User:Martinultima

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Today's Featured Article - Renewable energy

Photoshopped burning wind turbine

Renewable energy is another approximation made by physicists to simplify a problem that is too difficult to solve. In the same way that a cow might be treated as a point mass from a million miles away, researchers are more than delighted to assume that the sun will last forever as an energy source, in order to further spoil the world into increasing its rate of energy consumption and dwarfing the copious amounts of energy wasted in luxuries such as the Large Hadron Collider.

Inasmuch as scientists have been ungrateful toward their Creator, they have now turned to the blasphemous worship of nature, in particular, the sun and mother earth. Instead of finding ways to reduce human energy consumption, society is encouraged to continue in wastefulness in the hope that one day someone will have found out how to harness energy from the sun, wind, water or earth, allowing us to carry on chopping down trees and negating the efforts of the so-called "earth hour" in a millisecond's worth of high energy particle physics research.

Other groups envisage defecation and corpses as a power source for vehicles. However, by the time this becomes viable, the digestive system will have evolved to be so efficient that no caloric energy would remain in any organic waste. A method cheaper and much more sustainable than government-funded research is to suspend all technology for 50 million years or so and watch much of the world's population naturally convert itself into fossil fuel, whilst hoping that Armageddon does not occur during this period; this alternative is not very popular among academics, as it will leave most of them unemployed. (more...)

Recently featured: Supply-side Jesus

Yesterday's Featured Article - Supply-side Jesus

Jesus-salesman

Supply-Side Jesus is little-known outside of Republican circles, but his life has been chronicled recently by the biblical prophet Al Franken. It turns out that Supply-Side Jesus was a contemporary of that other Jesus, the Jesus of Nazareth. While this article is not about Jesus of Nazareth, but about the real, true, one and only Christ, the Supply-Side Jesus, we should allow Jesus of Nazareth at least a small footnote in this article. Jesus of Nazareth was, to those of you who don't know all these obscure Biblical references, and we'll just get this one out of the way: According to Edward S. Herman (an early scribe), Jesus of Nazareth was an early rabble-rouser of Communistic tendency, and the victim of an early witchhunt. It could even be asserted that he would be one of the first witches to ever be hunted. Jesus of Nazareth is often confused with Elvis Presley. While "Jesus's countenance was like lightning and his clothing white as snow" (Matt 28:3), Elvis had been seen on stage wearing snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts. And the two were never seen in the same place at the same time, which makes the similarity even more creepy.

Both Jesii have had some connection to wood and nails. Supply-Side Jesus ran a hardware store that sold dry goods to local contractors and home renovators. Jesus of Nazareth was at that time not widely-known and frequented the establishment due to their unbeatably low prices and courteous service, while oblivious to the fact that much of the tools and dry goods he was buying were made in Byzantine sweatshops using child labour; and that those who worked under Supply-Side Jesus signed an agreement not to ever join a union. Supply-Side Jesus established himself as the kind of salesman who was able to sell sand to Bedouins. Indeed, once he succeeded, a typical Bedouin he might have sold it to would curse himself the next day for his stupidity. Said bedouin could not return his sand for a refund, since he would never be able to prove that the sand he purcahsed was any different from the sand in the surrounding desert. What was he thinking?

Supply-Side Jesus also sold clay and limestone to build houses that were not much different from the clay and limestone which littered the landscape in those days. Jesus of Nazareth would also buy twigs and branches to make the walls and thatched roofs of the houses in his contractual territory, which covered a sprawling Jerusalem suburb known as Bethlehem. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Max Planck, featured on 28 February 2014. See the featured version.
Anti-humour, featured on 28 February 2012. See the featured version.
Workaround-oriented programming, featured on 28 February 2011. See the featured version.
HowTo:Handle Flashing Your Vagina in Public, featured on 28 February 2010. See the featured version.

Did you know...

In the news

On this day...

February 28: Bad 1337 Xpletive day (M41133714)
  • 0037 - Using "eleven" or any variant in exclamation breaks no longer in vogue.
  • 1337 - 4(!!!1!111!!!!eleven!!!!
  • 1373 - R0( 0'D0nn1!!!!1!!!11onehundredandeleven!!
  • 1733 - 58422u(!!1!!!!!1!onethousandonehundredandeleven!!!!!
  • 1961 - man invents viagra.
  • 2010 - those damn n00bs and IP fags give a birth of this cocksucking anniversary page!11!!eleven!1!1211
  • 2012 - beer better than anything

Today's featured picture

Kafkametamorphosis

Franz Kafka started his career as a newspaper cartoonist, before being sued by Gary Larson in the court of his own mind.

Image Credit: Modusoperandi
Vote on this image - Nominate new image - View all featured images

Recent Articles

Speed Racer (rw) | Temporal paradox (rw) | UnBooks:Suffer the Little Children | She Blinded Me with Science | New meat from the writing competition: Supply-side Jesus | NBC | ENIAC | Raphael | Horace | Renewable energy | One Thousand and One Nights | Rembrandt | Relationships (images) | Hydrocarbon | Supply-side Jesus | Randy Travis | Wind (rw) | Charlie Hebdo | Christchurch (Dorset) | Invasive species (rw) | Horace Greeley | The Jackson 5 | The Cosby Show | Ido | Galla Placidia | Barf (rw) | Nirvana | Gensokyo | CHU | Star Trek: Enterprise | Rough Gay Wolf Sex (rw) | Darth Vader (rw)


More recent articles | Most wanted pages | Requested rewrites | Add to stubs | Lonely pages | Pee Review | Try writing about... | Stuck articles needing a push

Writer and Noob of the Month

Writer of the month
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.


Noobaward
Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!


BePrepared
It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!

HEIL FROSTY!



Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

Oh my god! There are no more days left! It's today or miss the boat to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month, GET VOTING!!

Martinultima’s Scratchboard
In the same vein as Slate Industry in Wales:
Postage stamps of Ireland are the postage stamps issued by the postal authority of the independent Irish state.”
~ Captain Obvious on Wikipedia's featured article on August 14, 2007

Get Franklinstein here VFP-ready:
Franklinstein-signing-detail

And get Franklinstein here VFH-ready...
My Latest Articles
Benjamin Franklinstein PEE VFH
Jolt Cola PEE -
Complete Bibliography
8/3/2007 Benjamin Franklinstein – Norelco, you betrayed me! Time for plan B...
7/22/2007 Norelco (obviously this is a personal favorite now)
7/21/2007 UnNews:J.K. Rowling reveals title for Harry Potter 8! (been waiting to post this since 2005!)
Not my best, but apparently VFH'd anyway. Kudos to User:Sonic80 for being my one supporter here. Note that that bit about Homer Simpson (and, well, that other thing) was not my idea, but oh well. Oh, and screw you, Michael Gerber.
7/4/2007 Benjamin Franklinstein
7/4/2007 Jolt Cola (rewrite)
Includes Image:Benjamin Franklinstein.jpg
7/3/2007 Norelcopee review, resubmit (philosophy + shaving? bad combination...)
Also comes with Image:Mona Lisa Razor.jpg and Image:Occam's Razor in Action.jpg, yours free with paid order!
6/26/2007 The Human Element – waiting for pee review
6/19/2007 Image:American idols got talent.png. I hate that show.
2/15/2007 Geocities (I think this is where I put in {{:Me}})
2/10/2007 National Federation of the Blond (started, but needs a lot more blond jokes)
2/9/2007 UnNews:National Federation of the Blond: "Dye your hair, you're in danger!"
2/5/2007 Image:Thyspace.png (for Thyspace)
2/5/2007 Captain Omnipotent (section: Weaknesses + pic)
1/18/2007 Jolt Cola
1/16/2007 UnNews:Scientist experimenting on coffee arrested for blowing up universe
6/3/2006 Minimalist talk page
6/3/2006 Deep Note
3/4/2006 Geocities (really crappy original version)
1/9/2006 I Fucking Hate the Bermuda Triangle (added line: ships and planes...with chips on plates)
11/30/2005 Celine Dionide
11/20/2005 Image:Palpatines guide to facial care.jpg
11/3/2005 UnPoetia:Norbert Percy Tangleknickers
Articles Images WTF?
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