User:Lordarcadian/HowTo:Stay Alive In a Frozen Wasteland

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First off, I would like to congratulate you. Your MacGyver-like reflexes have some how provided you with the tools to your own survival. Look around you it is a barren wasteland. Do not worry your efforts have brought you to the foremost experts in the world. You are in good hands.

edit Understanding Your Situation

As you are surely aware it is very cold. Prolonged exposure to the cold can cause frostbite or hypothermia and become life-threatening. Infants and elderly people are most susceptible. If you are none of the above you are safe from immediate danger. this would be a good time to google midget porn. If you are a infant( very smart infant ) or an elderly person please take a moment to read this. Heavy accumulations of ice can bring down trees, electrical wires, telephone poles and lines, and communication towers. Communications and power can be disrupted for days. This would be a good time to print this article, as internet will soon be lost.

edit Facts you should know

These are just a few from those guys in the government.


edit Winter Deaths

Everyone is potentially at risk during winter storms. The actual threat to you depends on your specific situation. Recent observations indicate the following:

  • Related to ice and snow:
  1. About 70% occur in automobiles.
  2. About 25% are people caught out in the storm.
  • Related to exposure to cold:
  1. 50% are people over 60 years old.
  2. Over 75% are males.
  3. About 20% occur in the home.

edit What you should get out of this

If By chance you are a male 65 years old trapped in your car that happens to be in your living room, that happens to not have a roof, just give up you are already being stalked by the icy hand of death. On the other hand this is an article about staying alive in a frozen wasteland, so you are at least 20% safer already.

edit Keys to happiness

  • "AVOID OVEREXERTION", such as shoveling heavy snow, pushing a car, or walking in deep snow. The strain from the cold and the hard labor may cause a heart attack. Sweating could lead to a chill and hypothermia. Simply put stay very still, and think cool thoughts. Anything that gives you the chills will do. Try thinking of walking in on your mother blowing a dead guy. The chalk board fingernail thing works to i guess.
  • "DO NOT EAT SNOW": It will lower your body temperature. Melt it first. Try putting some down your pants. then suck on your wet underwear for moisture.

edit Things to leave your self in the past if you live long enough to time travel in the future.

  • blankets/sleeping bags;
  • flashlight with extra batteries;
  • first-aid kit;
  • knife;
  • high-calorie, non-perishable food;
  • extra clothing to keep dry;
  • OK this depends on two basic problems. Will there actually be time travel in your lifetime. If you live to time travel you will not need that stuff so get over it.

edit Just the facts man

The first major concern would be that of warmth. It would be nice if you could just snap your fingers right now and produce a sustainable flame. Any time now would be nice. We are waiting. Do you want to freeze to death? Oh, you can't? Well i guess magicians aren't so stupid now are they. No worries we have a remedy for this. Starting a fire is a simple exercise. Some survivalists would have you use the fire 2.0 method. However Steven Hawking is a better bet here. According to his thesis on spontaneous atomic reaction through Bio-thermally Universal Laser Landscape of Spontaneous Hypomorphic Inversion and Thermodynamics. His B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. hypothesis proved that by simply gathering the right nuts and leaves together would burst into a roaring fire. You will need to gather pine cones, leaves of the pin oak tree, one acorn and sap from the money tree. As soon as you have all the ingredients, stand back it is very explosive.

Next food will be very important. If you were not fortunate enough to get stranded with some one you could eat, you will need to hunt. Because of the need to conserve energy you should find very big game.


The Rule of Sevens includes:

   * 7 Wilderness Survival Problems:
         o Cold and Heat
         o Thirst
         o Hunger
         o Fatigue
         o Boredom and Loneliness
         o Fear and anxiety
         o Pain and Injury
   * 7 Wilderness Survival Skills:
         o Fire Starting
         o Shelter Building
         o Water Procurement
         o Foraging for food
         o Signaling
         o First Aid
         o Self Defense

Successful deployment of the Rule of Sevens requires wilderness survival expertise and the proper survival gear, both of which can only be gained through knowledge and experience.

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