User:Matthlock/Andy Kaufman

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“And now I'd like to do for you..Oscar Wilde. 'Hello, I'm Oscar Wilde.' Thank you very much.”
~ Foreign Man
“No Andy, Thank YOU very much”
~ Oscar Wilde on Andy Kaufman


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Andy kaufman

Andy Kaufman during a taping of Uncle Andy's Funhouse

A borderline talented entertainer who refused to be labelled as simply a "comedian," Andy Kaufman enjoyed glory as a misunderstood, transgendered World Intergender Wrestling Champion. Kaufman's unique style of comedy, known as "Binge & Purge Comedy," is the direct heir of Dadaism. Dadaism's purpose: blur the line between fact and fiction, creating confusion, and awakening audiences to unknown experiences that could only be labelled as "mystic." And unfunny. And dumb. And fucking pointless. And, etc...

Kaufman's death -- by cancer -- did not stop his unrelentless comedic genius from being questioned. The mass majority of the human population does not believe Andy Kaufman to be a genius, nor a funny man. Though Andrew has been spotted post-mortem often as dead Elvis, he has actually, thankfully, long since departed this world, thankfully. However, he is currently the host of "Uncle Andy's Funhouse." Uncle Andy's is considered the most popular children's television show in the pits of Hell. Each episode concludes with Andy forcing his cock down the throat of one lucky boy.

edit Afterlife

Andy Kaufman, being a devout practitioner of Zen Buddhism, was naturally considered a heathen and sent straight to hell. Little did he know, being sent to Heaven or Hell is not a matter of faith, but pulling the right strings. You see, Heaven is only for those who paid the Pope a pre-paid ticket. As Indulgences stopped being sold since the sixteenth century, no one from modern times has been able to enter paradise, there you have it, one more reason to hate that old fart Martin Luther. Being surrounded by fiery pits of despair, Andy did not balk. He took eternal damnation with a giant grin. He was humble enough to work his way out of the rock where he was tied so his guts would be devoured by ravenous lawyers. The Lord of the Flies himself, in one of his inspections, saw him, with his intestines inside out, yelling at the beasts: "would you like french fries with that?"

The Lord of Hades decided to test this peculiar individual. He unbound Andy and took him before the dark Iron Throne of Genhinnom. "Mr. Kaufman. Thou appearest to have an unbeatable spirit, I have decided to give thee and two other of the damned another chance" As The Red Guy without Pants stopped speaking, other two brooding figures emerged from a lava pit, Adolf Hitler and Princess Diana. "I will present three tests unto thee, If thou past all three tests thou wilt be free of torment. If thou failed, thy rear end will be raped to oblivion by a woodchuck with a chainsaw for all eternity. First test. Thou shalt make me laugh"

Hitler, never been a comedian, tried to make every funny face he could imagine, without any success. Lady Di, being tormented with dead baby jokes decided to give them a shot, but she could not get The Dark Lord's frown upside down. Andy, being a natural, took his ukulele and sang:

Three little secrets
my auntie had told me
if you don't giggle
you lick mummy's pussy.
... Making The Fallen Angel laugh.

"Thou hast passed the first test, but two more shalt thou face. Thou shalt make me cry" Hitler began telling with gory detail every torment in concentration camps, but that only made The Dark lord giggle. Lady Di tried telling the story of how she would be ostracized for being a rich girl and how much she cried when her first puppy died, to no effect. Andy simply ripped one of Satan's balls. He started crying in horrible pain.

"Thou hast passed the second test, Pass this and thou wilt be victorious; thou shalt make me say 'No'" Hitler began to ask; "Would you eat my poo?, would you hump your own mother" and the Dark Lord answered, coldly, "Yes"
Lady Di, an unimaginative gal in the first place, asked if this was heaven. The dark Lord answered 'Yes', after all, he is the Lord of the Flies and the Lies.
Andy simply asked; "Shall I rip your other testicle?" NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'm in love with Tom Cruise!!!!
Thus, Andy was free of Hell's torment and was allowed to begin production of his much dreamed TV show.

edit Uncle Andy's Funhouse Episode Guide

Uncle Andy's Funhouse is a warm-hearted, fine-spirited program, full of clean and enlightening humor. Despite what your filthy mind thinks there is nothing twisted or depraved in it. And that is exactly what the Demon Overlords intend, showing something so immaculate to the teeming tortured souls, thus, they shall never forget what it is like in the pearly gates of TVland. It is Comedy that is not Comedy, Entertainment that is not Entertainment, and Torture that is not Torture and the practical joke that does not exist on the audience is the funniest part of the show.

edit Season 1

1. The Funnyman Cometh! (Pilot) We are introduced to Uncle Andy, who sings about the 50 states, oranges and Edison inventions with a rare interview with the Wizard of Menlo Park himself. Great care was taken not to reveal that Old Thomas A. Edison is only a lump that superficially resembles a human being these days. Andy and Edison even taught kids how a Black Mariah works and even built one with common household objects.


2. Interview with the Umpire. Andy visits a baseball field that is going to be transformed into a parking lot for the enormous car collection of William Randolph Hearst. Andy must assemble an all-star baseball team that can defeat Hearst's Monster Baseball Team. Andy recruits on his side such legends as Ty Cobb, Babe Ruth, Honus Wagner, Christy Mathewson and Walter Johnson, while Hearst has, on his side, legends as The Dunwich Horror, Benito Mussolini, Genghis Khan, Ed Gein and The Beast of Düsseldorf.

3. The Read Zone. Andy has the sudden urge to become a writer, trying unsuccessfully to write his own memoirs he gets the help of Christopher Marlowe and Ben Jonson. Wondering where Shakespeare is, he enlists the help of Arthur Conan Doyle, who might be an excellent writer but is not a good detective. It is revealed in a shocking conclusion the real identity of the World's greatest playwright (Sorry, I'm NOT going to spoil the surprise!)

4. Cast a Friendly Spell Andy has heard about the philosopher's stone and decides to go and make one himself. First he asks Aristotle and Plato, who kindly help him contact Hermes Trismegistus and The Count of Saint-Germain. They try to fashion one with common household products, but end up preparing a delicious apple pie, who they are happy to share with the members of the audience. Some children declared afterwards: "This is the first thing I have tried that does not taste of rust and cinder"

5. Plan Nine from the Ninth Circle of Hell. Ed Wood and Dana Plato decide to humor Andy by staging a fake alien invasion in Hell. They even go as far as building a spaceship with the help of Leonardo Da Vinci. Andy is terrified and, after asking H.G. Wells and Orson Welles for help, decide that biochemical warfare is the way to go. Just in time it is revealed that the so-called aliens are Hiroshima orphans in disguise (they were only given plastic antennas) Andy and his friends share a traditional Thanksgiving dinner.

6. Pork Wars: A New Hope and Change. Andy makes a show about how politics works in the USA in how they are able to pass bills as law. Presidents and Congresspeople get bribed, threatened, their spouses harassed and threatened, and their state gets funding cut or withheld, or they get pork projects for their state or city as bribes to pass the bill. Andy then runs for President of Hell on Hope and Change and writes a Hell Constitution and gets George Washington, Abraham Lincoln and other dead Presidents to support him, while The Devil gets Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin and other dictators to support him. Andy wins by a landslide and starts downsizing the Demon army, and making Hell more comfortable, and getting rid of the fire and fixing the economy and putting people back to work. Then after everything looks good, Andy claims it was all one big practical joke that him and The Devil were in on it and the vote was rigged like in Saturday Night Live when they voted him off the show, and it was all an illusion and nothing is real. Then things go back to normal and Andy and The Devil laugh about it for a few days.

7. 8. 9. What the Moon brings 10. 11. Something Delightful this way comes. 12. 13. 14. 15. 16.

edit See Also

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