User:Kurgan/Michael Waltrip

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Corvettecrash Boy, You are a Terrible Driver Noy! Is your name by chance uhhh <insert name here>?
Heh! Heh! Heh! I'm on Fire! Help Me I'm on Fire!


For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Kurgan/Michael Waltrip.
“I am superbad when it comes to racing.”
~ Michael Waltrip on Are You Superbad?


Michael Confucius Buddha Bruce Lee Chang Wang Chong Waltrip (born in Hiroshima on the day they dropped the atom bombs) is a sponsor whore who sucks at NASCAR and cannot and will not simply shut the fuck up, even if NAPA or Burger King paid him. Mikey is the first Asian guy to win a race, but he cheated. Despite the fact that he tries to qualify for every race, he hardly never does. That makes him suck.

He currently lives in Beijing with his boyfriend Dale Jarrett, his mom, and his inflatible Buffy the Vampire Slayer doll.

edit Pitiful racing career

Wlatrip raced in competitive drifting for many years before he started missing races inASSCAR.

In 1941, driving the Japanese Jet Plane, Waltrip kicked Navy ass in the Pearl Harbor 500.

The following season, he finished last in every race. This was before Kurt Busch was racing, so Michael Waltrip had the job of Royal Back-packer. After that suckish season, he only qualified for one race but won it because he had the only car in the race. It was the only race that year were he didn't put rocket fuel in his carberator, but everybody else did, so they were disqualified. After that, finished last in every race despite new sponsorships from the Ku Klux Klan and The National Socialist Workers Party.

After the damn northern Republican bastards in the Supreme Court said niggers can go to school in 1954, KKK stopped sponsoring his car, but he got a new sponsor, NAMBLA, after winning another race, again due to the fact he was the only driver.

After being bought and forced into slavery by Dale Earnhardt, he won the Daytona 500. It was the first time in 463 years he did so. If it takes anybody more than 462 of anything to win a race, that means they suck.

He was obviously freed/fired when Dale Earnhardt was brutally murdered by Sterling Marlin, and had to make his own race car. He never qualified for another race that whole year.

edit Race Change (from white to asian)

edit Controversy

Michael Waltrip likes to drink cow piss because it is one of his sponsors. He drank too much of it before a race. During the race, he wrecked Chuck Norris. Norris wasn't hurt at all, despite the fact his car hit the wall harder than Dale Earnhardt did, then blew up. Waltrip suffered a roundhouse kick to the balls, and his car became a mushroom cloud.

edit See also


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