# User:Kurgan/Yo Momma Jokes

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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Your Mum.
Your mum
Political career
Order 53rd President
Vice President Starscream
Prime Minister N/A
Term of office 6:32 AM–A Gazillion
Preceded by Adam & Eve
Succeeded by You
Political party Decepticon
Personal details
Nationality American
Date of birth 0000
Place of birth Cybertron, Alabama
Date of death [[]]
Place of death
First Lady Your Dad

## editFun facts about your mom:

Big Mama Is not your mum.

### editShe's a big fat fuckin' bitchhh-aaah!

It's ya mum! Her thighs turn me on!
This man knows your dirty little secret...

if you leave my mum out of it i'll leave this out of your mum (points to penis)

• Your Mother is SO fat, her blood-type is Ragu!
• Your mom (mum) is so fat that there is a law that here corsets cannot be narrower than her schwarzchild radius.
• Yo mama is so fat she got arrested at the airport for having 200 pounds of crack!
• Your mom is so fat, the escape velocity at her surface exceeds $3*10^8$ m/s.
• Your mom is so big and fat that hikers mistaken her anus for a cave opening!
• Your mom had Rutgers University for lunch, Princeton University for dinner, and has the University of California as a teddy bear.
• Your mom is so fat, Naruto doesn't believe it!
• Your mom is so fat she swallowed my mom whole.
• yo momma so fat, she comes from both sides of the family
• Your mom is so fat that when she walks in front of the TV I miss all the ads
• Your mom is so fat the city had to dig a hole through her for traffic to pass through.
• Your mom is so fat, she puts mayonaise on aspirin.
• Your mom is so fat, when Chris Farley tried to have sex with her he got lost for six days. When he came back out, he had a pet crab named Alfred.
• Your mom is so fat her weight is the same as her phone number (with the area code).
• Your mums so fat the NASA actually orbits her.
• Yo momma is so fat, she started the Revolution revolution!
• Yo momma so fat, when she gets on the scales it says "to be continued..."
• The escape velocity at your mom's surface exceeds 3 * 10^8 m/s.
• Your mom did not understand the previous comment. It means her mass is roughly 500 times that of Sol, the sun.
• Your mom is so fat, that when god created the earth and said let there be light he asked your mom to move!
• Your mom is so fat, that your dad rolled over three times and he was still on top of her.
• Your mum is so fat that I decided to sleep with her, just to say I had.
• Your mom is so fat she can't pay the phone bill.
• What country is so fat that is makes your mom look slim? None. Well, maybe the United States Of America, but that's beside the point.
• Your mom is so fat, that when she completes a revolution, time stops!
• Your mom is so fat, she influences global weather patterns.
• Your mom is so fat that people practice by climbing Mt. Everest before they climb her.
• Wanna know what forever feels like? Try walking around your mom...
• Your momma is so fat that she went to the beach and animal rights activists tried to push her back in the water
• Your mom is so fat that when she turns around, the half of her thats moving towards you turns blue, and the other half turns red.
• Your mom is so fat, the astronaughts keep believing there is a dimple on the Earth
• Your mom is so fat that hundreds of horrible jokes have been made at her expense.
• Your mom is so fat that hundreds of horrible jokes have been made at her expanse.
• Your mom is so fat that she has nine zip codes and none of them border on each other.
• Your mom is like the Moon, big, round, and influences global weather patterns.
• Your mom is so fat, she puts her tits in the overhead compartment on an airplane.
• Your mom is outer space.
• Your Mom is really a homeless man living in Iraq. The Government does not want you to know this, so they handed you over to some fat bitch
• Your Mom thought you were an exceptionally large crap.
• Your Mom is so fat, when her beeper went off, they thought she was backing up.
• Your mom is so fat, when she is done wiping her ass, the Charmin baby is in its late teens.
• Your mom is so fat, she entered a fat contest and won first, second, and third.
• Your mom is so fat that Stevie Wonder sees her.
• Your Mom is so fat, that when she was in school, she sat by everyone in the class.
• Your mom is so fat, her ass has it’s own congressman. (And her congressman was bitch-slapped by Stephen Colbert for being a pussy liberal.)
• Your mom is so fat, when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw peanuts at her!
• Your mom is so fat, that her period is an exclamation mark!
• your mom is so fat, she cleans her clothes on the driveway.
• Your mom is so fat and emo she cut herself and bled butter.
• Your mom is so fat when she walks down the street she walks down the street!
• Your Mom bucked like Bambi in a forest fire while I was riding her last night. I had to grab her love handles with both hands to stay on. No wonder she demanded I tie her to the hood of the SUV before we started.
• your mom is so fat, that when she saw a yellow bus full of white kids go by, she said "stop that twinkie!"
• Your mom is Barry the Manny.
• Your mom's ass is so fat, that it has its own zip code.
• Your mom was the 53rd leader of the free world.
• Your mom was subsequently made the 52nd through 78th states, because she was so fat.
• Your mom is so goddamn fat that NASA sent a space probe to orbit her ass. They never heard from it again.
• Your mama's so fat that when she rides in monster trucks, she makes them scrape the ground.
• Yo momma so fat, she uses the freeway to iron her underwear.
• Your mother is so fat, she eats a lot of food er ah liability.
• Your mom's so fat that when she stood up the sun burnt out.
When asked about your mom, people replied....

### editHer photo's used to make CIA Terror suspects talk...

• Your mom is often confused with G.W.B and Abe Lincoln. I'm sorry, but all of them look like monkeys.
• Your mom is a creature from outer space.
• Your mom is so ugly, yo daddy brings her to work so he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
• Your mom is so ugly, when she went to McDonalds, they couldn't serve happy meals.
• Your mom is so ugly that hundreds of other horrible jokes have been made at her expense.
• Your Mom is so ugly, that Dracula wouldn't bite her with Wolfman's teeth.
• Your mom is so ugly she needs two bags to cover her face.
• Your mom is somewhat like Helen of Troy, in that her face launched 1000 nuclear weapons, all of which were pointed at her. Interestingly enough, your mom survived the barrage.
• Your mom is so ugly, I wouldn't eat her on Fear Factor
• Yo momma so ugly, she make blind muthafuckas cry
• Your mom went to prom with Merv the Perv.
• Your mom is so ugly, she makes my mom look good.
• Your mom looks like Condoleeza Rice!
• Your mom's moustache makes kitty scared...
• I once asked for Your mom's autograph - i thought it was the guy from Lordi
• Your mum's so ugly she uses a line of make up called "Why Bother!"
• Your mums so ugly that when she stands on the beach the tide wont come in.
• Your mom is so ugly that the Devil slapped her for smiling and then gouged his eyes out with his pitchfork.
• Your Mom is so ugly, when she looked at a cop, they arrested her for mooning them.
• Your Mom is so ugly, someone decided to stop pasting in the words "your mom".
• Your Mom is so ugly, when she walked out of the pet store, the alarm went off.
• Your mom is still a virgin. She will probably remain a virgin unless you hire her a cabana boy.

### editShe makes Bush look intelligent...

• Your moms so stupid she sold her car for gas money.
• I regret to inform you that your mother has Anencephaly.
• Your mom is so stupid she thought that MySpace was a sexual position.
• Your mom is so stupid she drove on the driveway and parked on the parkway.
• Your Mom is so dumb, she threw a rock at the ground and missed.
• Your mom is so stupid she thought that a parental control was an abortion
• Your mom's so stupid she thinks that Cross-Dressing is what you put on your salad.
• Your mom is so stupid she tells YOU your mama jokes.
• Your mom is so stupid she calls you a son-of-a-bitch.
• Your mom is so stupid she failed her GED, while TAKING HER DRIVERS TEST! ZING!
• Your mom sells her crack for crack.
• Your momma has eleven fingers and fifteen toes, and still can't count to twenty-six.
Mommy's watching you!
• Using 'Your mom' as a comeback became popular again in the year 2000 thanks to bored Indiana residents who decided that the old 80s joke should be born again for this new "Generation Y.45-802.11bag version 5.1(2800)"
• Your Mom is so dumb, that she counts her money like this: "One, another one, another one, another one, another one...."
• Your mom is so stupid she took me to the movie theater to see "Closed For The Season".
• Your mom is so dumb that she put 20 cents in a parking meter and said "Where the fuck's my gumball?"
• Your mom is so dumb she tried to drown a fish
• Your mom is so stupid she failed a blood test
• Your mom is so stupid she thought that masturbation was a karate master.
• Your mum is so stupid she sat staring at an orange juice carton for 30 minutes because it said concentrate.

### edit...she's old...

• Yo mama's so old she still owes Columbus a nickel.
• Your mom is so old that she sat behind Jesus in the third grade.
• Your mom is so old, her social security number is 1.
• And her birth certificate is number 1.
• Your mom is so old, she passed her driving test on a dinosaur.
• your mom is so old and fat that when she stood up one day she caused the ice age.
• your mom is so old she witnessed david killing goliath and she was a waitress at the last supper.
• Your mom was 35 when Jesus was born!
• Your mom is the age of God!
• Your mom is so old when I asked her how old she was, I thought it her phone number.

### edit...she's a 'ho...

• Your mom is like a Hardware store, 25 cents a screw.
• Your mom is like a vacuum, she sucks, she blows and she gets laid in the closet
• Your mom has apparently had sex with everyone you have ever argued with, including herself.
• Your Mom is like a Bowling Ball. She gets picked up, fingered, thrown into the gutter, yet she still comes back for more.
• Your Mom only lets your friends over for sleep-overs because she gets a little action with them while you sleep.
• Your Mom was good last night and I left her money under the pillow.
• Your Mom gives great hummers!
• Don't worry, Your Mom is still a virgin. You were a backdoor baby.
• Your mom is like Home Depot, only 5 cents a nail!
• Your Mom is Chief Test Engineer for the Jack Rabbit Massager Corporation.
• Your Mom is like a tornado, first there's a lot of sucking and blowing, and then she takes your house
• When someone shivers, she uses them as a vibrator.
• She stars in half the hentai videos ever made.
• She has done the characters in all your video games.
• Your mom has blown off all the dudes in Slipknot, and some of the girls for the hell of it.
• Your mom also enjoys using ben-wa gerbils.
• Your mom is a cam whore!
• Your mom bangs like a shit-house door in a Force 9 gale.
• Your Mom wears crotchless panties. And a Peep Hole bra.
• Your Mom uses duo-balls to relieve the tedium of shopping.
• Your mom is the lady on those truck mudflaps.
• She has hepatitus A-Ω. Now it is expanding to the Japanese language
• The term motherfucker refers, specifically, to Your Mom.
• In a year's time, another term, far worse than motherfucker, will gain currency. It will be so scatologically vile that most nations will establish crimes for its usage. It, too, will refer, specifically, to Your Mom.
• Your Mom knows the exact come-on line which lead to your conception.
• Your mom got so high once at a Jimmy Buffett concert that she threw her panties at a stuffed parrot, but that doesn't mean it's okay for you and your friends to waste your lives on the devil weed.
• Neil Armstrong wasn't the first man on your mum.
• Your mom did the UN yesterday.
• She's worse than Paris Hilton. And that's impossible.
• Your mom is like a brick, flat on both sides and gets laid by Mexicans.
• Your mom is so slutty she is your mom and your sister-in-law.
• She managed to bang the doctors during your birthing process and then banged you fresh from the womb. Hey, at least you now know you're not a virgin Hentai lover.
• Your mom is in the clearance aisle. Anyone can have her for a nickel.

### edit...and she's fucking random, dude.

• Your mom can't get a record deal because she doesn't want it enough.
• Your moms breath smells so bad she the reason people grow old and die
• Your mom shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die.
• Your mom is a team killer acording to NYC_bLuNtRoLlEr_444
• Your mom listens to Hard House / NRG.
• Your mom would be horribly upset that you are wasting your life visiting this site.
I see you're looking for your mom, well you're headed in the right direction. Oh snap!
• Your mom knows you spank the monkey, but loves you anyway.
• Your mom buys extra soft 3-ply Kleenex because she loves you anyway.
• Your mom knows all about the monsters in your closet.
• Your mom owes me money, you douche!
• Your mom fought JFK in one of the greatest movie epics of all time.
• Your mom is the mascot for the University of Arizona.
• Your mom is my mom. Am I confusing you?
• Your mom is so random, she invented the fucking word!
• Your mom's a Jew, which explains why your allowance is low.
• Your mom knows what you do right before going to sleep.
• Your mom's name is actually Harriet. She's a 90 year old part Irish part Samoan woman who is currently leading an underground resitance against the future British Government.
• Your mom makes kitty sad...
• Before she was born, she was inside both her mom and dad.
• Your Mom secretly likes the smell of her own flatus. Now you know where you get it from.
• Your Mom is actually Richard Simmons in disguise.
• Your Mom is so evil, she forced this person to continue putting in the words "your mom".
• Your mom is really Bill Gates.
 Feminine Articles Articles About Feminine Issues
• Your mom has a dick. And it's dick is bigger than your dick.
• Your mom is in love with Mr. Goatse.
• your mom is so poor that when i saw her kicking a can down the road, i asked what she was doing.She replied saying i'm moving!
• yo momma couldnt fit in a can bro
• Your mom is so disgusting, she is Crystal Pepsi!
• Your mom is so emo she saw a run-over squirrel, brought it home, named it George and bragged about it to her whole friends list.
• Your mom is so emo she spends \$20 on a worn out, vintage looking shirt that was fresh off the shelf at Hot Topic.
• Your mom is so emo the Grim Reaper had to put out a restraining order.
• Your mom has just read this. And she is not amused.
• Your mom has a peg leg with a kickstand.
• Your mom has an afro with a chinstrap.
• Your mom is symbolized by the element Urmomium

## editPhotos

A stalker, (s)he's after your mom. Eh, nobody cares.

## editAllegations about your mom

• Your mother has had sexual relations with all your base.
• Your mother tried to hang herself with a cordless phone.
• Your mom Is Darth Vader
• My other car is your mom. (OHHH! DISSED!)
• My other mom is your car. (!DESSID !HHHO)
• Your mom is a necrophiliac
• Your mom lost her viginity to a bucking bronco
• Your mom lost her virginity to you...
• Fortunately, not all allegations are true. And these jokes suck balls.
• Your mum had sex with your dad, same with your neighbours mum.
• Your mother is from the plannet Endor and is a Wookie

## editIn conclusion

Whistler's Mother is not to be confused with your mom, who is commonly considered to be much hotter and a lot less bitchy. Plus, she isn't all snooty. Damn, I hate your mother.
• So fat... She made you o.O
• So fat, when she is lying on the beach, people from the animal protection roll her into the sea.
• So fat, when she jumped into the ocean the whales started singing.. we are family... even though you're fatter than me...
• so fat that when she stepped on a talking scale it said we dont do livestock
• so fat, she doens't go to the McDonalds, but the McD comes to her.
• so fat, she has more chins than a Chinese phone book
• so fat, when she took a step she made a crater and wiped out the dinosaurs.
• so fat, that when she went to the beach, she was the only one who got a tan!.
• so fat, that when she sits around the house, she sits around the house!
• so mean, that when I killed her, she showed up in the paper under o-bitch-uaries.
• so ugly she makes baby warthogs cry.
• so ugly she makes baby warthog Jesus cry.
• so fat when she got lost they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.
• so fat she couldn't even get lost in the first place.
• so fat when she falls down everyone runs around yelling "EARTHQUAKE"
• such a whore she makes Paris Hilton look like an innocent little girl who can't take it up the ass.
• an ugly crack-ho.
• so fat that when she sits around the house, she sits around the house.
• so old, that when I told her to act her age the bitch dropped dead.
• so fat that she collapsed in on herself and turned into a black hole.
• so fat that the world actually does revolve around her.
• so fat, she needs her own area code.
• so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
• so ugly when she goes to the bank they turn off the surveillance cameras.
• so ugly that as a kid she wore bacon tied around her neck, just so dogs might play with her.
• so fat that the back of her neck looks like a package of hot dogs.
• so fat that when she sits around the house, ...she, um, rarely gets up for hours.
• so fat that she has a high risk of early heart failure.
• so fat that when she stands on the street corner, cops stop and tell her to break it up.
• so fat that she was sunbathing on the beach 10 members of Greenpeace pushed her back out to sea.
• so fat that when she went to the beach, the tide came in.
• so fat, the bath has stretch marks.
• so fat, her picture keeps falling off the wall.
• so fat, they designated an orbital period for her.
• so fat that you can see objects behind her.
• so fat that when light comes near her, it doesn't know whether to bend toward her or get the hell away.
• so nasty, she brings crabs to the beach.
• so ugly, she can stop a sundial
• so ugly, not even Chuck Norris would save her.
• almost as bad as you
• so heavy, she went out in high heels and came back in flip-flops
• so evil, she put a blind man in a circular room and told him that his lunch was in the corner
• so fat, other fat mommas orbit around her
• so large her dresses are made at Cardington
• so fat, she and the sun make up a binary star.
• so fat, after sex she smokes a turkey.
• so fat, that I swerved to miss her and ran out of gas.
• so fat, she has an open cover which contains no finite subcover. Thus your mother is not compact.
• so skanky, she masturbated with a cucumber and pickled it.
• an unfortunately simple mode to disparage you as an individual. Only the mentally feeble and truly despicable ever intend malice using this sort of ploy. But it is all true about your mother. I am sorry.
• I'm not saying Yerr_Mum's fat, but the last time she jumped in the Sea, she was on holiday in Banda Aceh and 300,000 people died...
• Barbara Bush. Now that's scary.
• so fat, she got more rolls than a pastry truck.
• Some Kind of Monster
• so fat, she sweats butter.
• so fat, she was floating in the sea and Spain claimed her as a new island.
• Greenland.
• so fat, she needs a boomerang to get her belt on.
• Gman
• Your Father.
• Ishmayel.
• so Fat, her butt has it's own Congressman.
• tickles Sal Fasano's mustache.
• so fat, she sat next to everyone at school
• so fat, that as she walks she threatens global warming
• so dumb, she locked herself in Tescos and starved to death
• a Man
• so fat, it looks as if the earth has formed a double
• So fat, when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up
• So fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin
• So ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped her mother
• So Fat she buys her dresses at the tent shop
• Ultra-Jesus
• so ugly, she makes blind kids cry.

Furthermore she:

• wears Army boots
• adopted you
• has hair flowing all the way down her back...none on her head.
• smells badly due to body odor.
• has a saggy arse
• has armpits so hairy that it looks like she has two Bob Marley clones in headlocks.
• is dead.
• has an arse with it's own gravitational pull.

## editIn other countries

### editScotland

'Yur maw' is a Scottish colloquialism that derives from the phrase 'Your Mother'. Originally a phrase in English used to indicated someone’s birth parent, this Scottish version is most commonly used as way to put down people who have wronged you (or fucked you off as the natives would put it).

Mckensies Maw , Jacks Maw(Moira)(the one in the picture above)

Examples of the phrases use are the following:

"Shut up ya baw bag or i'll beat you so hard your maw will feel it!"
"I'm ge'in so fat 'cause a'time i have your maw she geez me a sandwich."

It can also be used in place of the common phrase 'Fuck Off' to end an argument:

Speaker 1: "You are a toetal dick by the whay!"
Speaker 2: "You wheesht or i'll end you ya baw sack!!"
Speaker 1: "Whituver ya wee fanny!"
Speaker 2: *as dismissal* "Pshhh, your maw!"

NEW ONE

Speaker 1:Heer you ya bawbag,your jaw's gettin ripped!
Speaker 2:Heer you ,your gettin dun in wai a baceball bat!
Speaker 1:Shut it ya we gimp, or else 'your MAW's' goni get dun in wai a baceball bat!

People should however be wary of using it in the latter sense as it will often lead to what is affectionately known as a Glasgow Kiss or if in certain parts of Govan, a Glessing.

### editEngland

Every 5 seconds in England, one person of the sex "Male" under the human sanity age (thats about 23) says "Your Mum". Why?

• No-one knows exactly

The girls had enough and decided to do the exact opposite, by saying "Your Father". Unfortunatly, this made them look more like slag/sluts etc. Therefore....

Ya Mum

### editNowhere

(Also known as Norway)

Mora di er mann, og faren din er homo. Ha ha ha.

• wait for your little yellow Babelfish to zdecode this gibberish*

Your mom is a man and your dad is gay. Pancakes.

### editSouth Africa

'Jou ma' is a common phrase used to rebut an argument. It is often used in conjunction with 'se poes' or 'se gat' to form the often heard 'Jou ma se poes!' or 'Jou ma se gat!' which roughly translated means 'Your moms vagina' and 'Your moms asshole!' respectivly, although the former is the one more often used.

### editOther uses

Your mom is also used in as a lazy phrase to indicate someone having had sexual intercourse with an adversary’s mother. This is used often in cajoling and in defensive/offensive verbal banter between neds (who's natural habitats include Glasgow, Edinburgh and All of England; though English neds are weaklings and hardly worth counting) that often results in a battling not too dissimilar to that portrayed in the cartoon Pokemon. The battling invariably ends in one neds humiliation at which point he will run home to aforementioned 'sexually abused mother' to grass up who has just clattered him and stained his Fila trackies with grass, pish and bucky. If people are feeling particularly intelligent that day then the phrase can be used as a way of turning the conversation around on the other person. e.g.

### editSoviet Union

In the Soviet Union, Your Mother Orbits You

In the Soviet Union, Your Mother Climbs You

## editIn popular culture

### editYo Momma

Yo Momma is a television series created by George Dubya Bush himself to destroy any credibility our nation has left by lowering our already pathetically low standards of entertainment. Also it airs on MTV2 and maybe MTV Sometimes.

Overview - The show Itself is hosted by a perennial jackass named Wimer Valderama. This man from what experts have gathered is a bastard child. In the Show contestants compete by, "Slinging their Slander" at each other, these jokes don't have to be about the other contestants' mothers but you get extra points if you can tell a 'Yo Momma' joke without looking like an asshole. For Example:

Yo Momma so fat, she's... really fuckin' fat, dawg.

Round One - The show is divided into rounds, round one being the free for all round, where anyone, from hardcore blacksters to asians dudes with nerdy specs can compete, the winner gets to go on to a one-on-one match with the winner from the other side of town, as I'm sure you can imagine all rounds go like this.

• "Your mother is, so black, I turned out the lights and couldn't see her."
• "Yo Momma so asian, she walks out side and peeps asked where she got a full body raincoat"

One-on-One Rounds - Next the one-on-one matches begin, the winner getting some "Cash Moooney" and dying a little on the inside, because this was and is their greatest accopmlishment.

Sometime within the match

## editSee also

 Preceded by:Beer, Sex and Black Women Best Thing in Existence4,000 BC - 3,000 BC Succeeded by:Opium and Cheese Sandwiches