From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Unfortunately, no one can be told what a puddle of shit is. You have to see it for yourself.”
“I once had a puddle of shit. I was so happy, we named it after my husband. But, it ran away, with my Husband”
Puddles of shit are quite rare and precious. Many of the general public have never even heard of a puddle of shit, yet, those who have seen or experienced a puddle of shit in all its' glory are as one in the opinion that the puddle of shit is far superior to the puddle of shits distant cousin, a piece of shit.
Don't let appearances deceive you: a puddle of shit is quite harmless in comparison to the piece of shit" (sometimes referred to as a "politician). Some say that puddles of shit are more cultured and artistically relevant than pieces of shit, others will argue that that they are made by the same element, but a puddle of shit is simply much easier on the eye, not to mention much more simple to suck up a straw.
First of all, it must be made clear that puddles of shit are not those naturally found in your bathroom toilet as a result of the after-math of digesting one of those burrito-esk like substances purchased from any 7-11. Human-excreted semi-solid waste, by common name's "sloppy pooh", "Diarrhea" or "That feeling of when your asshole is taking a piss", is a completely different floater, as it often contains solid chunks and can not be fully sucked up through a straw. Shit puddles are made of pure shit in liquid form - a viscous material that is quite aesthetic and opaque, but not as flexible or clumsy as other ass blasters. Very few people are known to excrete puddles of shit, but the few who do are often surrounded by idolizing young admirers, and have earned great respect from the artistic community. In a true show of culture and glamor, most of the great "puddle shitters" of the 21st century do not excrete into ordinary toilet bowls. They achieve sweet relief in more extravagant ways. They relieve themselves on canvas, or on a mural, or even directly on the art-gallery floor or wall itself. Prices of their work at auction have risen of late, supply and demand being what it is, and sales of their artwork over the internet has increased as fast as the artists' fortune. This has all been achieved by scientific devices that can now tell this shit apart from the rest of the art.
edit Courting ritual
Those who have been exposed to or have owned a puddle of shit trumpet its benefits and primitive beauty. One major use for these puddles, known to the "in crowd" more than the general population, is it's use in courting rituals by the rich and famous. The high-profile celebrity, Tom Cruise, for example, was said to have presented a puddle of shit to his former wife, Nichole Kidman, on their first date. This tradition continued with Cruise's courtship of Katie Holmes who, upon receiving a cruel and unsual gooey dowry on their first date, likened it to the feeling of holding a newborn infant.
edit In ancient times
In Ancient Egypt, puddles of shit were sacred, and were often used as sacrifices in holy rituals to the Gods and Goddesses inhabiting the Nile Valley. The pharaoh was said to be the only one who was capable of excreting a pure and worthy-of-the-Gods puddle of shit, and anyone else who claimed they could do the same thing were immediately escorted to the mush room, where they were mushed to death. The Egyptians made a sport out of preserving the corpses of these dead fools by filling their canopic jars with the substance itself, which has a tedious side-effect of being an excellent tissure preserver.
In Mayan culture, puddles of shit were stored away to be ritualistically used in times of war. When the need arose, the puddle was used as body paint, and gave the Mayans strength in their downwind charges of the enemy.
In ancient Aztec culture, on the other hand, puddles of shit were saved for use in sauces of the purest delicacy. Raisins, spices, and cocoa are added to the recipe by the pured puddles themselves.
edit In present-day culture
The people of India find not only cows sacred, but their shit puddles even more so. The lucky few whose cows shit puddles are considered the most loved by Rama and Vishnu, and the puddles of these particular cows are drunk ceremoniously to ward off evil spirits.
Among eskimoes of the extreme northern climates, frozen puddles of shit are used as primative decorative art, the frozen still-life sculpted with a sharpened walrus rib until it's ready for presentation to the community.
Mormons, allegedly instructed by a book dictated by an angel, are thought to bathe in puddles of shit, which explains their excellent skin.
edit In contemporary times
One particular current fad is the "My Pet Puddle of Shit" line sold by both ACME and John Scherer's outfit. The product is not actually a real puddle, but a synthetic replica which has all the features of the real thing. ACME's version is said to have a softer texture than Scherer's, but Scherer seems to have gotten the smell right. Consumer Reports rates both products as equally lifelike.
- Puddles of shit cannot be found in Singapore, due to the air pressure at sea level.