User:Lollipop/UnBooks:A Charlie Brown Manslaughter
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"A Charlie Brown Manslaughter" is a non-fiction book by Charles M. Schulz. It was written in 1999, right after Schulz wrote his own obituary as a historical comic strip he called Peanuts. Schulz finished it the day he disappeared and it was left to gather dust in his writing desk - with the world none the wiser. However, in 2006 his wife Jeanne found it and gasped in horror as she became absorbed in it's meaning. By 2010, after many failed attempts at destroying the evidence, she finally became resigned to the will of destiny and prepared to show Charles M. Schulz's final work, including the illustrations, to a world little prepared for such a shocking conclusion.
Charlie Brown had just finished breakfast. He had a bowl of Snicker Snacks. At the bottom of the box was a prize. "A marble", he exclaimed. He held the marble to his chest. It was one his last marbles. He lost all the other ones to other children he had played against. To them, Charlie Brown was a born loser.
Charlie Brown put on his baseball glove and cap, brought his bat, and walked to the pitching mound. They were playing a game against Peppermint Patty's team. His friend Lucy walked over. "Charlie Brown, you BETTER NOT SCREW THIS GAME UP!", she yelled at him. Charlie Brown sighed. In fact, everyone sighed. The sighing was most probably due to all the characters' habits of smoking, which possibly caused toon cancer - depending on the whims of the artist.
It was the beginning of the first inning. Charlie Brown threw a curve-ball. At least he thought it was. The opposing player hit it high. He scored a home run. Charlie Brown wiped the sweat off his face and sighed.
It was already the ninth inning. Charlie Brown's team was down 156 to 0. The opposing team then scored a grand slam. Charlie Brown's team lost 160 to 0.
As he walked home, Lucy ran up to him. "YOU BLOCKHEAD", she screamed with her big mouth, "why can't we WIN a game for a change? Why can't we actually TRY? Why?". This went on for at least a half an hour, the field was far from their homes. They were near a wood. "Charlie Brown, WHY DON'T YOU JUST DIE?", she finally asked out loud. Charlie Brown snapped. "Why the fuck don't you?", he said as he pushed Lucy down in front of a tree. "I'll knock your block off", she yelled at him. But it was too late. Charlie Brown swung his bat at Lucy's head. Blood gushed in a style smiliar to Happy Tree Friends. Lucy's head fell to the ground. She ran in circles in a comical way for a few minutes. Then,she fell to the ground, headless. Charlie Brown went home and washed his bat,removing the evidence.
Lucy's body was found a few days later. Linus fighted back tears. "I knew she was a fucking bitch and she deserves to go to hell", he sniffled, "but why did it have to be so soon?" Charlie Brown's heart pounded. He hoped no one would suspect him for the murder. The next day he resigned as manager of his baseball team.