User:Un-Kowaru/HowTo:Shoop Da Woop
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Shoop Da Wooping is an age old artform, and it is important that one knows how to do it in todays fast paced, high energy world. Shoop da Woop can be used in many different situations in many different ways. Shoop Da woop can cook a pizza. Shoop Da Woop can kill 50 cent better then a tenth bullet . Shoop da Woop can also impress a boss during a job interview. There are four main steps to Shoop Da Woop; Chargin your lazer, ZABOOB IT, firin your lazer, and SHOOP DA WOOP!
Knowing where to Shoop Da Wooop
This is probably the first thing that a person needs to learn before they can shoop da woop. You need to know when it is appropriate to shoop da woop. For instance, it is apprpriate to shoop da woop at an absinth part, in front of Oscar Wilde. However, it is EXTREMELY innapropriate to shoop da woop while in the presence of methane gas fumes, as you may asplode yourself.
There are three steps to know when/where to Shoop Da Woop.
Is it legal where you live: This is the first thing you should ask when shooping any whoop, since Shooping da woop is illegal in 27 states, all of which are too long and boring to by typed in this article. In any of these states, you could be severely punished for shooping or wooping of an kind. These punishments include a severe spanking, a stick up the ass, and huffing on sight.
Are There monkeys Around: This is a VERY important question to ask yourself before Shooping da woop. Don't even ask what happens if there's monkeys round. It's just bad ok..REALLY MUTHA FUCKIN bad.
Are there small children/old people near by: If so, don't shoop your woop. Old people present will instantly turn into dust, and young children will be transfered into hentai land, where they will be mercilessly raped by the pudding monster.
Chargin your Lazer
The first step to any succesful shoop da woop is to charge your lazer. To do this, first yell " IMMA CHARGIN MY LAZER!" as it is customary, and gives all of your loved ones a chance to retreat to a distance of 300 meters.
After you have yelled the lazer chargin warning, spread your legs wide apart, make sure there are no rapists of people with the last name Peppers around. Then, squat yourself down. This should be done as though you were taking a large, smelly poo in a hole in the ground in the middle of the woods.
Next, you should look in the direction that you intend to shoop da woop in. This is important, cause if you don't follow this step, you'll be doing it wrong, and it could result in the death of all of your loved ones, all furries, all cat girls, all adorable transexual loli girls, and above all, all life on earth.
Now, in order to actually charge the laser, you've gotta concentrate, really hard, as hard as I was concentrating when I wrote this article. Once you feel a strong amount of energy welling up inside you ( this will feel like someone is massaging your uvulla with a cheese grater) your are ready to ZABOOB IT!.
Zaboobing it is the next step after you have your laser charged. Zaboobing it is much different from the other steps , becasue, unlike charging your lazer, it is not a physical, but mainly a spiritual excercise. When you Zaboob it, you must have total belief in yourself.
You must believe you have the longest dick ever. Longer than the biggest male porn star's. You must believe that David Bowie is really a man, and not just a butch lesbian. And finally, above all, you must believe that all tacos are evil.
Tacos are the enemy of any Shoop Da Woop. They clog up your mouth, your pants, and block the road to nirvana.If the zaboobing is done right, you should be able to look down your nose and see a large ball of energy in your mouth. This is going ot burn like hell. It's a fuckin lazer after all.
It is important that you keep yourself aimed at your shoop da wooping target, or you will turn into a taco, and you will instantly be kidnapped by the cabal. The cabal doesn't exist.After you hold your aim, you are finished with the zaboobing step, unlesss you just want to sit there with a ball of pure ass rapeing pwnage sitting in your mouth. Now you've gotta get ready step, Firin Your Lazer.
FIRING YOUR LAZZZER
Now that you have proven yourself worthy of shooping da woop, not only by zaboobing it properly, but also by reading this far and surviving all of the terrible, terrible, awful, awful jokes I have made. Atleast I haven't resorted to talking dogs to give you a warm feeling inside in the place of good jokes.
Now, when firing your lazer, remember to make sure there are talking dogs present. These are completely and utterly necessary to shooping da woop. They provide all the power for the laser firing and make people feel warm and fuzzy in the face of the finiancial crisis. Make sure the dog is not a monkey in disguise, or you are fucked.
After you have confirmed that your talking dog is not a monkey that is simply in the guise of a dog, you are ready to fire your lazer. To do this, simply make a highly constipated face. I mean REALLY constipated. So constipated it looks like John McCain trying to pass a kidney stone the size of snoop doggs wang at 2 AM on the night of the election.
Next, open your mouth wide like that adorable teen pornstar you were watching last night. At this point, the lazer should be fired. If you managed to keep your aim, avoid monkeys, and look HIGHLY constipated during this event, you have just shooped the woop properly. The lazer has been fired at your target, they are about to be SHOOP DA WOOPED!
SHOOPING DA WOOOOP!
When your target is hit by the big ass shoop da woop lazer, several things might happen. If all went TOTALLY well, then nothing will happen, and the target, along with everyone around them, will be impressed by the massive rainbow that is sparying out of your mouth. Another possibliity is that the target may experience a severe feeling of uneeze and fright followed by an orgasm.
They may also be thrown from here to the end of the universe, and I mean across the universe, like that really good musical. If you saw it, you totally weren't gay. They may also be immediately transformed into a wankster, baggy pants and everything. This will no doubt impress all of your friends at the loli orgy glomp fest/dinner/absinth party that you are shooping da woop at, which is, without a doubt, the most appropriate place to ever shoop da woop....EVER!.
The final thing that might happen when you shoop da woop is a disasterous cataclysmic event. Well, in all honesty, it's a pretty damn good thing. All of the chavs, wanksters, preps,and other annoying pop culture groups known to man will be wiped off th face of the earth. The last time this happened is when god pulled off a massively awesome shoop da woop and wiped those poesuer dinosaurs off the face of the earth.
By now, it's probably the early morning. Your sweaty, strained, bored, and angry. Your probably intensly angry that you can't shoop da woop yet, even after a whole night of straight practice. DON'T WORRY. Shooping da woop takes years to master. Even Chuck Norris had to practice a whole three times before he could shoop da woop properly.
Now, if you are some how 100,000,000,000^40000 times more skilled than Chuck Norris, somthing that is highly impossible, your probably floating somewhere in space right now, and are unable to read this, because you accidentally wiped all of existence into a black taco whole with you mad shoop da wooping skillz.