User:LemmingLord/International Velociraptor Attack Week
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The most important goal of I.V.A.W. is to raise awareness of the risks of velociraptor attacks. During this week (October 1-29), the risk of being attacked by a velociraptor is at it's highest. While velociraptors prefer young children and 50-year-old virgins, they WILL NOT HESITATE to attack any and all members of the public.
Velociraptors: What are they?
Velociraptors are small, angry repilian predators- like Stephen Hawking. They stand about groin high, and use this to thier advantage. They dislike bug spray, but it would take an estimated 75 gallons to drive them off. Acid would be a better alternative. They are extremely intelligent (one chose to take on the guise of a human named Garry Kasparov to win the World Chess Tournament.) Another, less intelligent one, chose to run for the president of the United States Of America. They are completely Evil and enjoy watching reruns of Hillary Duff music videos.
Velociraptors will attack on the street or in the house; thier prefered method is to wear disguises such as trenchcoats, mustaches, and Darth Vader voice changers. Warn your children against any strangers offering them candy, sex, or ultimate power over the galaxy.
Several safety precautions that one can take include:
- Carrying an assault rifle at all times loaded with 100-round snail clips
- Driving around in an armored personell carrier
- Reinforcing your doors and windows with Silly Putty(r)
- Teaching your children the 'kill' spots on velociraptors
- Building an automated defence network, like they did in that one movie that Jamie and I went to see and we were so high, and man, it was friggin' awesome!
- Wearing clean underwear at all times
- Refraining from having wild, promiscuous, binge sex with odd-looking lizards
- Keeping a copy of the Holy Bible on your person at all times as a last-resort bludgeoning tool
- Three monkeys, an idiot, and a giant, 700 foot tall fish balloon
Sadly, International Velociraptor Attack Week has not had a successful history. The public refuses to donate to our cause, citing reasons such as "Fuck you", "Velociraptors- yeah right!" and automatic weapon fire.
We began I.V.A.W. as a method to raise the public's awareness as to the risk of velociraptor attacks. If you wish to help our cause, you can donate here.
Please don't be a fool - be Velociraptor Safe!