User:Leoispotter/UnScripts:Under 21: A Booze Odyssey

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This script art a part of

The UnScripts Project

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Under 21: A Booze Odyssey was a film directed by Peter Bogdanovich. A critical and commercial failure, the film was a misguided attempt to marry a lowbrow high school comedy with a high art science-fiction concept. With a budget of over $500 billion (a record only surpassed by Transformers 3: Give Cocaine Money To Michael Bay), the project left Bogdanovich in deep financial debt. Under 21: A Booze Odyssey is currently the only film to receive a negative score on Rotten Tomatoes.

edit The Script

edit Part 1: The Dawn of Booze

A tribe of savages wanders a desert wasteland. In this primordial, pre-booze age, everyone is sober and kind of depressed. The tribe's sex drive is at an all time low and no one has high-fived or fist-bumped in several months. In short, life sucks. As the tribesmen dourly go about their foraging, a pack of leopards approach them. The leopards, a bunch douchebags from the local university's Phi Eta Kappa chapter, decide to cause trouble and begin attacking members of the tribe. Without any booze in their veins to give them courage, the helpless tribesmen flee the scene. The leopards laugh and call the tribesmen "a bunch of pussies", and then ice each other in celebration.

The next morning, the tribesmen awake to find a monolith looming over their camp. The savages surround the monolith, staring up in awe. An unseen orchestra plays a triumphant score. The monolith, a giant glass bottle, has a label that reads: "JACK DANIELS: QUALITY TENNESSEE SOUR MASH WHISKEY." The curious humans drink the contents of the mysterious bottle. Suddenly emboldened, they decide to go fuck some shit up. With a slurred cry of defiance, they charge (or rather stumble) toward the Phi Eta House. Aided by the liquid courage, they proceed to slaughter every leopard inside the house. They return to their camp victorious, accompanied by a bunch of slammin' coeds. A drunken celebration ensues, the first rager in the mankind's history. Seriously, it was awesome. An inebriated reveler throws an empty can of Natty Ice in the air, which switches via match cut to a satellite floating across the heavens, millions of years in the future.

edit Part 2: Like Superbad, but with talking computers. Also, it's in space.

Sector 6, deep space. EBEN and SEDGE, two adolescent boys roam the desolate streets of an interplanetary city. It is a post-apocalyptic wasteland, where booze has been outlawed for anyone under the age of 21, and a sentient computer named HAL (Hate Alcohol Lots) rules the galaxy, enforcing teenage sobriety with an iron fist. Eben, a skinny awkward youth of 17 who may or may not be played by Michael Cera, kicks at the ground dejectedly.

EBEN: Did you hear about Emily's party next weekend? We're invited to go, but we'll need to bring our own alcohol. We need beer, man! This could be my only chance to impress her!

SEDGE, a plump and vaguely Jewish looking boy who may or may not be played by Jonah Hill, laughs derisively at this comment.

SEDGE: That's ridiculous dude, there's no way we can get beer by Saturday. Not with our computer overlord watching our every step. And if we get caught drinking underage, they'll send us to rehab. Do you know what they do to people there?

EBEN: What?

SEDGE: Oh. I have no idea. That's why I was asking you. I'm sure it's something terrible though.

EBEN: Well I'm getting some even if you don't help. Let's try Big Badass Bob's House of Booze (and Porn). I hear he's got a pretty good selection.

SEDGE: What??! [he vomits on Eben's shirt] That's crazy man. How are we gonna get booze without a fake ID?

EBEN: I hear McOven's got one. Here, I'll give him a call.

Eben pulls out his iPhone 12 (found at your local Apple store) and dials McOven

EBEN (on the phone): Hey McOven, howya been? Can you do us a favor? We're trying to buy... What do you mean, contractual obligations?... A lawsuit?... Tell Judd Apatow he can shove that lawsuit up his bunghole. Fuck you, man! (he hangs up the phone)

SEDGE: What was that about?

EBEN: Apparently McOven can't appear in this film due to copyright restrictions. We're gonna have to make our own fakes.

SEDGE: Will this work? (he pulls out an old WalMart receipt and a green crayola crayon.)

EBEN: Perfect!

Sedge draws a crude likeness of Eben's face on the back of the WalMart receipt. It barely resembles a human being. Underneath the picture, he writes: Eben O'Houlihanlaksj

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