question, RAHB

Q: What's the name of the Ukrainian guy from 2 Broke Girls?

A: Um, I believe you're in the wrong room. The drunken FAQ room is two doors down, to your left.

Q: <drunk stumbles out of room>

A: Okay, next question.

Q: What's your favorite Grateful Dead album?

A: That's a no-brainer. It's obviously "Workingman's Dead", doofus. What did you think it was, "Terrapin Station"?

Workingmans Dead

Are you an idiot? Of course, this is my favorite Dead album. It's the only one that doesn't burn me alive.

Q: Why do white people love Wayne Brady so much?

A: White people love Wayne Brady because he makes...Bryant Gumbel look like Malcolm X.

Q: If I have the hots for an Armenian woman, does that count as yellow fever?

A: Ooh that's a good question; tragically I don't know the answer. You should probably ask Kim Kardashian about that one.

I'm watching your every move

Answer to Life My edits: 5,074
Answer to Life My edits: 33,404
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Answer to Life My edits: 50,434
Answer to Life My edits: 8,549
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Answer to Life My edits: 30,828
Answer to Life My edits: 4,569
Answer to Life My edits: 87,446
Answer to Life My edits: 0
Answer to Life My edits: 10,952
Answer to Life My edits: 41,169
Answer to Life My edits: 2,305
Answer to Life My edits: 1
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Answer to Life My edits: 1,830


Step five: Tend to do a bit of research before making your story

A bullshit story is best when every nook and cranny is carefully worked out. Don't leave anything to chance; research your story's premise thoroughly and make sure to work out all the kinks.

For example, I'll refer back to the nationality story:

Cquote1 I was born in Latvia. I spent much of my childhood in the city of Rīga, where I walked the downtown streets adorn by Russo-German architecture. I remember those cold winters where the average January temperature was 27.9 degrees Fahrenheit. During the time, we would ocassionally travel out to the Ukraine to seek out some sun. Then when I was six years old, my true parents sent me to America with nothing but 100 Lets in my pocket, a Lettish-English dictionary, six bottles and water and an optimistic smile on my face. Cquote2

Talk


Lyrics

This song was written by Alice in Chains guitarist Jerry Cantrell for his father Jerry Cantrell Sr., who went by the nickname "Rooster" while serving with the U.S. Army during the Vietnam War. Jerry Cantrell has stated that his father, Cantrell, Sr., had this family nickname "Rooster" since childhood due to the way his hair stood up on end as a youth.[9] The "Rooster" nickname is often mistakenly attributed to a reference to men carrying the M60 machine gun (see the second verse, first line), the muzzle flash from which makes an outline or pattern reminiscent of a rooster's tail. It is also often mistakenly attributed to the 101st Airborne Division - in which Cantrell's father served - who wore shoulder sleeve insignia on their arms featuring a bald eagle. As there are no bald eagles in Vietnam, the closest thing to which the Vietnamese could draw a comparison was the chicken, thus leading to the pejorative "chicken men."[10]

In the liner notes of 1999's Music Bank box set collection, Jerry Cantrell said of the song:

It was the start of the healing process between my Dad and I from all that damage that Vietnam caused. This was all my perception of his experiences out there. The first time I ever heard him talk about it was when we made the video and he did a 45-minute interview with Mark Pellington and I was amazed he did it. He was totally cool, totally calm, accepted it all and had a good time doing it. It even brought him to the point of tears. It was beautiful. He said it was a weird experience, a sad experience and he hoped that nobody else had to go through it.[11]

Are you an Anglophobe?

YES! I hate English people (although some of my favorite bands are English). I hate Anglo-Saxons and people of English descent and I am personally glad that none of my ancestors had to salute that flag that those arrogant shit-eating motherfuckers call the Union Jack! FUCK ENGLAND! I AM GLAD THAT YOU ARE NOT MY BRETHREN! Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 19:23, July 11, 2012 (UTC)

YOU!!!!!!!! YEAH YOU!!!!!

I couldn't help but notice that you practically never capitalize anything. What's the deal? Have you ever that's anything? Do you know what the CAPS LOCK KEY is? It's that button on your keyboard (assuming that you're not using a Dvorak keyboard) left to the letter 'A'. SEE IT? USE IT, PLEASE!

Also, I hear you're single. Would you like me to get you a girl? Because I can probably do that for you. Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg Dafydd el Gordon-gekko-from-wall-street 600px-Flag of Romania.svg Idi Amin Angryblackman Flag of Andorra LOTL-11 Have-you-seen-this-boy 800px-Flag of Nicaragua.svg Blue Öyster Cult Kurt Demmler 1989 The Honorable Flag of Quebec 23:04, June 28, 2012 (UTC)

SURE BUDDY WHATEVER YOU SAY!!!!!!!~
you couldn't get me a woman. i'm a creep. since when have chicks ever dug creeps? --Roman Dog Bird (talk) 16:48, June 29, 2012 (UTC)
Hey, Thom Yorke's a creep and he gets his share of the ladies. Also, have you ever heard of a mail-order bride? You can get a girl these days from any country of your choice. (I recommend the Ukrainians myself.) Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 20:58, June 29, 2012 (UTC)

you are my favourite administrator ever

how can I be more like you? ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) Icons-flag-au 05:05, July 2, 2012 (UTC)

Become an administrator! Buuuurrrrnnnnn! *gives beethoven a hi-five* --Littleboyonly TKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK Oldmanonly 05:27, July 3, 2012 (UTC)

Sorry I didn't show up sooner

I actually read your message to me a long time ago and I'd like to say that it personally put a smile on my face. :)

To answer your question, it's purely coincidental that my name sounds like Mattsnow; my name is Matthlock because my real first name is Matthew, and Matthlock is merely a combination of my first name and Matlock, which formed together a name that I thought sounded cool. Anyway, nice talking to you. You are by far one of the most "colourful" characters I've ever met! Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg Dafydd el Gordon-gekko-from-wall-street 600px-Flag of Romania.svg Idi Amin Angryblackman Flag of Andorra LOTL-11 Have-you-seen-this-boy 800px-Flag of Nicaragua.svg Blue Öyster Cult Kurt Demmler 1989 The Honorable Flag of Quebec 23:37, June 28, 2012 (UTC)

Cat the Colourful Cat
Cat the Colourful - Meow?
TALK - 16:50, July 2, 2012 (UTC)
Yes, Matthlock does sound great. A great combination. Honest to God. And thanks, I like being a colourful character! *takes an animegirl-like position and smiles*

Help me

My girlfriend dumped me and moved to another country. Can you find me another girl? Welcome to the machine MATTHLOCK 19:26, July 17, 2012 (UTC)

She may be slightly decomposed, but sure!                               Puppy's talk page10:24 17 Jul
I know this girl who gave her first blowjob as a middle teenager and is now 35 and is a check out clerk at a questionable disco on the weekend. Would you like her phone number? --ShabiDOO 03:19, July 18, 2012 (UTC)
YES!                               Puppy's talk page06:53 18 Jul
"house of burlesque is having a massive clean out sale vintage clothing, furniture ,vintage mirrors , London bullet bras going out at $30 suspender belts $20 selected corset sale 1 for $30 2 for $50 steel boned corsets were $120 down to $70 nipple tassels from $10 up $10 tutu,s and much more don't miss out this Sunday from 11am until 5pm the market is ongoing the first sunday of every month."
And now I know where PuppyOnTheRadio shops, and what he wears in his "special time". ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usWed, Jul 18 '12 7:46 (UTC)
At least it's stylish.                               Puppy's talk page07:49 18 Jul
Steel-boned corsets? Baby, in the States we call that "cheap". Everybody knows that whale-bone is the stuff. ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usWed, Jul 18 '12 8:10 (UTC)
Whale boning, while enjoyable, is considered cruelty to animals. Besides, only the Japanese are allowed to hunt whales, and that's for scientific research purposes only. Last year they were researching "How many whales can we catch and eat in a year?" They've had to repeat the experiment this year as the results were inconclusive.                               Puppy's talk page08:35 18 Jul
I had whale once. It tasted like zebra. ~ BB ~ (T) Icons-flag-usWed, Jul 18 '12 8:59 (UTC)
I've never had zebra before. I've heard it's like Komodo dragon but not as gamey.                               Puppy's talk page09:41 18 Jul

Folk Guitarist's Lament

I listened to your song, "Folk Guitarist's Lament," it was actually a great song. It is without doubt one of the funniest songs I've ever heard, not to mention also one of the catchiest I've ever heard. You're not a bad musician. In fact, I'm even thinking about putting "Folk Guitarist's Lament" onto my iPod and placing it into my cool songs playlist.

Also, I really enjoyed your hippie song as well, but that's beside the point. Also, I've been listening to some of your UnNews audios and I'll tell you what, you actually have a really nice voice; there's an inexplicable air of pleasantness behind your voice; I'm serious about that.

I'll tell you what, if I ever write an article that I think needs to be narrated, I'll call on you. Say, is there an award for narrator of the month on this site? Because if there, it would go to you, and I mean it.

Also, I would like to say that Frank Zappa was one hell of a producer.

Anyway, have a really awesome day; and good night..... for a potluck. Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg Dafydd el Gordon-gekko-from-wall-street 600px-Flag of Romania.svg Idi Amin Angryblackman Flag of Andorra LOTL-11 Have-you-seen-this-boy 800px-Flag of Nicaragua.svg Blue Öyster Cult Kurt Demmler 1989 The Honorable Flag of Quebec 19:43, July 3, 2012 (UTC)

Yeah...very funny. Seems like most people here are very multi-talented. --ShabiDOO 19:48, July 3, 2012 (UTC)
Many thanks. To be perfectly honest I really don't think the Folk Guitarist's Lament is particularly good, it's probably even my least favorite Uncyc contribution I've made, but I'm glad somebody liked it :)
There is an article narrator of the month award, and an unnews audio award, both of which I've won twice and aren't really given out much anymore. But I haven't done an audio file for Uncyc in ages, mainly because my recording setup is only slightly better than having no setup at all. If I can ever manage to get a job and get some money and afford a new computer and some decent enough gear I plan to go back at it and do some better new recordings. With less noise, voice cracks, poor splicing, etc. But again, thank you for your kind comments on what I've done. I do agree with one thing. I do have a very pleasant voice :P
And Frank Zappa was one hell of a lot of things :D -RAHB 02:52, July 4, 2012 (UTC)

User:Frosty/people to ignore

I made some changes to this list; sorry, there are some users listed here that have had no recent activity on this site, so I crossed them out. Anyway, cheers!~ Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg Dafydd el Gordon-gekko-from-wall-street 600px-Flag of Romania.svg Idi Amin Angryblackman Flag of Andorra LOTL-11 Have-you-seen-this-boy 800px-Flag of Nicaragua.svg Blue Öyster Cult Kurt Demmler 1989 The Honorable Flag of Quebec 21:36, June 29, 2012 (UTC)

mmmk. ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) Icons-flag-au 22:19, June 29, 2012 (UTC)
A few other things also; you've got new messages on the talk page of my Barnes article, you've got new messages on the talk page of your Gosford article and tell me, what did you think of that article I wrote? Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg Dafydd el Gordon-gekko-from-wall-street 600px-Flag of Romania.svg Idi Amin Angryblackman Flag of Andorra LOTL-11 Have-you-seen-this-boy 800px-Flag of Nicaragua.svg Blue Öyster Cult Kurt Demmler 1989 The Honorable Flag of Quebec 22:23, June 29, 2012 (UTC)
I think the article needs more pictures but is otherwise good for mainspacing. ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) Icons-flag-au 22:39, June 29, 2012 (UTC)
Hey thanks! :) Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg Dafydd el Gordon-gekko-from-wall-street 600px-Flag of Romania.svg Idi Amin Angryblackman Flag of Andorra LOTL-11 Have-you-seen-this-boy 800px-Flag of Nicaragua.svg Blue Öyster Cult Kurt Demmler 1989 The Honorable Flag of Quebec 22:45, June 29, 2012 (UTC)
Made some changes to my article. Is there anything else you'd like? Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg Dafydd el Gordon-gekko-from-wall-street 600px-Flag of Romania.svg Idi Amin Angryblackman Flag of Andorra LOTL-11 Have-you-seen-this-boy 800px-Flag of Nicaragua.svg Blue Öyster Cult Kurt Demmler 1989 The Honorable Flag of Quebec 23:16, June 29, 2012 (UTC)
Nah, should be good now. ~Sir Frosty (Talk to me!) Icons-flag-au 23:23, June 29, 2012 (UTC)
Excellent. Now if I put this article on VFH someday, would you vote for it? Matthlock Bernie Soundgarden 800px-Flag of Moldova.svg Talal of Jordan Lionel Hutz 800px-Flag of India svg Dafydd el Gordon-gekko-from-wall-street 600px-Flag of Romania.svg Idi Amin Angryblackman Flag of Andorra LOTL-11 Have-you-seen-this-boy 800px-Flag of Nicaragua.svg Blue Öyster Cult Kurt Demmler 1989 The Honorable Flag of Quebec 23:29, June 29, 2012 (UTC)

I remember finding this one book at Wal★Mart once

All in all, it was shit.

In Conclusion

This is the end of this 120-KB experiment. It was a grand time although I have a feeling that it never captured, and probably never will capture, the bold, promising, escaping feeling of the American dream.[12] Nor do I feel it has successfully explored my inner whimsy and the inmost things that make me happy. However, these feelings may be feebly explored in the sequel, User:Matthlock/Barnes Been Beyond Before But Believe Barnes, Barnes Being Bolmontious Bout Being There 2: BED, BARNES & BEYOND.

I was going to leave this article with a discussion on categories but I'll save a bigger block for that in the sequel. So, I'll just close with a quote, some references and some awesome background music.

“He fucked that bitch and then he killed her.”
~ John Steinbeck on Lennie

<"More Than a Feeling" by Boston plays in the background.>

Footnotes

  1. Anyone who tells you he was talking about death is full of crap!
  2. The source was Hardwick Fundlebuggy's Prison Journal by the Cabal as a routine precaution.
  3. and also more bitch and Children.
  4. Taking Mary to a movie may not seem impressive until you remember that in those days movies didn't exist.
  5. Why did the Angel ask for cab fair? It's a long ride back to Heaven.
  6. Also less yellow!
  7. And I can't afford for my wife to have a cow! We already have seven children!
  8. Although I actually know a chick who was born in Moldova so thast would actually be a bad example.
  9. http://users.stargate.net/~holliday/INT1.HTM
  10. Chicken Men
  11. Cite error: Invalid <ref> tag; no text was provided for refs named linernotes
  12. Although I have been watching a lot of reruns of AFV at 5:00 in the morning lately, so I'm getting sort of a mental picture.

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