User:Magic man/UnNews:Old people more likely to die, study shows
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Magic man/UnNews:Old people more likely to die, study shows
Straight talk, from straight faces
Thursday, May 28, 2015, 06:48:UTC)(
19 March 2011
CLEVELAND, OHIO -- It was the death of Bertha Madeline "Bobcat" Swanson on Tuesday that brought scientists at the The Mayo Clinic to the conclusion that old people are more likely to die.
The study began three years ago, after the death of five old people at The Shadyside old folks home within the same week suggested that the elderly might be the soonest to go. At that point, they dropped thier study on a miracle cure for cancer, and started watching the old. "We were all so occupied with this old folks study, that everything else seemed unimportant. When I was at home, all I could think about was getting back to the lab, and working. Now that it's all over, I don't know what I'll do. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad really the woman finally died (although I can't believe any of my colleagues had a party), but I just feel empty now. Maybe I'll go home, take a nap and then cry into a quart of ice cream... Er... I mean... Eat a nice dinner... Yeah, that's what I meant..." Said Lisa Garber, head of research, Thursday.
The study consisted of the old group and three control groups (toddlers, young adults and middle aged). None of the toddlers have died yet. But the last person in the middle aged group was killed four days after Bertha, in a midlife crisis. Additionally, the last person in the young adult was on the rise, after a head injury, but died this morning after an accidental Morphine overdose. One of our reporters was there to catch his last words: "This head injury was not an accident!" Said Jonathan White in an angry tone "It was one of those men! he hit me over the hea-" He was then cut off by his nurse who kicked our reporter out, claiming it was time for his sponge bath. Our reporter quietly slipped out, as a shady man in a lab coat and dark sun glasses slipped in. Jonathan died ten minutes later.
Some have also called for a medicine of some sort to be created, to keep the elderly from death. But The Mayo Clinic has said they are going to work on smaller isues for now. "We've already put tens of dollars into this study." Said Bill Golden, janitor for the clinic. "And I've needed some new windex for like a month now, so I think we'll just wait it out, and see if anybody else wont do it. We might start on the project at a later date, but not untill I get my windex." He refused to comment further, claiming that he had a three fourteen in the downstairs men's bathroom.
The nurses at The Shadyside old folks home have decided to take special precautions to keep thier residents safe from the grim reaper, like changing curfew from five o'clock to four fourty five, and adding three minutes to the daily "check your blood pressure" period of the day.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|