From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
edit My userpage is a sandbox, too
“This game is harder than fossilized triceratop turds.”
“Did that blast just come from its ass? Are these walkers or are these dogs shitting out air-born turds?”
“Well those convador belts can suck a dick!”
The Angry Video Game Nerd was born Nerdswoth Nerdswell the Nerdth (but says its James D. Rotfl), on Jupiter 5th, 1980, in Nerd Jersey, USA, in hospital that James refers to as a shit-load-fuck where doctors can do what DuckHunts can't, and stick their bill up their fuckin' asses. He proved a difficult birth for his mother, who made repeated requests to "pop this fucker out of her warpzone" while giving lewd gestures to the doctor about her cunt feeling like Pacman has burning asteroids flying out of his Dig Dug. The doctor succeeded in calming her by giving her two bottles of Rolling Rock through a beer bong.
When James finally came sliding out of his mother's cunt, his father is said to have exclaimed "MAMAMIA!!!" in surprise, as baby James was actually born wearing his trademark glasses and pocket protector. His father than shook his head and said "A fuck-a me-a dead, Luigi!" before the doctor informed his father it would be several weeks before he could "here I go-a" again with his wife.
edit Infant hood
According to his mother, James' first word was "fuck-balls", his second was "ass-puke", and his third was "shit load of fuck". He proved a handful to his parents, often berating the food they served him as a "pile of diarrhea vomit coming out of a unicorn's dickhole" and refusing to eat it. The only thing he seemed to accept was Rolling Rock beer, chilled and served in a baby bottle. His father recounts that baby James was strongly adverse to wearing soiled diapers, and would often call out "Is somebody gonna take off this sack of festering shit you strapped to my waist?" until someone would change him.
edit Youth and discovery of Nintendo
James was abdomen as a child to always review everything he did not like in a profane manner. He gave his own mothers titties a score of 2/10 and told her to take her "putrid pile of monkey fuck looking tits, and their diarrhea flavored like balls milk" away from him. He then pissed on his mother and set fire to her several times which was becoming an ongoing problem until James received a Nintendo NES. From that point on, he focused all of his anger on video games, which was a huge relief to his mother, whose tits where beginning to look like 50 pounds of monkey cheese shit in a 25 pound bag up your ass.
edit School days
In junior high and high school, James would be sent to the principals office repeatedly for explicit criticism of his teachers ("Your teaching is total ass! I'd rather stick my face in a pile of elephant feces while having shit-aliens probe me up the ass than take your fucking classes!") and was suspended twice for possession and consumption of alcohol on the school premises. Yet, James excelled in all academic classes and was well on his way to becoming his class's valedictorian with a 4.0 GPA. However, his English class would prove to be his downfall, as his teacher would deduct points for every time he used the words "fuck", "shit", or "ass", often being presented in that order and combined with other words, which resulted in a negative score to his English results, but an A+ in his creative writing classes.
Reports are still found in the 1990 history book that James will forever be remembered as the student who apparently was constantly seen shoving his crappy Atari 5200 controllers up classmates fucking asses in the fucking latrine because they could land the plane with ease in the video game "Top Gun". (NES)
After James graduated, he attended the fuckin' shit college of University of The North Pole. James didn't like the cold weather as he claimed the weather was "an ass-fucking-bitch-slapping-cunt-tapping-polly-wack-give-a-dog-a-boner weather". Due to this piss poor weather, James often had a grumpy attitude. The classes he took were those such as Find Y up your ass algebra, Shit-played history, video gaming, and anger management classes. He didn't like any of these, however. During Find Y up your ass algebra he would often write down that and used coordinates such as (69,69) over and over excessively because he thought it was ass-tons of funny shizz. It was then when James decided to drop out of college claiming it was "a waste of my motha' fuckin' precious cunt-lickin' time".
edit First reviews
It was after the first couple weeks of nonstop masturbation when James realized he was worthless wasting his life and decided to play some gay games again. James still became enraged at the shittiness of the games and decided to record reviews on the shit games he played so the world could also join in on the enragement.
edit AVGN today
Today James can be found on viral videos taking you back to the past. while playing shitty games that suck ass. He says he'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear or eat a rotten asshole of a road-killed skunk and down that with his favorite beer (Rolling Rock). He also claims whenever you turn on your TV, you should always tune it in to channel 3. James always wears a nerdy shirt with a pocket pouch, though we never recall seeing James write anything down. James, along with his nerdy shirt, also wears a power glove, has a filthy mouth, and claims he will tear any shitty games down with his trusty Zapper. He continues to play the worst games of all time, which are horrible abominations of mankind. These games make him so mad, he could spit or say "Cowabunga? COWAFUCKINPIECEOFDOGSHIT!!" Seriously, these games rip you off and don't care one bit.
However, James never forgets it. He continues to ask engaging philosophical questions such as "Why can't a turtle swim?", "Why can't I land a plane?", "They got a quick buck for this shitload of fuck!?", "Why's the password so long?", and "Why don't the weapons do anything?"
edit Just some of the "shitloads of fuck" AVGN has reviewed.