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2 Rapid 2 Ragey (commonly known of 2R2R, or The Fast and the Furious 7 to people who can keep count) is the seventh installement of The Fast and the Furious film series, following on from The Rapid and the Ragey. Like the film before it, it is a rehash of the first series of FF films, with this one taking most of its plot, characters and ideas from the 2nd film, 2 Fast 2 Furious. It stars Paul Walker, Tyrese Gibson, Christian Bale, Jessica Alba, and NOT Vin Diesel. Like 2 Fast 2 Furious, the film was once again directed by famed director of Black Hip-Hop based movies and not a lot else, John Singleton. Quentin Tarantino appears as a special guest director to shoot most scenes featuring Christian Bale, who would only agree to star in the film if it had a proper director.
Paul Walker returns as the ethnically confused cop Brian O'Connor, who teams up with his ex-con homeboy from back in the day, Roman Pearce (Tyrese Gibson). The duo transport a shipment of something for shady Miami-based actor Christian Bale, while working with hot undercover agent Cammy Rodriguez (Jessica Alba) to bring Bale down.
The film fades in with some cheesy hip hop music. Approximately 500 racers arrive in the middle of a narrow street, with the miracle of camerawork managing to make it seem plausible that there would be enough space to fit their vehichles. They all rev their engines at each other and play about with the hydraulics, giving no indication of their racing ability.
- Street Racer#1: Hey Ludacris, we wanna race man...
- Ludacris: Well there ain't enough people, bruh. And I like my illegal street races to be orderly.
- Street Racer#1: Then why don't you race with us?
- Ludacris: Hell nah! You know I don't race no more. Not since... (has a flashback to himself)
- Misogynist Street Racer: Hey, while you're at it, why don't you get a replacement for skirt here (points at Suki, a female racedriver. The whole crowd goes "OOOOOHHH")
- Suki: Oh yeahhhh... Well maybe we should find someone who didn't get their car out of a cereal box to replace YOU!
The whole crowd shouts "OOOOOOOHHHHH" even louder.
- Ludacris: Alright, this ain't gettin us nowhere. I'm gonna make some calls to some people.
The whole crowd again goes "OOOOOOHHHHH".
- Ludacris: Why you fools jeering at that? You people are fuckin' retarded, man.
Ludacris walks off to the side and dials a number into his mobile phone.
- Ludacris: Yo, wassup McQueen. Theres some fools here looking to get they money taken. You interested? ... A'ight man, catch you soon.
Ludacris puts his phone away without telling him where the race is. He arrives in less than 60 seconds anyway. The crowd goes wild as the pulls into the parking spot, made to look epic by shooting it with 8 different camera angles and splicing them all together rapidly. The driver gets out the car, and it is no-one else but our favorite FF wigger Brian O'Connor, using the alias McQueen in a nod to Steve McQueen. He already used Bullitt in the second movie.
Brian steps out of his car with a huge cheesy grin on his face, and random people in the crowd hi-5 him and do other gestures of respect, even though they have little knowledge who he is.
- Ludacris: Hey, McQueen. You ready to thrash these fools.
- Brian: Yeah, you know it. When's the race start.
- Ludacris: Just as soon as the last racer gets here.
- Brian: You mean I'm not the last person to arrive. Goddamn it. The person who arrives last is usually the person who wins.
- Ludacris: I know dawg, which is why you're gonna have to pull some serious shit to win this race. Oh, here he is now.
The mysterious driver pulls up in a car that makes most of the crowd stop speaking in the middle of their sentence as they admire his ride. High-tech camera choreography shows off the fact that his car is supposed to be really special, even though the average person cannot tell the difference between his and the other racers' cars. He pulls into a parking spot, knocking over a trash can as well as a few crowd members. The driver gets out and is revealed to be Christian Bale, looking highly drunk and pissed.
- Bale: ALRIGHT! Let's get this fuckin' race started.
After saying that one line, he gets back into his car and turns the engine on again, ready to race.
- Brian: I gotta beat him? Oh man, I wish you told me earlier so I could have definitely turned up last.
- Ludacris: Sorry man, but you're gonna have to think of something.
Brian gets into his car.
- Brian: (to self) Think, Brian! Think! What would Vin Diesel do? Errr... I mean, Dominic.
The racers get ready to go. They rev their engines and look at each other menacingly. Finally, a hot girl walks upto the starting line and waves the flag. Cue some very fast editing to make the cars seem like they are going reall fast, when in reality they are travelling at around 30mph. Christian Bale is in the lead, with Brian tailing close behind him. Brian looks up ahead and sees a chinese kid trying to impress some honeys by breakdancing in the middle of the street. Brian takes advantage of this by driving alongside Christian Bale, blocking him from moving out of the way. Christian Bale narrowly misses the chinese kid and accidentally rams his car into a lamp post. Brian speeds off into the distance. Bale is not happy.
- Bale: Am I going to walk around and break your fucking boombox, in the middle of a dance-off? Then why the fuck are you walking right across? Ah-da-da-dah, like this in the street. What the fuck is it with you? What don't you fucking understand? You got any fuckin' idea about, hey, it's fucking distracting having somebody walking across the road in the middle of a fucking race? Give me a fucking answer! What don't you get about it?
- Chinese Kid: Listen dawg, I was just showing these bitches my skills and... (interrupted)
- Bale: Ohhhhh, goooood for you. And how was it? I hope it was fucking good, because it seems retarded now, doesn't it?
- Chinese Kid: OK.
- Bale: Fuck's sake man, you're amateur. Yo Ludacris, you got something to say to this prick?
- Ludacris: Yo dawg, I didn't see it happen.
- Bale: Well, somebody should be fucking watching him and keeping an eye on him. It's the second time that he doesn't give a FUCK about what is going on in the middle of the road, all right? I'm trying to win a fucking race here, and I am thinking "Why the fuck is this stupid little chinese kid walking across the street? What is he doing there?" Do you understand my mind is not in the race if you're doing that?
- Chinese Kid: I absolutely apologise, man. I'm sorry, I ain't mean nothing by it.
- Bale: Stay off the fucking road man. For fuck's sake. Alright, let's go again.
- Ludacris: What?
- Bale: I said LET'S GO AGAIN!
- Chinese Kid: Oh shit, dawg. He thinks we can start the race again just 'cause I made him lose. (Laughs)
- Bale: I'm going to kick your fuckin' ass if you don't shut up for a second! All right!?
The scene cuts back to Brian winning the race. He crosses the finish line to massive applause. Two minutes later, Suki crosses the finish line.
- Suki: Yeah Homeys! Check me out!
Suki is apparently unaware that there is no prize for coming second. She is still celebrating when the cops arrive, and begin to break up the crowd of street racers with police brutality. Brian tries to escape but is tasered and thrown into the back of a black van.
Brian has the black bag taken off his head, and realises that he is in an FBI briefing room. A large, heavyset, black FBI agent is in the room with him, as well as a few other agents working on computers.
- Brian: Oh shit, not you again, Bilkins.
- Bilkins: That's right O'Connor, or did you think we just wouldn't care after you let Vin Die... err, Dominic get away for a second time.
- Brian: What do you want with me, man?
Bilkins turns on a large computer monitor, showing a surveillance video of Christian Bale at his villa dealing with some unsavoury characters.
- Bilkins: You see this guy? That's Christian Bale, one of the world's most talented actors. We also believe him to be a major player in the criminal underworld. We've monitored all kinds of degenerates visiting his house. Drug dealers, hookers, russian scientists, you name it.
- Brian: So what does this have to do with me?
- Bilkins: What do you think? The most obvious plot turn would be for you to go undercover and get some hard evidence on the man, so we can put him away.
- Brian: I don't know, dude. It sounds kinda risky.
- Bilkins: Look at it like this. If you don't do this, we'll put you in prison, again. But if you pull this off, we'll make you an FBI agent... again. Deal?
Brian contemplates for a second on the choice he has to make. Or at least, tries to look like it, even though the actor is having difficulty pulling it off, and doesn't know what contemplate means.
- Brian: All right, man. I'll do it.
- Bilkins: Good. Glad to have you on board, O'Connor. Meet your partner, Agent Dulles.
Bilkins points to an FBI agent standing nearby, slurping on a cup of pepsi from the pizza place next door. Brian gets up and walks over to him.
- Brian: Looks like we're gonna be partners, bro. If you could just hit me right quick, what would be the better pizza for my lactose intolerance, a stonebaked Margherita from Nissans, or a stuffed crust Pepperoni from Subaru.
The agent looks at Bilkins for support, who just shrugs his shoulders. The agent gathers some fake confidence.
- Dulles: The Margherita from Nissans.
Brian looks at his superiors contemptively.
- Brian: That's funny, I didn't realise Motor Manufacturers made pizzas.
Dulles' commanding officer snatches the cup of Pepsi from his hand.
- Commanding Officer: (muttering) Stupid motherfucker.
- Brian: C'mon, if this is the help you're gonna give me, I may as well take my chances in Leningrad. I wanna choose my partner.
- Bilkins: Alright, O'Connor. Who have you got in mind.
- Brian: A guy I used to boost cars with back in Barstow, and was in this exact same plot situation two years ago... Roman Pearce.
As is the way with all efficient movie-telling, the scene has cut right before the character can elaborate on what he has said, and Brian and Agent Bilkins have been magically transported to a destruction derby in Barstow. They make their way inside to find Roman destroying tons of cars with his monster truck, killing several people in the process. The crowd cheers. He spots Brian in the audience, and flips him off before walking outside the arena to his trailer. Brian and Bilkins follow.
- Brian: Hey, Rome!
Roman slowly turns round and glares menacingly at our ethnically confused protagonist.
- Roman: Only my ho's call me Rome, PIG!
- Brian: (to Bilkins) Whatever happens now, just let it go, alright.
- Bilkins: If you say so. I'm gonna go get some ice-cream.
Bilkins walks off, leaving Roman and Brian in a classic mexican standoff. Tumbleweed blows across the ground, while dramatic western music builds the tense atmosphere.
Brian and Rome roll around on the floor, bitchslapping each other. Brian eventually manages to get Roman in a leg-lock to stop him from fighting any further.
- Roman: I did two years because of you, Brian!
- Brian: I thought you finally admitted it wasn't my fault.
- Roman: No, that was the first time I got busted and blamed you for no reason. But this time, I know it was you who got me arrested for taking a prostitute and a sack full of weed over the US border.
- Brian: Oh. Well it still wasn't my fault.
Bilkins returns with two ice-creams. Roman, seemingly forgetting his vendetta against the cop who put him away, gets up.
- Roman: Hey, is one of those for me, man. Cause I'm hungry! (takes ice cream)
- Bilkins: Well, it was actually for O'Connor, but I never liked the son of a bitch anyway. He's ruined 2 of my operations now... (mutters on about how much he hates Brian) Anyway, I'm here to offer you a second... err, third chance. Team up with O'Connor to take down Christian Bale and you'll get that community sentence removed from your record, and you'll be a free man.
The actor playing Roman tries to emulate the process of thought about his decision. He fails, but the scene continues filming nonetheless.
- Roman: Aight man.
- Bilkins: Good. Keep in mind, that you'll both be partners, which means you'll have to get along. I don't want any more of that hardcore fighting I just witnessed a second ago.
- Roman: Me and Brian fighting? Whatchootalkinbout Bilkins? Me and Brian always get along, except when I remember that I got busted, and that he used to be a cop, and therefore busted me.
- Brian: Fucking idiot...
The three walk off to go... somewhere.
- Roman: I just gots one question though, money... Who the HELL is Christian Bale?
- Bilkins: I'll print off the Uncyclopedia article for you.
- Roman: You mean Wikipedia, right?
- Brian: Check it out, Bilkins. This guy still uses Wikipedia.
Brian and Bilkins laugh.
- Roman: Shut up, PIGS!
Brian, Roman and Bilkins are now in a warehouse with several large containers.
- Bilkins: Okay, guys. It's time for you to meet our undercover agent and correspondent.
One of the container's doors open. A hot girl walks out, played by none other than Jessica Alba.
- Rodriguez: Hi boys. I'm agent Cammy Rodriguez. I'll be your undercover correspondent.
This would normally be some really awful dialogue, having copied what Agent Bilkins said word for word. However, because she is hot (when compared with Agent Bilkins, at least) it will seem passable to a male viewer.
- Roman: (whispering to Brian) I know she's hot and everything, but I don't trust her, cause she's an undercover cop and could be playin' us. Hold on, you used to be an undercover cop too. I don't trust you either. Stay away from me, pig.
Brian has not listened to a word Roman said, as he has an erection.
- Rodriguez: Would you like to see your vehicles?
- Brian: (zombie-like tone) Yes...
The cars launch out of another two containers. Cue another session of rapid editing with different camera angles to hammer home the fact that these cars are fast.
- Roman: Daymmmmnnn... The convertible's mine.
Roman does not realise that they are both convertibles, as only one has its roof down. They are both in fact the same model car, with different paint jobs.
- Brian: That's fine, dude. Cadmium yellow was never my colour anyway.
- Rodriguez: I'm glad you like your cars. I've set up a meet with Christian Bale, where he'll be looking to hire you move some cash. Make sure you both be there.
Brian and Roman walk upto Christian Bale's mansion.
- Brian: Listen up, dude. I don't want you causin' trouble and startin shit with Christian Bale. We need him to trust us, OK?
- Roman: Hell man, I never seen the man in my life, and I still trust him more than you, PIG! Anyways, just keep in mind, I ain't gonna be putting up with no short-tempered, ethnically confused, whiteboy.
Agent Rodriguez opens the front door.
- Rodriguez: Hi guys. Come in. Christy-bear's in the living room.
- Roman: (whispering to brian) Dude, you hear that? She called him Christy-bear. I think she turned on us bro.
Brian is not listening, as he is too busy staring at Jessica Alba's ass.
- Roman: What you checkin' her out for?
- Brian: What? No, I'm not. Shut up, cuz.
- Roman: Don't be telling me to shut up. You shut up!
- Rodriguez: Both you girlies, shut up.
They walk into the living room, where Bale is playing Operation! by himself.
- Rodriguez: Christybear...
Christian looks up.
- Bale: What?
Distracted, Bale accidentally loses the game, causing the buzzer to go off, and an electric shock to be administered.
- Bale: FUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKKK!!!!! (jumps up in pain)
- Rodriguez: Oops. I'm sorry, baby.
- Bale: Oops? Fucking oops? I tell you specifically not to distract me when I'm playing Operation! and all I get is a fucking Oops?
- Rodriguez: I'm sorry, baby. I forgot.
- Bale: Whatever. Are these the guys you told me about?
- Rodriguez: Yeah. This is Brian O'Connor, and Roman Pearce.
- Bale: I'd shake both of your hands if mine wasn't temporarily spasticated. (shows shocked hand)
- Roman: I don't think Operation! is supposed to give you electric shocks.
- Bale: What a fucking excellent observation! I tampered with it so that instead of a vibration, it gives you 15 volts of pure pain! Russian Roulette Style!
- Roman: Hold on a second... You're telling me that you turned an ordinary kid's game into some kind of sadomasochistic death trap.
- Bale: Damn right...
- Roman: That is motherfucking genius!
- Bale: Hell yeah!
Roman and Bale high five. Brian looks confused... More confused than when he was told Vin Diesel would not be appearing in this movie.
- Bale: Alright, let's talk business. Take a seat.
- Roman: Hey, y'all gotta anything to drink. I'm thirsty.
- Bale: There should be some beers in the cellar.
Roman leaves to get beer.
- Bale: You look kind of familiar. I seen you anywhere before?
Brian thinks its best not to bring up the time he forced him to drive halfway up a lamp post.
- Brian: Nah man. Oh wait, I think I saw you on TV once.
- Bale: Well, that wouldn't explain how I think I saw you. I don't jump into your fucking television set and act there do I?
- Brian: (feigning dumbness... possibly) I wouldn't know, dude. I never worked in showbusiness before.
- Bale: (smiles) Riiiiigggghhhtttt.
Roman returns with beer.
- Bale: About fucking time!
- Roman: Sorry, dawg. I got lost. Hey, I was wondering: why's there some Chinese guy tied up in the cellar?
- Bale: (looks alarmed for a second) Never you fuckin' mind. We got business to do.
- Roman: Oh, cool.
Bale pulls out some highly complicated looking plans.
- Bale: Now, I'm gonna be lookin' for you to transport... (interrupted)
- Roman: Hey, I don't mean to interrupt, but have y'all got anything to eat. Cause I'm hungry.
Brian shakes his head in disbelief.
- Bale: I guess the briefing of my super-secret plans can wait a second while you fill your fucking stomach! FINE! My wife should have left some ham sandwiches in the fridge. In fact, bring them through. You've been wasting my time for so fucking long that I'm now hungry.
- Roman: Thanks, man!
Roman again leaves.
- Bale: Greedy bastard! Come on, let's have a round of Operation! before he gets back.
- Brian: Ok.
The pair manage to play a round of Operation! without being electrocuted. Christian Bale is currently on his second turn, pulling out the Bread Basket, the hardest piece to be removed, worth 1000 points.
- Brian: You know, I didn't realise you and Agent Rodriguez were married.
- Bale: Who?
- Brian: Oh, I mean Cammy! Not Agent Rodriguez! Damn Agent O'Connor, I don't what you are talking about. Anyway, I didn't know Cammy was your wife.
- Bale: (barely listening, focused on winning the game) She's not...
- Brian: Oh... so you're just fucking her on the side, then?
- Bale: No.
- Brian: Oh. I'm not sure I understand.
- Bale: You think because there's another woman in my house who walks round in her underwear and gives me a stupid nickname, that I must be cheating on my wife?
- Brian: Err, yeah.
- Bale: You're a very strange man, Brian O'Connor. (electrocuted) Gah FUCK!!! FUCK YOU, YOU STUPID MACHINE!
Christian throws the board game on the floor and viciously stomps it to death. After sufficiently decimating it, he then throws it out of the window into his swimming pool.)
- Bale: (threateningly to Brian) WHO WON THAT GAME?! HUH?! WHO WON THAT GAME?!
- Brian: Err... You did, dawg. You did.
- Bale: You're damn right I did! FUCK!
Roman re-enters with a plate of sandwiches.
- Roman: Yo, who wants some sandwiches?
- Bale: HELL YES! Electrocution burns a lot of calories, y'know.
Roman laughs his ass off at this weak pun. Brian lethargically smiles.
- Roman: Hey, Christian. I was wondering, why's there some big bald dude in the basement playing cards with Keanu Reeves and Sean Connery?
- Bale: Fuck's sake, you ask a lot of questions, you know that? Eat your fucking sandwiches.
- Roman: (upbeat) Aight, dude.
Roman puts the plate of ham sandwiches on the table. Roman and Christian begin eating. Brian does not touch the food.
- Roman: Hey Brian, why ain't you eating?
- Bale: Yeah, have a sandwich.
- Brian: No thanks, man. I ain't hungry.
- Bale: But it's ham sandwiches. My wife made these. You're not Jewish are you? Not meaning to be racist, but I gotta tell you right now, I ain't hiring no fucking Jew driver. That'd be almost as dumb as hiring an Asian one, y'know what I mean.
(Roman laughs and he and Christian bump fists.)
- Bale: (stern face) Seriously though, you're not Jewish right?
- Brian: (realising Christian is serious, he wipes smile from his face.) Nah man, I'm black... I mean, Irish.
- Bale: Black? Excellent. I need drivers with good hotwiring skills in case they need to dump their old ride and get a new one.
(Bale and Roman bump fists again.)
- Brian: No, No, Irish.
- Bale: Oh, I'm sorry. "Black Irish", then. Whatever. Anyway, take a look at these plans.
Bale lays down some blueprints on the table. Brian and Roman stare at them blankly.
- Brian: Dude, you don't seriously expect us to understand those, do you?
- Roman: Yeah, dawg. I'm a race car driver, not a motherfuckin' rocket scientist.
- Bale: What?! C'mon it's simple. You just follow the lines here... and then it's... and err... Oh, you know what? Fucking Forget It! (tears blueprints in half and throws them on the floor) You just make sure you transport my stuff from point A to point B in the alloted time. Okay?
- Roman: Yeah! Now we talkin.
- Bale: Good! I'm glad you understand. Now get the fuck out of my house...
Roman and Brian look at each other half-puzzled, and begin to laugh.
- Bale: This ain't a fuckin' joke, man. Get out!
- Roman: Oh, my bad...
Christian marches them to the door.
- Bale: Go on, get your shoes on.
- Brian: Get our shoes on? Dude, we didn't take them off.
- Bale: (looks at Brian in disgust) Fucking dirty Yanks! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HOUSE! (kicks them out onto the patio) No, wait here a second.
Christian goes back into the house and returns with the plate of sandwiches.
- Bale: Here, take my wife's shit sandwiches with you. AND DON'T BE LATE!
Christian throws the plate of sandwiches at them and slams the door closed. Roman dutifully picks up the sandwiches and he and Brian begin walking down Bale's garden drive.
- Roman: I'm gonna like workin' for him!
- Brian: Shut up, Rome!
- Roman: No you shut up, Brian! Don't you see? He is gonna take us places.
- Brian: Did you forget that we're supposed to be arresting him?
- Roman: You want to arrest everyone, PIG!
- Brian: Seriously bro, don't you remember everything Bilkins told us to do like 2 scenes ago.
- Roman: Shit dog, I ain't arresting him. I like him! Hey, can you keep a secret?
- Brian: Sure, bro. (Brian leans in for Roman to whisper)
- Roman: I think the dude might be Batman.
- Brian: (scoffing high pitched wigger tone) WHAT?
- Roman: I was looking round his house before, and I was looking through his wardrobe for some high-quality threads to steal, and there was a Batsuit in there.
- Brian: Whatever, Rome...
- Roman: I'm serious! Had a utility belt and everythang...
- Brian: Listen Rome, you're gonna blow our cover if you keep snooping around his house like that.
- Roman: I ain't ignorant, dawg. That's why when I saw the Batsuit, I just took his Gucci watch and left.
Roman and Brian are in Ludacris' automechanic garage. Ludacris, Suki and another annoying Chinese guy are at a table playing poker.
- Chinese Guy: (rapping) I'm sitting over here in Ludacris' garage. I'm a low-budget mechanic who likes to rap when he plays cards.
- Ludacris: Just deal the cards. (notices Brian and Roman walk in) Hey wassup, negro and ugh... wegro.
- Brian: Wassup Ludacris. So what's happening with you guys?
- Suki: WE'RE PLAYING CARDS!!!!!
- Brian: So I can see.
- Chinese Guy: (rapping) I deal out cards like you think Jesus could. You know I got my skills from rolling in the hood. I shuffle cards with style, if you disagree you're in denial. But you know my words are true like Roman Polanski's a paedo... (interrupted)
- Roman: Heeeeeeeeyyyyy, you know, you kinda look like that dead chinese guy I saw at Christian Bale's house.
The Chinese guy's face drops and he throws down his cards in anger.
- Roman: What'd I say?
- Brian: (whispering in Roman's ear) Dude, it's kinda racist to say all Chinese people look alike.
- Chinese Guy: I hate Christian Bale! My brother wasn't doin' nothin' but trying to get some play off the ladies with his mad breakdancing skills, and Christian Bale iced his ass.
- Roman: Oh, I see, it's a family resemblance. Told you, Brian!
- Brian: Aight, dude. I'll give you this one.
- Chinese Guy: Hey, what did you two say about Christian Bale?
- Brian: What, err nothing. We were just saying about how, err, we went to see a movie of his and it was really bad.
- Roman: Err, yeah, yeah. It was just awful. Let me just say that it was NOT Shaft, which could not have been better directed or remade by John Singleton, the true voice of all African-Americans.
John Singleton can be heard behind the camera saying "Thank you".
- Chinese Guy: Oh, aight,! We cool. (sits back down)
- Suki: Check it out homeys! I got five red cards... Read them and weep! YEAH!
Ludacris rubs his forehead in frustration.
- Ludacris: Goddamn it, Suki! All reds doesn't mean jack shit in poker.
- Suki: Oh, well doesn't the two-card burn the hand?
- Ludacris: That's President! That's not even the same goddamn game! Just shut the fuck up and try to learn the rules while I deal with Brian, aight?
- Suki: Okay, home-dogggg.
Brian, Ludacris and Roman walk outside the garage.
- Ludacris: Ok boys, so what can I do for ya?
- Brian: If we're gonna survive the next scene, we're gonna need something really special.
- Ludacris: Hmmmmm... I see your dilemma, difficult as it may be... I got it! How about, I build you a suit of power armor that can fly and launch missiles. You know, roast your enemies to death with flamethrowers and shit. And we'll build it out of a special titanium gold alloy that I have my bling made out of. And then...
- Roman: Actually, I was thinking that we have a pimped out car, but instead of having only one canister of Nitrous Oxide, we have TWO!
- Ludacris: That will probably be much easier to do, and would better fit the film's, I mean, my garage's budget. Aight, you on
It's night, and Roman and Brian are staring at the stars over a balcony. This is probably one of those lame Bromance scenes.
- Roman: So I heard you helped Vin Diesel escape the police a second time. D'you think, maybe, that had something to do with you feeling guilty about me doing time again.
- Brian: Well, actually Vin Diesel said he'd pay me if I... (looks at Roman's optimistic face.) I mean, yeah, I think it might have had some influence on me. Listen, bro. If there was anything I could have done to help, I would have done it.
- Roman: That's just what I've been waiting to hear all these years.
- Brian: I fuckin' love you, dawg.
- Roman: I wanna be inside of you, holmes!
They hug. I fucking knew it. Fags.
Brian and Roman pull upto Christian Bale's house and open the trunks of their cars. They load suitcases into the back and close them up.
- Bale: I need you to take all this to a pier about 80 clicks north of here.
- Roman: Clicks? This ain't a Vietnam War movie, motherfucker.
- Bale: Sorry. For some reason I thought this was Rescue Dawn. Anyway, I'll meet you there. Have a safe journey.
- Roman: You nervous, Brian?
- Brian: Nah, man. I think if we just stay above 90mph, we'll be able to keep the five-o off our backs. Besides that, just stick to the plan. It'll all be cool.
- Roman: Oh, ok... wait, Brian!
- Brian: Yeah?
- Roman: Good luck, dawg.
- Brian: Thanks, man. You too.
- Roman: Thanks, man... wait, Brian!
- Brian: Yeah?
- Roman: What actually is the plan?
- Brian: Fucked if I know. C'mon, let's go.
Brian and Roman get in their cars and speed off down the road. Sure enough, a police unit catches them speeding, and being unable to keep up with them, calls in fifty other cops. Brian and Roman talk over walkie-talkies.
- Brian: It's getting pretty heavy, bro. Rome, you got any ideas on how we can get out this?
- Roman: We? Fuck that! You on your own, brother! HA HA!
Roman veers off into a sidestreet, leaving the entire battalion of police cars following Brian.
- Brian: Rome! Where are you going!? Goddamn it! Vin Diesel would never have pulled shit like this. What am I gonna do? Think Brian, think!
Brian tries thinking of a different racing strategy, besides driving in a straight line, that will lose the police. It appears all hope is lost, when Vin Diesel's disembodied voice calls out to him.
- Vin: Brian. Use the Nitrous...
- Brian: Vin? Is that you? How are you talking inside my head? And where have you been?
- Vin: None of that matters, Brian. Just let go of the steering wheel, and kick in that Nitrous Oxide.
- Brian: Oh shit, yeah. I totally forgot, and we even made a big deal about it in that scene before. Though, I'm still not sure about letting go of the steering wheel.
- Vin: Brian. Would I lie to you?
- Brian: To be honest, Vin, I don't think you have the acting ability to pull it off.
- Vin: Exactly, Brian. Just make sure that hundred shot of NOS doesn't blow the welds on the intake.
- Brian: Thanks Vin, but I don't know what that means.
- Vin: That's okay. Neither do I. Goodbye, Brian... (voice fades out)
Brian flips on the switch to the first canister of nitrous, gaining him some distance away from the police, but not enough.
- Brian: (monotone) Damn it. How will I lose them? Oh wait, I know. I will use that 2nd anister of nitrous oxide that I had specially installed in the previous scene.
Sure enough, Brian turns on the second can of NOS and escapes the police. He arrives at the pier where Christian Bale is waiting by his yacht.