User:Matt lobster/Meditative drooling

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With the first droplet of drool comes the notion of a permanent existence in silhouette

Meditative drooling is any form of a family of practices in which practitioners involuntarily foam due to the middle-classness of their affecting relaxation techniques.

The process is often instigated by the purchase of a Lava Lamp whilst pottering around that new store that doesn't sell anything specific. Once got home, the sight of the lamps lacklustre performance will remind its owner of an unread book on meditation he bought in 2007 (after feeling overworked and underpaid due to an unrewarding session with Microsoft Powerpoint and figures in inconsistent formats).

edit Process

edit Read the first paragraph of the book on meditation

Stare through the words until they form a coherent sentence.

edit Do what it says in the first paragraph of the book on meditation

Try and perform what it said in that paragraph; po-faced and without irony.

edit Become self-aware of how bourgeois your actions are

Understand how your understanding is beyond what everyone else understands.

edit Repeat until you've finished the easy part of the book

Do that.

edit Realise there's no one quite like you

Faux-realisation of your supposed unique place in the universe instructs a blood tsunami to your ample member.

edit Main Differences to Standard Meditation

Traditional meditation will normally invoke at least a modicum of genuine calmness within the practitioner - however superficial this maybe. The heightening of one's perceived status with Meditative Drooling, however, induces frustration and contempt for those "who don't get it". No one gets it except you. You really get it. You really do.

Meditative Drooling is damper than straight vanilla Meditation. Excess saliva created within the drooling has been used in premium brand shortbread.


An airborne cock provides a moment's self-reflection.

edit Meditative Drooling and Badminton

A 2002 study showed an unmistakeable correlation between those partial to Meditative Drooling and those that play badminton with shuttlecocks made of real feathers. Whilst the relationship undoubtedly and demonstrably exists, the reason has never been conclusively explained. Professor Richard Dawkins offers the theory that God doesn't exist, and that if he did, he would be a cunt.

edit Side Effects of Meditative Drooling

Participants will initially be shocked by the saliva that rests unapologetically upon their chin. Once this mild-irritant is removed, and any erection serviced, the user will immediately embark upon the pursuit of a wardrobe with looser fitting and more neutral coloured clothes.

Participants will believe any self-doubt is totally internally generated and invalid. They will thus aggressively interpret the maxim, "you only live once" as permission to pursue a career in music and purchase a guitar before forever leaving it in a cupboard.

edit Death

The white powder of dried saliva that rests around the lips of dead practitioners is said by Scientologists to be mini alien dogs barking at psychiatrists. When we're gone, we're gone (in a spaceship).

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