User:Loke/Worlds Most Retarded Terrorist Tries to blow New York up with Fireworks and Manure
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||UnFair and UnBalanced|
4 May 2010
Osama bin Laden was running low on money with Al-Qaeda, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan his network of terrorists kept losing. All of the smart terrorists died and went to paradise with 70 virgins, but found out that they were not even female and were really 40+ year old men virgins who live in their mother's basement and are Star Trek and Star Wars fans and geeks. Once news of this spread the smart terrorists decided to give up terrorism and take on real jobs instead, ones where there is no risk to die or get blown up. Working at fast food joins like McDonalds, Wendy's, Hardees, and Burger King and maybe even 7-Eleven and other Clerk jobs.
Osama talked to his retarded cousin (in the False Islam of the Sword, nothing like the True Islam of Peace that talks against terrorism, anyway the False Islam is what terrorist follow) to repeat the failed 1993 attack on the WTC with a truck bomb, to instead target a bank in times square with an SUV loaded with explosives.
Assama bin Laden then said his sacred oath "Durka Durka Muhammad Jihad!" and Osama said "WTF was that? That does not make any sense, why don't you say something else?" and Assama said "Sorry Cousin, I heard it in an American film called 'Team America' and thought it was what we terrorist say." Osama said "STFU! That movie is nothing but lies! Now say this with me 'Allah Ackbar!'" "Admiral Ackbar!" said Assama. "No no no, Assama, let me say it slower, 'Aaaaaaaaalllllllllllllllaaaaaaahhhhh Aaaaaaaacccccckkkkkbbbbbbaaaarrrr!'" and Assama said "Heil Hitler!" "No no no that is what Nazis say, we are Fundamentalist Terrorist Muslims not brown shirts. Say it again, this time say it right." "Whhhhhaaaaaaattttttzzzzzzzuuuuuppppp!" yelled Assama.
"Alright look, you are related to me so I will cut you a break, I know in your side of the family 10+ generations married cousin to cousin so you are a bit retarded so I'll accept that. Now here is directions on what to do, and here is a Green Card I got you to work at the McDonald's near Times Square so you fly to America follow the list and then park the SUV next to a bank and hide somewhere until the heat is off, understood?" "Yaw mon, me savvy cousin! I will do what you write, agreed?" and Osama said "Agreed!"
So Assama worked flipping burgers and earning a paycheck. Only he couldn't afford the real explosives and bought fireworks and a bag of manure instead. "Oh my smart cousin won't mind if I save money and by this instead." we said out loud but as usual New Yorkers ignore people talking out loud as every schizophrenic tends to do that and people on the street get used to it. So he rented a SUV, took off the VIN tag as ordered. Figured if bags of manure worked for the Okalhoma City bomber it should work here. Then laid down the manure bag and added flash powder, roman candles, sparklers, and said "Well this stuff sure was cheap, but while I could not afford TNT, C4, and other stuff, I think flash powder is like gunpowder or TNT or C4 or something it should ignite the manure and then I run and hide so I not get blamed." he smiled.
He lit the fuse for the fireworks, got out of the SUV, decided to hide himself by changing his shirt near 20+ security cameras and 46+ people walking down the street watch him do it and then grabbed his back pack and went to watch a movie across the street as people watched him cross the street and so did the 20+ security cameras.
Well the SUV started to smoke and give off a bad smell and then the sparklers went off. But nobody was alarmed as this is normal for Hybrid SUVs in New York due to the poor quality of SUVs these days and New York weather. Then a Police Officer noticed it wasn't the ordinary smoke and smell, it smelled like fireworks and manure instead. So he checked the SUV, Assama left the door open and keys in the ignition, so the officer got some water and put out the fire. He checked the glove box and found a loaded gun and said "Dummie forgot to take his gun with him, let me see what else I can find." found Assama bin Laden's Saudi Arabia passport and Work Visa card for McDoanld's and McDonald's name tag that says "Assama bin Laden" on it. Then the officer talked to the bank owners to see their security footage and found out the guy walked across the street to a movie theater. Only it was showing Brokeback Mountain that day and Assama was enjoying it because he loves Cowboy stories. The Police officer enters the theater sees Assama as the only non-gay man in the seats and then taps Assama on the shoulder and said "Excuse me sir, is that your SUV parked across the street?" and Assama reached in his pockets and pulled out a box of Milk Duds and aimed it at the officer and yelled "Die Yankee Cowboy American Infidel!" and the officer laughed "Where is your gun Assama? Do you know those are Milk Duds?" and Assama said "Darn! I forgot to take the gun with me didn't I?" and the officer read him his rights and handcuffed him and took him to jail.
Osama watched the news on CNN, MSNBC, Fox News, etc and saw that his cousin screwed up big time and got arrested and didn't quite follow all his instructions. "Shazbot! Assmama fucked up big time! I am running on such low money that now I have to offshore the work to an even poorer nation than my own. No wait, let me rethink that, it seems hiring stupid people isn't as effective as hiring smart people? I'd better rethink this. Dammit! It ain't easy being the most evil person in the world anymore ever since George W. Bush left office."
Assama's lawyers from the ACLU are using the insanity and major retardation defense to get Assama found not guilty by reason of both insanity and retardation.