User:Lyrithya/Why?:I'm sane, mum
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Mum? Hello, mum. I'm sane, really, I am, and I'm glad you're here, because I need someone to tell them for me. They don't believe me when I try to tell them, you know? But I am. I could tell you things, though. Terrible things. Squishy things. Things about them, and us, and me, and you, and things about all the squirrels in the world, and things about mass and torque and even things that go on in the darkest places in the darkest minds.
But I don't mean to know these things. People just keep telling me because I'm here, so they think I want to know. But I don't. And I'm sane. Really, mum, I am. Tell them for me, will you?
It's a word. Of course it's a word, but it's an idea, too, and I do like ideas, but this one worries me. I thought I was, you know? Some of the things they tell me assure me that I am, and some of the things assure me that I couldn't be, but nevermind all that. I am. The short guy, he told us that 'sane' is the ability to tell right from wrong. But in that case, paranoid schizophrenics qualify as sane. They don't seem sane.
The one with the beard, on the other hand, he insisted nobody is sane. Everyone has their own form of insanity, but I'm not insane, I told him. I'm not. But he smiled, because I was here, and to him, that was proof enough. Sane people don't come here. Not normally, at least, but according to another guy, insanity is just abnormality in general, so it fits. A society declares those that differ insane. This entire place is different. They think I'm insane since I'm here. I think I'm only insane relative to them, relative to the insane. Sanity is the new insanity, but only here, because they are all insane here. Mum, I'm sane. Please tell them.
But the things they tell us, they're such cheap things. And I could repeat them for you, so many things. Insane things. Mad things, Mad words, but not repeated from the lips of the truly Mad, but from me, and I'm not mad. I just know things because people tell me. For instance, when shooting up cocaine, you need to do it at a different location every time, both if you want it to have proper effect and also for safety concerns. Actually the safety concerns are because of that it won't have the proper effect in the same place, because if you do it there, the body will anticipate it, you know? And build up a resistance. And prepare it. I didn't have a resistance for this. I should have built up a resistance first, except if I had, then I wouldn't be sane anymore. I'm still sane.
It's the lectures, see. They tell us things. All these things. Attending university for five years and this is the valuable information the tenured impart, because they are insane. I didn't have to spend a year of it stoned or whatnot, and neither did the professors; the insane just know these things. They share these things. Pass them down, from insane man to insane man. Apparently the police are more likely to arrest short professors who wear dark hoodies and jog to campus carrying a briefcase than not so short professors who don't do any of those things. They're all insane, but some look more insane. I'm not insane, though. They told me because they thought I was because I was here.
edit Other things
One morning, two old ladies were ambling along, admiring the day, enjoying the spring, when suddenly, over the course of a blink of five minutes and a tangle of walkers and limbs, they smashed into each other. It was tragic.