User:Loquacious T/Justine Bieber
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“Y'know, this is the closest I've ever come to hitting puberty”
“She makes me sound like Barry White”
“Her balls are higher than my waistline”
“I recommend Justin Bieber as a cure for homosexuality”
Justine Hermaphroditus Gaga-Bieber (pronounced /'geɪ 'fæg/) is an R&B singer of indeterminable age and gender. She became internationally famous when she posted a video of her singing her own song, Chocolate Rain, on YouTube. Shortly after this, she set up a record label with Usher, which gave her some success. In her later years, Bieber became addicted to several drugs, including heroin, cocaine, marijuana, alcohol, aspirin, paracetamol, and cough syrup. Bieber also got caught up in the East Coast-West Coast hip hop rivalry, which ultimately claimed her life, as she was stabbed to death in Birmingham, after a previous assassination attempt failed, despite Bieber receiving 42 gunshot wounds to the groin.
edit Early lifeJustin Hermaphroditus Gaga-Bieber was born to Lady Gaga and your mom (which technically makes him your sister) after a passionate one night stand. Bieber was initially to be sold to Brangelina, but since he wasn't Vietnamese, he was instead sold to a hillbilly 'couple' called Cletus and Spunk, and their son Jed (who was also their grandfather). Cletus taught Bieber to play the banjo, which he turned out to be incredibly skilled at.
Spunk on Justin Bieber
Bieber was forced onto the streets of Hollywood after his foster parents were arrested for incest, where his banjo playing earned him a decent living. Here he had a famous encounter with Eric Clapton, who said of him "He is perhaps one of the best people in the world at fingering. His skill with the G string is amazing." Clapton was stoned shitless at the time. His prodigous skill with the banjo earned him a scholarship to a Tibetan monastery in the local Chinatown. Here, he learned to improve his playing technique by using the ways of the Dark Side. His Sith career was ended when he lost a duel with a green midget, and was castrated by Yoda's 12 inch lightsaber. Bieber then fled to Canada, where he would develop his puberty.
Lady Gaga has a Darth Vader moment, with elements of transgenderism
Bieber was reunited with his
father mother sexually ambiguous parent Lady Gaga, and moved in with her him it. Here, he began to write songs about his experiences; however, "Hillbilly Incest" wasn't much of a success. After reading that "the key to writing a good song is getting totally pissed and writing down everything you say", Bieber wrote the hit single "Chocolate Rain", after an inspiring sex session and the subsequent rectal repercussions it posed for him. Usher, meanwhile, was looking for porn on YouTube (although he claims that he was merely searching for cats), but accidentally clicked on Bieber's link. After receiving the following message:
“No I was not! I also was not masturbating over those people who were not girls and were not naked, and were certainly not having a meal from that porcelain cup!”
Usher then commented, under the username HornyEunuch:
Usher on Justin Bieber
Bieber soon signed onto a record label with Usher, and his career began there and then - at least, it would have, if it wasn't for the untimely intervention of Justin Timberlake. Timberlake challenged Usher to a rap battle to decide who would sign little Bieber; Timberlake, as they say in rapspeak, got served. JT then had an operation to make himself black, turning himself into Timbaland; he still, however, continued his crimes against music.
It wasn't long before it all ended quite abruptly, though. Bieber became very close to Usher, and even began to question his feelings. This prompted our favourite gay prepubescent singer (yes, we like him even more than Chris Martin. Sorry Chris) to have a sex change operation. This went horribly wrong, and left Bieber incredibly deformed (despite already being deformed). Depressed, Bieber turned to hard drugs; after photos of her were taken, depicting her downing several bottles of Calpol, Bieber was dropped by her label. Her career was as good as over.
Like all failed singers, Justine Bieber arranged a comeback tour. Like most comeback tours, it was designed to bring Bieber back into the spotlight for a few months, before catapulting her back into the depths of obscurity for good. Bieber's comeback tour was originally meant to begin in July 2009 with a duet with Michael Jackson; after Jackson's death, the tour was postponed to October of the same year, and Boyzone were brought in to perform the duet with Bieber instead. Bieber eventually gave up on the tour after he asked the Beatles to perform with him, but only two of them turned up.
edit Comback Number 2
After the failure of Justine/Justin/ whaterver the hell it is, 1st comeback, it decided to release another album, titled "My Next CUMback" featuring Usher, The Jonas Brothers, and the soul of a recently dead Micheal Jackson. Once onstage at a concert during the tour of his/her/its new album, his balls dropped while he was singing his new hit single "One less lonley asshole". Fortunatly, his balls dropped out of his pants, off the stage, and into a girls mouth and down her throat, killing her. A law suit was filled thus ending his career. Afetr hitting puberty, justine decided to re-vamp his careerr, thus magically transforming into Lady Gaga evry night.( why the hell does this kids life sound like a really fucked up episode of Hannah Monatana?)
After this little tranny's career ended, videos of the soon to be next hit sensation/ little douche went viral. This videos featured a little girl by the name of Greyson Micheal Chance, singing Lagy Gagas Papparazzi. Once Justin saw thesse videos, he yelled "This world only has room for one super famous lesbian, ME!!!!" in a Denney's parking lot. On the night of september 1, 2001, he set out to The World Trade Centers in New York to kill this little dyke who was taking away the career Justin never had. He had Failed to do so, thus bombing the building. He had survived, unfortunatly. These events had the world mistaken for the terrorist group "Al Queda" druiving airplanes into The World Trade Centers. Justine Wwas setenced to 3 days in prison, which he was really happy about, most like do to all the butt raping.
“I am the Kurt Cobain of my generation”
“Not quite. You're not dead, for starters.”
“That can be changed...”
Justine Bieber was reportedly stabbed to death in the streets of Birmingham. Anyone who can come forward with information confirming this will be rewarded with a $50,000 sum; there is also a $5 million reward for anyone who confesses to having killed Bieber.
edit "Bieber has only got one ball"
- Bieber has only got one ball
- It's not big, it is so very small
- Usher ate it in Russia
- Now Bieber has none at all
Both Bieber and Usher denied the rumours, but this only made people believe that they were true. And for once, the rumours were true.
- Hillbilly Incest
- Chocolate Rain
- A Time (When I Had Balls)
- One Inch
- One More Lonely Girl (She Is Better Off)
- Love Me (Because Nobody Does)
- Favorite Gigolo (Not Me)
- Baby (Even Though I Can't Get One (Even Tho I Tried))
- Eenie Meenie Teenie Weenie (That's My Dick, Don't Be a Meanie)
- It's Not That Long
- Shawty Cock
- Nude Boy (Makes Me Get It Up)
- If I Was A Boy (collaboration with Beyoncé)
- I Was Triple-Penetrated by Girls (And I Liked It)
- Never Gonna Get It Up (cover of Rick Astley's Never Gonna Give You Up)