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Today's featured article
Heartbeat 2012 is a spin-off from the popular-with-the-elderly ITV hit series Heartbeat. The writers and producers of the Heartbeat series hoped that dragging the series out of the sixties and into the near future would give it a new lease of life and hopefully “get with” the next generation audience they needed to survive. Unfortunately the series was axed last minute after the real residents of Ashfordly (rather fiecely) deemed it “unrealistic” and “too exciting”. What follows is the script from episode three (of six), the only thing salvageable from the recently torched studio.
Scene 1: Int. Police Station – day.
The police station is very quiet as the camera pans across an empty desk revealing NATHAN SOFTWOOD, a young policeman, listlessly drawing knobs in the margin of a report. The phone rings and Nathan jumps sending his pencil clattering to the floor. He looks at the phone like he’s unsure wither or not to bother answering. Eventually he picks up the receiver.
- Nathan: Hello?... You need everyone down there immediately? There’s a RIOT!? FANTASTIC – I’ll be right there! I, mean yes, sir, it’s awful. Right away, sir. (more...)
Yesterday's featured article
Daikaiju Gojira—also known by his on-screen moniker Godzilla—was a giant radioactive mutant dinosaur, and was one of Japan’s foremost film stars for nearly half a century. On the screen, Godzilla was known for his legendary acting range: he could play anything from an evil giant mutant dinosaur to a benevolent giant mutant dinosaur to an antiheroic giant mutant dinosaur, and everything in between. Off the screen, Godzilla was known for his brooding and often complex personal life. Of note are the friendships he forged with many of his costars (most notably Rodan, Anguirus and King Ghidorah); his tumultuous and sometimes rocky relationship with female costar Mothra; and his infamous radiation addiction, which finally cost the monster his life in 1995.
Daikaiju Gojira was born to a small family of modest means on Lagos Island on May 31st, 1934. His father—a fellow Godzillasaurus—worked as the island’s alpha predator, catching and killing wild boars to maintain his family. Godzilla’s childhood was typical of other surviving dinosaurs. However, in 1944, Godzilla had his first encounter with humankind. In his autobiography—simply titled Gojira: My Song (Toho Press, 1992)—he reflects: (more...)
Did you know...
- ...that when you gaze long into an abyss, you may suffer from vertigo?
- ... that J.D. Salinger was this guy, he was a writer I think? He wrote this book, it was about baseball or bread or something.
- ...that when you gaze long into an abyss, you may suffer from vertigo?
- ... that J.D. Salinger was this guy, he was a writer I think? He wrote this book, it was about baseball or bread or something.
- ...that when you gaze long into an abyss, you may suffer from vertigo?
- ... that J.D. Salinger was this guy, he was a writer I think? He wrote this book, it was about baseball or bread or something.
- ...that when you gaze long into an abyss, you may suffer from vertigo?
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In the news
- Oscar-winning actor Karl Malden is the new Grim Reaper. (Pictured)
- Some old guy died, or something (ask your parents)
- Farmers in despair as their cattle evolve
On this day...
July 5: X Day
- 334 BC - Masturbation is accidentally invented by Plato in Athens. His diciple Aristoteles is later declared "Master of his domain"
- 1687 - Isaac Newton (pictured) discovers gravity after being hit on the head by a falling fig.
- 1689 - After outbreak of falling fruit, Isaac Newton officially changes gravity to 7.
- 1946 - The bikini is introduced in Paris, France. Later, no bikini atoll was the trend.
- 1967 - The first kidney transplant to be made entirely of lego bricks ends in tragedy
- 1998 - Aliens fail to turn up and fry everyone to a pink crisp.
- 1999 - Again, the aliens miss the due date.
- 2000 - Yet again, the aliens fail to meet their contractual obligations.
- 2001 - Cultists get seriously pissed off with yet another no-show.
- 2002 - Kooks consider taking legal action against missing aliens.
- 2003 - Aliens turned up, but not the right aliens. Bloody mocking tourists.
- 2004 - No one turns up because no one expects the aliens to. And, yup, they didn't.
- 2005 - If you are reading this, the aliens did not turn up for the 8th year running.
- 2005 - Longest fart in world history. Produced by AMB.
- 2006 - That's right, still no aliens.
- 2006 - Zombies become extinct.
- 2007 - Deal or No Deal? The aliens decide to take the money and not show up - again!
- 2155 - Aliens almost turned up.But missed a left due to wrong directions and landed on Venus.
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Today's featured picture
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Recent Articles
HowTo:Interrupt Serious News Broadcasts |
UnScripts:A Vignette From Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater |
UnScripts:Trapped at Sea |
UnBooks:Alibaba And The Forty Bikers |
Why?:The Long Face? |
Emo rap |
Bland Gift Manual, Prison City(rw)|
Refugee Camp |
LazyTown (rw) |
Consumer Reports |
Left 4 Dead (rw) |
Call from Grandma |
Wild Bill Hickok |
UnBooks:The Autobiography of Jesus of Nazareth |
UnScripts:Heartbeat 2012 |
Alternative Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous |
Writing (rw) |
High school: an essay by an old lonely man in a retirement home |
Surgeon General's Warning |
UnTunes:I Will Possess Your Log |
Aunt Ginny’s Saturday afternoon lunch at Bob Evans |
Antbortion (rw) |
Forest Whitaker's Lazy Eye |
UnBooks:Michael Phelps Makes Me Sick |
Why?:You shouldn't take acid before riding a bicycle |
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Stuck articles needing a push
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Writer and Noob of the Month
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Stirling 1297.
As the clans gathered to chase away the English hordes, spirits were low and the grim Scotsmen scanned the seemingly never ending English battlement lines.
"So Connor" said of the clans chiefs "Tonight we go to the great distillery in the sky?".
"Aye Duncan, I don't see what other option we have. What with that wanker William Wallace and his lackeys. Look how pale the lad is! I hope they have some good Scottish single malts up there, not that pansy blend the Irish drink".
...And suddenly, a single horn blurted out its war song, one which suspiciously resembled the yet-to-be-written tune of YMCA. A brilliant figure appears on top of the cliff, its hair marvelously done, its kilt colorful and freshly pressed, its great sword adorned with flowers. The figure lifted the sword above its head with a seductive wave and all the clansmen cheered in a surprisingly harmonious contralto.
"Connor, who in the name of Mrs. McCormick's haggis is that?"
"That, Duncan, is Sir Orian Mc57, lord of the merry clans of the North, and the most fearsome warrior of the highlands. Our victory is now assured!"
"Oi, Brian, look here. That must be the King of the Scots" whispered one of the English lords.
"How do you reckon?"
"Because he hasn't got shit all over him".
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Welcome! Welcome sirs to our haunted house! We're pleased to start this open day to introduce you to the never ending possibilities in owning such a house. Let me introduce you to some of our residents. The stove lights by its own on undetermined intervals. It tends to burn your food every now and then, but its a great party trick. Oh! Oh! and the shower! The shower! It's alternating between bitter cold and hellishly warm! You can show off your alternating heat/cold burns! No? Hmmm. Oh! Oh! in the bedroom you keep hearing wails of anguish in Albanian! No? The phone keeps ringing collect to Transylvania? The piano keeps playing Richard Clayderman day and night? The TV plays season three of "are you being served?" constantly? Oh! Oh! The staircase! the staircase! He's writing high quality literature! That must worth something! No? Please don't go! I'll play some Clayderman for you!
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Vote for Writer of the Month | Vote for Noob of the Month | Vote for Uncyclopedian of the Month | Past Winners
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| Complete Bibliography
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| 8/3/2007
| Benjamin Franklinstein – Norelco, you betrayed me! Time for plan B...
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| 7/22/2007
| Norelco (obviously this is a personal favorite now)
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| 7/21/2007
| UnNews:J.K. Rowling reveals title for Harry Potter 8! (been waiting to post this since 2005!)
Not my best, but apparently VFH'd anyway. Kudos to User:Sonic80 for being my one supporter here. Note that that bit about Homer Simpson (and, well, that other thing) was not my idea, but oh well. Oh, and screw you, Michael Gerber.
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| 7/4/2007
| Benjamin Franklinstein
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| 7/4/2007
| Jolt Cola (rewrite)
Includes Image:Benjamin Franklinstein.jpg
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| 7/3/2007
| Norelco – pee review, resubmit (philosophy + shaving? bad combination...)
Also comes with Image:Mona Lisa Razor.jpg and Image:Occam's Razor in Action.jpg, yours free with paid order!
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| 6/26/2007
| The Human Element – waiting for pee review
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| 6/19/2007
| Image:American idols got talent.png. I hate that show.
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| 2/15/2007
| Geocities (I think this is where I put in {{:Me}})
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| 2/10/2007
| National Federation of the Blond (started, but needs a lot more blond jokes)
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| 2/9/2007
| UnNews:National Federation of the Blond: "Dye your hair, you're in danger!"
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| 2/5/2007
| Image:Thyspace.png (for Thyspace)
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| 2/5/2007
| Captain Omnipotent (section: Weaknesses + pic)
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| 1/18/2007
| Jolt Cola
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| 1/16/2007
| UnNews:Scientist experimenting on coffee arrested for blowing up universe
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| 6/3/2006
| Minimalist talk page
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| 6/3/2006
| Deep Note
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| 3/4/2006
| Geocities (really crappy original version)
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| 1/9/2006
| I Fucking Hate the Bermuda Triangle (added line: ships and planes...with chips on plates)
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| 11/30/2005
| Celine Dionide
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| 11/20/2005
| Image:Palpatines guide to facial care.jpg
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| 11/3/2005
| UnPoetia:Norbert Percy Tangleknickers
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