User:MacMania/Pilots of the Caribbean

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
Ducthmanship

The Flying Dutchman taking off the Caribbean in "Pilots of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Jest"

Pilots of the Caribbean was a franchise planned by Walt Disney Pictures as sequels to the highly successful (and pointless) Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.

It was canceled when Disney finally realized that 9-11 did happen, then was finally produced around 2042.

edit Origin

The origin was a simple misunderstanding:

“I was spinning in my grave pushing up daisies when all of a sudden these guys are talking about this amazing thing called "[incomprehensible] of the Caribbean" and I'm thinking, what could it be? Then I simply realized that it just had to be pilots. Only to realize that it would, in fact, work better with pirates.”
~ Walt Disney on Pilots of the Caribbean

Disney later mixed up the two when he was disturbed by a person from Porlock as well as the fact that his grave was now spinning in the opposite direction.

Quite coincidentally, it was, as everyone knows, the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise that'd appeared first. So Disney was very lucky and got away with it.

edit Further brainstorming

To develop this idea of Pilots of the Caribbean, Disney hired Oscar Wilde, who turned out to be the person from Porlock, as well as the great astrophysicist Douglas Adams.

Adams came up with an entire rulebook that the pilots of the Caribbean in the pilot film of Pilots of the Caribbean would follow. Oscar Wilde followed with suggestions for the name of the pilot film of the Pilots of the Caribbean.

Adams then wrote the script, then Wilde edited, no, totally changed it. After this, Adams wrote three more scripts, then called the four scripts a trilogy.

edit Pilots of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Box

As governor McMillan and his 12-year-old daughter, Tricia fly to AirPort Royal, Jamaica, their plane, Careless One happens upon a planewreck mysteriously floating midair and its sole survivor, the young Will Turner. Tricia discovers a black box around the unconscious Will's neck. Fearing he will be arrested as an unlicensed pilot, she takes and hides it. As she does this, she glimpses a plane with tattered black livery disappearing into the mist.

Eight years later, Group Captain James Norrington of the Royal Air Force is promoted to Air Commodore. At his ceremony, he proposes to Tricia, but before she can answer, she faints and tumbles off an illusory wall and into the water. The black box medallion she is wearing emits a mysterious pulse through the water. Meanwhile, unlicensed pilot and occasional hijacker Captain Jack Sparrow has arrived in AirPort Royal. While talking to two members of the Royal Air Force on an interceptor aircraft called Interceptor Twenty-Seven Thousand Two Hundred Forty-Two Point One Four A Dash B, he sees Tricia fall into the bay and rescues her. He is promptly arrested for unlicensed flying, but escapes and ducks into an airplane parts maker. There he encounters Will Turner, now a robot's apprentice and self-taught expert gunman. Following a laserfight with Turner, Sparrow is knocked unconscious by the robot, Marvin, and jailed.

That night, AirPort Royal is besieged by the Black Pearl — an unlicensed ghost plane. The mysterious pulse from Tricia's medallion called to them. The pilots ransack the town seeking the medallion. Tricia is captured and invokes parley — an agreement ensuring one's safety until meeting and negotiating with the opposing side. To protect her identity, Tricia tells Captain Hector Barbossa her last name is "Turner". She persuades the pilots to cease the attack on AirPort Royal in exchange for the medallion, but employing a loophole in their negotiation, Barbossa keeps Tricia prisoner.

Unable to persuade Air Commodore Norrington to take immediate action, Will persuades Jack Sparrow to help him rescue Tricia in exchange for freeing him from jail. After hijacking Interceptor Twenty-Seven Thousand Two Hundred Forty-Two Point One Four A Dash B then renaming it to simply 42, Jack and Will recruit a crew in Tomorrowland with help from Jack's friend, Arthur Dent. They fly for France, the mysterious island Jack knows the pilots will go to to break the curse. While en route, Will learns the Black Pearl was formerly commanded by Sparrow. When Jack shared the coordinates to a hidden black box that held secret locations of the President of the Galaxy, First Mate Barbossa instigated a mutiny and marooned Jack on a small airport. Jack escaped three days later. The pirates found and spent the black box but soon learned it was cursed — leaving them as immortal calculators whose true forms are only revealed in ultraviolet. The curse can only be lifted when every person who has heard the contents of the black box is teleported to Betelgeuse. "Bootstrap Bill" Turner sent his son, William, who had heard the contents of the black box, away, believing the crew should remain cursed for what they did to Jack. Barbossa then ordered Bootstrap tied to a cannon and thrown overboard only to realize later he was also needed to break the curse; a Turner kin must now take his place. Believing Tricia is Bootstrap's child, Barbossa poises her over the teleporting machinery, and shouts "ENERGIZE." — unsurprisingly, the curse remains in effect.

On the island, Will suspects Sparrow may betray him and knocks him out in the space station by hitting him over the head with a lightsaber. He rescues Tricia, and they escape to 42. Jack barters with Barbossa — in exchange for revealing Bootstrap's real child, he wants to captain the Black Box. Jack's negotiations come to naught, however, when the Box pursues 42, sinking her and taking the crew captive. Will reveals that he is Bootstrap Bill's true offspring and demands that Tricia and the crew be freed. Otherwise, he threatens to shoot himself and fall overboard, lost forever. Barbossa agrees but craftily applies another loophole and strands Tricia and Jack on a deserted airport (the same airport that Jack was marooned on ten years before). Will is taken back to France, which is now revealed to be located in the planet Damogran, for the ritual. To speed their rescue, Tricia burns a cache of abandoned lemon-soaked paper napkins to create a signal that is spotted by Norrington. She convinces Norrington to rescue Will by accepting his earlier marriage proposal. Arriving at the island, Norrington sets an ambush outside the space station while Jack goes inside and persuades Barbossa to form an alliance. He tells him to delay breaking the curse until after they have taken Careless One and killed the crew. Jack then renders himself immortal by hiding Will, who all of a sudden realizes that his family was not from Guildford, as he was told, but rather from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse. But whatever Jack's actual intent is, his plan goes awry when Barbossa orders his crew to infiltrate Careless One by teleport. Jack's true allegiance is revealed when he suddenly attacks and then shoots Barbossa. Jack tosses Will away who teleports to Betelgeuse, breaking the curse. No longer immortal, the fatally wounded Barbossa falls dead. Realizing they are no longer cursed, the now-mortal pilots surrender to the Air Force.

Back in AirPort Royal, Jack is about to be executed. Believing Jack does not deserve death, Will rescues him. Both are quickly captured, but Tricia lends her support and declares her love for Will. Norrington releases her from their engagement, and Will is pardoned; meanwhile, Jack escapes by falling into the ocean. His crew, who escaped with the Black Box, rescue him. Norrington is impressed enough to allow him one day's head start before giving pursuit. Following the end credits, in a final scene on France, Barbossa's pet person takes a piece of the treasure and is cursed once again, explaining its immortality in Dead Man's Jest.

edit Pilots of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Jest

As the age of piracy nears its end, a new threat appears in AirPort Royal, Jamaica — the Eastern Rim Trading Company (ERTC). Spearheading the company's monopolistic takeover in the Caribbean is Zaphod Beeblebrox, a powerful and ruthless ERTC agent. Beckett intends to eradicate all unlicensed pilots from the area. To this end, he arrests Tricia McMillan and Will Turner shortly before their wedding ceremony, threatening to execute them and the absent ex-Air Commodore James Norrington for abetting Captain Jack Sparrow's escape. What Beckett really wants, however, is Sparrow and his magical compass, and he coerces Will into searching for both by offering clemency.

While Tricia is in jail, Will searches for Jack. An informant in Tomorrowland leads him to the Black Box that is run aground on Viltvodle XI, a handkerchief-worshipper-inhabited planet where Jack and his crew are captive. Jack hid there after being visited by his former crew mate, "Bootstrap Bill" Turner, who is now an indentured sailor on the ghost spaceship, the Flying Dutchman. Bootstrap delivered the Black Spot to Jack, a mark that his debt to Captain Davy Jones is due. Thirteen years previously, Jones raised the Black Box (formerly known as the Heart of Silver) from the ocean floor and made Jack her captain. In exchange, Jack must now serve aboard the Dutchman for 100 years or face Jones' leviathan, the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.

Will, Jack and the crew escape, unexpectedly recruiting escapees Douglas and Adams as they are attempting to commandeer the Black Box, and head to space. Jack has been searching for a key that leads to untold riches, but his magical compass fails. He agrees to give Will the compass if he helps him find the key and what it unlocks. Seeking assistance from Slartibartfast Turner, a planet designer, Jack learns the compass will not work because he does not know what he truly wants — or he knows but is unable to claim it as his own. The key, Tia tells him, unlocks the Dead Man's Jest containing Davy Jones' laughing heart. When the pain of joy was too much to bear, Jones carved it from his chest and buried it. Whoever possesses the heart controls Davy Jones, thereby controlling the oceans. Back at sea, the Flying Dutchman encounters Sparrow, who deviously attempts to barter Will in exchange for himself. But Jones demands 100 souls within three days for Jack’s freedom and keeps Will as a "good faith payment."

In AirPort Royal, Governor McMillan frees Tricia. Confronting Beeblebrox at laserpoint, she forces him to validate a Letter of Marque — a royal document with which Beeblebrox intends to recruit Sparrow as a privateer and that Tricia wants for Will. Stowing away on a merchant vessel, Tricia lands in France where she finds Jack and Arthur Dent recruiting unsuspecting pilots in a pub. A fallen James Norrington also applies. Blaming Sparrow for his ruin, he tries to shoot the captain and ignites a brawl. Tricia knocks him out to save him from the angry mob. At the dock, Jack reveals the compass' secret to Tricia; it points to what the holder wants most in the world. When he convinces her that she can save Will by finding the chest, she gets a bearing. Once the ship is underway, tension arises between Jack and Tricia when each discovers the compass now points to the other. It is unclear if they desire one another or if each seeks the other as a means to obtain what they truly want.

On Betelgeuse Five, Jack, Norrington, and Tricia find the Dead Man's Jest. Will, who has escaped the Dutchman with help from his father, Bootstrap Bill, arrives with the key that he stole from Davy Jones. Will wants to stab the heart to free his father, but a three-way duel erupts between Jack, Norrington, and Will, each claiming it; the arrival of Jones' crew and Ragetti and Pintel trying to make off with the jest further complicate matters. It is Norrington who ultimately escapes with the heart and the Letter of Marque while Jones’ crewmen retrieve a now-empty chest.

The Flying Dutchman pursues the Black Box, but with the solar wind behind them, the Box outruns her. Jones ends the pursuit and instead summons the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. In a moment of cowardice, Jack abandons the ship in an escape pod, but unable to desert his crew, he returns in time to save them. He gives the order to abandon ship before the Beast makes its final assault. ‎Realizing the Beast is only hunting Jack, a deceptive Tricia kisses him while handcuffing him to the mast. Racked with guilt over her deceit, she tells the others Jack chose to remain behind, unaware Will witnessed the scene and now believes she loves Sparrow. Freeing himself from the shackles, Jack charges the Beast, but the colossal beast drags him and the Pearl to a watery grave. Watching from his ship, Davy Jones declares their debt settled, although he soon discovers the chest is empty.

Arriving in AirPort Royal, Norrington presents the heart and the Letters of Marque to Beeblebrox in a bid to regain his career. Beeblebrox now controls the galaxy. Meanwhile, the grieving crew seeks refuge with Slartibartfast. Consoling them, he asks if they would jet to the Word's End to return Jack and the Black Box. When they agree, she says they will need a man who can hitch the length and breadth of the galaxy, rough it, slum it, struggle against terrible odds, win through, and still knows where his towel is. To everyone's shock, the formerly dead Captain Barbossa descends the stairs, eating an apple, towel around his neck, and demanding to know what has become of his ship.

After the credits, the dog that the tribal people chased earlier in the film has been crowned chief and is presumably about to be cleaned by them.

edit Pilots of the Caribbean: At Word's End

The crew travel to Magrathea to steal a set of coordinates from psychologist Gag Halfrunt that will lead them to the Word's End. They journey through a frozen ocean before sailing over an enormous waterfall and into Davy Jones' Locker, just outside the Total Perspective Vortex. While imprisoned in the Vortex, Jack Sparrow is confronted with the many facets of his character before being rescued by Will, Elizabeth and the crew. Despite their mutual animosity and distrust, Sparrow and Barbossa form an alliance when they discover a more sinister threat has arisen; Zaphod Beeblebrox, who now possesses the heart of Davy Jones, has begun purging piracy with the commanded assistance of Jones and the Flying Dutchman. The world's pirates gather for a meeting known as the Brethren of the Galaxy, consisting of nine unlicensed pilots and some psychologists, including Gag Halfrunt, as the stage is set for a climactic battle between pirates, Davy Jones and his henchmen, the Royal Air Force, and the Eastern Rim Trading Company at an enormous whirlpool.

It is said that Captain Barbossa will lose track of his towel at 42 minutes into the film.

edit Controversy

Douglas Adams has been accused of plagiarism; Douglas Adams has recently sued him on this charge.

It seems evident from this passage from the Rulebook of Frequent Flyers and Pilots:

“The Rulebook of Frequent Flyers and Pilots has this to say on the subject of flying. There is an art, it says, or, rather, a knack to flying. The knack lies in learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss./Pick a nice day, it suggests, and try it. The first part is easy. All it requires is simply the ability to throw yourself forward with all your weight, and the willingness not to mind that it’s going to hurt. That is, it’s going to hurt if you fail to miss the ground./Most people fail to miss the ground and if they are really trying properly, the likelihood is that they will fail to miss it fairly hard. Clearly, it is this second part, the missing, which presents the difficulties./One problem is that you have to miss the ground accidentally. It’s no good deliberately intending to miss the ground because you won’t. You have to have your attention suddenly distracted by something else when you’re halfway there, so that you are no longer thinking about falling, or about the ground or about how much it’s going to hurt if you fail to miss it./It is notoriously difficult to pry your attention away from these three things during the split second you have at your disposal. Hence most people’s failure, and their eventual disillusionment with this exhilarating and spectacular sport./If, however, you are lucky enough to have your attention momen-tarily distracted at the crucial moment by, say, a gorgeous pair of legs (tentacles, pseudopodia, according to phyllum and/or personal inclination) or a bomb going off in your vicinity, or by suddenly spotting an extremely rare species of beetle crawling along a nearby twig, then in your astonishment you will miss the ground completely and remain bobbing just a few inches above it in what might seem to be a slightly foolish manner./This is a moment for superb and delicate concentration.”
~ The Rulebook of Frequent Flyers and Pilots on flying
Personal tools
projects