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Contrary to popular belief, Mario is NOT a lovable video game character, but is instead a solid, trustworthy communist of the current Soviet Union. (For more information on this, see www.albinoblacksheep.com) There are several factors that quite clearly suggest Mario's affiliation with the commies. First off, he bears a remarkable resemblance to a certain righteous man, Josef Stalin. Second, he wears orange overalls, the signature color of communism. Third, he spends his life going around invading settlements by sexy Goombas, and overthrowing the local governors, known as "Bowsers". And finally, the clearest reference to communism is the flag that Mario raises every time he defeats a "boss". At first glance, the flag seems to be nothing more than a mushroom. Look again. The emblem on the flag is none other than the great penis and vagina. Hail comrade dickhole!
Although it was rumored that Mario served under Stalin in Soviet Russia. Being one of Stalin's chief advisers he attempted to convince the dictator to join with the Mushroom Kingdom, creating a force so powerful that nothing could defeat them. Sadly Stalin would not accept the offer of greatness because Stalin could not stand Peach's right hand man, Toad. Stalin loathed Toad so much that he repeatedly threatened to have him "drawn and quartered if he ever mentions Bowser stealing the stupid princess... Beach... Creach... whatser-face... again!" Ever since then Mario has had a hidden vendetta against Toad that is still buried today. After Mario's obvious political defeat Bowser began to entice Stalin to join in his rebellion against the Mushroom Kingdom. Stalin, Bowser's temporary lover, agreed and outfitted the Koopas with Soviet weaponry. Sadly it worked a lot like it did in the actual Soviet Union. One Koopa stood in front with a gun in his hands but no extra ammunition, and another stood behind that one with extra ammunition but no gun, so when the first Koopa went down the other could take his place. This plan never really worked seeing as the Koopahs lacked hands. So Mario, Luigi, Wario, and yes... Toad, defeated Bowser and the Soviet Union (ending Bowser's and Stalin's affair).
Mario's also unstoppable. After whipping out over half the Koopa population, Bowser sent a whole army after Mario. Tanks, Planes, also nukes, but apparently nothing can defeat this insane man who takes caffeine pills and goes crazy at night. Mario is also notorious for his use of hallucinogenic mushrooms.
Apparently, Mario is an insane madman, and the ruler of hell, according to his brother Luigi, but then he lost one life, and he was back again all normal and such, reincarnated if you will, but his 1st soul wasn't finished killing, so it fused with Mario's body, creating a half demonic mad man. According to Luigi, the body he's in keeps us all safe from Mario's true form. So everyday, we must sacrifice a Toad to please Mario so he won't go satanic on us.
Dr. Giuseppe Mario Jumpman, Ph.D., BSc (June 23 1981 - December 1 2020)(née Mario Mario) was born Mario Mario. When addressing him formally, Mario does prefers not to be called "mister", so he is generally referred to by his last name, Mario. Only his closest friends may call him by his first name, Mario, and those who refuse to call him by his last name get sat on, stomped on, ground pounded (don't ask) and whatever the fuck else the official instruction manual that came with your cradtridge says.
Mario is the only person alive that has beaten Bowser, Martha Stewart, and Walt Disney (not to mention Michael Jackson). He is the prophesied mustachioed saviour of the Mushroom Kingdom, also known as the Land of Shrooms. He (and his brother, Luigi Mario) were originally born in Itay. However, an early murder attempt by those who feared the prophecy forced them seek refuge here in our world. Mario and his brother ended up living in Brooklyn, New York, unaware of his destiny, apprenticing under Bob The Builder. The brothers quickly adapted, being influenced by the Italian culture surrounding them, and learning the traditional Italian art of plumbing. Mario was shot by Martha Stewart,but the bullet passed through without any major damage. Mario sent Yoshi to get rid of Martha, but Martha took out Yoshi in a gun fight in Branson, Missouri.
Mario began to glimpse that he was meant for another calling when a large ape, nicknamed Big Head, terrorised the city and kidnapped Martha Stewart, a love interest of Mario's at the time. Mario hesitated to save his girl, and persevered against the simian and his seeming endless supply of deadly barrels. Sadly, already being attracted to hairy men in the first place, Martha Stewart found Mario woefully inadequate after her time spent with Donkey Kong. Martha later got serious surgery at the cost of 0 Dollars, because DK threatened the Doctor. She changed her name to who we know today, as Candy Kong, partly due to the surgery process which used candy colored bacteria. Mario was enraged by the surgery and studied to get his own doctrine in pharmacy so that he could kill the colorful bacteria with colored pills. However, do not let Dr Mario touch you - he's not a real doctor.
Some time later, the brothers were called in to save the city again from strange creatures that were coming out of the sewers and Doritos (tm) packs. The heroic brothers managed to successfully fight off numerous waves using their incredible jumping abilities and POW blocks. But when the brothers began to investigate the strange green pipes the monsters came from, they were transported to the Mushroom Kingdom.
Here they found this magical land in turmoil - the evil King Bowser of the Koopas had overthrown the peaceful Mushroom Kingdom and kidnapped the lovely Princess Peach Toadstool (who also works as a nurse for Dr. Mario). Along with his army of evil koopas, Bowser also had enslaved the rest of the land under his threatening farts. The brothers then embraced their destiny and set off to free the Mushroom Kingdom and defeat Bowser, which they did, by ingesting magic mushrooms and using fire flowers. And so, the prophecy came to pass, and the kingdom was saved. It later turned out that none of this ever happened. Mario just thought it happened because the mushrooms messed with his head.
Not long after, an evil frog Wizard named Wart began terrorizing the land in a similar manner. Once again, he set off with his brother to defeat the evil farts, this time by picking their noses. After eight grueling worlds, Mario defeated Wart, and woke up realizing that the whole epic had merely been a waste of time resulting from an acid trip that was ripped off from the game Doki Doki Panic. He had merely partied and drank too hard the night before.
“MARIO STOLE OUR F**KING GAME! HE'S A RIP-OFF ARTIST!!!!”
Months passed, and Bowser rose to power again, this time sending his minions to collect the magic wands of several kingdoms, and turn all kings into stupid little cows. Bowser also invented the pipe bomb, a device that explodes randomly when mario tries to go down the giant green pipes (which he never cleans by the way). Mario discovered more powerful arms than the mushroom and fire flower, such as dressing up as a racoon. This furry ability is one of the deadliest (and cutest) known to man, as furries are disgusting, and on occasion, able to turn to stone statues. He was also able to climb in a boot to jump, and dress like a turtle to throw hammers.
Mario subsequently stayed in the Mushroom Kingdom. Between skirmishes with Bowser, he enjoyed spending his time go-kart racing, golfing, playing tennis (which introduced Waluigi), and throwing a good old fashioned party from time to time. After becoming the president of Italy in 1998 as leader of the Mario Party, and his success increased to maximum levels, managing to re-top Pokemon as the most successful franchise ever.
After a few years, Mario wanted to fill his craving for violence, so he joined boxing, but was kicked out a year later for killing a man with a pipe. So he Joined wrestling, and got fired when he learned it was fake and punched Big Show in the face. He then joined UFC. He can be still seen in it today. By the name of "Tim Sylvia". He wanted to hide his identity. He is currently the UFC champion, and noone can get his title, cuz if they try, he takes goes and makes a game so they can't fight him.
To date Mario has starred in several games (that plumber is so busy), all of which were excellent, popular, and successful (one, two, or all three, depending on the situation). This has caused many renowned Gamers in Japan to nominate Mario time and time again to rule over Japan. Sadly, he was taken off the ballot due to drug charges. In his biography, titled "It's-a-me," he admitted to being a heavy magic mushroom user, but also stated he still hosts several parties with his friends, including eight successful ones.
In recent years many people have been trying to look like Mario as they a) think they'll look cool and b) want to shag the princess. Although these are good reasons none seem to have succeeded so far.
edit Mario's addiction problem
"One night, Mario and I went to a bar." says Princess Peach on an exclusive interview about Mario's addiction to mushrooms. "It was around 2:00 AM - Mario asked for a drink, but there was something strange about the bartender. He had a giant spiked-shell, horns and he spit fire. Anyway, he offered Mario a purple mushroom. 'Try it, it'll make ye feel like flying.' he said. After that night, Mario was never the same."
Mario had been secretly an addict for the past years, as revealed by some of his work partners.
"He locked himself in his room and started screaming something about a paper world and a giant mutant chameleon kidnapping people." -Said Yoshi, an intimate friend of Mario and rumoured to be the plumber's newest love interest after his crush on the Princess Peach. Another one of the reports say that Mario believes he is getting something called "Points" every time he slaughters another koopa. Due to this, Mario continues to kill innocent people, spearing them, and eating them alive for "bonus points". Will the horror ever end?
Remember don't do drugs kids.
edit Mario's Big Break
In 1993, Mario caught his first big break... a job at a video game company. He lied on his resume and said he had extensive knowledge in C, Java, C++, C+++, C--, C#, D, D++, BASIC, and more. After about the first 34 minutes and 12 seconds, Mario called his brother, asking for help. Luigi had no knowledge either, but didn't want to disappoint. So, in turn, he helped program the first game they ever made:E.T. for the Atari 2600. He also fought in the Second world tournament in Street Fighter under the name M. Bison. But he lost to some guy named Sagat who was bald and had a single eye which is believed to have the same powers as Pandora's box.
edit "Do the Mario"
"Doing the Mario" refers to a brief dance sensation from the early nineties.It is also a term that people use today, which means, roughly translated, "screw me like a fucking Italian plumber!" The dance, invented by ex-pro wrestler Captain Lou Albano, involves swinging one's arms from side to side, whilst taking steps at appropriate intervals. It should also only be performed when it is in fact 'time to go.' Whether the song dictates when it is, in fact, time to go, or simply occurs as a result of this is presently unknown, so two Mariographers began researching the matter. As a result of their frustration, they have recently given up and entered the hip-hop business. Their seminal hit, "Tell Me When to Go", can be seen as a final farewell to this life of chronoligistics. Strangely, even years after it's peak, the dance was decided reason enough for the Mario Party to take part in the Dance Dance Revolution. This was referred to as the "Dance Dance Revolution Mario Mix" incident.
- When studying this form of dance, it becomes clear that Lou Albano had no idea what he was doing.
- This should not be confused with the pornographic film of the same title that Mario starred in.
- Eventually Mario stopped doing the Mario and became a Mac Daddy as stated by Randy Solem.
- Vladmir Putin has said on record repeatedly that he is a big fan of this song and knows the dance by heart.
edit In Super Smash Bros Brawl
Mario, surprisingly was going to be in Brawl, but when Sony, Microsoft, and Sega heard, they each created their own character to replace Mario in Brawl. Sony created the character "Weird," Microsoft created "Al," and Sega created "Yankovic." Nintendo misheard and accidentally combined them. Thus the character Weird Al Yankovic was born and replaced Mario in Brawl. However, Nintendo soon found out that Weird Al Yankovic was copywrited by some retard. So Mario was put back into the game, and Sony, Microsoft, and Sega instead devoted their energies to putting their composite character into a platformer game.
edit Metal Gear Mario
There was a Metal Gear Solid game starring Mario that was going to be released on the Nintendo GameCube, however, the game was dropped because he was an army soldier and because Mario was apparently a kid's character (a polite euphemism meaning that Mario lacked the testosterone for brutally killing enemy sentries) the game was dropped, also Mario would never really give a crap about the millitary anyway. The game was soon copied on floppy disks by gamers but a floppy disk could never hold that much data so the Black Market whores were screwed!
edit Metal Gear Wario
Because Nintendo failed at designing Metal Gear Mario they went and made this crap game. It had Wario as the protonigist who was going to go find treasure by slaughtering our most beloved Nintendo characters! There were special bosses such as Yoshi, Luigi, and best of all: Princess Peach, however, many people said that this game was an illegal hack of Metal Gear Solid Snake Eater, because EVA was replaced with Waluigi and had gay incest scenes with Wario and Waluigi making out and Waluigi talked in EVA's voice, and most of the game resembled Snake Eater apart from the fact that Snake's head was replaced with Wario. The bosses bodies were replaced, a few code hacking done here and there, however most of the original game was still intact. This game was going to be on the Nintendo Wii.
edit Mario and Luigi
Mario and Luigi are actually only half brothers. Luigi, the elder brother, was infact concieved by artificial insemination by donor sperm. Mario's father, Georg Jumpman, after several failed attempts to concieve, took a sperm test that came back with surprising results. It appeared that instead of human sperm he, infact, had horse semen and therefore could never concieve a child with his wife, Nancy. 3 months after Luigi was born Nancy discovered she was pregnant again. She swore that she had been faithful to georg and the pregnancy was proclaimed a miracle. It was later discovered that Georg, who worked in a horse stud, had accidentally switched his semen sample with that of 'Kitten Huffer', a prize stallion, and there was nothing abnormal about his semen.
Luigi always resented Mario for being Georg's true son and the fact that Georg loved Mario more. The reason he chose not to attend Mario's funeral was that the day of Mario's death he had discovered that Mario had always know the true identity of Luigi's father and had kept it from him. Luigi, in a fit of rage and believing that had he known his biological father's identity he could have escaped the loveless home he grew up in, swore that he would never lay eyes on Mario again... even in death. Sadly, Luigi's biological dad, one Oscar Wilde, did not wish to openly acknowledge the relationship saying "Jesus! you think it's great to get paid to jerk off into a cup but then 30 years later it comes right back to bite yer in the ass!"
edit Mario Kart
Mario Kart is, in fact, a tribute to Mario's father, Georg, who, whilst working at the stud, would often take Mario around in his horse and cart. Luigi was never invited. Beacuse of this Luigi turned emo and began kitten huffing for extended periods of time. He infact huffed the laser cats off of Saturday Night Live, and now can jump much higher than Mario. Yet sadly Mario always hogs the spotlight, and steals his mushrooms.
edit Sexual Relationships
Mario's only woman is Princess Peach, whom he has had sex with over nine thousand times, most of which occured after rescuing her from a castle somewhere, then pressing reset.
He finally forgot a condom, and Peach is reported as pregnant, expected to give birth in Febuary, proving that Mario does not have problems with his plumbing.
It is rumored that he would have done it with Daisy too, behind Luigi's back, who is believed to be the current husband of Daisy.
On December 1 2020, 35 year old Mario was squished to death when atempting to slide down a green tube in Chocolate Island. The 600 pound icon hopped in and midway through became stuck. After paramedics arived, they found him in the tube, belly popped. Funeral services were held on Christmas. His brother Luigi was not at the funeral because he died before Mario. Mario was buried next to Luigi for family reasons.
- Many people beleive that Mario is a plumber of the Mushroom Kingdom when, in fact, he is one of the greatest free-runners of all time. His sport is included in many of his original video-games where he would have to make his way from one end of a stage to another in a set time, the rules of Mario's version differ however from the French one: these rules include disapearing into the ground when touching a Goomba, running without moving your arms like a cardboard goon, and stepping on innocent turtles.
- The last of these points later led to the RSPCA hunting Mario down and jumping on his testicles shouting "How do you like it, you commie pig!?"
- 'Mario Bros' is just a cover up for the real story, they are not simply known as Mario Mario and Luigi Mario, but more properly as Fat Tony and Al Capone, a.k.a. "The Mafia Bros."
- Mario takes up an occupation as singing with an alias "Mario Vasquez." FBI found out it meant M-m-m-Mario, who got rid of his red caps and blue overalls during album snapshots and performances.
- Mario, in the Brazilian superstition, is the legendary rider of the Chupacabra, or the goatsucker.
- Mario was dictator of Italy from 1921 to 1945, but then again, so were lots of people.
- Mario was orginally trained in his arts by the famous Bob The Builder, but they had a falling out after Mario kept hitting the bricks in Bob's contruction sites to make coins fly out. To this day Mario and Bob refuse to speak to one another.
- Mario met Wario the Quario at Nintendiversity. And eventually, Mario got the coup de grace over Wario the Quario's plans to overthrow the Mushroom Kingdom.
- Mario Puzo was his alterego.
- Mario has been accused of being Bob the Builder's secret identity. Given that the two are enemies (see above) said accusers are talking out of their respective asses.
- The nickname "super" came about after he won the Bouncy Castle Feather-eating Contest. He downed 4,754 different feathers, endagering several species of bird, including the cockerflopper and the zombie owl.
- Mario also has a notoriously bad sense of direction. He will often turn up somewhere, only to be told that the person he is looking for is in another castle.
- Mario participated once of The King of Fighters tournament. He had the misfortune to be first paired against Mr. T, he had no time to eat a mushroom and to make things worse, his team was worse than the 1994 A-Team. Mario was doomed to lose since the beginning.
- Mario is the only reason the planet still exists. if a meteor or the sun threaten to destroy the planet, Mario deals with them.
- Mario's super fireball attack is what our sun is made of.