UnNews:Jimbo Wales doesn't believe in Santa Claus
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|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
17 December 2007
Huntsville, Alabama -- This past weekend the world was shocked to discover that Jimbo Wales, Wikipedia founder and president of Wikia, does not believe in Santa Claus. Although the news is fairly recent, there has already been a slight decline of fundraiser donations, meaning Wikimedia employees will have to cut back on the vacation budget.
The controversy began when 8-year-old Virginia O'Hanlon asked her father if Santa was real. Always raving about how wonderful and accurate Wikipedia is, he suggested she use it to answer her question. Rather than typing 'Santa Claus' in the search bar, she clicked the link to Wales' userpage in her father's favorites folder, and left him this message:
| dear mr. whales
my name is virginia and i am 8 years old. some of my little freinds say there is no santa clause. papa told me if it states somthing on wikipeedea, its definitely true. tell me the truth, is there a santa clause?
Eager to hear what he would say, she would often returned to the talk page, only to see that he hadn't responded. In a rare occurrence, Wales actually checked his messages and finally gave her an answer:
| Virginia, your parents are filthy liars. They have been affected by the hogwash the media presents as truth. You've been taught to believe in things you cannot see, destining you for the life of a homeless person, afraid of the tormenting monkeys that which only exist in your mind.
No Virginia, there is no Santa Claus. The idea of a man flying around the world is as ludicrous as the notion that Larry Sanger co-founded Wikipedia. (Alas! How dreary it would be if the fucker did!) You see, we live in a world composed of nothing more than black and white facts. If such a claim as yours is made, there needs to be a verifiable source as a point of reference.
Believe in Santa Claus? Ha! You might as well edit Uncyclopedia. The most imaginary things in the world are those that neither children nor men can prove to exist. Santa, UFOs, earthworms, and Global Warming are all make-believe. As soon as you realize this, the soul-crushing disappointment will mold you into a normal functioning adult. --Jimbo Wales 14:04, 14 December 2007 (UTC)
Poor Virginia burst into tears immediately upon reading Wales' words. The ones she understood, anyway. Her father calmed her down by directing her to Conservapedia, which has a lengthy article that presents evidence for Santa's existence. Since the incident, many parents have started doing the same, viewing Wikipedia's anti-Christmas bias inappropriate for their children's young minds.
Meanwhile, Kris Kringle was tracked down working at a Wal-Mart in Papillion, Nebraska, and agreed to comment on the situation. "Ol' Jimmy used to be a nice child. Instead of getting into to trouble he would just sit in the corner reading encyclopedias." He continued, "But during a year in junior high he cheated on his homework a lot, so I couldn't give him any presents. The next time I saw him he accused me of putting him on the naughty list without adequate citation. I told him I found out by my own original research, and he hasn't spoken to me since."