|This user is American|
...and unabashedly proud of it!
(List of American Uncyclopedians)
This is the god-awful sequel to User:Matthlock/Article about stuff II, which was the god-awful sequel to User:Matthlock/Article about stuff, ergo this is a god-awful threequel, like Transformers: Dark of the Moon or A Very Harold & Kumar 3-D Christmas, only it’s not as bad as those threequels.
Stuff you may or may not have known
- Polar bears are left-handed. (Like the Muppets)
- Mr. T has a fear of flying. That’s why he ain’t gettin’ on no plane
- The reason why Mr. Rogers always wore those sweaters was to cover up his POW tattoos.
- Wolfman Jack has never lied, because he is still alive.
- Megadeth wanted to be the World’s Most Dangerous Band but Slayer beat them to it.
- Maroon 5’s Adam Levine has a ---- that’s 12 inches long
- 1 out of every 18 Americans owns or has owned a copy of Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon”.
- The Mongolians invented lemonade in 1299. It turns out the Khans were not as barbaric as everybody thought they were.
If you don’t know, as well as being an Uncyclopedian, I also work on Wookieepedia. Not too long ago, my friend Yodatogood got me blocked from Wookieepedia. However, it didn’t long for me to get back, because I only did two things inappropriate to the site: One was a fried chicken joke and the second was a photo with a stupid comment placed next to it. Yodatogood, on the other hand, was the main reason why we got blocked. He said a bunch of inappropriate things and he even MADE A PENIS JOKE ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND! About my girlfriend! He placed a penis joke about my girlfriend on my talk page. I mean, it was all right with me when he said that my girlfriend was a hippie who always smells like weed, because she is, but alas for the thousand injures of Yodatogood I had borne, but when he ventured upon insult, I vowed revenge. My friend Yodatogood’s probably not going to be a Wookieepedian again any time soon.
And another thing about my girlfriend: recently I asked her if the Horse Incident was real. It turns out it wasn’t. Not that it would really matter all that much to me if it was. After all, Catherine the Great has had many horse incidents and she was the greatest Russian Tsarina.
A Grossly Stereotypical Joke
I heard this stereotypical joke. I can’t really say who I got from, but I can definitely say that I didn’t make this one up myself.
“Q: Why do women have small feet?
A: So they can stay close to the stove.”
You’re right. I don’t get it either.
Okay, so on November 18, 2011, my P.E. class and I were walking through Juniper Park and as always, I passed by the house with the dogs at the fence. The dogs were just barking at me like crazy until I pounded my fist with my left hand and immediately the dogs were quiet and ran away. Now that’s badass, my classmates told me.
Canadian Rules Football
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I wonder if there’s such a thing as “Fantasy Canadian Football”. That might be fun. Playing a game online that I know nothing about and whose players I’ve never heard of, yeah that would be fun.
(Even though I did hear that some NFL players were given a second chance by the CFL.)
I’m sixteen, which means I can now get a passport, which means I can go to any country in the world besides China, Venezuela, Cuba, and Iran, which doesn’t really matter all that much to me because Iran smells like crap. (If you don’t know what I mean by that, ask me why left-handedness is frowned upon in Iran.) So what countries can I go to? Let’s take a look to find out what they are and what each of them has in it for me.
Brazil: What has this country given the world? Babes, babes, babes, racecar drivers, babes, Ayrton Senna, babes, Pseudo-Portuguese, babes, babes, fests, Carnival, the babe-fest of Carnival, babes, babes, babes, great dances, babes, great dances to do with babes, beautiful scenery, bananas, babes, babes, beautiful scenery, babes substituting as beautiful scenery, the Amazon, babes, Amazon babes, the rain forest, babes, babes, babes, babes, and that giant statue of Jesus. Oh, and did I forget to mention the babes?
England: Hmm, well, that’s where that movie the Full Monty was filmed. I never did get to see how that movie ended.
Wales: Now you’re talking. I’d love to go to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch; or Llanfair something or another you know that city with a long name.
Germany: This is my dream: After leaving from my job as a furniture salesman, I take a wonderful walk back to my home (which includes making a stop to talk with the elfling creatures), a chocolate mansion in a lemon forest in Germany. I say hello to my wife, none, and then I pick up my guitar: A 1996 Jackson Custom Shop Roswell Rhoads and I start singing my song, with a voice like Heaven. Also, Germany is the birthplace of one of my favorite people, Claudia Schiffer.
Italy: I have powerful connections with the Mafia, so it would probably serve me well to go to Italy.
Finland: I have a friend whose ancestors were Finnish; and as we all know, Finland is the best country in Scandinavia, because the Finnish are not as boring as the Norwegians, not as gay as the Swedish, and not as weird as the Danish.
Sri Lanka: Now you’re talking! Ooh, Sri Lanka, that’ll do me well. I’d looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooove to go. I’ll start a new wave band and we’ll shoot an awesome music video in Sri Lanka. Get the reference? <Crickets chirping> Anybody, no? What, nothing? Don’t you remember Duran Duran? Okay then, well, they shot the music video for “Hungry Like the Wolf” in Sri Lanka. Now get the reference? <Anti-climatic silence>
Uganda: Prior to its independence in 1962, Winston Churchill called Uganda “the Pearl of Africa.” Having beautiful scenery, 1,000 potentially life-threatening diseases and a dangerously low life expectancy, it’s better than most countries on the Dark Continent, besides………….
South Africa: Peace to the Zulu Nation! I’m going to go to South Africa and get me a vuvuzela and end apartheid………. Oh wait, Nelson Mandela’s already done that? ………………………. Uh uh uh uh well, I’m still going to get a vuvuzela, that’s for sure.
Another Grossly Stereotypical Joke
A: Because he’s white. If he was black, he’d be called Chocolate Ice.”
Okay, so I checked out Dire Straits’ album “Brothers in Arms” from my local library not too long ago. I tried to listen to it but for the most part it sounds like crap to me. I can’t stand any song on the album other than “So Far Away”. I don’t know how “Brothers in Arms” became the first album to sell a million copies in CD form. I honestly don’t know.
Regis and Kelly
If you don’t know already, Regis Philbin has retired from “Live! With Regis and Kelly”, but what you might not know is that now that Regis is gone, it’s just “Live! With Kelly”; and for the next month or so, Kelly will be looking for somebody new to be her co-anchor, until she finally finds the perfect replacement for Regis: Ed Asner.
What are the odds of leaving your workplace one day, walking through the parking lot to get to your car, and magically finding a copy of “Emerson, Lake & Palmer’s Greatest Hits” just lying on the ground?
Approximately 524,615,379,108,541,318,883,701,483 to 1; yes that’s right I did the math. After all, it took Homer Simpson about 452 episodes to accomplish this dream. However, if you do find a copy, you’re a really lucky man. However, if you don’t, then don’t be too surprised; but if you have a really itching desire to find it, then maybe we can go on a cross-country road trip and search parking lots all across America looking for that one lucky CD.
(Even though it would probably save us some time and money to just go into a music store and buy a copy of “Emerson, Lake & Palmer’s Greatest Hits” for about $19.99. But if you insist that the best music is free music, then I can’t stop you.)
Donny vs. McRib
People in my family have been known for our dry wits, some of us have a wit that’s drier than a Utah county. Here’s a sample of my big brother Donny’s bizarre, biting and somewhat intelligent sense of humor:
Yes, the McRib is back. For about the 23rd time in my life, that oddly shaped, boneless pork patty concoction has made its cholesterol laden way to the hallowed and greasy menu of our local McDonalds. I'm just gonna say McRib has Jesus beat, people have been waiting for him to come back for 2000 years and McRib has come back nearly 30 times already. That bearded, sandled, long hair better get on top of his stuff. I'd never had a McRib in my life, that is until last Saturday morning when I confronted a rain-coated Corvallis day, suffering mildly from the largesse of the evening before. I was expecting a sandwich akin to those mystery meat patties that appeared in various incarnations on my elementary school lunch tray. I was wrong. Not only is McRib pretty delicious in a greasy, un-kosher, fast food sort of way, in many ways it was a swine-filled revelation on the possibilities of greater porcine inclusion on the fast food menus of America. For those of you who have not had it, McRib is a preformed, restructured pork meat patty smothered in barbecue sauce and topped with pickles and raw onions on a long white bun. There's not much to it — if you like pork, barbecue sauce and white bread, you'll probably like McRib. If you don't, well then, you should go back to your tempeh burger with tahini sauce. It's vaguely reminiscent of pulled pork sandwiches, but I think that's giving it too much credit. It's really its own beast, a horrid concoction of the food industry and a ploy by the pork council to get more pig on the menus of fast food restaurants. Now you might be asking, how do they get the rib out of a McRib? Actually the development of the McRib, and the restructured meat patty that forms its core, is one of the most important advances in meat and food science of the last 40 years. The technology that made McRib possible also made many other food delicacies possible, like the venerable chicken nugget. The National Pork Producers Council hired Dr. Roger Mandigo, an animal scientist at the University of Nebraska, in the 1970s to develop a new pork product they could sell to McDonalds. His invention took advantage of existing technology, that is sausage-making techniques that have been around for centuries. McRib is made of "lower-valued meat trimmings reduced in size by comminution — flaking, chunking, grinding, chopping or slicing," according to Mandigo's 1995 paper, "Utilization of Twin Screw Cold Extrusion to Manufacture Restructured Chops from Lower-Valued Pork." So to make that McRib, meat packers take all those unloved and unwanted parts of the pig — like tripe, heart and stomach — and grind them up into unrecognizable pork bits. These pork bits are then mixed with salt and water to extract the salt-soluble proteins. These proteins, once released, act as a glue to hold the chunks together, which then allow producers to form them into whatever shapes they like, like McRib or chops. These friendly shapes and sizes make these unloved meat parts more palatable to Americans who are unwilling to eat them. Now, before you get all bent out of shape about eating pig hearts and tripe, get over it. If you are willing to kill an animal to get delicious chops and ham out of it, you should be willing to eat all the different parts of the animal. Pork belly is delicious, heart is full of nutrients and protein and tripe can be really filling. So why not let them get turned into a delicious barbecue-covered delicacy? The only downside to McRib might be how horrible it is for your body. McRib comes in at over 500 calories and includes 8 grams of saturated fat, which makes it only slightly better than a Big Mac. But perhaps as part of a well-rounded diet, strict exericise regime and eaten sparingly, like the once a year it shows up on menus, you might be OK eating it.
My conversation with my genii
[Matthlock is walking across the Saharan Desert, (properly dressed for the occasion), searching for his genii while “Hidden Treasure” by Traffic plays in the background. Then after hours of walking, stopping for water, emptying sand out of his pants and walking some more, Matthlock finally runs into his old friend, Jeremy the Genii.] Matthlock : السلام والتحية ، يا صديقي القديم.
جيرمي : السلام عليك أيضا.
Matthlock : جيد أن أراك مرة أخرى ، ولكن لأجلكم الله ، هل يمكن الاستماع إلى وقف حركة المرور؟ ويؤسفني حقا أن مؤتمر نزع السلاح مما يتيح لك المزيج.
جيرمي : هل نفعل في المرة القادمة ، صديقا جيدا. لذا ، قد كيف يمكنني مساعدتك؟
Matthlock : نوع من حياتي في شبق الآن.
جيرمي : سوف تساعدك اذا كنت استطيع ، ولكن الحاجة وأود أن أذكر لكم أن لديك ولكن اثنين من يرغب اليسار منذ ذلك الوقت الماضي وصلنا متشابكة.
Matthlock : هل يمكن أن تساعد في واجباتي المنزلية؟
جيرمي : هل لها أن تفعل شيئا مع الأحياء؟
Matthlock : نعم.
جيرمي : حسنا ، آسف يا سيدي ، لم يكن البيولوجيا مكاني قوية. الآن الرياضيات من ناحية أخرى........................
Matthlock : حسنا ، لا يهم ذلك الحين. حسنا ، في الواقع هناك شيء واحد آخر. وقد عاداتي في الأكل غير النظامية في هذه الأيام. ربما يمكنك أن تساعد في ذلك.
جيرمي : هل تريد مني أن تساعدك على تناول الطعام بشكل منتظم؟
Matthlock : نعم ، وأنا لا يمانعون.
جيرمي : سوف نرى ما يمكنني القيام به.
Matthlock : إذن ، وهنا أتمنى ، وأنها سوف تساعد حقا لي في طريقي الى الوراء. وأود أن كل مرة أنا جائع ، عندما أفكر في الطعام ، هذا الفكر سوف تعطيني كل ما أرغب في الغذاء أيا كان المبلغ الذي أريده.
جيرمي : [يضحك] ثم تم منح رغبتكم ، يا صديقي.
جيرمي : أي شيء آخر؟
Matthlock : أود أن 50 آخرين التمنيات.
جيرمي : أشعر مترددة قليلا عن هذا واحد ، ولكنني الجان الخاص ، لذلك أعتقد أن كل ما تريد ، وأنا سوف تعطيه لك. 50 مزيد من يود التأكد من ذلك.
جيرمي : والآن هل تريد أي شيء أكثر من ذلك؟
Matthlock : نعم ، أود أن أعرف ما هي المواد الغذائية أكبر واحد في العالم. شيء عظيم بحيث لا ينبغي أن يكون قاتلا من دواعي سروري لمعرفة ذلك.
جيرمي : حسنا ، ذلك الحين.
[جيرمي ينظر حوله والوساوس.]
ودعا الذهاب إلى متجر وشراء هذا النوع من الشوكولاته الكعك متجمد ™ فرانز : جيريمي. أحلى شيء على الأرض.
Matthlock : حقا هذا كل شيء؟ لقد حاولت ™ فرانز واعتقد انه كان رائعا ، ولكن لم أكن أعرف أنه كان يمكن أن يأتي الرجل الأقرب إلى الكمال.
جيرمي : حسنا هو ، والآن لديك فقط 49 رغبات اليسار.
Matthlock : حسنا سيكون لديك لانقاذ تلك الرغبات 49 ليوم ممطر ، لأنني جيد في الوقت الراهن. [أمواج] نيس الحديث معك ، جيريمي!
[2 دقيقة في وقت لاحق]
Matthlock : [مسرعا] حسنا ، في الواقع ، أنا من الماء ، لذلك هل يمكن أن تعطيني العودة ركوب السحر البيت؟
جيرمي : ركوب البساط السحري؟
Matthlock : نعم.
جيرمي : حسنا حسنا ثم ، Steppenwolf.
I’m running out of ideas……………………………
- User talk:Matthlock/Article about stuff III
- User:Matthlock/Article about stuff IV
- User:Matthlock/Old Man Pfife
- User:Matthlock/A Sister to Call My Own
- User:Matthlock/My thoughts on life
- User:Matthlock/Article about stuff
- User:Matthlock/Article about stuff II
- User:RAHB/Frank Zappa
- Worst 100 Things To Say In Court
- Worst 100 Sitcom Catchphrases
- Worst 100 Things to do during Christmas of All-Time
- Worst 100 Songs To Play At A Funeral
- Worst 100 Things to say on a First Date
- Worst 100 Pick-Up Lines of All Time
- Worst 100 Make Out Songs of All Time
- Worst 100 Money Making Schemes of All Time
- Worst 100 Restaurants of All Time
- Worst 100 Nutty Conspiracy Theories of All Time
- Worst 100 Inventions of All Time
- Worst 100 Ways To Start A Novel
- <- HERE'S WHERE MY FRIEND MADE A PENIS JOKE ABOUT MY GIRLFRIEND!
- [Get a load of this.]