User:LostBulletz

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We know those crazy canucks are somehow connected to this.


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universal health care
and HOCKEY games!

(List of Canadian Uncyclopedians)

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edit The Tenth Body

It-clown

Just one of the amazing features of the resurgence package.

“I'm a stealth clown”
~ Robert Bowling on being a n00b.
“The One Man Army, Danger Close, noobtubes were probably his idea.”
~ User:LostBulletz on Robert Bowling.
“I'm a commando pro!”
~ You on not having a clue (or skill).



The rain fell steadily as Detective Robert Bowling exited his patrol car and swiftly moved towards the activity filling the street. A lone crack of thunder echoed the loneliness of the night, a night where seemingly even World of Warcraft elites can find a date. Detective Bowling moved to the crime scene where paramedics were returning to the ambulance. Their stretcher was empty. Robert exchanged a sympathetic look with the EMT's. He moved through the assembled mob of bystanders and media reporters. One news network in particular caught his eye. UnNews always appears first at the scene of a murder, he thought to himself; do they have inside information to every murder in the city, or do they hire people to kill other people in order to have an interesting story to report?

A forensic team was already combing through the crime scene looking for evidence. Robert ignored them. He knew they wouldn't find much. This killer was good. This killer substituted random luck for skill and often used skill equalizing setups in order to defeat his victim. Robert took out the photographs of victims linked to the serial killer. There were currently ten including the latest one. Robert also took out a paper listing the manners of death:

Commandopro

Surgeon General's Warning: Use of the drug commando may lead to: delayed onset of puberty, manic depression, excessive cussing, discharge from the reporductive organs, increased suseptibility to motor vehicle collisions, severe acute respiratory syndrome, acquired immunodeficiency syndrome, the resurrection of Micheal Jackson, the deresurrection of Jesus, the end of the world as we know it, and the sudden urge to camp in a corner with marathon, lightweight, commando, with a TacKnife ruining the hopes and dreams of twelves year olds becoming the best COD player of all time!

  • The first victim was just carrying a flag when suddenly the killer teleported and knifed him despite a solid object separating the two. Police have dubbed this the commando lunge.
  • The second victim was just walking in an airport minding his own business when suddenly a large green crate fell through the glass ceiling crushing the poor, hapless soul to death. It was originally dubbed an accident, but surveillence footage revealed the killer had set a red flare beforehand thus leading police to believe the incident was planned.
  • The third victim was playing tag with a friend using Tactical Insertion to ensure they wouldn't respawn somewhere else when the killer walked up and shot one in the stomach with a grenade launcher. The killer then appeared to stare at his arm while a progress bar appeared on his body and soon he magically had two new grenades that weren't there before.
  • The fourth victim was walking through a lovely Russian field NOT surrounded by radiation from Chernobyl when he entered an old underground pathway and was shot by the killer. Footage from a nearby scrapyard camera revealled the killer was waiting for the victim for the entire length of the match and had moved barely two feet. Perhaps the radiation was from the nuke he eventually called in. Inconsistant witness accounts also mention a tent and marshmellows.
  • The fifth victim had just finished respawning when the killer, who was shooting at someone else but missed him, hit the victim with a stray bullet.
  • The sixth victim just started a match when, according to witnesses, a loud FWOOMP echoed and a grenade fell from the sky.
  • The seventh victim startled the killer as he was carrying a sniper rifle. The killer instinctively shot the rifle hitting the victim in the arm and killing him instantly.
  • The eighth victim was bombed by a Harrier jet despite being behind solid cover and the guy beside him was just fine as he was standing in a one foot deep pothole.
  • The nineth victim wasn't discovered until the killcam discovered this poor sap respawned directly beneath the jet as it released its bomb.

Robert put the documents back in his jacket. He approached the coroner. "What do you have for me?"

edit The Body

Coroner: Detective Bowling. This man appears to have been shot to death. The weapon is large calibre. There are seven entry wounds. The trauma alone would have been enough to incapacitate him eventually bleeding out even if all vital organs were still intact; something I doubt. I made an interesting discovery, though.

Robert: What is it?

Coroner: Look here. The bullet holes are back here out in the open and the body is right here behind a solid brick wall. There are no holes in the brick wall and there are no footprints to indicate the victim stumbled. Based on the sheer power behind the gunfire he took, I am almost certain the victim died instantly and just fell to the ground.

Robert: Do you think the body has been moved?

Coroner: In my opinion, no. The blood has pooled here around the body and there are no bloodstains. I am no forensic expert, but based on the body conditions, I believe this is where he died.

Robert: How does a guy who was shot over there magically teleport over here?

Coroner: You're the detective, Detective.

edit The Killer

Codmw2cover

This masterpiece has ruined a generation.

Robert had been tracking this killer ever since the release of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Some people have called him bullshit. Others have called him fucking Infinity Ward. In his presence, people have been known to scream "LAG!" or rage quit. Still, with so many public appearances and sightings by many, many people, no one has been able to bring him to justice. Robert calls him the Stealth Clown.

edit His MO

The Stealth Clown appears to kill his victims using the many forms of broken gameplay mechanics featured in the Infinity Ward's newest release for the Call of Duty franchise: Modern Warfare 2. The Stealth Clown is particularily noted for waiting for his enemies inside a tent. Upon murdering his victim, some witnesses have reported that the Stealth Clown will crouch and stand over and over again on the corpse. There have also reason to believe he films his murders because various people keep making references to the killcam. These so-called "killcams" show up at Youtube and other sites where people with no life frequent.

edit Robert's Connection

Robert feels especially guilty about this case. He was not assigned to it. He volunteered for it. Nobody in the police force knows this, but the Stealth Clown is actually Robert's own creation. Before joining the Console City Police Service, Robert ran an underground gang known as Infinity Ward. They were the big distributer for their smaller puppet gangs, one of which was Activision. Under the watchful eye of Robert, Activision created the Stealth Clown using a normal game that was not broken, and tinkering with it. Growing impatient, Robert broke into the Activision hideout and stole the unfinished Stealth Clown. He then released it to the world.

Robert soon realized the true evil he unleashed on the world. He quit the gang and became an informant for the CCPS. He single-handedly brought down both Infinity Ward and Activision. He was responsible for both groups' demise. Now, with the trust of the captain, Robert has been given the responsibility to bring the Stealth Clown in.

edit Back at the crime scene

Robert began looking around. He stood up and looked out across the landscape. This area is wide open. There is an abandoned mill here. The body is just behind a solid, brick wall. The bullet holes the coroner noted were visible about five or six steps out into the field. The field now buzzed with the forensic team. The rain increased in intensity. A flash of lightning lit up the area and sent some of the forensic team to cover. Robert looked up at the wall. Out of the corner of his eye, something was out of place.

edit The message

Robert took out his flashlight and lit up the side of the mill. He found it. The wall had been dotted with bullet holes. Robert focused on them. They were not random. They spelt a message.

TEN VICTIMS I NEED ONE MORE FOR A CHOPPER GUNNER

Robert frowned at the message. What is a chopper gunner? What is the significane of having eleven victims? It must be a secret code. Robert wrote the message down on his notepad. He would look into it later. He retrieved a ladder to get a closer look. The holes were about fifteen feet from the ground. A forensic team member got a second ladder and joined Robert. His vest said ballistics.

edit The weapon

Ballistics Expert: I came as soon as I heard about a possible large cailbre weapon.

Robert: How big are we talking here?

Ballistics Expert: Just let me measure the bullet hole. The hole is just over 0.5 inches. It's a .50cal automatic weapon, no doubt.

Robert: How can you tell it's automatic?

Ballistics Expert: See how each of the letters trail off.

Robert: Well it's conclusive that this wasn't the work of the other seriel killer in this city.

Ballistics Expert: You mean the No-Scoper?

Robert: Right, but he uses only semi-automatic weapons. Besides, the message makes more sense coming from the Stealth Clown since he currently has ten victims.

Ballistics Expert: Well anyways, it is clear that the bullets entered the building from this side. Just let me stick my ballistics rod in there. Interesting, the rod is nearly perfectly horizontal. Also, the trajectory for the bullet holes in the ground point the other direction and upwards at a steep angle.

Robert: So the weapon was flying?

Ballistics Expert: It could have been mounted in a helicopter. I've recovered a large pile of shell casings and three bullets. .50cal weapons aren't that common so it really narrows our search. They aren't easily hidden or trasnported either. I have a friend at ATF who can help us on that front.

Robert: This could be useful. Only the military can legally operate an automatic .50cal weapon. This could mean the killer is ex-army or even ex-air force.

Ballistics Expert: Or it could mean he has access to an illegal one.

Robert: What doesn't make sense is the Stealth Clown operates alone. Is it even possible to fly an aircraft and use the gun at the same time?

Ballistics Expert: That is beyond my field of expertise. I will give a heads up at the FBI and the Pentagon to see what resources we can access. I have to get going. Just let me put my rod back in my pocket and dismount this thing.

edit At the station

Robert got back to his desk at six in the morning. He looked over notes from the other detectives and forensic investigators. The victim's autopsy was scheduled for later that morning. Robert looked over a photograph of the message again. He had to discover the meaning of the message. He typed the message into Google hoping to strike gold but none of the results came back with any meaning. Most results were media reports and reaction to the news. After an hour of searching, Robert tried a different angle. He made a stop at the cryptology department and asked a decoder if anything jumped out at them. She couldn't make anything of it on sight, but she promised to look deeper when she had time. Robert thanked her and left.

edit At the autopsy

Robert joined the coroner for the victim's autopsy. There were no surprises in the body. The coroner concluded that two bullets pierced the victim's heart causing extreme shock, trauma, and blood loss. He ruled the death a homicide due to exsanguination. The coroner noted one thing that may be relevant to the investigation. He determined the body had not been moved at all. Robert noted this in his notepad and left. His next stop was with an airport just fifteen miles from the crime scene.

edit Investigating the airspace

Robert brought a warrant to access flight records for the previous night and any aircraft beacons in the area of the murder. The staff worked to get paperwork ready for the detective. Meanwhile, Robert spoke with a janitor who was on duty around the time of the murder. He recalled a small jet aircraft being in the area. Robert thanked him and turned his attention back to the air traffic controllers. They handed him records from the previous night. There was a suspicious lull between takoffs at this airport at the time of murder. Robert inquired, but the staff maintained nothing wwas in the area. Robert left quickly.

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