User:Matthlock/Article about stuff

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“Laughter is a necessary part of life. The Americans call it humor, the English call it humour, the Australians call it funny stuff, the Japanese call it comic relief, the Danish call it Victor Borge, the Canadians call it Kids in the Hall, the New Zealanders call it Flight of the Conchords, and the Scottish call it anything and everything to do with the English.”
~ User:Matthlock on comedy

This is an article about stuff. However, it’s not about the stuff that goes into a teddy bear, although that could be a great topic for a future article.

edit Stuff you may or may not have known

Raging bull

Jake LaMotta, seen here, is still alive. No longer boxing, but he's still alive.

  • Toys Я Us was founded by Soviets. Why else would there be a backwards ‘R’?
  • Johnny Cash was more metal than any other country artist in history.
  • Jake LaMotta is still alive. It appears as though NOT EVEN Death can knock him out.
  • Ewoks have opposable thumbs.
  • If the Rebellion wasn’t so open-minded, Admiral Ackbar would be sushi by now.
  • There is no difference between rugby and Australian Rules Football.
  • The government killed Ol’ Dirty Bastard.
  • Jean-Luc Godard is still alive, but nobody has given a rat’s furry ass about that French terd since 1962. (Although I did hear that he pooped his pants on an airplane recently, and as a result of that, Anderson Cooper had an uncontrollable fit of laughter.)

edit That time I got kidnapped by rednecks

On the Saturday afternoon of September 17, 2011, I was riding my bike down the road when all of a sudden, three rednecks in a pick-up truck, with two in the front and one sitting in the bed, came across me and went after me. I tried to outrun them, but the pick-up truck was too fast, and the redneck sitting in the bed jumped out and struck me on the head with the non-shooting end of his rifle and before I fell unconscious, the redneck raised his rifle in the air in triumph and made the sounds of a Tusken Raider. When I regained consciousness, I found myself in three straitjackets, chained, locked and tied tight to a wooden chair, with my feet cuffed to the front legs of the chair. The rednecks tortured me by forcing me to listen to country music – contemporary country music on top of that. I screamed as loud as I could, saying “AAAAAAAAA! Stop! Give me some rock and roll, like Blue Öyster Cult, or at least give me some southern rock, like the Marshall Tucker Band, but only pre-1978 Marshall Tucker.” However, those rednecks didn’t listen to my pleas. After two hours of sheer terror, I thought of a brilliant escape plan. I asked one of the rednecks if he could untie me so I could go to the bathroom. So he untied me and after using the bathroom for its intended purposes, I escaped out the window in the bathroom. However, one of the rednecks saw me escape but this is where all my karate training came in handy. I gave that redneck a swift roundhouse kick to the face and then I got away on my bike. Needless to say, I don’t think those rednecks will be coming after me again any time within the next 5-20 years. And do you know just how much Iron Maiden I had to listen to to get that god-awful country out of my head?

edit Television

This section is about Television, by which I don't mean that terrible band from the '70s.

edit PBS

“Okay, so sure some talented actors like Morgan Freeman and James Earl Jones have made cameos on this show, but I’m just saying that some of the regular characters on this show are gangsta wannabes. ”
~ User:Matthlock on the Electric Company

edit NBC

“Why did they cancel My Name is Earl? That show changed my life. And when I say change my life, I don’t mean change my life in the Shins’ “New Slang” gay-ass Garden State 'this song will change your life' kind of way. ”

edit FOX

Mindy Simmons

Yes, you remember who Mindy Simmons was.

I bet you’re wondering what the chances are of the Simpsons making a comeback are. For now, it’s exactly 251,479,632,018 to 1. (Yes I did the math.)

And whatever happened to Homer’s half-brother, Herbert Powell? I mean he’s Homer’s brother and he hasn’t appeared on the show since 1992! As a matter of a fact, if I’m not mistaken, there’s a man at Yale doing an equation on what the chances are of Herbert Powell reappearing on the show.

And Mindy Simmons, now she was a great character! She also brought back a species that was believed to be extinct, a hot redhead. I like to see her return for another episode on the Simpsons, because it would be interesting, especially since Homer has told Marge about her. However, the show is too stupid right now for her to make an effective and heartfelt return ………..but maybe someday the time will come for her to return.

edit CBS

“This show should be cancelled because every time I see it, it disturbs my mental health. ”
~ User:Matthlock on Criminal Minds

edit Nickelodeon

“Help me, SpongeBob SquarePants, you’re my only hope. ”
~ Princess Leia on Nickelodeon

edit CNN

How much longer will this channel last without their good-luck charm Larry King? One week, that’s how much longer!

edit Comedy Central

These guys resurrected Futurama, so it’s not all bad.

Also, as a side note, the Finnish love Comedy Central.

edit The CW

So, they have that crappy show, The Vampire Diaries, right? So, I say that vampires these days are starting to suck big time. I mean, look, vampires these days aren't ruthlessly sucking human blood, raping virgins or killing Moldovans, and what kind of self-respecting vampire doesn't do that kind of thing? I mean, vampires that only eat animals, that's gay!!! Bram Stoker would be rolling in his grave.

edit England’s worst band

The winner for the title of England’s Worst Band is a tie between the Spice Girls and the Sex Pistols.

The title of England’s Best Band, on the other hand, went to Emerson, Lake & Palmer. No use denying it. ELP Forever.

edit George Romero

When the zombies rise out of their grave, George Romero will not be eaten, because his films have obviously shown that he fights for their cause. Ergo, the zombies will spare him his life because of his kind treatment towards them.

edit Deaths

“That is not dead which can eternal lie.

And with strange eons even death may die. ”
~ H. P. Lovecraft on death

edit Opinions

Stick your opinions for this page in the talk page of this article. I’ll use your opinions for discussion in the Sequel: User:Matthlock/Article about stuff II.

I hope you had fun reading this article, because I didn’t have fun writing it.

edit See also

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about User:Matthlock/Article about stuff.
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