User:Knitwitted

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User:Knitwitted (1835- ) lives somewhere in the Continental United States, although her last known location remains ambiguous and has been subject for much speculation by various intelligence services, including the CIA, the FBI, MI-5, MI-6, IntelPro, and the Mossad, all of whom when interviewed for this article claimed to know her actual current location but were unable to provide any accurate information on where she was yesterday or last year.

It has sometimes been suggested that User:Knitwitted maintains other User Pages, perhaps as many as a dozen, on Uncyclopedia's sister site, Wikipedia a/k/a Wikimpedia; among her other alleged activities, she is sometimes accused of operating an extensive ring of Uncyclopedia puppets, including her second-in-command, User: Samuel Clemens.

From an early age, Nitwitted was attracted to Tu-Tus and her chief ambition in life was to become a ballerina in the Bolshoi. Her primary role model growing as a young woman in the 1850s was Calamity Jane, but other, perhaps less overwhelming influences in later life included Amelia Earhart and Mata Hari.

Knitwitted maintains an active archive of books on needlepoint, knitting, and other feminine occupations that take up most of her spare time when she is not trolling the internet looking for a man on sites like Zoosk. Subject to many wild mood swings, her latest obsession is the unlikely theory that Edward de Vere, 17th Earl of Oxford, not only wrote the early works of Shakespeare but actually survived his alleged death in 1604 long enough to author The Tempest and then went on to write Wikipedia.

In 2011 User:Knitwitted infuriated Columbia University Professor James Shapiro, in a review on Amazon of his anti-Oxfordian book, Contending for William (Simon and Schuster), when she asked for a footnote.

Alas, Knitwitted's outside the box theory has been placed back in the box, although over the protest of her willing sex slave and Sock-Puppet-in-chief, the aforesaid Clemens, by a triumvirate of four high Uncyclopedia admins who apparently have not laughed for several years and definitely have "forgot the fart." Among them are User: Lollipop, User: Socky, and User: Sock Puppet of an Unregistered User. According to them, Nitwitted has sorely offended Queen Elizabeth I and should be hanged at Tyburn, although why this particular literary topic should have offended the long-dead Queen none of them can say. All three have joined Knitwitted on the FBI Watch List, and are now wanted for questioning as well as charged with aiding and abetting the decline of comedy in the 21sth century.

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