User:Kurgan/Barney the Dinosaur
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Barney's my fuck buddy .”
“I do not feel safe.”
“Barney once raped me as a child... I liked it. He is one sexy beast”
“I hate you. You hate me. Barney gave me HIV.”
“He's a bunch of purple shit to me”
Diabolus Rex Barnicus Barney the dinosaur is actually Michael Jackson cunningly disguised as a loveable purple dinosaur. His TV show consists of a number of small children being enticed into his world of rape and kitten huffing. Once he has bribed them into his treehouse with a song about child-molesting, he then eats the girls with his ass and rapes the boys. Barney once ate a child and blamed it on Little Bear, who he then ate then raped.
edit Barney is the Anti-Christ
Noted historians and conspiracy theorists believe that Barney the Dinosaur is in fact the Anti-Christ spoken of in the Bible (Revelation 13:18 - "This calls for wisdom: let him who has understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man, its number is six hundred and sixty six")
This can be proved using the following simple logic: When the verse in Revelation was written, Latin was the dominant language. The Roman alphabet contained also the Roman numerals for the time. The letter equivalents are: I = 1 V = 5 X = 10 L = 50 C = 100 D = 500 M = 1000
"Barney the Dinosaur" = "Cute Purple Dinosaur". Latin did not have a "u", instead the letter "v" is used. This now becomes: "CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR" .... dropping non-numbered letters, we are left with: "CV V L DI V" This is the equivalent of 100 + 5 + 5 + 50 + 500 + 1 + 5 = 666 Irrefutable proof that Barney the Dinosaur is the Anti-Christ!!
There is much controversy on the origin of this strange being, and although everybody knows he is gay, they do not agree on how this purple gay monster came into existence. Here are some here theories:
Hollywood: He is the gay son of Godzilla who was hidden away until they finished recording the film with the Pope, because of the fear of Barney giving the Pope AIDS.
Scientific: The legend states that at one time were two immortal beings named Ricky Bobby and Lance Bass, Ricky Bobby expelled Bass from the paradise where they had their armies destroy each other millions of times over, and Ricky Bobby tried to kill Bass with a pipe bomb. After doing this, Bass exploded in a big cloud of fire, but a little piece of his jizz escaped, and landed on Britney Spears. It was gay enough to make a big, purple paedophile we know as Barney.
Religious: "He is of but the healthy thing that there is so that the small ones see..." This phrase of its sanctity Bishop Oscar Wilde III, a sample that according to Chuck Norris and Apostolic Barney is an angel of the gentleman originally named Allah to teach to the children about Barney, a dinosaur who can eat the white people and steal all of their money. There are thousands of kids barney has molested, and in fact Barney has nine lives, there are not many idiots who dedicate themselves to investigate the origin of this gay beast but the only thing that they know is that gay is that Barney's negative impact will be felt for centuries...
One thing we know is that openly gay congressman Barney Frank was named after him, since the two have so many things in common.
They both like to cum on little boy balls, but if you tell anyone they will hunt you down, you are next!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Barney has green and purple with a green belly and poisonous spots on his ass, even more poisonous than the Komodo Dragon. Contact with its skin causes a disease called "Barnio Stupidismo", in which Barney takes advantage of the disease to molest the children who have it. This dinosaur has yellow toenails, which have more than 200 species of fungi and athlete's foot. Being near Barney is hazardous to the health and causes irreversible psychological damage. Barney's purple skin paralyzes children, leaving them dribbling and drooling with an open mouth, in a wheelchair, unable to walk or talk. Just touching Barney's purple skin will give a kid AIDS, herpes, Down Syndrome, gonnorhea, and Huntington's Disease.
Barney's diabolical eyes release a gamma wave that causes brain damage that makes people to move their heads left to right and vice versa, and to dance like a stupid idiot, and Barney's breath plays a song of hypnotic voodoo.
edit Myths and Legends
One myth says that Barney is the devil disguised as a gay dinosaur. The best way to recognize Barney is to listen to his satanic voice, with which it makes sounds similar to the an ancient voodoo chant which hypnotizes children so they go follow him to his house, where Barney and his brother, Michael Jackson rape them. The belief that that Barney is an actor disguised in a purple dinosaur suit is absolute bullshit, since he can breathe toxic fire when he gets angry, and if his target is not burned, or if it is burned by the work of God, Allah, Buddha, Atheist Jesus, or any other deity, Barney will go on a rampage of that specific deity's followers.
edit History on Barney and why he is the Devil
edit Why is Barney considered Evil?
It's popular these days to vilify the monotoothed purple dinosaur. But why is this? Why does he arouse such passionate rage?
It's instructive to compare and contrast the Barney phenomenon with other cultural icons, and attempt to divine what factors make him so universally loathed.
A common point of reference is the Teletubbies, a British show designed to give preverbal infants something pleasant to look at. Now, a lot of people dislike both shows for the simple reason that they're popular. This is not a bad thing in and of itself. The Teletubbies are also cited for being inane. What of it? This is a show aimed at an intellectual demographic even lower than the six o'clock news! Barney, on the other hand, delivers a complex interlocking set of unhealthy influences to millions of homes daily.
Barney was originally created by Sheryl Leach. Sheryl was unable to find any "non-violent, interactive, entertaining" videos for her 2-year-old son. This is a major failing, with such fare as Romper Room, Captain Kangaroo, Sesame Street, and Electric Company available free over the air at prime children’s' programming time slots. Sheryl is now the 6th highest earning entertainer in the US.
Barney is not interactive, except with the Ritalin drugged moppets appearing on the show. Audience interaction is minimal, and the uninspiring Gestapo exhortations to sing inane songs are not a healthy influence on children’s' minds.
Each episode ends with "Barney says", a little lecture each day, amplifying the effect of "Don't think for yourself, do what you're told".
Leach herself admits that Barney is modeled on a Tyrannosaurus rex, the most fearsome predator the earth has ever known. This has the twin effects of belittling the dangers of genuinely dangerous animals as well as lending a dark undertone of continuous menace to what is purportedly nice safe children’s' fare.
The show is rife with lessons and morals, but poorly chosen, and ineptly presented. A more effective way of building massive cynicism at an early age would be hard to imagine. This is one of the few properties of the show that I appreciate. Children thus indoctrinated are doomed to do poorly in public schools.
The subject matter is also monumentally inappropriate. One famous episode was titled: "A Stranger is a Friend you haven't met". Is this the sort of thinking that leads to children surviving childhood?
This leads to...
Addiction The show's message of universal, blind, unthinking love on demand "I love you, you love me", delivered to uncritical minds in their formative years, cannot help but have an effect in later life. Such people, upon reaching high school (or even younger), will be subjected to enormous peer pressure to take up smoking, drinking, and drugs. Conditioned early on to uncritically take instructions from self-appointed authority figures, they will be easy marks. Sing my song, take this pill, be happy.
It gets worse...
But what heavily-promoted teenage activity is most easily confused with love? You guessed it, sex. Barney teaches children to love and trust everybody (even strangers), and to do what they're told. Someone, somewhere is gonna ask your children to have sex with them. "If you really loved me, you would" is a line as old as the hills. When word gets out that "I love you, you love me, let's start our own family" results in easy sex, it will be all over. Nothing spreads faster than word of an easy, reliable way for teenage boys to get laid. Barney may be the single most direct cause of teen pregnancy in the beginning of the next century.
Does Barney offer advice on preventing disease and conception? Naturally not. If he did, maybe the show would receive some long overdue scrutiny. Too little and too late, but better than not at all.
edit The Dark Lord?
I'm not claiming that Barney is Satan (though some have), however there are some disturbing parallels between Barney and Darth Vader. Darth Vader is a composite character, with a voice provided by James Earl Jones, and the costume animated by David Prowse. The Barney outfit is animated by David Joyner and the cloying, miasmic voice of Barney comes from voice-over actor Bob West.
edit When Will It End?
The original dinosaurs, though dead now, were one of the most successful lifeforms ever, dominating the landscape for some 160 million years. Humans, at less than one percent of this figure, don't even come close. Let's hope that today's dangerously flawed parody dies out sooner. THE TRUTH IS this is the second version of this page, revised to include Barney's lawyers. But blaming the attorneys is like blaming the parasite for the host. Sometimes parasites can simulate independent action, and the more short-sighted ones can damage or even kill their host, but the prime mover in this case is no doubt Barney itself. WHAT IS THE BARNEY CREATURE? It is not a purple dinosaur. In this article, the most brilliant thing ever published in the Journal of Improbable Research (sadly, in their first issue, but life is often like that) the biologists Edward Theriot and Earle Sapamer demonstrate that it is a primate, to which they assign the name Pretendosaurus barneyi. In spite of the zoological (i.e., bad) Latin, the name is apt, because Barney's public persona is a lie.
BARNEY IS WHOLESOME claim the Creature's defenders. Theriot and Sapamer note that it is always associated with human children (in fact, although they do not point this out, the word "barney" means "island of children" in Norse). They speculate that it survives by integrating itself into this protected ecological niche. Unfortunately, there is a more sinister explanation. Barney's teeth are clearly those of a carnivore (its mother, Sheryl Leach, fashioned it after a Tyrannosaurus rex). There is no reason to doubt the Creature's professed love for children, but the form that its love takes may not be in the children's best interests. Note well that very, very small and tender children know enough to be scared by Barney.
BARNEY IS SERIOUSLY NOT GOOD FOR KIDS, argue this article and other articles listed here. No surprise; Barney was created for the convenience of adults, as something to mesmerize children so that they could be parked in front of the TV. "You don't understand," the negligent adults whine. "Kids love Barney." Sure they do; they love to play in the toilet bowl, too. But for some reason, parents find brown poop disgusting, even though they'll snarf up purple poop. Well, not all parents. One wrote (on the Barney Fun Page) , "Hi. I am 33 years old with 3 daughters. Two years ago, we had Barney over for a birthday party. When he left, he almost got hit by a car. We all cracked up. Then a bicyclist came and almost ran him over too. We all peed our pants. Then an airplane came and landed on him, creating an endless shower of sparks and blood, and we all died of laughter. After that, we all gathered around Barney's dead carcass and sang 'Cumbaya m' lord. And by the way, Barney is a pedophile and can't get his hands off little boys to stick them all in his little pouch in his belly to save for later.
BARNEY IS TO CHILDREN AS OSAMA BIN LADEN IS TO ISLAM. The children are an excuse, the innocent means to a perverse end. Barney's true prey is adults or at least their money. The claim of wholesomeness would be more convincing if the Barney Creature were not so relentlessly pushing an astonishing array of merchandise, and if its creators were not so obviously energetic in their pursuit of money. The Creature's profits have already been the subject of the stupidly named “Barneygate" (summary: PBS subsidizes Barney, partly with taxpayer money, while Barney's parents stuff their pockets), but Sheryl Leach's tender maternal instincts did not preclude her selling her offspring to a British law firm. "I love you, you sell me."
MORE! MORE! The Barney Creature is a voracious, bottomless pit. All who oppose it with ridicule must be destroyed. The Barney Creature's weapon of choice is the Legal Absurdity which seems to have been honed to a dull edge by a Darwinian process - that is, with no controlling intelligence - and the Creature wields it with the finesse of Wile E. Coyote®. First the Barney Creature took aim at a chicken, and shot itself twice. The San Diego Chicken, in costume, would beat up Barney, also in costume, for entertainment. Barney sued, and the fight was metaphorically re-enacted in the courtroom, as a federal judge summarily dismissed the suit. Eager for another beating, Barney appealed, and wound up having to pay the chicken's legal costs.
THE BARNEY CREATURE THEN CHANGED TACTICS, figuring that if it couldn't beat a single opponent, it might have better luck again a multitude, so it sent out inane but scary legal notices against websites, threatening suit for trademark and copyright infringement. A legal analysis of these absurdities is here. These succeeded in scaring enough people that the original version of this page now reads like a cemetery of dead links. But people who stood up to the Creature were able to face it down easily. Then, emboldened by this Pyrrhic victory, it has started a sending out a new round of inane but scary letters, this time threatening to complain to the websites' Internet Service Providers. A non-legal analysis can be found here . The Creature's follow-up letter with a non-legal analysis can be found here; a legal analysis can be found here. The Creature's tactic, for perhaps the first time, actually makes sense - the Creature has been beaten up so badly in court that it has finally learned to try its case in a non-legal venue, such as an ISP.
Will the Creature succeed this time? It's difficult to care.
edit See Also
|Methods of Torture|
|Catholic Mass | Gay Bars | Liberal Media | Oprah| Transcription | Elevators|
|Tech Support | The French | Tofu | Wikipedia | The Von Stauberg Institute | Nyan cat|