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Today's Featured Article - California


California is a huge proving ground of the United States of America on the Pacific Ocean. Although it has two Senators and hundreds of Reprehensibles in the U.S. House, it is not a state but an experimental mosh pit, where new social trends are refined before being unleashed on the nation. The current experiment is a full-body transfusion where a state's entire population is replaced by the population of Mexico.

What is now California was first settled by the Indians. Like eloping teenagers, the Indians came from somewhere else, but it seems they belong there and we don't. Over 70 distinct groups of Indians settled in the territory, where they developed Kachinka dolls, did rain dances, and hid from meteor showers. Unfortunately, they forgot to bring their shotguns, hot rods, and laptop computers, and they are now free to smoke-um peace-pipes and such on pristine reservations in the state's more barren regions.

The next arrivals were Spanish galleons. In 1565, a fleet called the Thrilla from Manila made unintended visits to California on their way back from somewhere else. In 1579, Francis Drake did better, not just visiting the region but going to the Land Office and filing a claim. Vizcaíno explored and mapped the area in 1602, and no one got the point, which is evident at every Town Planning Board: that every innocent "attempt to take accurate plots" is a plot to take over.

No one did, however, until Portolà explored in 1769. He never got anyone to help him with the backward accent over his name, but the Spaniards started setting up presidios, this long before they started turning up in movies. They also founded Los Angeles and San Jose, a place to make movies and a place to watch them, respectively. These were the first pueblos, though movie stars now shave them. San Jose became the "world's largest truck stop" long before the first tractor-trailer. (more...)

Recently featured: California - British ski jumpers

Yesterday's Featured Article - British ski jumpers

Eddie edwards3

The imperialist ambitions of the United Kingdom used to be expressed through colonisation of half of the known world and a complete exploitation of everything it had and it did not have to offer. Nowadays, this behaviour being virtually impossible due to the pressure from the part of the UN and NATO, the British decided to conquer the world of sports. Unfortunately, their plans are usually ruined by different countries, depending on what discipline Britain tries to compete in. In cricket the country is beaten by South Africa, in soccer by Italy and in ice hockey by most of the known countries, whether Northern or Southern. Such losses on multiple fronts have urged England to create several entirely new sports disciplines, which only the British would know how to compete at, notably "unsuccessful ski jumping". Unsuccessful ski jumping is roughly the same as the usual ski jumping with the only difference being the fact that British ski jumpers have, since the dawn of sports, been trained to fail. (more...)

Featured today, a long long time ago

Featured Hammurabi, featured on 29 November 2013. See the featured version.
HowTo:Be an American in Europe, featured on 29 November 2012. See the featured version.
Where The Wild Onions Grow, featured on 29 November 2011. See the featured version.
Collective Nouns, featured on 29 November 2010. See the featured version.

Did you know...

  • ...that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?
  • ...that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
  • ...that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?
  • ...that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
  • ...that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?
  • ...that Afghanistan is known for its lush dirt farms, where dirt and dust are cultivated by villagers to enhance the scenic emptiness for which the region is known?
  • ...that the Rorschach inkblots all look kinda like my Aunt Gladys giving head to Satan?

In the news

On this day...


Master Magician Carman, prior to the Marvin Gaye incident

November 29: Third annual Day of NEIN!, Spell all 'C' words with a 'K' day (UK High Schools)

  • 1854 - Australians rebel and wave the Eureka Flag. As usual, American government takes all credit from the Aussies.
  • 1939 - Britain asks ze Germans nicely to pul out of ze Poland... but dis ist NEIN day und so ze german public shouts! und so hitler said NEIN!!!
  • 1983 - In a publicity stunt gone bad, Carman decapitates R&B star Marvin Gaye.
  • 1983 - Band Aid release the little known Do They Know It's Christmas? (1983 Version)
  • 1984 - Chocolate rations were increased from 30 grams to 20 grams.
  • 1991 - David Copperfield stuns world by causing Statue of Liberty to vanish into thin air.
  • 1992 - After a year-long search, NYPD gives up search for missing statue, citing lack of cooperation by local eyewitnesses.
  • 1990 - Taking advantage of the 'C with K' day, someone wrote 'KUNT' on the blackboard, and was praised for thinking before being expelled.
  • 1993 - Retaliating against "police harassment" after authorities bring charges against him in relation to disappearance of Queens, Copperfield destroys Manhattan Island with his penis.
  • Today - Someone is throwing a party and you aren't invited.
  • Today - Bob got rob by Dennis
  • 2002 - As a special treat, high school pupils in England are allowed to play Kommanden and Konquer, but not Command and Conquer. When pupils discovered the game only existed with a 'C', there was a mass rebellion.
  • 2003 - Sally Webster and Pat Butcher partake in civil partnership
  • 2003 - Rumsfeld attemps to use magic in order to find WMD. Results are not as expected.
  • 2004 - Metropolitian Police release statement condeming Oscar Wilde
  • 2005 - Oscar Wilde wins high court battle with Metropolitian Police. Oscar Wilde spends settlement winnings on Cocaine
  • 2005 - Snape kills Dumbledore using magic.
  • 2005 - In Soviet Russia, magic kills Snape using YOU!
  • 2006 - Someone will throw another party to commemorate the one-year anniversary of their supreme triumph in having prevented you from attending their party the previous year; this timeyou will be invited
  • 2006 - Dick Chaney made some guy's head disappear. He later claimed that he was trying to make a rabbit come out of his hat but missed.
  • 2006 - A young boy is brutally beaten at school after spelling the word 'Comrade' instead of 'Komrad'
  • 2006 - Triumph, the talking dog, gets neutered.
  • 2007 - Just before dying of throat cancer, someone will write you out of their will for having failed to come to their party the year before last.
  • 2123 - The Magic Circle becomes corrupt after using their 'powers' for brutal mass-murder. The circle collapses... into more of an oval shape to be honest.
  • 2586 - Armageddon.
  • 2587 - Duke Nukem Forever.

Today's featured picture

Noob offensive

Chronicling every edit from every date between 20 April 2005 and 20 April 2006, the Newbie Friendly Uncyclopedia Almanack is the Uncyclopedia Noob's ultimate sourcepoint, written in such simple language that even the n00best of n00bs can comprehend such subjects as the Bermuda Triangle with ease.

Image Credit: Hindleyite
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Recent Articles

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More recent articles | Most wanted pages | Requested rewrites | Add to stubs | Lonely pages | Pee Review | Try writing about... | Stuck articles needing a push

Writer and Noob of the Month

Writer of the month
GlobalTourniquet wins Writer of the Month for September in the typical fashion of some prolific writer who has been abscent for 2 years only to return with bold, new ideas for their writing! It should also be noted apart from the fact he is back that he is talented in what he writes and he does a fine job managing UnNews. So hats off to GlobalTourniquet, may he bring many, exciting articles to Uncyclopedia!

Seriously, we love you.

Noob of the Moment is the award that all newbies want and Sinner George has pulled that off excellently (being the second Greek to have this award!) It should be mentioned that his username is deceptive, he is actually a very good George writing new master pieces and getting on well with the dynamics of Uncyclopedia. You should congratulate him on this prestigious honor.

Hats off to you George, may you bbe with us for many months years to come!

It is said last months winner has an ego comparable to Napoleon but both of these people are nothing compared to the ego of Frosty, as both winner of Uncyclopedian of the Month (second time!) and the writer of this update he will stain this section with vanity and how wonderful he is. Frosty is a wonderful Uncyclopedian, he is the best, he will crush you all. He has no time for the likes of you and he is the new administrator and unless you worship him he will take you on a free of charge trip on the banwagon!


Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners

Clock is ticking! There's only one more day to nominate and vote for Writer of the Month, Noob of the Month and Uncyclopedian of the Month, GET VOTING!!

Martinultima’s Scratchboard
In the same vein as Slate Industry in Wales:
Postage stamps of Ireland are the postage stamps issued by the postal authority of the independent Irish state.”
~ Captain Obvious on Wikipedia's featured article on August 14, 2007

Get Franklinstein here VFP-ready:

And get Franklinstein here VFH-ready...
My Latest Articles
Benjamin Franklinstein PEE VFH
Jolt Cola PEE -
Complete Bibliography
8/3/2007 Benjamin Franklinstein – Norelco, you betrayed me! Time for plan B...
7/22/2007 Norelco (obviously this is a personal favorite now)
7/21/2007 UnNews:J.K. Rowling reveals title for Harry Potter 8! (been waiting to post this since 2005!)
Not my best, but apparently VFH'd anyway. Kudos to User:Sonic80 for being my one supporter here. Note that that bit about Homer Simpson (and, well, that other thing) was not my idea, but oh well. Oh, and screw you, Michael Gerber.
7/4/2007 Benjamin Franklinstein
7/4/2007 Jolt Cola (rewrite)
Includes Image:Benjamin Franklinstein.jpg
7/3/2007 Norelcopee review, resubmit (philosophy + shaving? bad combination...)
Also comes with Image:Mona Lisa Razor.jpg and Image:Occam's Razor in Action.jpg, yours free with paid order!
6/26/2007 The Human Element – waiting for pee review
6/19/2007 Image:American idols got talent.png. I hate that show.
2/15/2007 Geocities (I think this is where I put in {{:Me}})
2/10/2007 National Federation of the Blond (started, but needs a lot more blond jokes)
2/9/2007 UnNews:National Federation of the Blond: "Dye your hair, you're in danger!"
2/5/2007 Image:Thyspace.png (for Thyspace)
2/5/2007 Captain Omnipotent (section: Weaknesses + pic)
1/18/2007 Jolt Cola
1/16/2007 UnNews:Scientist experimenting on coffee arrested for blowing up universe
6/3/2006 Minimalist talk page
6/3/2006 Deep Note
3/4/2006 Geocities (really crappy original version)
1/9/2006 I Fucking Hate the Bermuda Triangle (added line: ships and planes...with chips on plates)
11/30/2005 Celine Dionide
11/20/2005 Image:Palpatines guide to facial care.jpg
11/3/2005 UnPoetia:Norbert Percy Tangleknickers
Articles Images WTF?
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